Not resisting the process.

[elevate]

When I first started trying to improve myself, especially with socializing, I came from a very resistant place. I came from a place of anger, frustration, shame, and trying to prove myself. I was very outcome focused. Whenever I made a mistake, failed, or got rejected I was very hard on myself. I would dwell on every negative experience.

I wanted to be amazing and have everything I wanted right away. I was seeking completion so things could be easy and certain (much like indulging in PMO). Everything I did was coming from a place of lack. Not enjoying the moment. Disatisfied with the past and longing for the future. The present moment was lacking. This led to neediness and being outcome focused. Which led to being overly cautious / excessively careful / perfectionism / procrastination / escapism.

All this led to coping from reality, protecting myself from pain / problems / negative experiences, and making things a lot harder than it needed to be.

I had flawed ideas of how things are supposed to be (perfect / smooth / easy) and resisting how things really are (imperfect / uncertain / hard work). So every time I made a mistake / got rejected / failed I would dwell on it and stop the process that needs to happen. Failure / mistakes / rejection is part of the process of trying to gain competence and confidence at something. That's why it takes courage at first. To challenge and grow in something that has no guarantees.

Imagine you're a baby that's learning how to walk for the first time. What if after every fall you would dwell on the mistake, be really harsh on yourself, and try to escape from reality. It would take you forever to learn how to walk because it takes a lot of falls to be able to do it. You don't think "I should be able to do this competently right away and everything works out right away". You just keep going through the process of failure and mistakes until you get better.

Same thing with socializing. It can get awkward, unideal, messy, uncertain, and non smooth, but if you escape / procrastinate every time things don't work out because you have a perfectionist image of how things are supposed to be, then you'll never get good at it. You would try to be too careful / perfect / smooth. That leads to procrastination because you become paralyzed from trying to make sure there's no imperfection. Looking for the perfect moment / circumstances / method / guarantee before acting. Thus you halt the necessary process of mistakes and failure that leads to actual growth.

Allowing yourself to make mistakes and fail is key to growth. Rather than mistake - stop to dwell on it - mistake - stop and escape towards something more easy and certain (porn). When it should be more like mistake - mistake - mistake - failure - rejection - failure - rejection - mistake - mistake - failure - some success - mistake - mistake - getting better - failure - rejection - rejection - success - mistake - mistake - success - success - rejection - failure - success - success - success - success - mistake.

It's not about being perfect. It's about being perfectly fine with your imperfection. People connect more with imperfection and being real. These days I say and do awkward, non smooth, and imperfect things all the time, but I don't stop to dwell on it, I just keep going and other people support me when I fuck up and I help them out when they fuck up in an interaction.

The more you attempt, the more you'll fail, but also the more you'll succeed.

The less you attempt (dwelling on each mistake / failure / rejection), the less you'll fail, but also the less you'll succeed.

I say and do some dumb shit sometimes, but because it doesn't bother me nor do I make a big deal about it anymore the other person doesn't care either.

So give yourself permission to be non smooth. Taking action that leads to mistakes, failure, and rejection is the way to gain competence and confidence.

 

[asbgca]

Nice post. Reminded me of something I learned about Kobe Bryant recently. He's #3 right now on the all-time list of total number of points scored in the NBA. He's got more than 33,500 points. No surprise there, he's one of the greats. But here's the kicker: he's also #1 on the all-time list of MISSED SHOTS in the NBA. He's missed almost 14,500 shots. And if you look at the charts, all the other top scorers in the NBA are also near the top of the missed shots list: Karl Malone, Karim Abdul-Jabbar, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain. These guys score a lot because they TRY A LOT and FAIL A LOT. It's just a part of the game. They aren't afraid to try and fail because they know it's the only way to succeed. All the mistakes are going to be worth it when they finally get it right.

The only way to succeed is to keep trying and keep failing until you get there. In the end no one remembers or cares about the mistakes that you've made. But people will remember your success.

https://www.statista.com/statistics/271305/all-time-nba-scoring-leaders/
https://www.basketball-reference.com/leaders/fgx_career.html

 

[elevate]

Progress always requires risk. Risk requires letting go of your current identity that you're familiar and comfortable with. Attempting to reach beyond your current place is basically killing your current identity and growing into someone new. That growth requires tension and uncertainty. Most people generally try to avoid those things. Comfort and certainty is a lot more instantly gratifying.

Like @asbgca is saying... success is where you want to go, but failure is how you get there. So aim to fail bigger and faster without loss of enthusiasm. The enthusiasm part is important. There's lot of people out there that hustle hard, but all they care about is the destination. So they become miserable throughout the whole process. Like those people who achieve their dreams and end up committing suicide.

If you place more importance on the outcome, then you won't last long enough to see real results or you'll hustle hard and the moment will always be lacking. If you place more importance on enjoying the process and the person you want to become, then you'll have good enough reasons to push through the difficult, scary, and uncertain path to get to where you want to be. So make sure you like climbing rather than just wanting the end result of the top of the mountain. Make sure it's a pain you want to sustain / problem you want to solve rather than just fantasizing about the rewards. The rewards are just a consequence of the person that you've become because of the process. They're just bonus.

Mistakes / failure / rejection are feedback for you to learn from. Rather than depending your self worth on each outcome.