Hi fellow fapstronauts, I'd like to share a thought that crossed my mind while my depression and anxiety deepens on daily basis. I've been in monk mode for 4 months now and one thing became clear to me. Abstention removes blisters covering your mental wounds. Unaddressed problems resurface and attack you with vengeance. Whatever they might be. That's why it's so hard to abstain. Real problem is not PMO. PMO is just a painkiller, bad coping mechanism, we learned to numb our emotions. True problem lies beneath it. If porn was to blame, I'd be fine by now. I have no desire to watch it or M for that matter anymore. Yet I'm falling deeper and deeper into depression which is becoming way worse than in times of binge PMO. Granted, I was all numbed out, literally living like a zombie with I don't give a F... about anything attitude and I don't want to go back, but I didn't feel profound emptiness, darkness, loss of purpose I experience today. I can understand now how can one kill himself without obvious reason. How one addresses hole in his/her soul that is eating him/her alive remains a big question to me. Sure therapists say you need to find life purpose/goals to fill the void, but how when everything seams pointless? Priests say faith will save you, but will it? I was born and raised Catholic, quite religious, yet faith seamed like empty words in the moments when death was knocking on the door without hope of leaving. Is faith just another blister humans have invented to cover our inability to accept our own demise? Who knows… I'll start climbing out of this depressive and anxious rabbit hole episode now by implementing daily aerobic exercise routine, like I've done many times before. Maybe I'll backpack my things and go for a week long hike in nature and I know it will help, it always does. But is aerobic activity not just another form of blister on my unresolved issues with myself and life itself? Strangely I feel more in touch with my true self now looking and experiencing the void, then when I'm on binge PMO, exercise or whatever drug of choice comes next. I know I have to stop staring at it as there is a real chance hopelessness might push me over the cliff, but there is something deeply profoundly liberating in abandoning all hope even if just for a moment.