novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I understand! Do they just not remember because they are so messed up or do they actively hide it? When my husband first disclosed it was " four hours a week no favourite websites with no fluctuation in the amount over the years", to "almost every day and 2 favourite sites" to "once every two days for 30 minutes" to "5 hours a week when out of town, none at home" to "2 times a week at home" it is just all over the place. Granted he has had several weird work schedules but still. I want concrete info.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Just remember I know android phones. If it's iPhone you seek, talk to @SuperFan
    Unless you want to talk about computers.
    We can talk computers.
    Bel likes this.
  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Android here
    Bel likes this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Message away.
    I won't post what I know as PAs read the threads.
    And again.... I'm not into creating smarter criminals
    Bel, Deleted Account and anewhope like this.
  5. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    You have every right to request that, but just understand that most addicts aren't really conscious of just how often they're doing it. Especially when PMO sort of puts us in a time warp where hours can slip by, and only seem like minutes. When I read your comment that he once said, "30 minutes every two days," I thought, "wow, that's awfully specific ... the only way I'd know I was doing it that much is if I specifically scheduled 30 minutes every two days for PMO."

    While I'm sure it's frustrating to hear answers that are all over the place, I don't think it's necessarily an indication of dishonesty.
  6. Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2017
    Sadgirl likes this.
    Bel likes this.
  8. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

    I like the idea.
    51. Shoot some guns
    52. Blow something up
    53. Build something out of wood
    54. Drink beer at the beach
    55. Drink a fine bourbon, scotch, vodka, wine or beer you've never tried.
    56. Day hike
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Where are you?
    Sounds like we are IRL friends!! Lol
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. When does the defensiveness stop!?!?! I can't even talk to him about my triggers, because it's useless...
    Typical conversation goes like this:
    me: I just got triggered...
    him: Do you want to talk about it?
    me: No... it's just a trigger.
    him: But I want you to talk about it.
    me: OK. So I got triggered by xyz...
    him: Noooo! I wouldn't bla bla bla. I bla bla bla. For me bla bla bla. I see bla bla bla differently. You don't have to worry about bla bla bla. I love you!
    me: OK... Forget it... (thinking: Obviously how I feel doesn't interest him. It's all about him him him... bla bla bla)

    I don't know what other videos and articles can I send him to make him realize we're not going to heal, if this addict-mode continues. His shame, anger, and defensiveness are killing us.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2017
    anewhope likes this.
  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    So I heard this the other day. It was on a suggested youtube video after I watched the ones recommended here on betrayal trauma. This was a therapist teaching a class of therapists how to teach their clients what to do to help partners. Anyway, this is the technique she said is very effective for helping partners through the triggers. I just typed out what she was saying and sent it to my husband, so I'll share that.

    1 - Confirmation & Responsibility - validate the experience. Example - “I understand why you are triggered. What I did must remind you that I did X. It makes good sense that you would feel this angry/sad/hurt/whatever, why wouldn’t you?” Then take responsibility by showing empathy.

    2 - Re-entering the Present Moment - bring back to the present. Example - “I understand this feels like when I was doing X, but I have your back now and that is not going on in present day. I am sober now and I have your back. I know this is hard for you to believe but today I am doing everything to keep you safe.”

    3 - Safety & Security - regulate the nervous system to calm, touch works best, like a hug. Ask first if you can touch. Then chest hug is most effective. Calms the nervous system and helps to move forward in the moment.

    Not sure if that would help you but just thought I'd shre.
    DemonSemen and TryingToHeal like this.
  13. So, we had nice sex TWO NIGHTS in a row! Wow! Last night I went to bed and basically woke him up saying "Let's take advantage of the *good days* and have more sex". He gladly accepted. So we went wild. It was the first time ever I Oed in my head. I didn't know it was possible. Surreal, really.

    Today, back to *bad days*. We woke up. I got triggered by some noises. He tried being supportive. He really did. We started to talk about it, but the addict-mode happened rather quickly. I hate it! We went from talking about my triggers, to him explaining how his interpretation is totally different, to... you guessed it, a victim mode. I asked about one incident from this summer, when we sat down in a nice restaurant patio in Spain (with both kids there too). He was sitting facing me, but his eyes kept going over and over to something right behind me. So I looked... There was a lingerie shop on the other side of the small square and a big sultry poster in one of the windows. I got mad, of course. Asked him to change seats with one of the kids, pretending to worry about too much sun on one of them. So, when I asked him today to explain *his perspective* of that situation (since he insists my perspectives are always wrong), he went immediately into such addict BS about social awkwardness, etc. I couldn't listen to that! No accountability. No admitting of lust. No saying he was addicted to staring. No remorse. Just victim behavior (or behaviour, for some ;)). I just left saying I can't continue this conversation. Then he also stormed out... I think he took his paper journal to the bedroom. Now he is probably spewing angry words in it about how horrible I am in not wanting to listen to his side of the story. Argh! I can't force myself to be more mature than I am. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm babysitting a shame-filled boy. We're really having problems communicating about his addiction...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2017
  14. We continued this horrible conversation later. It started again in the unbearable fashion of "he said, she said". I almost ended it again. Then I had this revelation: If his perspective is quite opposite to mine, then let's look at why it was so. So, as an addict, he lived either on auto-pilot, unconsciously, or totally fooling himself and lying to himself (and others). So, why am I even allowing arguments about how different our perspectives were? I am opposing a lying, hiding, unconscious, sick person's perspectives! I win no matter how you look at it. If he was lying to himself, then the perspectives he remembers are lies too. If he was unconscious in his actions, then how could he have been conscious of his thoughts or feelings at the time? I rest my case! He said he had to go away to think about it. This is the first time I was able to produce court quality argument with him. Let's see how he responds. I am so sick and tired of these NONSENSE fights.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2017
  15. So... after a while of *thinking*, he came back to talk and admitted I was "partially right", which, in his dictionary, means I was right. His addict false pride will not allow him to ever say I was totally right, or even just right, since that would mean he would have to admit he was wrong. No way that could happen just yet. He apologized for getting angry (AGAIN!).

