Not doing well with this new vision of my husband...

jbird, has your husband sought help or acknowledged his addiction? As his partner, you are entitled to that much. Similar to alcohol, gambling, and drugs, porn addiction is toxic to relationships and lives.

If your husband understands that he has a serious problem and is struggling to clean it up, you may have to figure out some boundaries around it. As violated as you feel, punishing him may not help.

If your husband feels that he is entitled to engage in this behavior, or that he has any other option than accountability and recovery, confrontation or ultimatum is probably in order.

In either case, a counselor experienced with these issues may be a good idea for you, or both of you.

Many of us in this forum have not made full disclosures to our wives as to the scope of our struggle with porn, including myself. There may be shame and fear, but there is also a desire to preserve some boundaries. I broke it, I fix it. For many of us on the road to recovery, failure is not an option, and we are making progress in cleaning up this part of our lives.

May you have strength, and learn that you are not alone. May he learn that he is not alone and do everything it takes to regain your trust. Best to you.

 

jbird,

Most of us who have made some progress with this addiction have had to educate ourselves about the way our brain's dopamine cycle interacts with porn and sexual triggers. With the Internet, TV, movies, advertising, and the trillions spent to grab our sexual attention, men are saturated, overwhelmed, and can lose their bearings as to what is appropriate and how our choices affect others. It is easy to fool ourselves that we are in control our consumption of erotic fantasy and imagery.

I am trying to say that it may be difficult for him to grasp the depth of your sense of betrayal, or how damaging his behavior is to your relationship, and to himself. This is an accelerating problem for our whole society. You do not understand him and he cannot hear you. Anyway you look at it, you have a long road ahead. My heart goes out to you. Even if he won't, you should consider an experienced counselor.

Best to you.

 

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear your story and how you had to find out. To see your good life ruined must be devastating. And even more so because your husband denies any addiction or the need to get help.

So you've really trudged through this since September 2013 with no change whatsoever? How did you last this long?

I agree with rk2 that you need counseling. And your husband does too, he just doesn't know it yet.

BUT, and please forgive me for being candid, I think you've sent the wrong signals to your husband. I'm married (8 years), and I'm a porn addict, so I guess I know a little what I'm talking about. You're probably aware of the fact that many times, there's a difference between what you say (sender) and what the other person understands (receiver). Sometimes, the message seems to change in mid-air.

Let me grab a few of your statements and translate them to an addict's mind. So, if I were your husband, here's what I would understand:

Phew, nothing is happening. I can go on with this.

Lucky me - no consequences. I can go on with this.

Recovery is a veeery long process. I can go on with this.

It's not that big of a deal. I can go on with this.

Do you see where I'm getting at? In your efforts to help him and return to a normal state of marriage, you are making it too easy for him. He has nothing to fear.

I'm not advocating that you leave him right now. And I don't want to push you into doing anything. I just want to make you aware of two things. If this is a full-blown addiction,

1) you can't make him change. You can plead, cry, put pressure on him, go stubborn, refuse sex, punish him, whatever, but until he decides that he needs to change, nothing will happen.

2) as long as he can live in both worlds, he will. Most addicts have this wake-up call when their life is falling apart and they're facing the dire consequences of their behavior. But some don't. It is possible that if you set him an ultimatum and give him three weeks time to decide what it's going to be, you or porn, he might choose porn.

Since you cannot suffer endlessly, I strongly recommend changing your mindset from "how can I change him" to "how can I save myself from damage". Since you cannot make decisions for him (technically, you could, of course, like cutting off the internet or getting a porn blocker or something, but it would'nt help, only make things worse), start making decisions for yourself. Whether it's sleeping in separate bedrooms, going to a different church, getting counseling - you will need to find out for yourself. He'll find out soon enough that something's going on.

I wish you lots of strength. And a silver lining on the horizon.

 

This is what you need to change first. Is there any friend you can confide in? I mean, who cares about the outwardly perfect couple when it's simply not true right now?

