novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. I have been away (but still reading) for a couple of days. My sick leave ends at the end of next week, but I don't want to go back there. The job is not the problem. I like it enough to stay. I'm not CRAZY about it, but it's OK and pays the bills. The problem is that we work together, and in the same team! We basically spend 24/7 with each other, and I find that not healthy. There is not enough separate time. Not enough of, what you could call, push and pull.

    So, I have applied to maybe 4 jobs lately and got 2 interviews already. The first one was today, and at the end I was asked for a second one next week's Wednesday. The other interview is on Monday, but I prefer the first company over this one.

    Wish me luck! :)
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Good luck!!!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. In one of my latest therapy sessions, we had quite a talk with my therapist. It started with trying to figure out some of my reactions to triggers. As you can guess, the "investigation" quickly led us to my childhood experiences. The ever-present concern of mine has been "I know the facts, but my mind refuses to believe them". So, basically, I know what I should be feeling/thinking given all the facts about me, my life, and my current circumstances, but my emotional side just can't believe them, so I end up feeling worse than I should. I know I am not very good at expressing what I mean, so forgive me for sounding so "complicated". For example, I know I am an attractive woman both to others and even to myself, if I am being realistic. Then WHY am I constantly afraid my BF will find other women more attractive than me? Why do I even worry about it? I know there are people more attractive than me. I know he finds me attractive. I know he loves me. I know he would not leave me for someone else. I know physical attractiveness only goes so far. I know beauty is so much more than our exterior. I don't even want to look like the women I am so terribly jealous of. Then WHY do they trigger me so much? I guess we are going to work that out in the near future :)
    TooMuchTooSoon and anewhope like this.
  4. Congrats to you for not strangling your BF. 24/7 together? Would drive me fucking crazy.

    Good luck on those interviews.

    The answer in a nutshell is fear. We all on some level fear losing the ones we love. Even though we sometimes want to beat them with a wittle ball bat.
  5. Something one woman posted today in another forum (BTW, I noticed exactly the same thing some time ago). This is for all the SOs here:
  6. Interviews continue. On Wednesday I had that second interview to a company I liked. I was not a good fit for them after all... or maybe they just don't realize what they have missed :) I am an amazing employee and I give 200% to everything I do. I am also yet to find an ex-employer that wouldn't want me back, if only I wanted them back. Their loss! That said, they did like me a lot, but thought that the particular position that I applied for was not so good for me. I would disagree, but what can I say, if the hiring manager thinks otherwise. So, the other company also invited me to a second interview (that's a second face to face one with them!). So there might be some interest there. I know I am probably one of six people left in the race right now, so the chances are... 16 and 2/3 % :D
    anewhope and Kenzi like this.
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  8. You got this.
  9. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. I sent this to @slb today, but may be good for other PAs too:

    Since some are not religious, just change "God" to "my highest values" or something like that.
  11. So... I am back to NoFAP after I took a break from posting/reading. I ended up going back to my current job and decided to revisit the "do I want to work with my BF?" question in about 1 year. We made some new rules concerning not spending 24/7/365 with each other, since this was very unhealthy for our relationship. So, when he goes to the office, I work from home, and vice versa. We may sometimes go together, but only SOMETIMES, not every frigging day! ;) If this arrangement doesn't work, I told my boss that around Christmas 2018 I would like to think about it again, and maybe look for another job then, but not until then.

    Therapy is going well. Lately we've had some really good sessions. I'm resolving a lot of issues with... myself. No mother/father issues left to resolve anymore :) Latest session(s) I asked for help with my own addictions. Scary as hell, as my addicted self screamed to leave them the hell alone. The rational self, on the other hand, said I need help.
  12. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

    Welcome back! :) Glad therapy is going well! You are brave to face your addictions. I'm glad you're listening to your rational self and not your addicted self. Good luck overcoming your addictions! You can do it just as I have done it.
  13. Thank you, @Torn, and nice to meet you! :)

    Yes, I am so tired of smoking, for example. The craziest about this habit is the fact, that I started it when I was a high performance athlete (almost made it to the Olympics, but gave up too soon... probably due to self esteem issues caused by traumas from childhood). My addicted self keeps referring to it as my *security blanket* and *my time tool*. How silly! I can easily soothe with much healthier habits, I'm sure.

    There are others too... unfortunately o_O While in the midst of PTSD/depression/anxiety/betrayal trauma hell, I started escaping into online poker and got addicted. After spending a shitload of money and time on it, I finally asked my therapist for some help. Amazingly, EMDR also may help with addictions. We have already started addressing the poker one last time. It worked to remove the *pleasure* aspect from it and make me take a seriously realistic look at why I did it. I now stopped it and am planning on banning myself from my "favorite" online poker room. If that doesn't work (which I hope it should), I will ask my BF to take over my personal bank account and monitor my spending, at least for a while.

    I also seem to have quite an obsessive habit of researching stuff to death. I mean, whatever interests me at the time, I will spend hundreds of hours online just browsing/reading/researching/comparing, even if I don't actually use that knowledge for much... well almost. I do become quite an expert on the topic, but without the hands-on, practical application, which makes me mad for how much time I spent on just learning and none on DOING. And I do that with EVERYTHING, even my very practical hobbies or exercise! CRAZY!!!