    Then I read him excerpts from articles on addictions @LizzyBlanca posted in the "On Lying" thread -->
    Really good reading. I learned a lot about not only his addiction, but mine as well. I quit smoking in May, but quickly rationalized starting again... like a true addict. I also used to be addicted to online poker, but managed to take control of that one a few years ago. Now it's just a hobby, and I think I would recognize quickly, if/when it would start slipping into an addictive behavior again (or am I fooling myself again?).

    Anyways, I went to bed right after midnight, and for me that's like middle of the day with my extreme night owlness. I slipped myself into his arms only to hear some grunts. After a while I moved away to my side of the bed and he immediately started explaining how he is all messed up today, so not really in the mood. So obviously he wasn't asleep, and he AGAIN used his *head* as an excuse for refusing intimacy and rejecting me - running away! Those are exactly the moments we should be getting closer, not pushing each other away! That's what got him into PA in the first place, right? And it's not even like I woke him up at 3 or 4 A.M. for sex, like I sometimes do. It was rather early even for him, also a night person. I am not going to count one night as a total rejection, but these behaviors always hurt somewhat.
    LizzyBlanca likes this.
  16. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    You SO's are always right. Isn't that right, @Broken3 ?
  17. LizzyBlanca likes this.
  18. Ha ha! Let's not start a WWIII :D
  19. 7 Honest Reasons Why Addicts Lie
    By David Sack, M.D. from

    Addicts tell lies more often than they tell the truth. “I’m not hurting anyone.” “I can stop any time.” Deception becomes so second nature, addicts will lie even when it’s just as easy to tell the truth. Many don’t even realize they’re fibbing or that other people see through the façade. Living a double life is exhausting, so why do addicts lie?

    #1 To Preserve Their Addiction
    An addict will do whatever is necessary to maintain their addiction. If they acknowledged the seriousness of the problem or the harm they’re causing themselves and others, they would be hard-pressed to continue this way of life. Their logic, whether conscious or unconscious, is: I need drugs, and I need lies to keep people off my back so I can continue using drugs. Thus, lying becomes a matter of self-preservation. Anything, or anyone, that is going to hinder their drug habit has no place in the addict’s life.

    #2 To Avoid Facing Reality
    Addiction reorganizes the addict’s world and consumes their identity so that the person becomes unrecognizable to themselves and others. Since the truth is too painful to face, the addict constructs an alternate reality where drugs and alcohol aren’t a problem and the addict is doing exactly what other people want and hope for them. They say they’ve been clean for weeks when, in truth, they got high just a few hours ago. They say they landed a great new job when they’re actually dirt poor and homeless.

    #3 To Avoid Confrontation
    Loved ones rarely sit idly by as an addict self-destructs. They ask questions, get angry and inevitably wonder, “If you love me, why do you keeping making choices that hurt me?” The stress of interpersonal conflict can be overwhelming for an addict. Without mature coping skills, addicts may do or say whatever it takes to avoid that disappointed look in their loved ones’ eyes or the contemptuous tone in their voice. Or they may become increasingly defensive, dishing out complaints of their own in an attempt to draw attention away from their addiction and toward the other person’s vulnerabilities.

    #4 They Are in Denial
    Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, denial compels the addict to disavow their problem and ignore the consequences of their behavior. Although denial can serve a valuable protective function, allowing people to process information and come to terms with it, in addiction denial can become pervasive. For example, addicts may truly believe that their family and friends have become the enemy or that their addiction is not only an acceptable but necessary part of their life. The disease uses denial and other sophisticated defenses, such as rationalization, projection and intellectualization, to ensure its survival.

    #5 They Believe They’re Different
    If the addict acknowledges that drugs and alcohol have become a problem but wants to continue using, they must convince themselves that they are the exception to the rule. The delusion that “I’m not like the others, I can handle it” allows the addict to live outside normal standards of behavior.

    #6 They Feel Ashamed
    In sober moments, addicts may feel extreme shame, embarrassment and regret. Unable to work through these emotions, addicts cope in the only way they know how: by using more drugs. To keep up appearances, they paint a picture of themselves to others that is far more flattering than the reality.

    #7 Because They Can
    Sometimes friends and family match the addict’s denial with an unhealthy dose of their own. They turn a blind eye to worrisome behaviors and make excuses for the addict because the truth is simply too painful or they’ve tolerated as much suffering as they can bear. Loved ones who ignore, enable or rescue send the message that lying is acceptable, thus perpetuating the addiction.

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