Not getting a girlfriend is making me unbalanced.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by justdoit64, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. justdoit64

    justdoit64 Fapstronaut

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    This post will be about getting a relationship and I'm not sure it makes sense but I had to post it and perhaps someone can relate.

    Sometimes my progress is killing me emotionally.

    My friends are ALL in relationships and my amount of success has only resulted in my family asking me whenever im gay (Im not).

    Here I am 'happy' when I have the opportunity to talk to a cute clerk while my friends are all in loving relationships having sex every day...

    Honestly, a kiss would probably make my month and they have it everyday as nothing special. What im getting at is not jealousy it's the ridiculous depth of my achievement and how I need to aim further, way further.

    Im at a point now where I have worked on myself A LOT, I have more potential now than ever before.

    My friends tell me I'm intelligent, knowledgeable, socially experienced, confident (I like myself), independent and funny (despite being an introvert). I have also learnt pua to an intermediate level and I sometimes get compliments on my physique by other dudes lol. Yet I have nothing to show for it.

    My friends tell me I can get a girlfriend if I try more, I just don't know what's holding me back from trying (or why I always have to do everything myself, they were all approached by their girlfriends initially and they are cute girls!)

    Everytime (everyday) I think of where I'm at and my heart aches so much I feel incapacitated, literally crippled, I have to stop what I'm doing or distract the thought away because it just stresses me out and matters to me so much, like wtf pathetic. I can't move on until I've had success, I need intimacy for balance in my life. I appear calm, this is just my emotions.

    I need to use my gained potential but I don't feel a desire to act because I never really get any validation from women as in them approaching me, compliments or even checking me out. Mostly my energy is low because I feel hopeless, but I can put on a social mask and dig deep for some energy until I get home mostly. First 30 days of nofap has given me a big boost but now I'm suddenly feeling somewhat drained of energy again.

    How do I fix this guys? I refuse to accept a victim mentality, it will get me nowhere. How do I get enough energy and optimism or desire to act? I am ready and capable and don't fear rejection but something is holding me back. I want to write a post in success stories for you guys, for once.

    Thanks for the read, any reply is appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2019
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  2. superninjared

    superninjared Fapstronaut

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    Could be because you are putting too much pressure on yourself to succeed and when you are talking to girls they can sense it that you are trying too hard. Also PUA is a bit too scripted no offence it is better to just be yourself and natural in my opinion. You could try mixing things up by doing online dating as well as approaches seeing as how you have the looks and confidence.
     
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  3. Bragi

    Bragi Fapstronaut

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    Chill. I guess you just are different from your friends. Work on yourself and naturally find someone you will love and who will love you back. Rushing sucks ass, so does the relationship in hurry. What's the purpose? You're only 26. My mom met my dad when she was 40. He was 48. Not that they really love each other, but they are together for like 23 years now.
    Once again - chill and do what you REALLY HAVE TO do, not just rush into some toxic relations. Peace.
     
  4. justdoit64

    justdoit64 Fapstronaut

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    Probably true, I don't think I try nearly hard enough but if I did they probably would notice. I don't really see how I can avoid that without first meeting lots of people and creating abundance though. The thing about PUA is there's a lot of scripted stuff but it's only the mindset I'm interested in, it's made me understand women better and why some behaviours such as neediness is unattractive. I'm not actually convinced over my attractiveness, I mean my male friends says I'll do ok but women haven proven this to me with action or words.
     
  5. dankestmemes

    dankestmemes Fapstronaut

    I like this answer. Work on yourself. I've posted this before: Men are good at fighting and fucking. Sometimes in that order. Build your body and over the next few months the changes will make you confident in yourself, which will be unconsciously picked up by women. Women gravitate towards strength. They want to be someone who will be able to protect them and who will pass on good genes. Men will follow someone who is strong and decisive. No more "maybe" or "I think" or "I believe" or "In my opinion". Be decisive.

    Uptalk makes you look weak too. I don't know who has that habit here, but it's bad. I'm in law enforcement and uptalk would literally put us in dangerous situations.
     
  6. justdoit64

    justdoit64 Fapstronaut

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    I mean sure, you're right but my physique is already pretty good as I said, I'm definitely fit, more than most of my friends. My problem is action and energy and hope.
     
  7. cleanliving81

    cleanliving81 Fapstronaut

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    The worst thing you can do is to settle for the first girl that says yes when you ask them out , dating is tough and having a girlfriend who isnt right for you and your not right for her can MAKE YOU IMBALANCED . Start looking for the postive traits you want in a girlfriend and dont settle for less
     
  8. dankestmemes

    dankestmemes Fapstronaut

    Very much this. It's okay to be picky, especially as we get older and accumulate more wealth and "move up" in life. Make sure you and your girlfriend have similar levels of materialism. If you're not materialistic but your girlfriend always needs a new Gucci choker, diamond encrusted teeth, and 20-inch Air Jordan rims, she's not for you.
     
  9. King Dadledingo

    King Dadledingo Fapstronaut

    I was once told that motivation is fleeting, but will power is eternal. I'm sure you've been building Will Power during your time on NoFap, and this can be a good time to put that to use. Try talking to a new girl, seeing what a girl you already know thinks about possibly dating and consider online dating. I think the reason you might feel unmotivated is because you feel hopeless and lost in your current situation. Just like NoFap, doing something, anything can start leading you down the right road. Start interacting with girls and trying to flirt. You might find that motivation start to build once you've invested some time into it. Stay strong soldier, and best of luck.
     
