Notes to myself

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Vairagya, Feb 6, 2020.

What is your addiction?

  1. Pornography

    34 vote(s)
    81.0%
  2. Degrading pornography

    16 vote(s)
    38.1%
  3. Fantasy chatting

    7 vote(s)
    16.7%
  4. Sex stories

    4 vote(s)
    9.5%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Date is 6 Feb 2020, relapsed a hour ago. I was good on hard mode. But now feeling terrible. I want to express my dirty self to you all which has been hidden. I am shy outside but inside I am person who is dirty thinker. I use to watch porn and read erotic stories. As my addiction grew that porn was not stimulating me anymore so I turned toward degrading porn in which women are abused slapped etc. I also started chatting but nobody likes to chat a male. So I started chatting with female IDs and pretending to be a female. I started to degrade myself to level unimaginable. I think that degrading porn made a way through chatting. Being a fake ID female I started enjoying attention I was getting from men. I started to offer them submission of a female. I got addicted. I got twisted. I would love when opposite person starts to abuse me ( He thinking I am a submissive female). I use to like dominating males and became submissive in role. My mind got addicted to these things. Started to reflect in my real life also. I became introvert. Always thinking cheaply about ladies. It was my routine to get home grab laptop and start chatting. It has consumed me. My current relapse was for same reason. I always wanted to share this to some one. Thanks for platform noFap. Now I want to get out of this I am finding it hard. So decide to keep a diary in this forum and will Keep updating myself. I really hate myself for a person I have become. I want to change. Porn is like a burning stick in cold, if you hold it your hand will burn and if you stay away........
     
    CH3RRY and Napav like this.
  2. Napav

    Napav Fapstronaut

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    Don't hate yourself.
    You have accepted that you are addicted to this bad habit and you want to quit, which is great :)
    Don't worry.
    Eat.Exercise. Read. Work. Sleep.
    Read this : 6 years clean.
    Stay strong. Keep reading rebooting articles.
    Keep fighting.
    We all are fighting together.
    All the best !!!
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
    CH3RRY and Vairagya like this.
  3. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Thanks friend. I want to fight this obsession. It's episodic. Other time I am perfectly normal. I will try .... I have to....
     
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  4. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Still not able to control my urges. Today feeling ok. It's like rebound phenomenon. I can't go away from fantasy chatting. Will try harder again.......
     
    Napav and CH3RRY like this.
  5. StonePlacidity

    StonePlacidity Fapstronaut

    stay strong, the chaser effect is one of the most dangerous things you would have when doing nofap.
    Indeed I just got a mild urge earlier today, but I managed to let go and keep on with my journey
     
    Vairagya likes this.
  6. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    What is chaser effect?
     
  7. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    You're doing a good step. Expose your darkness to the light. Let light and fresh air in to cure your rot. Don't hate yourself. This is what I do and it only drives you deeper. Hate the system. Hate porn. Hate everything it has done to you. Hate where it has taken you and where it will continue to take you. You have to hate it more than you like the feeling of it. It's taking advantage of you. It's using you
     
    Vairagya likes this.
  8. IceColdKilla

    IceColdKilla Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong. You are on the road to take full control of your life and be the true person that you are destined to be. Keep strong , change your lifestyle and keep reminding yourself on why you want to stop .
     
    Vairagya likes this.
  9. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I really dont understand. After doing PMO, I feel guilt then next moment I am determined to abstain. But very next moment I am again on same path.... I dont know how these urges always take control over me. You are right, I should hate porn and chatting. Aversion.
     
  10. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    I really wish. Let the transformation be upon us.........
     
  11. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    So back again. Started again. Yesterday night had urges but controlled with strong will. I will not surrender to you. Anyway its second day and feeling calm. Hoping this streak last life long.

    Last 10 day streak gave me hard replace.
    As already told you i am addicted to fantasy chatting and degrading pornography.Its very difficult to avoid temptations which are easily executable. So i have deleted my fake chat account. Lets see How it goes.......
     
  12. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Again able to control. I am feeling good. But thing is these thoughts keep on going without causing any urges. Just thoughts are running most of day, but controllable.
     
  13. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Control is getting easier. Feeling ok. Can focus now.
     
    hubbawulf1234 likes this.
  14. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    That's awesome! Welcome back to sobriety!
     
    Vairagya likes this.
  15. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    Hope it last forever
     
    hubbawulf1234 likes this.
  16. hubbawulf1234

    hubbawulf1234 Fapstronaut

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    Like I tell my business partner, "Hope is a terrible business plan". Let's not hope our sobriety lasts forever, let's plan on it lasting forever.
     
    Vairagya likes this.
  17. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    It's 4 days now. No urges. This morning feeling depressed. But still no urges. Not getting sleep since last 3 days. Is it normal?
     
  18. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    It's 5 days now. No urges. Started to think why I even had those dirty urges. Feeling ok today. Slept well last night. Can focus on my work and studies now. One more thing I want to share yesterday and day before that I log in to chat to persuade people for not chatting dirty. Without even having smallest urge to chat dirty. I am changing I think. It's really helpful now when I observe them I feel how disgusting I was.
     
  19. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    It's 6 days now. No urges. Yesterday was feeling anxious all day couldn't focus. But today feeling calm. Yesterday night sleep was on and off. Today will be better than yesterday I think. Today even don't feeling like log in to chat room, not even to persuade people. I am trying to focus more and more on studies. Is there any relationship of memory and NoFap?
     
  20. Vairagya

    Vairagya Fapstronaut

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    It's 7 days now. No urges. Yesterday was much less anxiety and slept well. Today feeling calm. No urges today. Control is getting easier now. No thoughts about fantasies. Some anxiety remains. Nowadays irritation is getting less. Focusing on studies now.
     

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