 

No. Stop defending him. You're more worried about damaging your husband's image than about opening up to a good friend and letting someone else help carry the burden? Your husband's image will be far more damaged when you break down/move out/make a scene/divorce him because you can't take it anymore.

You need to move beyond the "but what will it look like" stage.

I can only repeat myself. Please find someone to confide in. If not a good friend (that's what friends are for), then a professional counselor or a pastor.

 

jbird, reading your story was heart breaking and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Know that this community is behind you, and recovery for your husband is possible if he is willing to change. Thousands of people have done it and many more of us are well on our way. Reading stories like yours help me to realize just how destructive these habits can be. Thank you for your bravery in speaking out. Hang in there and don't give up hope.

 

Hey jbird, I can feel your pain and knowing what you are going through. You DO need a support group and I'm not sure you can find it here. My wife is very active and found a lot of help on another site where there is a section just for partners of addicts. Check out www.pornaddictioninfo.com. Without this site and the help she found from fellow women who were going through the same issues as her, as you, we would not be together anymore.

He needs help and the first step for him is to admit that he has a problem. You might have to force him on this and it won't be easy. The Patrick Carnes's books helped me see things clearly. Decide on your boundaries, let him know what they are, let him know the consequences if he crosses them and be prepared to follow through with them above all. This is your life, too. You have to let him know what you won't accept.

Be strong. Don't obsess. Do things for yourself and find some help.

 

perhaps show him this TED talk....only about 15minutes

http://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU

 

Hi I am not really sure if my advice will mean much to you (I am a 17 year old who is not married and never been in a serious relationship) but I have been reading and following along with the story and the advice others have given.

First and foremost I want to say I feel deeply sorry for you I will keep you, your husband and your children all in my prayers.

My advice is I think you need to sit your husband down and have a serious talk about where you are both are standing on this issue. It seems like you both are on different pages and you both need to get on the same page. Tell him what you feel, how you NEED him to change and how if he is willing to change you will be there for him in every way. I would do some more research about this topic and direct him to this forum to have a read, maybe even ask him to go PMO free for a month and see how it goes. You need to ask him to open up to you about his past and why he looks at his ex girlfriends photos and also if he has anything else he would like to tell you about the issue. Basically you are in no rush to do anything irrational so take things cautiously. I know from experience that getting angry and disappointed isn't going to change anything and the best thing to do is to be proactive. If he doesn't want to change I would seek council from someone you trust whether that be a friend, a family member or a professional councillor it doesn't matter, as soon as I told someone about my addiction I felt an instant weight off my shoulders and it did wonders for my mental health. I would also do anything you can to help yourself at a time like this as it must be very hard on you being a mother. Remember we can all on this forum relate to what your husband is going through but most guys in the world do, do PMO without knowing its dangers so he probably feels he isn't doing anything wrong, if you can change this mindset you will be in with a chance he will change.

I hope this helped and as always

Stay Strong - iwillstop

 

I am new here and I know exactly how you are feeling! One thing I have done for myself is look into my own codependency issues. You are married to an addict and that takes a special type of person. When I started working on myself things started to change. I stopped putting up with his crap and gave him an ultimatum. Get help or I walk. I agree with the other posters that their needs to be consequences and that means you need to put yourself and your children first. I don't mean to be harsh but obviously him looking at porn really didn't matter that much to you so it's time to get real. How much are you going to put up with and what example does this set for your kids?

I would absolutely tell anyone and everyone if that is what it took to wake him up. Like a codependent does, you are covering for him and stewing in your own anger. It will kill you.

 

jbird I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. I'm in a similar situation except on the 'porn addict' side. I don't have an answer for the problem. I'm trying to change and I don't even know if I can but I'm trying my damndest for the sake of my wife and my children.

You and your husband have been married a long time and been through a lot together with three children! I wish you all the best in getting past this.