NoFap alone, with girlfriend/wife, with being able to have sex in general

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by ReclaimedLife, Jan 13, 2019.

  1. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Welcome NoFap fam,

    I didn't know which section this is supposed to be in so i'll put it in here for now but the mods are wellcome to move it to a more fitting section if they want to.

    So my question is, since we have so many different people here who are all in different situations in their lives, i would like to get a comparison on how it feels to do nofap in relation to whether you

    - have a wife/girlfriend,
    - are able to get sex whenever you want or
    - you are alone and dont have the opportunity to be with a girl/guy at all, for whatever reason.


    Let me know what kind of challenges you have depending on the situation you are in, so we can all learn and maybe adapt if we transition from one stage to the other.
    There might even be people here where of which him or her situation changed, i am especially interested in them and how it affected their nofap journey.
    Relationships can be formed and cared for, and they can break apart as well, but i am almost 100% sure that nofap will be useful and contribute to being a healthy in any given circumstances.

    All the best to my brothers and sisters out there.
    Stay Strong.
     
    RealMe likes this.
  2. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

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    I'm single and have never been married. For me, it's not so much the sex that I desire-- it's the romantic stuff that I feel deprived of (like kissing, holding hands, cuddling, watching a movie on the couch, etc). However, I believe that the Lord will bring the right woman into my life at the right time. If I was married, I wouldn't want to have sex all that much. As I said before, it's the romantic things that I desire.
     
    Itsmeagain likes this.
  3. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    My story may fill some of the blanks for you.

    I'm 45 yo. I was addicted to PMO (VHS tapes and magazines) before I met my first wife at 18yo (its too early to get married IMHO, but hey I was full of myself at 18). I had a 5 years relationship with her. I had no issues with PIED or any other ED issues. PMO wasn't that bad back then, as you only had a few movies on hand at any given time. My imagination was still doing good for fantasizing. I was getting enough sex in the beginning, but even she was looking for something more. Actually, she was expecting more novelty in sex. For her, because before me she went with a lot of guys before me, the steady monogamous relationship was becoming vanilla. I was starved of sex by her for a few years. She left because SHE was NOT able to live a monogamous arrangement in the long run. Then, I spent two (2) years, from 23yo to-25yo, alone in my dad's basement to regroup. I was depressed and also broken from that separation. I did binge PMO during that time. It was still BEFORE having access to high speed internet, so it was about running to the videostore (blockbuster and the like) to rent VHS tapes or exchange some with friends. VHS tapes and P actresses don't say no!

    That was a time of PMO binges along with some drinking along the way. I was pretty sad and depressed. I stopped drinking and tried to go out and meet people. I finally met my wife of 20 years one day (we are still together today). My "equipment" was still working pretty good, no PIED. As technology evolved, we ended up getting internet in our apartment. I slowly but surely ended up spending A LOT of time on the internet. At the time, I was actually taking a few seconds to DL a single image...so, a lot of my time in front of the screen.

    The first time my wife caught me, she was 7 months pregnant. She was NOT impressed one bit, and she thought that I didn't find her pretty anymore (cause of the big belly) and even if she was wrong, well...HEY SHE CAUGHT ME WATCHING OTHER GIRLS....so I had to fix that mistake.....that did hurt her. She was wrong, I was actually looking for real sex, but she was tired and feeling clumsy, so she wasn't in the mood.

    Later, as the internet was faster and faster, the wife was busy taking care of the kid. While she was giving the kid a bath or something, I was having an opportunity to jump on the computer. Images became short low-rez videos, then it became even better. Mom was tired, working a lot to take care of us, so she wasn't often in the mood. So I was compensating on "frequency" by PMO. I got caught by her multiple times and I don't think it helped my case at all.

    So, my lovely wife, even if she was sweet and doing a lot of things, wasn't satisfying me in bed in terms of sex events/month so to speak. On top of that, because I was caught in the novelty rabbit hole (coolidge effect), I was asking her to do more as I was trying to experience some of the stuff I was interested into in the P. Of course, I wasn't satisfied and she finally thought again that she wasn't pretty enough, or that she wasn't able to retain me because of my higher libido.

    I finally stopped PMO'ing the first time at 42 yo. I found this site, did a 180 days reboot, my wife was proud of me. My PIED was completely gone. After that, from July 2016 to December 18, I slowly but surely gradually accessed P. At the begining, it was only watching. Rarely. Then, It became everytime I had time alone, or if my wife was busy. Then the P became P+edging, no O. Then PMO. The summum was this Xmas season, where I binged like ever before....this is why I'm back.

