NoFap browsing as pain shopping?

WantsToBelieve · Dec 7, 2017

I just want to know I'm not crazy, guys. Have any of you ever had days where you have to stop reading threads on here, just for a little while? Because it's getting you in such a paranoid, alerted state that you start questioning whether or not your partner is truly in recovery?
Do you look at the reboot threads, see how hard it is for a lot of these guys? Especially the ones in relationships. Does it give you flashbacks to your own trauma?

For those who know what 'pain shopping' is... Does this count? And should I put a boundary for myself up about it?

There have been so many ladies, who I care deeply about and think of frequently, who have had really bad days lately. Ladies whose journeys have been longer than mine, longer and harder. Yet their PA keeps messing up. Sometimes I lose hope.

It's nothing my partner has done to make me question this. It's just hard to keep believing that they can change... when they don't.

TryingToHeal · Dec 7, 2017

Yes, sometimes it is really triggering for me and makes things worse instead of better. I just read a thread that triggered me and now I am in a horrible mood and it's changed how I feel towards my husband, and he is at work right now. He didn't do anything new, yet, I still feel worse towards him right now.

When stuff like that happens sometimes I feel like I should just stay off NoFap. But then, the SOs here are the only people that know what I am going through and what it feels like. They are the only ones I can talk to. Nobody IRL knows.

And I do read some of the stories here and feel like it is hopeless, like this is always going to be an issue for us and it will never truly be better. But I know my husband has changed, I can see it. But then I remember, that doesn't mean it is "safe". Just because he changed doesn't mean he can't go back.

I don't know about pain shopping. I never thought of it that way, because that isn't my intent here. My intent is to heal from this and the people here usually help with that. Sometimes though it goes the other way.

Queen_Of_Hearts_13 · Dec 7, 2017

I get like that. Sometimes what one SOs PA watched is a trigger because mine watched something similar, etc. or I read some PA comments and think... shit. Sometimes I just know which threads to stay away from and which posters are more troll like or are brand new in rebooting because the language they use to describe women or porn can anger me and can come off as disrespectful.

It comes down to figuring out what triggers you and knowing to stay away from that best as possible or take a mini break to recenter yourself.

For me, I can get paranoid if i read something i never thought about cuz im like shit now i need to ask my husband about that. He is good about me having my off days because let's be real we all are going to have our off/triggered days in this healing process.

WantsToBelieve · Dec 7, 2017

TryingToHeal said: ↑

And I do read some of the stories here and feel like it is hopeless, like this is always going to be an issue for us and it will never truly be better. But I know my husband has changed, I can see it. But then I remember, that doesn't mean it is "safe". Just because he changed doesn't mean he can't go back.
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Exactly. And I've seen people say that it doesn't go away entirely. And I hate thinking about that. Because do I really want to live like this forever? I hate second-guessing everything on such a constant basis. And like you said with yours being at work, it always happens to me when I'm at work and I end up having to disrupt my work day and text him with my stupid paranoid questions. I feel foolish doing it, but he deals with it very well. I'm proud of him for dealing with my crazy sometimes.

You're right, too. The SO's on here are the best resource we all have, each other. But the emotions we all go through sometimes, the really raw and deep ones, can really get all of us down. At least we know we're not alone, right? That's what I try to remember.

AnonymousAnnaXOXO said: ↑

I can get paranoid if i read something i never thought about cuz im like shit now i need to ask my husband about that.
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YES. YES YES YES. Happens to me a lot. That's why I blame myself a little bit for the Craigslist thing that happened to me. Because I hadn't thought he would do things like that, so I brought it up to him and he said he wouldn't and never had.... and then he did, for the first time. I feel like I planted that seed in his head.

Thank you ladies.

Jennica · Dec 7, 2017

WantsToBelieve said: ↑

I just want to know I'm not crazy, guys. Have any of you ever had days where you have to stop reading threads on here, just for a little while? Because it's getting you in such a paranoid, alerted state that you start questioning whether or not your partner is truly in recovery?
Do you look at the reboot threads, see how hard it is for a lot of these guys? Especially the ones in relationships. Does it give you flashbacks to your own trauma?

For those who know what 'pain shopping' is... Does this count? And should I put a boundary for myself up about it?

There have been so many ladies, who I care deeply about and think of frequently, who have had really bad days lately. Ladies whose journeys have been longer than mine, longer and harder. Yet their PA keeps messing up. Sometimes I lose hope.

It's nothing my partner has done to make me question this. It's just hard to keep believing that they can change... when they don't.
Click to expand...

Yes, one reason why we have No PA/NF Sunday’s.
I have days where I get sucked in and I start to think negatively and need to step away.

Kenzi · Dec 7, 2017

At two years in, I simply ask anything I want to know... I even asked the one question I was avoiding.
He stops and talks to me, even if it makes him late for work.
You really have to keep transparency moving forward after disclosure or discovery.
You just do

If your not in communication with your partner, why are you together...?
Even if it's raw.
Even if it sucks.
It's part of healing you both.

Deleted Account · Dec 7, 2017

WantsToBelieve said: ↑

I just want to know I'm not crazy, guys. Have any of you ever had days where you have to stop reading threads on here, just for a little while? Because it's getting you in such a paranoid, alerted state that you start questioning whether or not your partner is truly in recovery?
Do you look at the reboot threads, see how hard it is for a lot of these guys? Especially the ones in relationships. Does it give you flashbacks to your own trauma?

For those who know what 'pain shopping' is... Does this count? And should I put a boundary for myself up about it?

There have been so many ladies, who I care deeply about and think of frequently, who have had really bad days lately. Ladies whose journeys have been longer than mine, longer and harder. Yet their PA keeps messing up. Sometimes I lose hope.

It's nothing my partner has done to make me question this. It's just hard to keep believing that they can change... when they don't.
Click to expand...

There are times when I get like that too. If I feel like it is getting me in a negative mindset I will usually take a day or so break from the site or go to the success stories to renew my hope that recovery IS possible. All relationships are going to have their ups and downs and everyone’s journey will be unique but don’t lose hope. Pretty much if they are trying and want to get better then that is good now if they aren’t working it and keep relapsing and half assing it then that’s a problem! Hang in there and vent here whenever you need! *hugs*

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