Non existent sex life with wife

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by cascadence27, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone . I can’t believe how many times I have to create new usernames , only after my wife finding out its me from my phone . She found out that I cheated on her before by reading on these forums .

    I can only hope that she won’t found out its me again .

    I am going to start this post by saying that my sex life with wife has always been bad and disappointing. It was only in the first few months of our marriage (1 and a half year ago ) that I enjoyed sex a little bit with her, also due to erection meds , where I felt numb and not really into it but trying hard to please her .

    I lost all interest in sex after that . Stopped using meds and also stopped finding wife attractive . Started watching porn again . Also it’s been a full year I haven’t initiated sex with wife . It was always her who did , and I have felt forced into having it and pretended many times to please her and imagined porn stars while doing it . Also haven’t O ‘d with wife for over a year . I have always stopped in the middle after feeling disappointment.

    My porn use after years of straight porn had also escalated to trans and some feminine gay porn . I got into these genres after a long time quitting them before .
    I have questioned my sexuality many times, but I know I don’t want trans or gay sex in reality. I have always felt sexually and in love in women only , and never thought of being in relationship with a man or live the gay lifestyle .
    I know that when I quit all porn , my attraction to attractive women starts to come back , but I ruin it with porn relapses.

    Because of porn only , I have questioned myself if I am bisexual, but I still think it may not be true and it may not suit me as I never had these sexual preferences in my life before porn use escalated .

    Anyway , my point is that I still don’t find my wife attractive anymore . I struggled with this even before marrying her, but ignored it . Now , I still find other women attractive and have fantasized about them but not my wife .

    I am not going to bore everyone with the details of how me and my wife are still together after she finding out I cheated on her once with a lady prostitute , but the reality is that in our marriage , no one is happy .

    We have had our fair share of fights and arguments , and also some good moments but none of them involved any sex .

    I have been thinking for a long time that our marriage isn’t going to last long if all this continues.

    I have very weak communication with her , I don’t feel like sharing what I really feel with her . She’s going to end up being really hurt if I say I don’t find her attractive anymore . I feel like she knows it , but we are both together , mainly due to emotional bonding .

    I don’t know how this is going to work in the future between us .

    I have also thought of divorce as the final option for us . I have felt for a long time , that we are not right for each other and maybe some other man would better fulfill her needs than me . I don't make much efforts to please her, mainly because I don't feel that sexual connection with her .

    It’s going to be 2 years together in a few months in this hell hole of a marriage .

    Just thought I would rant as I really need a way out of this .
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2020
    Di.Do.555, Metis07 and Hardwork11 like this.
  2. RDucky

    RDucky Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    She does deserve better than you.
  3. jn75

    jn75 Fapstronaut

  4. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

    You should probably (ofc you know better) take action and get a divorce, as long as you and you’re wife don’t have children, it is easier to do it now.
    And I am not saying that she deserves a better man, who knows maybe you deserves better woman, I don’t know at all your situation, or there is no one to blame - sometimes people are just not compatible.

    But what I know for sure - get your sh*t together, stop pmo and related stuff, go on with your real life
  5. Why the fuck would you marry someone you’re not attracted to? Do both of you a favor stop wasting your time and get a divorce
  6. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    wow dude. shame on you
  7. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    to the OP: divorce her ASAP.
    you dont love her,
    she doesnt love you

    more on, she is totally controlling you.
    how come she spies on your phone, checks your messages and all that. is she your mother?

    you have serious co-dependence problems. read a lot about that, then about narcissist disorders as she might be one
    then read about red pill.

    then grow a pair and fix your life dude.

    do it!

    sorry if I sound harsh. sometimes its needed.

    PS. If you betrayed her once, you can be sure she did it 5 times at least already.
  8. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

    I feel like these mfs are overreacting. You know what might solve it? Actually talking to your wife, don't be spineless
  9. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

    We don’t have children yet , and I agree about the divorce , but it’s not going to be easy .

