Not Again

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by betrayed0113, Jul 4, 2019.

  1. betrayed0113

    betrayed0113 New Fapstronaut

    A little background on myself. I am 36 years old. I have a 13 year old daughter. Her biological father used to watch porn and then force me to have sex with him. This alone left me feeling unattractive, worthless and every other negative emotion imaginable. I eventually developed bulimia as a result of severe distorted body image linked directly to his actions and addiction. He has been gone from our lives for 10 years.

    Fast forward to 2017 when I met a wonderful man who was everything I wanted in a partner. He was kind and handsome, hardworking, treated myself and my child like we had always been in his life. In April of 2018 I looked on his phone and found dozens of pages of porn open in his browser tabs. He denied it even though it was right in front of him on the screen. I was finally able to get out of him that his dad, at a very young age, exposed him to this. I should mention at this point that his father beat him, burned him with cigarettes and tried to kill him and his mother multiple times. He was abused in many ways as a child. We talked about this in depth and he swore he was going to stop. He was 42 at the time. So this had been going on for years and years. In the 8 months following he seemed to do well, or it was the fact that I had not picked up his phone. We got engaged this past December and things had been good. He had even deleted his chrome app on his phone. He ended up having to download it again (I cant remember why I needed him to have it but it was at my request for him to download it) and a few days later I picked up his phone and there was a porn video open on it. We got into a fight and he swore at that time that when he downloaded chrome it had opened his old tabs. I'm not an idiot, I know that's not how it works. But I dropped it because I could not handle the fighting over it. I told him then that if I ever found it on his phone again I would be gone.

    Well guess what, he had to get a new cell phone. Brand new out of the box from the store. I had noticed when he got the new one that he was clinging to BOTH phones for dear life. About two days later he got in the shower and his old phone fell out of his pocket and landed under the bathroom vanity. I waited until he went to work and then took the phone. All of his history had been deleted or so he thought.

    Yesterday I turned the old phone on because he has been clinging to his new phone, laying it down face down, never letting it leave his hands etc. His old phone and new one have a linked Google account so I can see his history if he hasn't deleted it. More porn. I dont even know what to do or where to go. I love him. I understand he had issues as a child. He is now 43. The thought of him watching these perfect women and then coming to bed and being with me makes me want to vomit. It is triggering my PTSD from the previous relationship. He tells me he doesn't masturbate to it which I believe is a totally load of crap. He says that it is used as a form of a way to be abusive to women because that's what his father taught him. Which is alarming in itself. It took me 7 hours of battling with him yesterday, with the proof again right in front of him to admit to it, and that he's been doing it this whole time.

    Is there hope for him? Or should I very honestly just give up and move on with my life? This is not something I am willing to bend on. If he cant stop then I will leave.
  2. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Wow my heart goes out to you. From what you said it sounds like he is in denial about it and have compartmentalized it, but it is clearly an old deep seated issue as he himself admits.

    As we all know on this site, this is a serious matter. You don't just delete an app, because as much as peoples minds have been kind of outsourced to machines, even peoples sexuality and therefore influenced by the information accessed on the devices-- well that's just the thing, it's not supposed to be like that in the first place!

    I would say professional help is in order. This is not a judgement and I'm no expert, but simple measures like limiting access is only a very temporary fix, a bandage. To root out the issue is to do surgery vs. slapping a bandaid on it to stop the bleeding, and people needs to appreciate that.

    In my view, it all hinges on whether people have a change of heart. Behavior change is not enough, and a part of that has to involve really seeing how it is a truly damaging thing.

    The issue really has two layers. The deeper one we tend to be concerned with on this site is the sexually related one, but even non-sexual addiction to tech is not a good idea. I would say one needs to address both seriously, and just deleting apps, blocking content with software and the like is not even enough for the general tech addiction when you get down to it. And the challenge these days I think is while there are people who may do good counseling and appreciate the porn and sexuality issue, far less people appreciate the general tech addiction, which obviously enables the other addiction and is actually very damaging in itself - and the good counselors may have a fairly shallow appreciation of this. Frankly I don't think even some of the people who have researched and published books on it really get it that well. The fact that people may rely on blocking software and the like shows they are dependent on technology to "solve" the problem, never recognizing that outsourcing dynamic.

    Effectively, responsibility ends up being outsourced.

    There is hope, but hope is not enough. It sounds like he has kindness, but that is also not enough. This is an issue where we truly need to dig deep, but I will say it is possible.
  3. betrayed0113

    betrayed0113 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your reply. I also agree that just removing an app isn't enough. That's where he started though. I told him yesterday that I could not trust him with a phone at all. Every time he has it in his hands my mind immediately wants to know if he's watching porn. I told him yesterday also, that he needs to seek some sort of therapy. Problem is neither of us knows where to begin with that.

