NoFap Hard Mode Vs Soft Mode

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Deysonn, Jan 25, 2020.

  1. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys I got a few questions, from what i have learned so far Hard Mode means no PMO, sex or sexual activties period. In essense you don't have an O period. I am thinking soft mode is where you stop with PMO but it is okay if you have a normal sexual experience with partner. If I am wrong kindly let me know.

    I am seeing some comments which seem to indicate that Hard Mode is best but I am wondering if this really the case. The reason I ask is this, to my understanding one of the key issues with PMO is that you wire your brain to think the act of PMO is normal. And then when you get with a real person this seems abnormal and you are so desensitized to normal human sexuality your body does not respond the way it should.

    So my question is, would it not be healthy to engage in sexual activites with a partner while not doing PMO. i.e. making real sex the norm and PMO the abnormal.

    The only upside I think I see to hard mode is if you are like me and you have PIED in which case its not really choosing hard mode, thats you default because you can perform.

    All in all, does having actual sex slow your recovery from porn addcition and its side effect. I am thinking engaging in healthy sexual activities should be better.

    Looking forward to your comments and opinions.
     
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  2. juniormelville

    juniormelville Fapstronaut

    My feeling is that my whole system is wired and exhausted and I need to let it calm down.
     
  3. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Could you expand on this?
     
  4. juniormelville

    juniormelville Fapstronaut

    Now that I have stopped all sexual stimulation, I feel a sense of relief, like getting into the house from a storm. I feel like having any kind of sexual stimulation, including sexual thoughts or even, as I feel at this moment, getting aroused with my wife, would just be too much for me. Like I need to stop and catch my breath. I don't feel like my sexuality will be really healthy until I stop for a while and get back to baseline. My mental state is still jagged around the edges from the porn habit. I don't want to reactivate that latent energy. I need to let it disperse. If my system can calm down and get back to its natural state, I think I will feel different.

    Not very scientific, I know, just trying to describe my feelings.
     
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  5. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Cool, sounds okay to me. Hard Mode it is!! Best of luck bro.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I believe part of the reason hardmode is so beneficial is that you take a break from the dopamine flood from any sexual contact. You allow those neuropathways to heal. When my husband first started his reboot, we were trying soft mode, but what we found was that within 12 hours-a few days he would get hit with very strong urges. This made it so difficult to stay clean that it scared him. So he asked to do hard mode. We made it 50 days one attempt then 52 another attempt. We found that it really helped him.
     
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  7. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    This makes me wonder, how long should you go hard mode before you decide to reengage in normal sexual activity?
    Sounds like hard mode is good at first but at some point you have to start having a normal sex life again. I wonder when is the best time to start with real sex again. What are your opinions?
     
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  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My csat said to aim for 90 days. But like I said, we only made it 50 days 2x , lol. Mainly because I started getting detached. If you can get the 90 days hardmode you will be in a very good place. If you can go longer, then I’d do that.
     
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  9. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    I can understand your question and follow your thinking. It may seem counterintuitive, but having sex during your reboot will slow down your recovery from porn addiction. After you are some way into your reboot, you can resume actual sex.

    It is discerning the different between rebooting (your brain back to 'factory settings if you will) and rewiring (your brain to respond to a sexual partner rather than pixels on a screen). These are different processes and my recommendation is that you use hardmode for 60-90 days (i.e. 2-3 months) and then switch to soft mode and begin the rewiring process.
     
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  10. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    This could be a tall ask if you are in a relationship, especially if you are like me and cant discuss this with your partner. Right now I have been doing hard mode but this is partly due to me having PIED and my Girl Friend been very busy with work. I have had PIED in the past and found the a few weeks to a month I would be able to engage in sex again. However what i have found is that my Libido would fluctuate when i start back having sex. So I may find myself really into to it and then I have a flatline a couple days to a week after. My most recent fall came as a result of separation which occured between me and my GF. I could mastrubate with out porn initially after we split but then I found myself watching porn again. I found my PIED came back very quickly. Have not tried to have sex since I started and I am thinking I should continue to avoid for at least 30 days if I can.
     
