Nofap BOOTCAMP ; NO PMO/ HELL Mode [Open]

Just hit 30 days for the first time in 2 years
Am so happy,but the battle continues! The battle rages on!

 

Day 5.Moving forward.But I edged yesterday!Should I start from the beginning??

 

Day 24
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Day 24 :>

 

Checking in day 65

 

Checking in: Day 22

So, I've been clean for 21 days, which means three weeks, done.

Had some fragmented sleep last night. Woke up with some stomachache around 4AM and dreamt heavily and freaky.
Today I feel a somewhat eerie perception and a bit more down than previous days.

Also I am scared to get the more heavy symptoms (as if this isn't hell enough...), and this is why:

The last three streaks I had some pretty heavy symptoms. On the first one they started around week 6, the second around week 8 or something and the last one they started around week 3.

On the first one, it was around day 41. This is one year ago. I was still with my ex in that time and I felt some anxiety and fear in the days before. My GF jerked me off on like Thursday evening and during my orgasm I felt a jolt of deep fear, which was really strange. Over the next three days my fear and physical sensations got worse up until that point on the 29th of april. The next two weeks were pure horror hell. Because I was feeling excruciating fear for no apparent reason and my body was so weak I couldn't walk 500m without almost fainting and they couldn't find anything somatic, I ended up in the psychiatric department of the hospital. It truly felt almost like death or meds were the only option out of the mental and physical sensations. I of course chose meds, because I didn't want to die. Never in my life I want to go through something like that again, it's pure terror.

The other ones were around August/September last year. There was less fear, but still it felt so damn hellish. At those moments it also really feels like it will never end. I learned to cope with it, and that the feelings pass. This time it was more the physiological, or should I say energetic, symptoms. I felt it in my body, especially my solar plexus and legs. The sensations I have no words for, it was immediate torture. I was not able to function at all (right now I am still not able to function but it's different and not immediate torture anymore). But I rode out these episodes and many times at the end of such an episode there came what I call the oxytocin-moment. A moment of release and relief. A few tears and the need to hug a family member or a good friend and then the physiological torture would drastically be reduced. I could not force these things to happen. I just had to go with the flow.
But in that time I was still on meds, although I was already tapering off very slowly. I am now completely off the meds since the end of december and I don't want to get back on them ever again.

My previous streak, I relapsed after 3,5 weeks. Before that, I had some very hellish days that were getting somewhat close to the experiences from one year ago. I relapsed because of arousal, not because of fear.

At the moment I am on day 22 and not on meds.

You can imagine my fear about the next weeks/months...

I will keep you all updated

 

day 0. Once again ambushed by morning wood.

 

Check in day 3

 

Edging is the worst possible thing you can do during a reboot. It’s ultimately up to you what you do with your counter...but the important thing is to try to not do that anymore if you want to make any progress.

 

Thanks dude! Yeah I have a plan to do certain forms or therapy. First I have to conquer this addiction to the extend that my nervous system and transmitters have had some time to recover somewhat. I have no energy, focus or neurological capacity to function right now, let alone to release trauma's.

When I am ready, I want to do EMDR and PMA.

I also have contacted a neuro-psychiatrist last month, who will help me put the pieces of the puzzle together and give advice in my healing journey

 

Day 80

 

Day 16

 

My brothers and sisters I am ashamed to tell you that I've fallen today. But I will do everything so tomorrow will be different. Let's do this!

 

Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, with new tactics, you got this!

 

Today, I finished Day 8 with success.

 

Day 12 : Check!

I see a lot of fallen comrades lately and that's what keep me on my sense. PMO addiction is very real. For those who wasn't (God forbid) fallen yet, we need to set examples for everyone in this forum. We must motivates them in their own inner battle.

And for those who has fallen, don't give up! Don't lose hope! Remember why you started all this, remember the feeling AFTER you did PMO. That depressing and self-loathing feeling. And then, imagine the version of yourself on Captain level, Major level, or even Demi-God level. And FIGHT FOR IT.

You got this.

 

Day 25
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