Non existent sex life with wife

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by cascadence27, Jul 27, 2020.

  1. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    Everyone puts spaces behind punctuation, but you put them before. And that makes your "anonymous" personas glow like a Christmas tree.
     
  2. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

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    There is nobody mentally challenged in my marriage. I only have an addiction to weed and porn. So far, I have had long streaks at times without it.

    I was positive in my first year of marriage of things working out between us, but after a long time it’s just not working out. There are many reasons- sexual needs and compatibility being the main ones.
    Nobody expected things would go this bad between us.

    My problem is that I didn’t have any experience sexually or romantically with anybody other than my wife before marriage.
    I’ve made bad judgements and decisions in my last few years and the worst of all being getting married early before understanding myself and women.

    I’ll try my best to sort myself out and even if my marriage doesn’t work out anymore, I’ll have my freedom to start a new life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2020
    fredisthebes likes this.
  3. Nothing to lose??? Lmao your arrogance is so thick
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020
  4. Dude, do yourself a favor and don't listen to the absolute braindead hacks on this forum. I wish you all the best and I want you to come out of horrible situation okay, but maybe you should see a therapist or something. Maybe you have already, I didn't read much of what you posted. But judging from all the shitty advice and speculating people are doing here, you're probably doing yourself more harm than good asking this forum for help.
     
  5. Envoy-ofthe-End

    Envoy-ofthe-End Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, he has NOTHING to lose, didn´t you read what he said? He clearly expressed that he didn´t like her and it was his first relationship. If OP wants to avoid turning into a cuck he´d better just talk to her straight up.
     
  6. There are pros and cons to every decision
     
    oretna likes this.
  7. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

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    My wife blames my weed smoking as one of the main causes of our marriage problems. If I decide to divorce her now, everybody especially my parents would be unsupportive of my decision. Everyone in my family will blame me for screwing it up.

    I have decided that I am going to end this marriage at the right time.
    My plan is that I’m going to get clean of weed as well,for 4 months and clear of porn too, this being the most important.

    If still sexual and marital problems continue even when i’m in the right place mentally and physically, then there is no option but to separate. We both would be just living a life of compromise, constant adjustments and never ending bitterness.

    I hope this relationship end soon. I’m really done pretending to live my life like this.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2020
    Irishman37 likes this.
  8. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    The main cause of marriage problems is a nagging wife. And the best way to solve those is getting rid of her.

    You tell her, that it is your decision to smoke weed (or not) and it's the wife's task to support her husband in his decisions - you consider her PoV, but as the executive you have the final word. This example case of getting stoned is just a test, if you can stand by your decisions, even if your spouse doesn't like them. If she wants to make her own decisions (and tries to manipulate you into accepting them), she opted out of your marriage, and that's what you tell your parents: She left you, not you her.

    Guy, you don't live your life for your parents. Grow up! Make your own decisions and defend them.

    There is no right time other than "now".
     
    Metis07 likes this.
  9. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    If you feel right to get a divorce now, do it no matter what.

    If you are not sure, need some time to figure it out (especially get ‘clean’ from weed and pmo, probably separate from your wife for some time too, to see what you really want), do it.

    Cliché but take 100% responsibility, you are the man, you can only consider advices from your parents/wife/friends/anonymous guys from this forum, but it’s your life and your choices.
     
  10. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Don’t give a fck
     
  11. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Don’t waste your (and her) time, if you are sure do it now
     
  12. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I think you need to be really honest with yourself here. What circumstances would have to change in order that your marriage is 'saved'? Are you willing to put in an extraordinary amount of effort in order to save your marriage?

    If the answer to the second question isn't yes, then you are doing nothing but being a coward and delaying the inevitable.

    In fact, I suspect that your desire to be clean of porn and weed is not to try and save your marriage, but to prepare yourself to leave her and attract someone else. And you intend to string her along in the meantime.

    Am I being unfair to you?
     
  13. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Romantic relationships are hard, I am bad at them. There seems to be a lack of communication and humility. There has to be give and take. You have to encourage each other to higher standards. Push each other to make changes. If she's getting overweight, start hitting the gym together. Don't just expect her to be your personal sex robot that will magically figure out what you want and make it happen. You both need to get on a diet together! You need to be honest and humble yourself. I have helped lots of my friends lose weight and get fit because I set the example. I say, let's go workout. Let's have a challenge to get fit together and lose weight. It's not complicated. Set the example. Be a leader. Don't be judgmental, but encourage the good. Set high standards for yourself and bring her along with you. You can't just set high standards for yourself that's not good leadership. You set high standards and then you ask her to come halfway with love and kindness. She has to trust that you have the best in mind for her, not forcing her to be your personal prostitute. Grow together. Or die separately. And maybe she won't want to grow together and you can't do anything about it, but at least give it a shot.

    "People don't care what you have to say until they know how much you care." This is how you're going to have to start this line of communication recognizing that she probably thinks you don't care about her so she probably won't care what you have to say initially. Over time this could change if you care for her on a consistent basis.

    Work to become best friends, not roommates.
     
    kaia likes this.
  14. Stick_shift

    Stick_shift Fapstronaut

    Dude, I am in a very similar journey as yours. Only difference is my wife doesn't know of my addiction and I have not cheated on her except watching porn. But all the other experiences are quite similar.

