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NoFap low confidence

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Feb 10, 2021.

  1. I visit a therapy program for mental health and I go there every week. Whenever I go there I feel low confidence and I end up trying to make awkward conversations while I'm there. I end up finishing the day hating myself because I have low self esteem and can't make connections. I am on a streak of 9 days and I thought semen retention would absolve my social anxiety but it has not. Whenever I go anywhere else like restaurants, coffee shops, or stores I feel alright and less socially incompetent but theres something about waking up early (7:50am) and taking a 2 hour commute to this place that drains all my confidence and makes me feel unprepared. What can I do to solve this?
     
    ShotDunyun likes this.
  2. Slimjimjones

    Slimjimjones Fapstronaut

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    1. It's only been 9 days, but you also have to catalyze the growth yourself, specifically in changing your mindset so that you don't care what others think.
    2. 7:50 isn't early
    3. You commute 2 hours to go to this place? I hope it's worth it. Maybe watch jordan peterson and other male role models to help you
     
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  3. I gotta start working on myself because I'm doing nothing to change. I feel not content because I have no status like a job or a car yet. But this year I'm gonna start working on learning to drive. I'm also need to start trying to lose some weight and gain some muscle to gain more confidence. It's back to square 1 for me. I thought I was good because I started a streak but my anxiety is still there. I gotta put the past behind me for sure because 2020 wasn't my year.
     
    punch54 likes this.
  4. GrandRising

    GrandRising Fapstronaut

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    I think it's helpful to look at what might be causing your social anxiety. From what you've said it appears to be coming from low self-esteem, feeling less than others, thinking others will judge you because you aren't checking certain boxes.

    NoFap or SR generally won't make social anxiety go away. For myself I don't have much social anxiety right now and I'm not doing that well in terms of NoFap. I'm someone who used to have a lot of social anxiety though and I have been reflecting on why I don't feel it as much at the moment.

    Firstly, I'd say it's been a matter of time. I'm 27 now, and when I was younger I put far too much pressure on myself to be a certain way and I really wanted to impress the people around me. Over the past few years I've slowly adjusted my mindset to something more along the lines of understanding that I am my own person and that I'll never be able to impress everyone. Further, it truly doesn't matter what other people think of you for the most part. In certain situations it can definitely have an impact, but the impact is often far less than we imagine it to be. Most people are focused on themselves and dealing with their own stuff. I know most of this is just cliche "how to stop your social anxiety" advice but it's cliche because it's true. The tricky part is internalising and understanding it for yourself.

    Secondly, I had low-self esteem like you, and I'd say that I have good days and bad days and I can find myself lacking confidence and feeling pathetic many days. But it's a lot less than it used to be. The main three things which have helped are committing to do something good for myself every day, finding communities or groups of friends where I can feel supported/validated, and not letting any action/part of my life control how I feel about myself. For years if I fapped I'd hate on myself constantly, if I played video games all day I'd think I was the worst person in the world. And then I couldn't face anyone. Everything was too much. Now I see those actions as negative but not so much that they disable me. I take the approach of trying to do good things to counteract the bad so that even if I am screwing myself over in one area I'm doing good in another. I remember a podcast I listened with this amazing, famous psychotherapist and she said that it's all about deciding what thing you want to excel in and what part of your life you're OK with falling apart. Because whenever we do good in one area inevitably another area of our life starts to lag behind. The key is finding the balance that works for us and where our lives are at.

    Which brings me to expectations. Anxiety often manifests because of unrealistic expectations. For example, I had the expectation that every day I'd exercise, study, eat well, talk to a girl etc. The reality is that some days all I'll have the energy for is to exercise and eat well, or do 1 hour of study and waste the rest of the day. I might speak to one girl a week, or month etc. The other expectation I had is that all my social interactions have to go smoothly and the other person has to like me. That's not how it happens. Some social interactions are really awkward because both people are not feeling it in that moment, or maybe it's just an odd situation you find yourself in. Or perhaps you're really different people and you can't find common ground. Some people won't like you on first glance because of their own expectations of people or perhaps they're having a terrible day or you remind them of someone they hate. Some days I have to go food shopping or go to dance class when I'm tired and out of it. The social interactions can be sloppy, weird, unwanted etc. But I do it anyway these days. Because I don't have the expectation that things must work out for it to be OK, or for me to be OK. And of course more often than not the interactions actually go fine. Not really good or bad, just fine.

    So this may or not be helpful. I recommend looking closely at your expectations around social situations and for yourself in general and adjusting to them to something that you can realistically achieve. I still have big ideas for what my future self might look like but I don't expect my present self to become that anytime soon. It's all a work in progress.

    Lastly, what do you do with your time on your 2-hour bus ride?
     
