Not sure whether to stay or go

Hi. I just wanted to share my story of finding out my partner is a sex addict. It is a pretty intense one but I guess they all are! (FYI we have been togther almost 3 years and moved in together after 6 months, he is 33 and I am 31). Well, here it goes. I went to the country for the weekend and I came back to find my partner passed out just waking up from a porn and Molly binge. There was a pill on the table, lube and 5 porn tabs open on his computer. 3 of some lady with big tits, 1 transgendered person porn tab and lastly, a gay porn tab. I knew my partner sometimes watched porn but not gay or transgendered person porn. Our sex life was ok (1-2x a week), but I often felt I inititiated sex, although he never refused me. We had a good relationship though for the most part. Lots of laughing, joking around, very intimate and close. Anyways it came as a shock and the gay and transgendered person porn really bothered me since I never knew this was something he was into. Throughout the week, after questioning him, he slowly admitted more things to me. The main trigger was asking him to swear on his mother, who passed away. At first he lied and then started crying and revealed everything to me.
Basically, when he was heavily using the drug Molly for the past few years (and would use it when I worked my nightshift as a nurse on weekends). During his last relationship, after Molly binges, he would go on craigslist and seek out women and men on casual connections. It was mostly with men because he said women were often harder to get. They would watch porn together, jerk off and he would receive oral sex (he said he tried to give it once, but he didnt like it). He said he never kissed them or had sex with them. He basically said when he would get high on Molly usually after hours (he worked as a DJ) and his girlfriend wasnt around, he would occasionally do this online and meet up with these men because he just wanted anything sexual. While revealing this to me, he cried and cried and admitted he was fucked up and he did it to cope with his mothers death (Dad was a cocaine addict for 30+ years and mother died of alcoholism).
For me it was devastating. It was so much to deal with. He never told me any of this and it all came out during that week. I probabaly never felt so much grief in my life. He cried and cried and cried and begged me not to leave. His ex girlfriend never found out and he said he never physically cheated on me but did Molly behind my back and watched a lot of porn especially when he was high. He also sex chatted on sites like Omeagle. He said he always told himself he couldnt ever physically cheat on my despite wanting to sometimes when I was gone. He always told himself he couldt do that to me.
This all pretty much killed me and put a knife through my chest. We ended up going to my mom and he admitted everything to her and she really helped coach us (she also goes to 12 step meetings). He has also been a family friend since I was 10 years old so my mother knows him. She recommended Love and Sex addicts (for him) anonymous. We also were able to speak with his brother who is a life coach and he gave us some sessions. We also got a sex therapist who is really good and he found a free sexual therapy clinic at a good hospital close by. We both decided to quit alcohol and all drugs, since that was so closely related to him and his sex addiction. (I am not much of a drug taker but occasionally did it with him). We started going to weekly meditations and he has swore to me he has been porn free since it happened with was about 2 1/12 months ago. We also pray and do yoga together.
I still feel extremely confused. I am still grieving this. I started smoking cigarettes again after a year of not smoking and still feel that although I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and do want to be with him, this is really disturbing my peace and spirit. I have anxiety and get lossed in my thoughts every day. The grief has gotten easier but I am just not sure if how I can ever be with someone like him. Every time I talk about leaving, even though I really do not want to, he starts crying and says how much he loved me and sees a future for us. He has apologized countless times and is doing everything he can and is basically happy he got caught, admits he is a sex addict and an addict in general. Anyways I am just needing some support. Not sure what the how the hell I landed in this shit show, but hopefully things get better.
It is still new and I just dont know what the hell to do and I can only tell a few people in my life. The first few weeks were hell, but I have been feeling a bit beter (except when I pms, things take a dark turn) But how do I move on from this? I dont know if staying is worth it either! I want to have kids too, so I feel like I dont have time to waste. It just sucks when you thought someone was the one for you and he comes at you with a bulldozer of baggage you could never even imagine in a million years!!! Any advice?

 

Also, sorry for this long ass post!!!!

 

Thank you for responding!!! I just signed the lease before all this happened so I am going to see what my optionsa re in the coming months!

 

Wow. Thank you so much for this response. Really helpful. Yea I definetly feel grief that I have never felt before, but I just know that taking care of myself right now really helps. Luckily I have been doing yoga regularly and have somewhat a spiritual foundation to help keep me grounded. I have a lot of lows and I do flip out on him very often. I am still not sure what the future holds, but I am hoping in 6 months I will have a better idea of what I want for myself. I know my boyfriend is praying and hoping we stay together, but I think he will understand if I choose to leave. After the D Day as they call it, we had a trip booked to Vancouver for me to meet his whole entire family he hadnt seen in 3 years and for him to see his now sober father who has been clean for 3 years. I was so nervous about the trip because of everything that happened and we both cried on the plane there. I wasnt sure if I even wanted to meet his family, or go do my own thing. In the end, I met everyone, and it was a healing trip for us both.

I do see a future for us but life is spontaneous so who knows. Such a conflicting situation because as much as you love someone, these type of addictions can have you investing years only to find out you got fucked over again. It is scary and building back trust seems like it will never end. Luckily I have trust that I will make the right decision for me despite the everyday anxieties I face.

I really never knew SA and PA were such a huge thing. I didnt know these communities existed and I am so happy to have found this thread. I still get really triggered sometimes. Recently we started watching this Netflix show called the Sinner and it involves sexual trauma and addiction, so even though the story line was sucking me in, I would always go back to my dark place and start arguments with my boyfriend. We decided to stop watching it for now and will find something else.

Anyways, thanks for the recommendation! I am really looking forward tp checking it out. Peace!