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  10. TrueSaiyan

    TrueSaiyan Fapstronaut

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    I'm going threw the same troubles right now, although I'm questioning being bi sexual but only liking ladyboys and not actual men. Everyone tells me the same things, but I feel this woman will never come unless I move out of my parents house. But my brother has a girlfriend and she comes over from time to time. You know it all of my friends are happily getting married now. Not caring to much about contacting me anymore or bothering to call. It's almost like they leave you behind.

    I can suggest to maybe try subliminal's. They are subbed messages that play threw music tracks and go into your subconscious mind while listening. I have listened to them from the past and they definitely do work. It just takes about a month for it to sync in.
     
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  11. dankestmemes

    dankestmemes Fapstronaut

    That feeling of friends leaving you behind will fade when you "catch up" but for now, stop comparing yourself to them. It doesn't help you, them, or anyone else. I'm "ahead" of my friends in a lot of things and "behind" in others. As we get older, we'll inevitably have less and less time to talk. That's to be expected. No need to get so attached. That's one thing Buddha got right about "suffering," too many attachments to things that are ephemeral and temporary. Don't move out of your parents' house unless you can really afford it. Otherwise you'll just feel like shit if you move back. That happened to a buddy of mine. He was doing great in life, moved out, etc. Then realized it was so expensive so he moved back. It was devastating for him because me and our other buddies moved out. Save money, keep your head down and do your job well, you'll get a place eventually.
    If you like ladyboys, I recommend Thailand. It's more touristy now but there are still some wacky places. Vietnam and Cambodia are the new Thailand.
     
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  12. browneyedguy

    browneyedguy Fapstronaut

    Not just picky in terms of materialism but also core values. We all should have attributes that are essentially nonnegotiable in a partner. So don’t let it drive you crazy you don’t have a girlfriend because it’s more important to try to get it right than just first available.
     
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  13. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

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    First you gotta completely unplug from the Matrix. Read Rollo Tomassi's " The Rational Male". I wish I had read this when I was in my 20's.
     
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  14. justdoit64

    justdoit64 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks dude, that does resonate with me. The key is probably that I need to get the ball rolling, because I am ready otherwise.
     
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  15. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    That seems to be the way many men are trapping themselves into relationships these days; purchasing all the stuff their girlfriend wants, doing whatever she wants and never learn to stand up for themselves since that might mean they lose her. This is the way men who are too needy, desperate and insecure do instead of pursuing other (and more productive) paths that are not reliant or dependent on that "special one" for personal growth, happiness and fulfillment.
    I know so many men who have settled for mediocrity in their 20's, simply because they lacked the self-control, patience, perseverance and effort needed to build up a great life first that doesn't require a woman in it in order to be awesome.
    They literally see a girlfriend as a cake in itself and not the icing on the cake and hence enslave themselves for decades to come.
     
  16. In addition to viewing the woman AS the cake, many men do not realize that women often test men to see just HOW much is possible.

    I know a man who bought his wife her "dream house." Now that house turns out to be too big, expensive, etc.

    His wife turns around "how could you let me buy that house???."

    Him: "You wanted it so badly."

    Her: "But where were you to stop me!"

    etc.

    Even a married man of 30+ years has ZERO understanding that a great deal of his wife's "need" comes from testing him, not insatiable material lust.
     
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  17. cleanliving81

    cleanliving81 Fapstronaut

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    SO TRUE, WELL DONE
     
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  18. justdoit64

    justdoit64 Fapstronaut

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    I agree. That too is bothersome though. My values and virtues seem to disqualify most women I meet and these are morals and values I hold myself to as well. I struggle to find any woman who is interested in me, probably because I don't really try or put myself out there. To then look for a specific type of woman and to do well with her, omg the logistics alone is a nightmare.
     
  19. King Dadledingo

    King Dadledingo Fapstronaut

    Exactly, man just get the ball rolling and see what happens. The worst thing you can do if you're upset by inaction is to keep not taking action.
     
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  20. OnTheEdge

    OnTheEdge Fapstronaut

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    Can't agree more. Also agree with anyone who says work on yourself before being serious about a relationship. Not trying to tell people what to do but this is just my experience.

    I started nofap back in February time. I started dating for the first time in my life around May time (I'm 33) and met someone I feel like I'm in love with. I knew it probably wasn't a very good idea when I first spoke to her because she was honest about her issues (said things like "I'm really difficult to live with and it is dangerous to fall in love with me") but I kept going regardless, figuring she would suit me and I'd be able to handle anything she threw at me. I figured it was worth it just to have a relationship. I felt like after reading up on the mind and learning about how negative emotions work, I was prepared for it.

    I have tried my hardest to make it work and to avoid losing control of my emotions. Unfortunately, she is incredibly jealous I can't go out with her because she thinks I'm always looking at other women and deals with this by refusing to look at or talk to me. If we're in bed and she's angry about something, she refuses to even make contact with me so if she moves and accidentally touches me, she pulls away. This makes me feel like I'm evil and is incredibly difficult to deal with. She is also constantly uncertain about our future. I feel like at the moment I am worse off in this relationship than I was without it. I have mostly reduced time spend doing all the things I have done to improve myself to spend time talking to her and being with her (meditation, reading, drawing). I have gone weeks at a time without using porn but If I go through a bad patch with her, I use it again because if she doesn't want to have sex I need something to take the 'edge' off it.

    The other way of looking at it is at least I am learning from the experience. I think you have to go through these things to come out of the other side better prepared. Relationships test your weaknesses to the limit and if you have low self esteem or value other people's approval too much, you could be in for a tough time.

    Anyway, I would say that if you feel like looking for a relationship during nofap is something you need, go for it. Hopefully it'll make you stronger in the long run.
     
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