  5. Well for what causes my social anxiety it goes back to my mid teenage years when you're still developing as a person. I used to smoke a ton of weed and jacked it everyday and because of that I lost everything. I lost a 10/10 potential girlfriend that was my first love and I basically dropped out of school because I would cut every day. This caused my mom to abandon my sister and I and she moved out and left us in our old house to fend for ourselves. My self confidence was basically nothing because I had nothing. I couldn't look anyone in the eye because I felt shame and alone. This caused my friends to abandon me too. This really gave me abandonment issues and causes me not to trust or let anyone in because I was ridiculed by my friends and left on bad terms.

    Fast forward to the present and I'm still trying to overcome my distrust of strangers. That's what makes me socially awkward. It's like I want to let them in but at the same time I have no empathy for them. I'm trying to fight the feeling and also the self loathing. And I miscalculated on the bus time I have, it's like 1 hour 10 minutes and I just listen to music or a podcast on my way to and back
     
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  6. punch54

    punch54 Fapstronaut NoFap Defender

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    Hey bro. First of all, I appreciate that you've been making attempts to get better at conversing by putting yourself out there and trying to talk to people. This definitely requires courage to do. I used to have extreme anxiety and I used to be incredibly awkward as well. People would often give me a half-cringe-half-smile face when I conversed with them. I've overcome that since, so I want to share with you some golden advice on how you can overcome your anxiety and awkwardness. But first and foremost, it's extremely important to have the right mindset. So I want you to make sure you have the following:
    1. Trust Yourself - This is important. You have you to know that you are definitely capable of overcoming your anxiety & awkwardness, and that you absolutely will achieve that goal. Oftentimes, the greatest of people are those with humble beginnings. Take Abraham Lincoln & Thomas Edison for instance. Lincoln describes his early life as one of "the short and simple annals of the poor". As well, Thomas Edison the man who invented the light bulb, was described by his teachers as "too stupid to learn anything". He was also fired from two jobs because he was too unproductive. Yet both of them later became to be among the best men that history knows because they were persistent in working and knowing that they were capable of achieving great things. In fact, all human beings are capable of achieving great things.
    2. Ignite a Burning Desire For It - This is something that you desperately want to achieve, therefore, within reason, you must make sure that your comfort zone will not ever hold you back from it. Judging by the way you wrote this issue in your post, you definitely already have this, which is without a doubt excellent.
    3. Put In Hard Work - Success is only one step away after failure. You have to continue practicing talking to people, even though it can be painful. This is the part where most people fall short in achieving their goals. It's when one gives up and loses hope that keeps them away from success. No! That not what the Wright Brothers (the amazing men who invented the airplanes) said after many many failures. They were ridiculed and put down constantly because others saw them as ridiculous and stupid. But now see how all sorts of people ranging from average lifestyles to someone as important as the President of a Superpower country use these magnificent machines regularly. So put in the whatever reasonable work you think it will take to become better at socializing.
    4. Don't Let Failure Stop You - You have to keep getting back up every time you fall down. That's how toddlers master walking - by continuously getting up and trying again and again. As I mentioned earlier, success is only one step away from failure. Don't lose hope ever and keep persisting!
    5. Give Back On Your Experiences - Don't ever think: Take something and give nothing back. If you come accross someone who's struggling with the same problem that you used to suffer from (and chances are that you will), then do what you can to help them out. Personally, when I do this I tend to feel great, and I find my own life continuously improving one way or another, even if I might face any type of setback along with it. But when I don't help out because of laziness or because I think that I'll just let someone else help out, then I find my life going downwards from there. I also know from personal experience that whenever I try to motivate someone with words, my words become formed really nicely and my speech is delivered to the point. Contrarily, when talking about some useless topic like about an action movie or something like that, then my flow of speech and conversations don't flow well. It may also help you to become better at talking to others by helping out with motivation. It doesn't have to be someone in real life, you can try helping out others on this forum as an alternative (as I often do).
    Some of the things that helped me overcome being awkward include:
    • Quitting video games. For some reason, folks who play video games regularly, like twitch streamers for instance, tend to be some of the most awkward & cringe folks. So I quit video games cold turkey a few months back to see if this was true. And it was: My awkwardness did die down significantly since then.
    • Working out regularly. Exercising is an excellent and proven way to improve not only your physical looks, but also your anxiety (and depression if you have that) as well. If you're new to working out, then it might take at least a week of consistent working out before you start feeling awesome.
    • Reading books. I remember my English teacher once complemented me about how my writing improved greatly since last year (of High School). He said, "you must have been reading a lot lately", to which I affirmed. Strangely, I've also found reading books to help improve my flow of speech better as well.
    • Practicing talking to people. Practice makes perfect. I sometimes stop people along a sidewalk to ask for directions to a place that I already know directions to. I do this to measure my confidence and ability to talk with strangers.
    Good luck, bro! I do believe that you can overcome your anxiety and awkwardness. Keep us updated on this forum about your journey. I'm really interested to know how your journey goes.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2021
    ResetButton likes this.
  7. GrandRising

    GrandRising Fapstronaut

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    Wow man. That's a brutal set of situations. I've lost a few great women over the years to stupid habits and depression/anxiety. Thankfully I have always had my friends so I'm sorry you haven't had that support or your parents.