    Thankfully I never got addicted to alcohol or drugs. I never really liked drinking much and didn't really have access to drugs or people who did drugs. Lucky me!
    vxlccm, anewhope, Hopefulgirl and 3 others like this.
  14. Welcome back! Its great that you are recognizing what you find to be your strongholds and actively attacking them! I applaud you! We all should be doing this every so often, since as you stated..things progressively change over time. You will feel so liberated once you overcome even one of these obstacles. We quit smoking almost 8 years ago and it feels great! Trust me if I could do it anyone can bc I never thought I would! I smoked a pk/day from age 13 to 29.

    So you got this girl! One day at a time!
    Torn, Kenzi, anewhope and 1 other person like this.
  15. Everyone, who wants to free him/herself from an addiction and give his/her best shot to that, is worth a applause! If he/she manages to overcome that addiction is worth congratulations! All of us need support, especially when we feel week!
    I'm wishing you the best on your day to day process! Keep yourself on the way to your happiness!
    Torn, anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You are back!!
    I love all the new recognition and self awareness!
    It's so great!
    I have more I just love about all of this, but I feel like I would be redundant, just repeating everyone above me...
    It's super amazing to hear that you have a good plan.
    I like it.
    Don't forget You Time... Go get your hair did, take the kids out to a fancy dinner or something...
    Anyways, Hugs!
    Glad you popped in for a update!
  17. Thanks guys! I need help and I'm getting it :) both from a professional, and at home, and here from all of you. I am amazed how quickly my childhood traumas got resolved. This is the first time in my life I'm actually starting to take care of myself. I never thought I deserved that care. My family is benefiting too. My kids love it, when I take them with me to a Chinese Wellness Center and we get massages. My 10 year old daughter had a first professional manicure with me a couple of weeks ago, and I realized the last time I had one was over 13 years ago for a wedding (one of my own weddings ;)).

    On the topic of weddings... Do you know how embarrassing it is to answer people's questions about my *biography*, like my marriages, my kids' fatherSSS, my many failed relationships (besides the failed marriages). It's like I'm this normal tomboy girl with a celebrity secret life. I always feel like I'm being judged for that, or that I have to explain my whole shitty life to everyone. I myself didn't realize why my life took the turns it did until very recently. I always thought that maybe I am just too picky, or too independent, or too hot-headed. Not that at all! Well, maybe a little :oops:. The culprit was/is the childhood shit. It left me so totally unprepared for any kind of adult relationship, that the only true bonds I was ever able to make were with children and animals. At least that part of my life seems wonderful. I have very close and great relationships with all young and furry creatures :p
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2017
  18. My update:
    - Online poker under total control - I stopped playing entirely. I still have urges and times when I fantasize about the weekends when both my BF and kids are away and I would be able to easily hide my playing from any and all people. My therapist has been helping me greatly to get to the root of this particular addiction. We have figured out, that the attraction comes from me trying to prove myself in *young men's world*, like I have done in so many other areas of my life, from how I dress to the types of jobs I have gravitated towards. I am very excited to have realized this connection. It explains A LOT about the choices I made in my life, and, of course, it goes back to some unfortunate childhood experiences, that made me feel like I HAD TO prove something to the boys. I think I have proven myself over and over again, so I really don't have to do that anymore.
    - We haven't touched my smoking yet, but in time I definitely want to tackle that too... and SOON! I really have grown tired of this stupid addiction and am mentally ready to finally rid myself of it. It's going to be tough, but I want to do it regardless.
    - Childhood traumas GONE!!! Therapy worked like a charm.
    - Relationship with my PA BF is not going well. We are civilized toward each other, but that's about how *friendly* we get. We basically live like roommates most of the time. He is not having much progress with his individual therapy, as I see it. Yes, he claims to have been sober for some 8 months now, but that's that - sobriety. I don't feel like he has actually matured. I don't feel like his arousal template has shifted to me. I don't feel like I am at all desirable/attractive to him. Even though my own therapy has made me OK with myself, I still want a certain degree of sexiness/romanticism in my own relationship, but I don't feel any of that. It's like this whole recovery journey has totally killed the romantic part of our relationship. Probably I stopped feeding off of my own fantasies while at the same time it is evident he has not stepped up in this department. So yeah, I love him... like I would a cousin or an uncle, not like a BF. He, of course, claims I am wrong about all this, but I can't rely on words alone - I have to see and feel it, not just argue about it. How does he think I am going to feel desirable or attractive to him, if the only *proof* I have is him defensively or even angrily saying during an argument "But I DO find you attractive!" and that's ALL. I don't have any other proof what he is saying is actually true. Most of the time I feel like some kind of neutral, a-sexual, motherly figure to him. I feel like someone to discuss food shopping with, not a romantic partner. I have no clue if or how this relationship is going to survive and develop into what we both say we want.
  19. I’m struggling similarly with the not feeling like he’s “all in”. Abstaining is not recovering.

    I recently sent him an article about building intimacy in 3 steps daily. An exercise that should help with all of what you describe about. I can s nd you the link if you want but basically it says to:

    Pray together (if you pray)

    Feelings - Share two feelings you’ve had (not about eachother

    Praise - tell the other person two things you like or admire about them

    And look each other in the eyes for #2 & 3.

    We haven’t done this yet but plan on implementing starting tonight.

    Not sure if it’ll help you but it might be worth a try?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. @Broken3: can you post the link to that article about "building intimacy in 3 steps daily" ... or message it to me.


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