    He truly is a good man. I have seen it countless times. Stopping to help others on the side of the road, animals and babies flock to him for attention, he will drop anything he is doing to help someone in need. I have seen him give his last $20 to a homeless person more than once. These are also reasons why I am so blindsided by all of it. He asked me last night after the fighting had stopped to come cuddle with him. I refused and gave zero affection. No matter how much I wanted to, I'll be damned if I'm going to give in and just forgive him again and shove it under the rug. I did ask him why he had been denying it even with the proof right there and he said its embarrassing, which I do understand, but lying to me, and trying to make me believe I was crazy was crossing yet another line.
  4. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Well to begin on a practical note, maybe simply look at what is covered by insurance with your network and look up those around locally. I would say read up a little on the different kinds of therapy, so when investigating you at least have an orientation around terminology and know the lingo of what kind of therapy they do. The thing is, just talking about it with someone helps so at least you get started in that process.

    For you, maybe some kind of support group will help. I wish there was a PMO equivalent of al-anon but that will have to take some digging. You might also need more support than a peer-run group.

    This is SO traumatizing and damaging, and I think for some guys they don't really realize how there's collateral damage by what seem like small incidental things - and that is obviously a lot worse when it's in the context of an intimate relationship. They simply do not have the perspective at that point.

    And perspective is a help in itself. Some education is called for. I see you're new so perhaps books like Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson is not known about yet, but even something as simple as watching Thank You For Sharing (a movie about sex addiction) may be helpful. Please keep us posted.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    He can change, but he has to want to. He will need serious help with a therapist. Either a CSAT or a CMAT (certified sex addiction therapist/certified multiple addiction therapist) is what he will need. I would also highly suggest him finding a 12 step program such as SA/SAA or Celebrate Recovery (faith based) and a sponsor.

    Here are a couple of great threads to check out, as well, for resources and setting boundaries.

    I hope these help you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you again. I know for me, I would leave. I have stuck through it with my husband and his PA, but if something ever happens to him I will never, ever do it again with anyone else. I will not fight this fight a second time. That is just me.
  6. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    My PA was deeply abused and traumatized by his mother. I have seen the kind, gentle, helpful side of him many times. Always willing and able to help and assist anyone. That is truly the man of my dreams. A big happy smile that lights up the world. Funny, gregarious and sweet. It was a 17 year relationship. His porn addiction has been going on since he was 8 years old. He said he stopped when he met me...and then got back into it two years into our relationship. So it’s pretty deep.

    Add a history of severe child abuse, and isolation, a mother who beat him a father who was passive and you end up with a very angry, detached, fearful PA. My heart breaks for him...for he is worthy of love and there are many people who love him dearly. He however doesn’t feel he needs to change/grow evolve etc... He feels he is too broken, too messed up, can’t be fixed and quite honestly doesn’t want to spend his time doing so. He’s quite happy to just live an emotionally detached lifestyle.

    So my advise is to ask your PA...
    Do you want a relationship with me? If so this is what I need...
    Then tell him what you want and need in order for the relationship to go forward.
    And let the cards fall where they may...

    Sexual addiction isn’t always about sex and sometimes there are other issues at play. In reading your story I was reminded of my own...and in my case, there’s deep resentment towards women and an avoidant attachment style. Your PA has already mentioned watching porn that is abusing women, in his eyes like his father did...that to me is very distressing and threatening. If he enjoys that...there’s something that seriously needs to be addressed.

    You sound very empathetic and kind... watch his actions, listen to his words and be aware of everything around all times.
    EyesWideOpen likes this.

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

    Man: I am engaged in an activity that is abusive to women.

    Woman: He truly is a good man.
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    That’s because we see the good in the man...and in other people. Everyone has their faults..some are just more obvious than others. Some are incredibly hurtful. We all have our shadow side...empathetic people tend to see the good in all people..and cut a lot of slack. We are often times sucked dry by emotional vampires.
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  9. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Practical is good, good advice.

    As tough as this might be, I'd also try to focus on the shame (his shame) and the lying. The porn might take more time to fix, but the lying is a big part of the problem here (and that's typical)....and the lying sure looks attractive while his shame exists.

    And, honestly, this is a bit of a shortcut. If the lying doesn't stop even with your acceptance (IF you are willing to accept him the way he is now, for the moment), the chances of him dropping the porn are not good.
  10. betrayed0113

    betrayed0113 New Fapstronaut

    The porn he is watching is not specifically abusive to women. That's not what I meant. And it is hard for me to explain the way he explained it. Because he was raised by a father that abused his mother, his fathers porn watching was just another way to see a woman as only a means to abuse, or rather, humiliation of a woman. I do not claim to understand it, because there is no way I could. What I do know is that he's never been abusive to me in any way or any other creature or human being. He is only abusing himself mentally by reliving his messed up childhood through his addiction. Although me finding his addiction has been traumatic, I am trying to understand where it comes from and put my feelings on hold to help him, for now.
  11. betrayed0113

    betrayed0113 New Fapstronaut

    I ordered the book yesterday on Amazon and he has agreed to read it. Thank you very much for that.
    hope4healing and Awedouble like this.
  12. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    I think what he meant was that when guys watch P, they'll inevitably be hurting their SOs, because P is a form of cheating.

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