    I suppose all you can do is keep trying, keep going to your therapist and working on yourself as best you can. It's gonna take time though, especially the learning to trust people - time and courage.

    Patience and compassion for yourself would be your best tools in my opinion. That's what underlies a lot of change.
     
    ResetButton likes this.
  8. Thank you for all of your advice, I appreciate it. I started working out and shadow boxing my frustrations away. I find that getting pissed improves that workout. I think I have to really double down and work on myself by reading some books, practicing a better diet, and working out regularly again. I'm gonna stay to myself for a while I figure out the person I want to be before I try to make any friends, especially before I try and get a gf. The whole time I will be practicing NoFap, I plan to go a year without porn and a year practicing semen retention. I call this "The year of progress" I'm just hoping I don't get screwed by a wet dream but shit happens.
     
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  9. punch54

    punch54 Fapstronaut NoFap Defender

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    Great stuff! Concerning wet dreams, umm.. I don't know how true this is, but I think wet dreams can be caused by having a weak mindset. So here's the thing (with me): If I have a mindset or goal that I'm actively pursuing, and in the process of this I'm wasting as little time as possible, like for example, achieving financial freedom by working hard in various ways, then I'm able to go a long time without a wet dream. I had gone a month without a wet dream with this mindset until I relapsed from porn.
    However, if I do have a goal in mind, but I'm putting little or no effort to achieve it (i.e. I'm just going with the flow), then I tend to have frequent wet dreams. The max time I've gone without a wet dream was a month. If it wasn't for relapsing from PMO, and if I was still pursuing financial freedom at the same time (which right now I still am) then I think that I would probably still have the same seed (semen) with me right now.
    Also, personally I advise you to be careful with getting a girlfriend. The reason I say that is because if you do "the deed" with her, you might end up getting AIDS/HIV. I don't know why, but this isn't something that people usually talk about until it's too late when they're diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2021
  10. Damn bro now you got me scared about STDs lol. I know that that's true so I look for females that haven't had alot of sexual partners. There is a girl I know that I know would be an easy fuck, but I know she's had alot of sexual partners so I'm cautious. I'm looking for a relationship anyway so I dont want to spill my seed for a one night stand when what I really want is affection. I haven't even looked at nudes so hopefully no sexual dreams happen. Kegels have saved me before, I almost busted a nut sleeping but my kegels stopped it. I highly recommend them
     
  11. fan_of_all_might

    fan_of_all_might Fapstronaut

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    4 hours of commute per day ? That's unacceptable man. You must get a job closer or move closer. I can't even fathom how much of your life is getting eaten il right now. If you absolutely need the exp (ie. It's your first job in a tough field ) set a HARD limit to how long you'll do that , definitely less than one yr. But I doubt you couldn't make the situation better. Move closer, get some roommates whatever it takes. Get your commute down to 30mins and you get an extra 3 hours, you can change your life with that time. Exercise and home cooked meals, meditate. Options are endless.
     
  12. theMotivator

    theMotivator Fapstronaut

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    When i started no MO, I started also engaging in uneasy situations, and over time you start getting used to it. One really good tip helped me: I once walked by group of people on street, who were waiting something, and one of the person was doing stretching. I was thinking: Oh look cool, people doing stretches, it's healthy (or something like that). And as I moved closer, he looked at me, and said to the other people: "Yeah, it's good, but people are watching." That was one of the moments that changed my perception 180degrees. I thought to myself: look, i was thinking good about him, but he shied away, because he thought, that he looks funny or something. I though - it must be the same for me. I think that others think, that i'm looking stupid, but actually it may be not the case.

    Also I often had the akward voice cracking situations, but once I noticed, that one person also had the situation, but I didn't even notice the voice crack, but he was doing the little throat cleaning coughing (you know what i mean), afterwards.

    After analyzing all those small situations I really gained a lot of confidence and started to pay less attention to these things.

    Of course, if you sit in quarantine for long time, I feel like i lost some of the confidence, but it's not even close to the low level I used to have before.
     
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  13. Update: I have more confidence now. I've been talking to more people now and I even have a love interest that might be into me. I'm throwing away my old self and standing up. I'm still abstaining from cheap dopamine spikes and I have NoFap to thank. It really gave me strength when I thought I was done and semen retention really changed my direction. I feel like I will be that guy who doesn't even think about adult entertainment. Thanks for helping me out.
     
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  14. punch54

    punch54 Fapstronaut NoFap Defender

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    That's wonderful to hear man! Keep it up and thanks for updating us, that motivated me as well bro.
     
    ResetButton likes this.
  15. Liminal

    Liminal Fapstronaut

    man, 7:50 pm isn't early I wish I could wake up at that time (I gotta wake up at 6:30)
     
  16. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Hang in there OP! I'm worse than you psychologically, but at least i found a stable job, but everything else in my life sucks... no good relationships, no good taking care of myself and working out and no skills with women...
     

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