novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Good luck @novibe. I like the sound of shopping with your daughter, that could be a lot of fun! As you know, my life is on a bit of an upswing at the moment; I sincerely hope that things improve for you too and you get the happiness you truly deserve.
    Hugs
    ANH
     
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  2. Thank you! I do feel much better than just a couple of months ago, when it all seemed so horrible and hopeless. Now I just wish things keep improving with my BF and me, like they have been. I'll continue therapy and taking courses (any courses that feel helpful: betrayal trauma, intimacy improvement, self care, etc.).

    Yes, just two words to my daughter and she will be in for sure: CLOTHES & SHOPPING :)

    I'm also planning to slowly re-introduce myself to some me-time. I really need creativity in my life. My hands are just itching to make something nice. I don't even care what... drawing, painting, crochet, macrame, amigurumi, woodworking, jewelry making... ANYTHING! I really need that to feel good. My soul is dying without some creative projects. I have been reading a lot lately, which is nice, but it's not enough.

    I found this woman online (http://uncustomary.org/) who has become my inspiration. I stumbled on her site while searching for a "soothing kit" for my anxiety. She is awesome! I feel like her ON THE INSIDE. Now it's time I start shining on the outside too :)

    I am also feeling very good about being able to help others here and in a couple of FB secret groups.
     
  3. Portocala

    Portocala Fapstronaut

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    How do you do that? When you have all this paranoia about him going to places full of triggers (like a party)... how do you actually let your anger go?
     
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  4. Hi @Portocala. Nice to have new posters (but not nice that so many women are going through the same hell :( ).
    My BF hit a 6 month mark last week. I am so proud of him.
    I have been in serious therapy for the past two months (EMDR+talk). It helps so much! I never believed I would be able to look at things with *different eyes*, when my anxiety and paranoia were at their worst. So yes, things do get better for both partners, but it takes a lot of effort on their part. @slb (my BF) is also healing (and I don't just mean sobriety). He has not been very active on this forum lately, which I keep reminding him is one good way to get support, vent, etc. But, he has been working on himself in other areas (his own therapy, 12-step meetings, exercise, a bit less obsessive about food and internet devices). Lately he has EVEN become more open and doesn't get defensive every time we talk about stuff. Me likes!

    I do understand you, though. It feels hopeless, when you're in the whirlwind of the betrayal trauma, PTSD, paranoia, depression. You need time to heal. Lots of time and self-care. Lots of space for thinking. Lots of insight into your own issues. I know my own childhood issues contributed greatly to the severity of the betrayal trauma. I am now working them one by one and the trauma seems to lessen with every therapy session. There were so many "mother issues" and "father issues" in my past, that no wonder the latest trauma was like a WAR in my mind and body.

    Anyways, I hope you stay and talk through your stuff here. It helps! :)
     
  5. You make a conscious choice to do so. It's not easy but forgiveness is more about you than him. If you hold on to anger it can physically make you sick. Think of that anger as chains holding you down. You need to break free from that whether that mean leaving the relationship or forgiveness and moving forward. It is not healthy or productive to stay in any destructive pattern.
     
  6. Our kids are amazing. They prepared a romantic dinner for two (for @slb and me) today. The whole enchilada: appetizer, main course, and TWO desserts! Did I mention romantic music playing in the background and candles on the table? It's like they *knew* what we needed without being told.
    The whole house is a huge mess now, not just the kitchen, but we don't care :)
     
  7. Portocala

    Portocala Fapstronaut

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    How nice to hear how much progress you and your SO have been making! I am so proud of you guys and so grateful for your advice. I'll be starting therapy on my own this week because I know I have some "father issues" myself but I am so scared of how it is going to be :( Right now I'm in an emotional stable place (if there's any in this big mess called PA) but I feel that if I open my Pandora's vase I won't be able to be this supportive... Everytime some disappointment comes up I keep telling myself over and over again that this is just the addiction acting, and most of the time I manage to look at it from far away, but sometimes it's just too much and I feel like giving up, hurting him... I hope not to make irreparable damage when I'll be at my lowest point, in my heart I really know that I don't want to hurt him but sometimes it just seems that there is no other way...
     
  8. Portocala

    Portocala Fapstronaut

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    I really understand and agree with what you've said and it has been my mantra since I remember, but it is very hard to actually let go (since I really want to be there for him). I guess I don't know how forgiviness works :( They only way I can be not resentful or hurt is to actually minimaze what has happened to me and keep telling myself to focus on him and being his support. If I focus only on helping him then I am truly there for him, I really get what has happened to him, how it got there, what we should do and blablabla... but if I focus one second on myself I really can't get past all the bad things he did to me and how I've been hurt :( It is so difficult, I feel like I am 2 people in one body. Is this only my feeling or is it something "normal"?
    Thank you for your help!
     
