Not attracted to him anymore!

It's good to hear differing opinions on which is worse . . . porn addiction or physical cheating. We often like to declare things as black and white but real life experiences aren't so simple. Both are often hurtful. Both can be extremely devastating. Yet, there are times when a partner accepts one or the other, or both.

I have been physically cheated on several times. As a porn addict, I failed to see how my behaviour and my actions contributed to those outcomes. Yes, it was emotionally traumatising to be cheated on but, as a porn addict, guess how I coped? I just looked at more porn and masturbated. When I envisioned my girlfriend whith another man what did I see? Yup, you guessed it - scenes from pornography. And how did I feel? Aroused.
Furthermore, I had low self esteem. So, every time I got cheated on, instead of looking at my addiction, I fell into self-pity and saw it as a pattern. I convinced myself that it must be because I am an inferior male. Even worse, the intense arousal that I experienced from cuckold fantasies and convinced me that I must like it so much because it is my truth - my destiny.
Eventually, I couldn't imagine every being in a happy relationship without being cheated on! I craved it. I imagined that I would only really live if I could live that lifestyle.

Giving up porn has brought about a veritable onslaught of awareness. I recognise that my porn addiction played a HUGE role in driving their behaviour. Not to minimimize their infidelity, but I believe that what I did was far more damaging and hurtful. It was constant and insidious. In my mind I cheated on them with hundreds of women while they responded with a much more natural and human drive by being sexually intimate with a real human being.

In my case at least, I think I deserved all that and more. I imagined myself as this great boyfriend and presented myself as such (thought I was thoughtlessly and heartlessly open about my enthusiasm for porn and masturbation) and probably broke their hearts as they found themselves in a relationship with a man who was disconnected, in his head all the time, distracted by porn and other women and unable to perform properly in bed.

I'm still far from perfect but grateful that I can at least see that porn and masturbation are a real problem for me and must be avoided at all costs.