NoFap journal & reflective ramblings - Day 5 of 90

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Bananas, Apr 14, 2018.

  1. Bananas

    Bananas Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    Not sure If this is even the place for a male - I see a lot of inspiring & succinct words from some amazing women here and I don't see a lot of men here doing this so please tell me if If this post or male perspective is welcome or not welcome here

    I have been battling a variant of PA for a while and 2.5 years ago finally admitted to myself that it was a problem. My then partner (now wife) secretly knew of my behaviour but we had an honest conversation about it and what I was going to do. 2 years and a marriage later, despite the up's and down's - therapists, blockers, and a psych - I am here to learn and collate with a community of like minded people.

    I have an amazing wife who I absolutely adore and love, she's been so supportive and always maintains that I just have to be honest. Anyway long story short I have been at various points, but I'm always undone by my historic secretive MO behaviour that prevents partner-centric intimacy that could ultimately heal me longer term. Hence I guess the NoFap conversation. Having read they types this will be a PM-Mode challenge so that I can rid myself of individual MO but focus on improving my intimacy with my wife

    Anyway It's day 3 and I'm glad I've had some time alone to fully just sap all this site has to offer. Incidentally like a lot of things in life - it would appear that whilst most here have good intentions there are probably murkier undercurrents and people who may not have the best of intentions. Like all things I guess you reap what you sow. So after a few conversations with potential AP's I think I've figured out what I am looking for and look forward to documenting and sharing the journey with people...

    Thanks in advance
     
    Torn likes this.
  2. Hey Foxy & welcome.

    Well done for starting your journey, it's well worth the result. Do it properly and you and your wife will be closer, more intimate and happier than ever.

    I'm an SO which means I can't really advise you from experience. But look out for @GhostWriter. Between him and NoFap, my PA got clean and has been more loving and faithful than ever. The change I've seen in the past few days has stopped me from leaving (for another couple of days then another week if he carries on being the new man I've seen). I've still got things packed so he knows I will still leave if he goes back to old behaviour. But make sure you do this for you, not your relationship. There's a good reason for this. If you do it for your wife, you won't have an understanding of why it's healthier for you to stop. If you do it for you, understand porn addiction and choose to stay in recovery, your relationship will become stronger naturally.

    If your wife needs support, the SOs here are lovely, knowledgeable and she would be welcomed!

    Good luck. Don't give up on this - it'll be worth it. X
     
    phuck-porn!, Bananas and Torn like this.
  3. Bananas

    Bananas Fapstronaut

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    Day 5 – The experts opinion / guide & suggestions to PM-Mode

    Thanks for the support people. I am definitely looking for male role models to see how they’ve done it & will follow your work Ghost writer (pls feel free to PM me or I suggest where best I go – obviously follow other men’s journals right?)

    I guess I am unsure how these reflective journals work and for anyone reading I apologise for the very lazy and poorly written prose…. But more to the point. These journals are obviously personal and I think what I best saw on the w/e was it should be used as a way of communicating honestly and showing your partner your journey and steps. What I have been wanting to do more and more is just to be honest. And I will get her to read this when we sit down this evening.

    Obviously the first couple of days were easy, however, my weekend was not without difficulty either. Lots of arguing and negativity, which when you are trying to improve is really hard. But I got there, and fortunately I had a therapist session today – which after doing a lot of reading on the forums and finding my feet here was absolutely beneficial.

    I had a slight trigger in the morning before the session, which might have derailed me normally from a source that was not quite known to me, but fortunately I was able to self-correct early.

    At the therapy session later I discussed how I was going to do NoFap – not knowing how she would react given we had not mentioned this. Long story short, once I explained that I was in actual fact not being honest with myself how far gone my PMO addiction was she later said that what you are doing is moving from strategy 1 – which is harm minimisation to strategy 2 – Abstinence.

    As I have mentioned elsewhere I have installed Freedom (firewall for PC’s and mobile) to block out all of my triggers/distracting sites. But what I have found is that I am fine when around my wife, but when I’m at work/alone at home and nobody is around I go into sneak mode in my brain.. This is important I believe is as she mentioned ‘as soon as you say you could’ it is all over. As obviously your brain will argue to and fro about the merits and your pleasure side of the brain will activate and win over – So essentially you need a plan for this trigger or brain thought – more to come on this.

    The other things she suggested were giving my wife control over my laptop, and anything that puts me in a dangerous situation (I.e. Chats with utilities/telecom’s etc - exposure to related PSUBS) Also avoiding going into work on my own on a weekend, and finding an Accountability partner to provide SMS updates – which is what has been suggested here and I think I am close to doing, but if nothing else my wife is probably just as useful (again will reference back to this in my urge defence list – day 6)

    Other useful suggestions were if I can’t think about Porn or P (my association here is more often than not I will engage with just P and no MO) for a day, try half a day or an hour – essentially chunking. Another useful strategy at work and something that I have been wanting to do is to have a photo of our wedding at my desk (when we were both so happy) but glu-tacked to my monitor so it can’t be minimised and a strong reminder of what I am doing this for and why I want to get my self-control and discipline back..

    Finally, on another related note – I also am an avid sports gambler. Such as my addictive personality. In recent weeks I’ve noticed I’ve been a lot more dysfunctional with my punts (i.e. chasing losses – usually I am one of those rare gamblers who can make money – but found I gave a lot more back lately and chased silly bets e.g. compulsive behaviour. What she managed to explain was that this very behaviour of wanting to do something and getting the outcome straight away is highly dangerous. I.e. there is no time lag to weaken the urge and encourages the compulsive behaviour to be stronger - NET RESULT – harder to fend off PMO urges. This was completely new to me but made total sense.
    I can safely say as a result I promptly withdrew my profitable account (what was still left of it) and these extra funds can be applied now on my wife to do something special with her (now that she reads this I can have no qualms about wanting to save money!!)

    Lastly to finish up there from the therapist. There was a sense from her that I need to develop the ‘why I am doing this?’ (slightly alluded to earlier) but as a response to that I said the reason why I had gotten spells of success together, and then re-lapsed as I hadn’t found the next extrinsic goal. Marriage was my main reason for fighting this last year and I have had a motivation slump. But now we have NoFap!!

    I will finish it up there – as this is probably convoluted garbage. Probably need to digest a lot and talk it over with the wife. After some reflection and thoughts on goals I will be back tomorrow on Day 6 and also to finalise the urge defence list.
     

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