  9. It is absolutely normal. I keep telling myself, that if only I looked at everyone in my life, like I look at my own children, I would be able to love them no matter what their behavior. I would be able to do things that are best for them AND me (like setting boundaries). I would be able to comfort them and make them feel empowered to better face their struggles. That's an ideal I'm striving for, but the reality is, just like in parenting, that sometimes you just want to "strangle" them. The difference between kids and PAs is that with kids you go to another room and strangle a pillow, but with PAs we have much less restraint. Maybe because abusing our kids is illegal, while our PAs are *big adults* we can yell at and kick... sometimes literally, as my BF found out this summer while staring up a waitress.
     
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  10. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry, I know it is not funny, but the image of your BF getting an unexpected boot in mid-ogle did make me smile. Good for you!
    ANH
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2017
  11. Yeah, imagine how I had to explain this to the kids... "Oh sorry, my leg just JUMPED accidentally on his leg". Actually, it took me 3 months to apologize to all three of them for that incident. To him for doing it, since I now know how difficult this staring problem is/was for him due to the SA and the P-induced/learned objectification. And to my kids for lying to them. I just explained to them, that I was angry with him, so I kicked him. I was not supposed to do that AND I was not supposed to lie to them about it. They all were very forgiving and understanding. My oldest (he wasn't there with us) is an adult and he knows the whole story. My middle one (13) knows I'm struggling with depression, but doesn't know about my BF's PA (still too young for the trauma of that), and the youngest one (10) just knows I have been having "sadness problem" lately (really too young to be bothered with PA stuff). So they all know I have been kind of off lately and totally not myself, but outright lying is a no-no for me, so I had to apologize... even after 3 months.
     
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  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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  13. I am so grateful for my EMDR sessions. So far I have been able to resolve SO MANY childhood issues with my mother and father. And they ALL tied *very nicely* to my betrayal trauma's intensity. It's amazing how our past experiences influence who we are and affect everything in our current lives.
    So far I have come to these conclusions/realizations thanks to EMDR therapy:
    - I am important, just like everyone else.
    - I am loved. I don't need my parents to feel that.
    - I am special to so many people, that the fact I was never a "special little girl" to my parents is irrelevant.
    - I am first and foremost a person, not *just* a woman. This is what I believe, so fuck sexiness. I rock!
    - I can take care of myself. I don't need to wait for someone else to do it. My needs are as valid as others'.
    - I can ask for help without feeling like I will never get it. If I don't get it, I am strong enough to manage.
    - I can assert healthy boundaries without anger, just like I do with my kids. Adults are just BIG kids, right?
    - My safe place is a car, where I feel good and free and calm.
    - I love the soothing feeling of rain and nighttime.
     
  14. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Wow @novibe !!! I am envious of your progress. Leaning to really believe those things must be life changing. Really good job.

    Who'd have guessed that your husband's pmo problem would lead you to all that (difficult) progress?

    Woohoo!!! Good job my friend!!!
     
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  15. :) Exactly! I'm *almost* feeling like without this whole PMO journey, we both would have never achieved as much progress in life as we have with it. It truly is a silver lining. I think often about what our lives would be now, had it not been for his PMO discovery. We would probably both be miserable, depressed, unhappy people. And we would probably have broken up sooner or later... This journey not only brought us closer, but it has allowed both of us to delve so deeply into our own issues, the ones that have been screwing up our lives up until now. I feel so... happy my BF is a recovering PA. I never thought I would say that, EVER!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2017
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  16. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I'm really happy for you @novibe ! I can sort of relate too. If not for my addiction, I wouldn't have found this site and without this site I wouldn't have understood about love languages. And this journey and the help from this community have inspired me to put so much more thought and effort into my relationship with my wife at a time when many marriages get into a rut or a steady decline. And we are both feeling closer and happier as a result. Three cheers for silver linings!

    ANH
     
  17. I am happy for you too! I realize a lot of "rebooters" and SOs are not as lucky as we are. I genuinely feel sad for them. I think some of the main aspects to be successful are time, patience, and a TON of work. Like in any area you want to be good at, this too takes practice :)
     
  18. Congrats @novibe, great to see you happy :)
    Not to hijack, but I’ve seen you guys post about “love languages” a lot. Could someone pm me a link or something that explains what that is? Thx
     
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  19. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    @Thor god of thunder I won't pm as it is useful stuff for just about anyone in a relationship and I'm sure novibe won't mind us using her thread.
    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

    ANH
     

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