    Don't take extreme steps of divorce. Don't feel yourself unworthy husband.
    I can tell you just making your mind to commit for nofap for rest of your life and just reflecting that acceptance will naturally change your behavior and will create new spark between you two.

    Ask yourself, do you love her? Forget about attraction or sex life. Attraction is a state of mind. Be patient and give some time to heal your self and to your relationship. If she already know, I suggest be open and admit your mistakes, women are generally forgiving and it will create

    In just 10 days, I see we have come closer and my emotions are more controllable. I still gets lots of urges just by looking at other pretty women, in pictures or walking on the sidewalk, but have strong feelings that reboot will change my life completely.
     
    fredisthebes, RDucky and Mr. Diesel like this.
  15. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah dude right, why don't you go ahead and marry her.
     
  16. cascadence27

    cascadence27 Fapstronaut

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    I have been doing some thinking and this is what is happening now.
    My Dad suggested that I go to rehab to quit my weed use. I took it as an opportunity to get better for myself and think hard on what to do about marriage in the future. My smoking was getting a little out of control and I wasn't getting any clarity about my life and what I want to do.

    My emotional bond with wife is still there a bit, and this is what is confusing me a great deal as to what's going to happen as there is just no sexual chemistry. I haven't felt like having sex with her for over a year . I'm not saying my wife is bad looking , but she did let herself go for a while soon after marriage. She's been on a strict diet plan for a few months, but she doesn't workout. I feel sometimes that if she transformed herself, I might start feeling some attraction like I used to have when we were dating 4 years ago. I don't know if that's even going to happen, but I need to take a decision very soon in a few months whether the marriage should go on or not.

    My emotional bond with wife is mainly holding each other when we go to sleep, cuddle in the morning and kiss on the cheek. That's it. It's only her who says she loves me, and I just say it back as she said it. I know it all sounds really weird as to how is all this happening without any sex, but this is the sad world we both are living in.

    Anyway, now I'm in a rehab for 1 month. 5 days gone here.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2020
    This is it and Vitoriosa like this.
  17. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    Marriage is a serious commitment, and it deserves serious effort. No marriage is easy, it always takes effort.

    If your wife is checking your phone there is usually a reason. Your wife is likely in TRAUMA (not codependent as some have said here). If she knows you already cheated on her or are using pornography and masturbation than she is definitely in trauma.

    The co-dependency model that a lot of therapists use is proving to be faulty. When a women finds out that her husband has been unfaithful or is unfaithful it is horrific. We, the unfaithful, cannot understand it because we aren't the ones being cheated on. Even if we have been cheated on its not the same but we cheat on others, so the impact isn't nearly as bad.

    Talk to your wife and give HER the option to stick it out with you as you try and navigate this, or to leave. Your pornography usage and acting out is absolutely killing your marriage, she may not know the details but she can FEEL it.

    Divorce won't actually make anything easier either. It's not a solution, it just keeps her safe if she doesn't want to be involved.

    If you can stop using pornography and acting out you will be able to connect with your wife, if you want to. Attraction is not purely physical. There is an emotional side to physical intimacy. If you are not able to connect (and you can't emotional connect if you aren't faithful), then even if there is physical attraction, there still wont be true attraction.

    My advice though is to find a professional who can help you make a proper disclosure. The disclosure of this can make things worse if not done properly.

    As married men it is our duty to understand what kind of impact our choices have on our wives. There are a lot of great resources out there if you are willing to look. You will find that the way your wife is reacting to you is out of trauma.

    Good luck, I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide.
     
    Gef 71 likes this.
  18. GoldenDreams

    GoldenDreams Fapstronaut

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    If you got married to her, you said you would love and serve her for as long as you both live, probably. I think you should fight for what you had/need to have. Fight to stop the porn and cheating mindset, fight to build your marriage. It’s something bigger than you both. If you do love her, than you should do something about that. Pride isn’t worth much here. When you put in effort, she puts in effort, you both reap the rewards. When she sees what you’ll do for her, she’ll want to do the same for you. Men have sacrificed for their God, country and family and that’s what makes us men.
     
    Gef 71 likes this.
  19. Hi. I remember your story and last time you were here under a different name you said you were about to go into rehab for weed addiction. Did you go ahead with that or what happened?

    Get clean from drugs and pmo so that you can think better. You might be back here again looking for advice for major regret if you leave your wife without talking to her properly.

    I think you need to be honest with your wife about how you are feeling. Lay it all out to her, she should know. Including your lack of attraction to her. Communication is key in relationships and I sense you are building up a lot of resentment towards her over things that could probably be easyly resolved if you just be honest with her.

    Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about your decisions. Just do what's right.

    Good luck and all the best.
     
    Gef 71 and cascadence27 like this.
  20. determinedtoquit

    determinedtoquit Fapstronaut

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    I know you've been roasted before. But I have to say it, too.

    You're a liar and a coward. Even if you never watch porn again, you'll still be those two things if you dont man up and face the music.
    You took vows with this woman. Own up to them.
     
    Mr. Diesel likes this.

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