Not sure I can handle this

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blue is everywhere, May 11, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Hello to all of you, courageous partners of porn addicts like myself...
    My boyfriend is still on reboot, it almost been 30 days now and that's the longest he ever made it clean so far, so I guess he's doing things right this time.
    But here's the thing: I know, it's stupid and bad of me, but sometimes I read his journal, where he's writing daily about his porn struggle. And what I read in there destroys me, makes me angry and disguts me. I Know i shouldnt read it so it's Kind of my fault but still. To know he's from fantisising about precise porn stars, about hard scenes and all that... I just don't know I can handle it. It feels like I'm not the one turning him on, but they are. And I just can't stand this idea.
     
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  2. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand. Mine had to keep his eyes open and no porn moves in bed, so I felt safe. It was my husband though.
     
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  3. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hello @blue is everywhere, Thank you for being so vulnerable.

    You wrote:
    Here's what the therapists said in my Betrayal Trauma Training: "Some would call that 'checking behavior' and many would call it wrong. But we call it 'truth checking', and as long as it doesn't become an obsession, it's a way to trust but verify."

    But I always tell my betrayed female clients that they need to be careful about how much detail they ask for. Not that they're wrong, but it can become super-painful for them to know so much about what goes through their guy's mind.


    What I Did
    Like, my husband once opened up about the porn stars he really liked, and I debated for a week to know if I should look them up to see what they looked like. I ended up doing so. Some of them broke my heart because they were so innocent looking. One of them angered me because I know I will NEVER look like that. One of them gave me peace because I found out information on her that was a real turn off for him.


    It's About Him
    But overall what I tell my clients is this: "It's NOT that you're deficient! You would have to be a shape-shifter in order to satisfy that side of him. It's NOT about you falling short somehow. He's just a little too visually wired."


    Something Else
    My Higher Power showed me something else along these lines too... Those women are the first on my husband's list of people to use (at least that side of him would. He's actually coming up on his 10th year of sobriety.) That side of him would use them, and me, and God if he ever went back to it.


    I now that doesn't solve the issue of what he's thinking in bed, but knowing those things usually helps the ladies I work with. Kind of puts it into a different perspective.

    Hope that helps,
    Lori
     
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  4. dailystruggle

    dailystruggle New Fapstronaut

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    I feel destroyed too. Every day of the past 3 years my partner and I have been together and I found out about his PA I have to crowd my mind with as many things as I can to not focus on the fact that what he does utterly disgusts me. Every day I feel like leaving but don't because I know he is in pain and unable to deal with it. I know the addiction isn't a reflection on me but it doesn't help me at all knowing that. I just feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I am weak and it is some how my fault for not being able to be confident enough to shrug it off and focus on the positives. I have uncovered so much information about what he looks at, buys etc - it is so painful but has become almost an addiction of my own to keep checking.
     
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  5. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry to read about your story. This all sounds like me... I wish I could help and say helpful things but I'm as lost as you...
    Keep your head up. You are not alone and you are understood. You have every right to feel the way you do.
     
  6. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    It happened again yesterday after 38 days clean.
    I just left his place and he did it not even an hour after I left. But he told me the truth. Now he promised it won't ever happen again. I didn't force him to promise anything, he did himself. And I know how much promises mean to him, so...
    I don't know what to say/do/think anymore..
     
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Well promises mean nothing to an addict. I’m curious, did you have sex in the past 48 hours before his relapse? The chaser makes it very difficult for them so it helps if you have a plan, lol. Sounds ridiculous but I’ve found it to be true for my husband.
     
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  8. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Well, that is a huge promise, but I do think he takes promises seriously. Really. But let's see how this one goes..
    Yes we did have sex the night before. But he seems exhausted afterwards, so not sure abot chaser effect...!u
     
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It sounds exactly like the chaser. It usually hits my husband 12-24 hours after sex. Of course he takes his promises seriously, they almost all do. They absolutely mean it when they say it, but they are addicts. The frontal cortex has been damaged from porn use, they have less gray matter, so when the urge hits they have a very hard time resisting. They have essentially changed the way their brain works, they’ve damaged it.
     
  10. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Oh okay, maybe I should read a bit more about that then.

    Yeah, I know that. I imagine how hard it can be, I mean I see him struggling so hard, I can't deny it. But it isn't irreversible. It can actually be changed again, even if it is very, very hard. I still think he can do it. He is also young, so maybe it makes it a tiny bit easier.
    I'm just struggling myself, sometimes I don't know how to be in the best place for both of us. To do the right thing for and for him.
     
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I doubt if it will be easier for him because he is younger. Unlike the older men, your bf was viewing hardcore porn WHILE his brain was developing. Although there just aren’t enough studies or information, it stands to reason that this will have had a greater impact on his brain. So, older men have had the addiction longer ( like my husband) but they didn’t have access to porn and hsi like the 30 and under group. My husband was lucky to get his hands on a random playboy magazine while his brain was developing. Yes, they can heal their brains, but they will always have those neuropathways that formed from their addiction. They must be very committed to recovery and do the work to learn why the addiction and how to get into recovery. Do the right thing for YOU. Don’t worry about him, he knows what the right thing is for him. He knows that he hurts you. It’s up to him to decide if he’s going to keep his addiction and keep hurting you, or get the help he needs. Im sure he is trying very hard to quit. Most want to quit, my husband tried for 28 years. Until he realized it was an addiction and then got real help, he was unsuccessful. He was clean 4 years, relapsed, clean a year, relapsed, 17 years later he’s now clean a year and a half. I’m lucky that he never escalated to chat rooms or any real life interaction. The absolute best thing you can do for your boyfriend is put yourself first. Make strong boundaries and stick with them. You can’t love him out of addiction. If that worked, then thousands and thousands of men would not be addicted.
     
  12. healingin2020

    healingin2020 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply, I found it helpful. I'm new here and trying to learn what to do for myself and my bf who is supposed to be fiancé, but then the PM addiction came out. What did your husband do that qualified as "real help"?
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He started counseling with sex addiction specialist, started going to sa/saa, attends a weekly private group with a csat as leader and other men for accountability partners. He got emdr for his trauma, and biofeedback for his adhd. He went to his boss and told him and made him an accountability partner as well as put blockers on all work devices. He reads books, lots of books and does homework. He’s been faithful at all of these for a year and nine months. Has only missed one meeting ( he goes to 3 a week) in all that time.,he’s had 3 relapses in that time. He has support from our pastor and he told our kids. This addiction thrives in secrecy so him telling his boss, pastor, kids was a huge step in his recovery. As well as him being honest with me. I watch his action and behaviors, I never trust his words unless they match.
     
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