Not sure what to do about this girl

So on the 16th of September, I relapsed after 88 or 87 days of no PMO(I stopped counting so I don't know the exact number). I was feeling a little pressure from school as I had just started my Sophomore year of high school. I'm in more honors classes, which I'm intelligent enough to handle but the work load was just getting me worried about nothing so I succumbed to relapse. No porn, just me, my hand, penis, lotion, and ego.

Anyways, my new streak has been going pretty good; the past streak has definitely made me more confident. I've still got a lot of work but I'll get there. This morning I woke up for my cross country race(I run JV and that race was cancelled due to people passing out from heat. I wasn't pleased). The very first thing that came to my mind when I woke up was "I want to fuck the girl in my chemistry class." This came out of nowhere and kinda shocked me logically. I never really thought about her, but now I had really strong feelings about the matter. I feel this is morally wrong. I had not looked at girls objectively for the most part during my previous streak. Why now? I know it's terrible but I still entertain the thought. I don't even know her name and I was thinking about asking her to homecoming. I think I want to form a meaningful relationship,but would I be able to maintain a good relationship? I be never had a girlfriend; I'm not sure how that works. I feel like I'm too selfish to have a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I show others compassion and help them out, but I would not want to do everything with a girl every single day. I prefer to be alone but this is not true since I yearn for company yet when some people want to hang out, I avoid it. Plus, I'm too young to be having sex. And I know that's not how girls think. They can't just have sex just by looking at a man.

So I was at the race watching my team mates race. I walk back to the tent and see that the girl is there. I don't think she runs but is the manager of the girls team. I don't know since I didn't talk to her. I was feeling pretty sure of myself. I felt like I could go up with no issues and make small talk, like figure out her damn name. But I never did. I've had no previous expureneces with this girl but I guess if I never talk to her that will be true. I told my friend about this issue, and he was surprised. He said this wasn't like me to think like this and I agreed. He looked her up on instagram(I don't have it) and said" yeah she's popular." I'm not scared that she's popular at my school: more like the fact that my intentions are dirty. I don't really like the losers or the popular kids of the school. The losers while may have better individualistic traits, are awkward and have act obnoxiously. The popular kids are too preppy and seem fake. Granted, I don't know a lot of people from each group so I can't reliably state they are in fact the same. If this girl does want to date me, then will I have to associate with the preps? Maybe my friend was wrong.

Overall, I developed sexual feelings for a girl which has no solid virtuous grounding. I feel lonely in the fact that I can't place myself in a group(if it wasn't for cross country, I'm not sure who I would be sitting with at lunch). I don't think I feel rejection too much(maybe a little). I'm more afraid of the steps next. I beleive I would have an awkward relationship with this girl because I don't know what I'm doing and am not attracted to her for personality traits. She might have a great personality but I'm only attracted physcically right now. And if I did have a girlfriend, would I be alright? I know that girlfriends aren't supposed to complete you; rather just be a secondary thing that you enjoy. You are already complete but want to enjoy something with another complete person. I apologize I have rambled on long enough. This isn't my best writing; I just need get this out. I want a girlfriend not because every one else has one but I feel like I should and I'm lonely

 

I'm going to talk to her on Monday. If I don't talk to her, the answer will forever be no

 

My friend just confirmed that she has a boyfriend. I'm not really that disappointed about that. I more miffed that I lost the opportunity and incentive to talk to her though. I guess I'll move on. I'm too selfish for relationships anyway.

 

Pretty lame I can't drive yet. It's stupid. I'm way too young. I only wanted to have sex with her which is wrong. I hate orgasam. It would have been a waste of time anyways.