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  11. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    Yes, these are all legitimate considerations. We are all different in terms of physiology, personality and our life experiences. Furthermore, if you are in an existing relationship it can be difficult to know what to do for the best. Many have found that disclosing their porn and masturbation addictions can be liberating and give them invaluable support. You say you cannot do this. Nevertheless, you will find many threads on this website discussing this topic, so they would be useful to explore.

    Masturbating without porn is, of course, preferable. However, you could be making things harder for yourself. Naturally, if we masturbate without porn, we usually fantasise about having sex. In fact, it is common for people to recall porn videos that they have got off to previously, so they can get the orgasm they crave. If you choose to masturbate, whatever the reason, endeavour to do so mindfully. Mindful masturbation would mean avoiding sexual imagery and fantasies as you masturbate. Instead, focus your thoughts and attention on the physical sensations you experience primarily from your penis, but all over your body. For some guys, it would be an opened door to a relapse with porn and, sadly, this has been observed over and over again with tragic results. :oops: Does mindful masturbation sound like a possibility for you @Deysonn?
     
  12. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    Another argument for hard mode is the chaser effect. If you abstain for a while and then have sex, the brain can really get enthusiastic about it and want more right away! Porn can become harder to resist in those moments. Those 2-3 days right after sex are dangerous for the streak. In a way it's more straightforward to accept the simple logic of hard mode, despite its difficulties, instead of going back and forth between indulging the urges and resisting.

    Having said that, soft mode can be done and work! :cool:
     
  13. juniormelville

    juniormelville Fapstronaut

    My Buddhist Master told me to abstain from sex for 3 months if I want to become a healer. I wonder if he's got a similar process in mind, not from the point of view of neuroscience but from accumulated experience.
     
  14. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    For me I think it is best that I not masturbate, this activity is linked too closely with watchin porn. Plus I find that masturbation robs you of your sexual energy. I rather save that for when I actually engage in sex. I also find that masturbation can desensitize the penis and then regular intercourse does not feel as good. To me it is best to avoid PMO all together. I have also been watching these videos regarding the benefits of semen retension so think I want to give it a shot.
     
  15. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    I agree with what you said regarding the temptation to indulge after being sexually active. I will just continue with Hard Mode for now. Then revert to soft mode sometime later. I have been wondering how many guys actually suffer with this issue and have no one to speak to. This forum is really usefull, and really helps with my frame of mind regarding this problem. Thanks guys!!
     
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  16. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    Semen retension seems to have roots that go way back in time and may have been practices across many cultures. Its like we always new it was not to be wasted.
     
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  17. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    This website (and all the other NoFap style resources) is the tip of a humungous ice berg. The amount of suffering caused by high speed internet porn is impossible to quantify. We're privileged to be here and to support others and be supported.
     
  18. Deysonn

    Deysonn Fapstronaut

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    I suspect you are right, people need to warn there Kids. For many children high speed internet porn will be there first exposure to sex. I started late and i got screwed........imagine being 13 and having access to the porn you have now. You would not stand a chance if you step into that world. Hurts me to think about it. Experts are now saying its even more detrimental if you start at an early age. Men are in so much trouble.
     
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  19. juniormelville

    juniormelville Fapstronaut

    We are thinking about having a kid and I'm really worried about this. Kids getting screen addicted from two years old, exposed to hardcore porn at average 12 years old... how can parents deal with those influences on their children? Porn, social media, video games, junk food, junk culture...?
     
  20. My therapist said the average age children are first exposed to porn is 9-10 years old, not 12. Can you imagine?

    I talked about this with my psychologist. It's possible to decide to prohibit screens inside the home.

    But unfortunately this will require a lot of education to make the kids understand why they can't use screens when all the other children have smartphones and watch Netflix and PMO starting at 10 years old (this is INSANE).

    I'm not married and nowhere near that but if I one day become married I'll have a serious tall about the use of technology in the household and I hope by then there will be communities of people sharing the same concerns and ideals than us. And promote a screen free lifestyle.
     
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