    My wife has a lower libido than me, and she is pretty happy with the very same position every time we make love. My soul and my hearth are fully in love with my wife still today.
    But my brain watched too many eager/willing/happy girls in P. Those girls that would never say no, that are doing all kinds of nice stuff (or so I thought), etc.

    Even if I know the love of my life is her, I have the tendency to compare the porn (fake world) with what I have. So, I often tried to have the wife convinced to push her boundaries, and to accept the introduction of new gadgets in the bedroom, even if she never requested anything else. Some gadgets ended up in the garbage, other collecting dust. So items of clothing never worn.

    I have to consider myself lucky if I have sex once every week once....well before, because if the kid being young and her being tired, I was often getting sex only once or twice a month. So, after my first reboot, my sex life became better in terms of frequency.
    I was self-medicating with Porn. So, again, I'm on a reboot and I just cross my fingers in order to be able to "score" once a week. That is if I can conclude fully, because PIED re-appeared after than latest binge....Its hard to be fully excited when the "event" in bed is almost scripted in details...there is no novelty, no surprises, no real "wow", its routine.

    So I had to try to get back to basics and appreciate what I have....
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2019
    RealMe and Deleted Account like this.
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    thank you so much for sharing, it really is fascinating and shows me how much work relationships are.
    I really hope you can work it out with your wife and go back to having more private time.
    Did you try having some sexy time as a "date"? Where you actually plan it like a doctors appointment and make sure you dont let anything have a higher priority than your date? Kids make it noticeably more difficult to enjoy yourself as 2.
     
  5. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    ReclaimedLife,

    Yes, the "act" is set just like an appointment. Always the same day, same time and it leaves nothing to be left to imagine. Last night, PIED ruined it on top of everything else. It's too vanilla and the wife will try to find anything to explain this, but never able to look at her for being partly responsible. She knows on the other hand that there is no variety, as she only does what she feels like doing and its the exact same thing every night.

    When I reboot, I get resentment, because I can get an E with P/PMO, but its hard to do my things, then complete. I always take care of my wife's needs first. Then, whether I complete or not, she got something and I get nothing in the end...
     
  6. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    Awesome story @Itsmeagain There is a saying that there is no full happiness, I guess this applies to monogamous relationships. Both sides have to sacrifice for a purpouse greater than themselves, which is usually the kids. It's hard not lose yourself in the process, the desires you have, but can't do because of the relationship. I wouldn't know, never been in a relationship. Basically, I have a high libido but don't have a woman to fuck and porn makes wanna fuck even harder, which makes me even more sad that I'm not fucking. So yeah, that's that I'm in a heavy binge and the highest I've done is 3 days at the start of the new year until I resorted to the drug.
     
  7. Itsmeagain

    Itsmeagain Fapstronaut

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    @fapequalsdeath,

    Yea, I don't want to seem overly egoistical. The problem is often compounded by other factors. That is why there is much to learn around here. Other's situation may not apply to you, but can also be beneficial, even just for info. I mean I care a lot about providing the best to my wife (now that the kid has left the nest). I don't want to be a selfish bastard.

    I mean our brain is wired in a way to favor some behaviors. So, the very nice "brain circuit" that makes us want to reproduce is also detrimental to our lives in a sense. After sex I want more sex (read CHASER effect). The wife doesn't want to do this 2 days in a row. But CHASER makes you want more...

    I'm trying to stop PMO'ing, because it irritates my wife. It makes her question herself. Ok, good cause. Also, its causing me grief with PIED getting in my business. Stopping will get me my bodily functions back. Fine.
    Porn is there, and its like the brain is shopping for the next dopamine "fix", the "lizard brain" (read Amygdala) in us never gets enough of P. Novelty is what our brain is looking for. Its not what we are necessarily after. knowing that we don't want our SO to cheat on us, and we shouldn't cheat either.

    https://www.researchgate.net/public...rences_in_the_Responses_of_the_Human_Amygdala

    It says in there that visual stimulation is more important to males than females. This is how we are wired. So, if the visual stimuli doesn't change in any way, its not as interesting as something shiny....

    Porn is the catalogue you don't want to browse, because you will want something that you can't have and feel sour about it and you won't be fulfilled with what you have. Sad but true.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2019
  8. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Damn i wish i could get the whole forum involved in this discussion :S
     

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