    Other than sex and also a bit of my weed smoking which she has a problem with, we do like each other , but it’s more like being affectionate , friendly and bonding in emotional ways , and it just bums me out that I don’t feel like having sex anymore with her . Sometimes , I get really tough flatlines where I don’t feel any arousal , but I’m sure my excessive porn use in the past has a part to play in it as well .

    I used to find my wife attractive when we were dating . After marriage , she started to gain weight by eating and also due to hormonal issues . That became a total turn off for me , and that’s why I cheated as I wasn’t happy feeling that my sexual needs won’t be met by her .

    It’s just really weird . I do feel like I love her in other ways more , and it feels hard to let go . She’s also attached a bit to my parents as well . Imagine the hurt they would feel when they find out we want to divorce .

    My wife asked me what I want to do with our marriage. I just don’t have the courage to say all this whatever I’m saying here, to her.
    She has already told me she’s considering separating and she has thought many times before . She wants to plan her future , and wants to hear what all I have to say about our future . I just don’t know if I ll be able to go through with talking about divorce right now . Also , I find it difficult to let go of our emotional attachment which has grown ever since we were married . I really don’t know what’s going to happen , but I have to take action soon .
  10. From the things you described you both seem quite attached to each other.

    My advice to you is to go to couple counseling as soon as possible. No matter if you stay together or not, a counselor can help you both to speak with each other and if you decide to split up, he or she will support you to do it in a very humane way. Since you say you both have a great connection I think you deserve that chance. Who knows mahbe you both can even work through it all together. :)

    I think if you think she does deserve better than you, take action and change. Take this as a wake-up call on how destructive porn can be. You have a naked women, who is your partner and loves you, and turn her down. You even saying that you see it as a bourdon is messed up already - no matter if feeling super strong attracted or not. There should be a natural arousal from time to time that goes through your whole body. I am certain the attraction will come back if you quit porn. Quit porn brother. Even if this relationship cannot succeed what will gonna change in the future if your behavior won't change?

    For which reason did you take medication? Did you experience ED?

    Last but not least I can only recommend to read some books about couple therapy like "Love Sense" by Sue Johnson. It is a great book on how couples can succeed even after hard relationship traumas.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2020
  11. Zeus@1234

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

    man, i feel really sad for you, this addiction does ruin one's life for sure.

    I would advice you to try with all your heart once, give it your best shot, abstain from pmo like never before and I'm sure it'll do wonders.

    I too felt whenever i used to pmo, i didn't find my girlfriend much entertaining or attractive, i would indulge in binging porn seeking novelty, however since my nofap, i feel a lot more attraction towards her and love.I feel that she is enough and feel very contended and satisfied with her.
    I connect with her a lot more, and sometimes she even gets irritated that I talk too much to her.

    So if would suggest try the 90days challenge
    Please just try it once, and even then if it doesn't work out, you can have your individual ways.

    Wishing you the best of lucks.
    PeterNF.01 and Indurian like this.
  12. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    this will only make her controlling the narrative even more, he will be wasting time and money on this and at the end nothing will come out of it.
    there was no counselor when they started to hook up years ago, right? they are both adults.
    but oh what do I know. lol

    the narrative youre feeding this guy further pushes him down the ''I am weak, at fault, little boy''
    better than him? maybe he also does deserve better than her?
  13. What you're calling 'emotional bonding' sounds like emotional codependency. How can you stay married to someone, or connect with them, if you can't tell them the truth?
  14. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    yeah. its tragic. he has no clue at all whats happening.

    ''I have very weak communication with her , I don’t feel like sharing what I really feel with her . She’s going to end up being really hurt"
    - he just said he doesnt talk with her, doesnt trust her, doesnt want to share anything with her so he is in deep trouble because hes wasting his precious lifetime with someone he dislikes, but oh wait SHE is going to end up hurt? codep as fuck

    "She’s going to end up being really hurt if I say I don’t find her attractive anymore ''. - she wont. she will only say she is. she will play the emotional trick because its her emotions that dominate this ''relationship'', not his actions as a man. I mean, it should be a healthy balance at best. theres no balance because theres no MAN around.

