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Not finding partner attractive?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by JamesD, May 30, 2017.

  1. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

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    I find this a really difficult post to make, so please bear with me.

    I have had a long term porn addiction. Also, I often catch myself ogling women in public (ie I find them attractive at a physical level).

    I often find that I am unable to connect emotionally or intellectually with my partner. I can feel connection with some other people though. Often I don't find my partner physically attractive, despite being able to look at her and rationally see she is.

    I am uncertain how much of our problems with attraction and connection are caused by pornography addiction and how much is it not being the right fit? Perhaps, in part, my porn addiction is exacerbated by not being able to have an emotional and intellectual connection with my partner? I crave that. And how much is the counter?

    I realise I am asking a question that no one here can know the answer to with certainty, but I wanted to get it off my chest and also to see if anyone can shed some light on it or suggest another angle?
     
  2. donjonquixote

    donjonquixote Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to that. Maybe, if in doubt, wait some time to detox from PMO (like 60 days) and then realise whether everything s fine, some work has to done at a couple level, or simply it's not a good fit.

    Let us know how it goes. Best!
     
    JamesD and LivinginRecovery like this.
  3. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I think you are right. I owe it to myself (and probably more importantly her) to get clean of PMO before making any decisions.
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I suspect it's more that your porn addiction is preventing you from being able to connect to real women on any level not that your porn addiction is aggravated by your inability to connect with women. Using porn makes you see women as sexual objects solely for your pleasure. Real women have wants and needs of their own. They get upset, they expect you to do certain things. And even the hottest woman on earth can't compete with pmo.
     
    Jennica, lemonlimeorange, Bel and 2 others like this.
  5. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    Hi @JamesD. Although I have just entered a glorious flat-line where nothing currently turns me on, in just over the 3 weeks since I last PMO'd I have noticed things which are frankly incredible. Before, the only people who could turn me on and get my head to turn were the frankly unrealistically beautiful plasticky Playboy types who had perfect bodies and who were 10/10 in terms of looks. Now those types do nothing for me. They look fake. Meanwhile I have been finding myself drawn to so many different types of people I probably wouldn't have given the time of day to before. I can't say whether PMO has done this to you however IMO it couldn't hurt to lay off it for a while and see if you notices differences in your perception too. Nothing to lose right? Plus your energy levels will undoubtedly increase which is no bad thing.
     
    Hopefulgirl, GG2002 and JamesD like this.
  6. Tesslynne

    Tesslynne Guest

    Have a reboot of 90 days first and then if you still feel this way you may possibly need to break up with her so SHE can find someon who DOES find her attractive. She deserves no less. Nor do you. But reboot first. Cos from what I have read, some men who had that issue found it changed after NoFap.
    If it's a weight issue, find ways to exercise together, perhaps?
     
  7. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Think yourself very fortunate to have a partner.

    I wish I had a partner.
     
  8. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

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    It's worth reminding myself of this. And she is objectively beautiful too (as well as cleaver and a nice person).

    Hoping you find the right person soon.
     
    Star Lord and LivinginRecovery like this.
  9. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    I don't think that's going to be an issue for you for too much longer to be honest :cool:
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  10. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    True attractiveness does not come as a response to the body. It is in response to intimacy. When you are deeply connected to your mate, s/he is attractive to you. And that is the only attraction that matters for a lifetime together.

    So you're looking for a sense of attraction in the wrong place. I have very recent experience with this phenomenon, and I have been astonished at how attracted I am to my mate. It's a completely different kind of feeling. It's not physical exactly, although I want him physically. It is an exciting, direct connection that is expressed in our bodies.

    It's a mystery, but I find it true.
     
  11. JamesD

    JamesD Fapstronaut

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    In the past I have noticed nearly the same effect, and I liked it. Usually after a week or two of little or no P, I just start to notice things I hadn't before. It brings out my 'natural' interests, rather than dwelling in this self-tortured fantasy world.
     
    LivinginRecovery and Star Lord like this.
  12. LivinginRecovery

    LivinginRecovery Fapstronaut

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    Yep. It can't hurt to give your body and mind a well needed rest and reboot back to your default settings. Too much stock is put on what people look like and their aesthetic appeal as @Bearish has alluded to but on true attraction which comes from a much deeper and dare I say it, more humane place. I wish you well on your journey into recovery @JamesD.
     
    Bel, JamesD and Star Lord like this.
  13. Tesslynne

    Tesslynne Guest

    THANK YOU!!

    Over 4 years of not having a relationship here. I've had dates I'd had different things but no boyfriend to take me out on dates & to spend time getting to know me even when just chilling out staying in. So Thank your lucky stars!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2017
  14. MindfulAchilles

    MindfulAchilles Fapstronaut

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    A partner, especially one that truly loves you and wants you out of this mess is a huge benefit. I've had times of not feeling particularly attracted to her physically as I started my recovery, but it was in those intimate moments together (watching a movie, eating a meal, laughing, walking, hiking, watching a sunset) that I saw my attraction to her not needing to be physical. I was loving her and her personality.

    I love her with all my heart, and I know in my mind that she's attractive. There's flashes of beauty all around, but I can't be intimate with anyone else but her. I believe that this is what you guys need to work on.

    As others said, consider yourself blessed.

    Achilles.
     
    Bearish likes this.
  15. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Man I'd get 90 days PMO free under your belt first. Then when that happens you'll be in a way better position to gauge how attracted and connected to your wife/girlfriend that you really are. Porn changes your brain and how you connect with people. Its like an invisible barrier. Your job is to get rid of that barrier. Trust me you'll see the world and people in it differently once you have allowed your brain to reset itself.
     
  16. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm I know it would seem like the grass is greener and having a partner would be wonderful. But Honestly your happiness now is pretty much the same as it is with a partner. Maybe at the start you'll get a boost but it settles back down to where you were before. Thats why its very true to say another person cannot make you happy and that you need to be happy alone before you even enter a relationship with another person.
     
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  17. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    I've been insecure and self conscious during my teen years and heavily addicted to pmo throughout in my later teen to young adult years.
    Now I'm neither of those, at least no where near as bad as before. I still have a small bit of self doubt, but I realised how many opportunities I've missed to find a partner, especially since rebooting from pmo. I want a soul mate so badly now.
     
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  18. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Theres so many opportunities now though, in the present moment. If you allow regrets from the past to consume you then you'll miss all the chances life is giving you in this moment right now. But dont put the responsibility for your happiness on another person, thats way too much for any one person to handle. If youre that intense about being with someone then this will repel every woman that comes within a mile of you. Find your happiness now, by yourself and I guarantee a girl will come enter your life as if by magic, without you even trying.
     
    stygian and LivinginRecovery like this.
  19. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    I see what your saying, I don't assume that my happiness would be attained if I had a partner though, I just want to share moments with them and have them as a friend who would be by my side as I would be by theirs. Because I'm lonely and I've experienced many things as a single person, sure it's nice but I want to share the enjoyment and be able to think back to memories that were really nice not just for myself but for whoever may be my partner.
     
    LivinginRecovery likes this.
  20. 2tochuntra

    2tochuntra Fapstronaut

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    If I understand it correctly, that is demisexuality. It is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond.
     
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