    ''I feel like she knows it , but we are both together , mainly due to emotional bonding .'' - of course she knows. thats why she wont feel hurt :D she felt that long time ago, before getting FAT. and btw, do you think she cares at this point? her love is dead for a long time towards him. attraction died even sooner. she doesnt give a damn if you want her or not. shes already planning her life afterwards. and this dude is hanging in some sort of romantinc dreamland ''oh I dont have courage to say this to her, she will feel hurt'' dude your relationship is DEAD.

    anyway sounds really toxic for both parties atm.

    last thing I want to say ''We don’t have children yet'' - OMG. Yet?

    Dont make this tragic mistake.
  15. Di.Do.555

    Di.Do.555 Fapstronaut

    Three options:
    1- Divorce. This won't solve any problem unless u commit to change.
    2- Be honest with her and ask for her support.
    You still need to change.
    3- Do nothing - this would kill both of you, slowly but surely.

    Change = hardmode for at least a year. With few relapses after 3 months.
    During that period you need to affirm to yourself that you are a strong confident and alpha male until u start acting like one.
    acosme and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  16. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    Just a hint: You are easy to be found out, because you put press the space bar in front of commas and full stops. Nobody does that and if you text your wife the same way, she knows it's you.

    Just for the record: How old were both of you when you met and how old when you got married? How much sex did you have, with her and with others before that?

    Why did you choose to ignore it? Every man I know looks for a physically attractive girlfriend and then figures out if he wants to marry her. Why didn't you?

    Please describe this "emotional bonding" in more detail. When and how did it start?
  17. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    People arrive here with their self-diagnosed "porn problem", while they are primary using it as cope for another disorder. It's the same as when someone starts drinking, because he got stuck in a toxic relationship.

    That is the reason why any professional psychiatrist dealing with an addict first does a background-check and strongly suggests "Fix this first!" before he starts putting him on withdrawal for recovery. So relationships are usually not fixed by: "He stops drinking then she is happy again." Instead he gets into a stable and supporting environment first, because going on withdrawal is hard enough on its own.

    As matter of fact, there is no chance at beating a sex addiction when being in such a crappy situation.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 14, 2020
    tavla likes this.
  18. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Fapstronaut


    These people here don´t know jack shit of what they´re talking about. Porn has warped your mind dude and it has made you lose attraction. You´re not the only one, I have felt the same before, even with hot girls thanks to porn. I say that you should get divorced after you talk to her and tell her what´s really happening. If she doesn´t want to help you and refuses to understand, well then there is no other option. But first, grow a pair of balls and tell her how porn has fucked you up and that you need accountability to surpass this addiction. Don´t do anything rash that will cause an even bigger regret later in life.
    shyfox and Chris_Cactusblossom like this.
  19. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    yes. well.. sort of. Like it depends on the man. In my case I clearly saw what porn did to me, back in the days but when my back-then relationship reached an end, I knew both must go... it was and still is a long road, but sometimes fixing one helps with the other.

    idk how much a modern therapist recognize that masturbation and porn might be a problem albeit I think thats changing, thankfully
    Chris_Cactusblossom likes this.
  20. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

    he admitted he had no attraction towards her even before marriage.
    if someone marries a person without feeling that its not porn, its fucking bad decision making and the problem goes beyond porn

    I wont comment on your ''people dont know jack shit'' because thats just silly to say that. After few years you can recognize the same pattern in weak men around you. We DO know what we are talking about and covering it up wont help this dude. Because its him who needs help, not us.

    And btw, his wife has had enough of his weakness. ''helping him out'' is the fucking LAST thing she wants to do now lol. Do you even understand women man?
    Its not her job to fix him. If anything, that would make her lose every last bit of respect towards him but at this point Im certain she has none. She expects he already knows how to be a man.

    But it also on a side note makes me wonder... if he had no attraction towards her back before marriage, she had to sense this. Women are very good in that regard. So she knew and felt this and still married the dude?
    Sounds like a typical narc-codependent or at least unhealthy relation to me. you know, you need two for the tango.

Share This Page