novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Porn Addict.
    I get why you're in here reading/commenting on this. It became clearer with the whole academia slant. Best educators are those who don't stop educating themselves.

    @novibe , girl I fake that omg you're the best sex little ol 12 time virgin me has ever had face with accompanying vocals with every partner at one time or another. I never thought of why I felt I needed to, maybe as a reassurance quick and to the point was always ok by me. It wasn't until I was with my PA that I stopped my act mid scene and just blurted out "this really just sucks". Mostly bc he was going into his marathon mode again . Sometimes it really does frustrate me why I'm here today.....I am the bluntest person I know bc I just prefer to cut to the chase, but yet doing all the things that I thought would help me avoid all this still landed me here.
    I feel like your divide is growing fast and I slant to towards couples therapy. It seems like your guy wants to be with you it just seems like for whatever reason whether it be porn, lack of relationship experience, both or whatever it's just not clicking for you. Try an unbiased person to stick their nose between you and see what happens. If he didn't seem to want to be with you at all I wouldn't suggest it but from what I read from him he seems really bad at communicating his true thoughts to you without triggering you. You definitely can't have that happen when you're still shattered trying to pick up the pieces of your sanity whether intentionally or not.
     
  2. Couples' therapy might be good, but we live in such stupid country, that I doubt we could get a good face-to-face therapist, who also speaks good English. People here are so insecure, that I bet our therapist could use therapy more than we do ;-) But yeah, it's an option we might have to explore, whether online (Skype would be OK for both of us, since we already use it for work daily) or, by some miracle, in real life.
    You are right about me getting triggered by anything and everything nowadays. I am getting triggered all the time!!! Even by silly stuff, like him being overly nice to me. My mind is screaming "I don't need a maid nor a waiter nor a butler nor a pool boy! I need a man!" The stuff he does for me is all nice, but I really can't accept it, it seems, if I don't feel emotionally safe. It actually bothers me more. I know this sounds strange - who wouldn't like all these "services"? But I really get mad (at least internally), that I'm getting everything I didn't ask for, and none of the things I did.
    And then I get triggered by my own PA-SO imagination. This morning I got mad that he wanted to go out to a corner shop to buy fresh bread, because I thought he uses these solo trips to get out of the house by himself, so I wouldn't be there to scrutinize his every glance. Crazy, I know. I am on his case about EVERYTHING! I have turned into every man's nightmare. The nagging, bitchy GF. :-(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 1, 2017
  3. Unfortunately being that way will only push him further from where you really desire the two of you to be. I know it's difficult not to be in your head and of course it's all their causing but the two of you really won't progress this way.

    Maybe try to get a plan together. You need to do your boundaries/consequence list and discuss. Maybe abstain from sex for a small time until you are ready and feel that he can truly be "w you" and not fantasizing. Working on your healing is just as important as overcoming his PA. Do not become someone you don't like yourself. Everyday try to let your anger go and choose forgiveness. Not for him but for you bc when you stay angry w someone the only person you are hurting is yourself and you will not begin to heal until you release it. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or giving permission it just means your choosing internal healing.
     
  4. I sense a bias against therapy but I think it's an excellent idea. It is not what people think it is in terms of content, structure, etc.
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm sending this to Rock Star.... Buuuuutttt he's getting alot better on his own.
    Still, sometimes just a "here it is" , is good, you know?
     
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  7. So the holidays are DONE! I hope kids had fun.
    For the past two days I've been trying not to get triggered every minute. I have succeeded not to get too mad at any given time, but maybe once. The rest of the time I basically spent on trying as hard as I could to ignore any and all triggers, and there were hundreds. Sad existence. Connection was absent either because I was so sad, that I had to constantly hide my face or because he was just walking a few meters ahead of me, like a solo tourist... while I was busy not looking at what he might be looking at. Craaazy! At no point in my whole life have I been bombarded by so many triggers... not even when I was abused as a child. This is a 24/7 ordeal and I am exhausted. Flight home in some 5 hours! I want to go into my bed and not leave.
     
  8. I'm sry you did not get to enjoy your vacation. I understand what your saying I had a difficult day much the on vacation about a week ago. Interestingly enough my hubs also walked either in front or in back of me. At time along side but I keep glimpsing over to him any time I saw something that might trigger him to look. His sunglasses were able to hide most of it from me but it def drove me nuts. Maybe you could get away for a spa day or something? You certainly deserve it and it would make you feel a lot better and refreshed. I hope you have a better rest of your weekend.
     
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  9. I'm taking a break from writing in my journal. I know I only posted here a few times, but, since my BF is also on this forum, it turned out to be a bad idea to come here venting like I did.
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    You guys should do like me and my SO do and make rules not to read what each other write.
    Just a suggestion.
    We will miss you!!!
     
  11. Yes you should not read each others posts. You have every right to vent as much and say whatever your feeling at any given time. It's your feelings, your journal and he should respect that. No one on here knows who you or him are so it shouldn't be that big deal even. I think my SO would prob feel weird about all I share on here too but honestly it's my feelings and my journal and it's because of him that I felt the need for support in this in the first place. It's my therapy. And it's cheaper!
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    That's why I didn't out Rock Star.
    And until he posted in Success Stories, I didn't like his post.(or anything he's posted)
    He asked me to read that, he was proud.
    He is free to read whatever he needs on here (minus women in Reboot-this is both of us) and respond how he wishes, to who he wishes and post what he wishes.
    We don't follow each other around.
    It's better.
    I honestly don't want to know.
    He needs to get his own therapy and we talk about it when he feels the need or when I read something upsetting or something strikes me and I'm like... Hey, did you read This?
    It's good.
    You two should make your own rules.
    And follow them.
    Honestly it's great that some couples share their stories together and comment together on journals but for others I don't think it's a sound theory.
    Just my opinion.
     
  13. In our case, the normal communication is so thwarted right now (a lot of anger and resentment), that I (we) thought it would be beneficial to read each other's posts, so we would at least know what the other one is thinking. But he takes everything I write as a literal instruction manual or gets upset at my venting. Then we go into an endless blame game... mostly he does. So, it's not constructive to communicate this way.
     

  14. Just a suggestion...if you need to vent and/or would like feedback, you could do it in the SOS group forums? Then, it isn't available for everyone to read.:)
     
  15. slb

    slb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry. I thought it would help to read your stuff. I can't help but get upset by some of it though.

    I was looking for anything that would help improve our communication and understanding. But I don't want to deny you the space you need to vent and hopefully heal a bit, so I'll stop following you and won't come back and read anything on this thread.
     
  16. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I think this is common when both people in a relationship join NoFap. You both need your space to grow, ask questions, vent, and express yourself without censorship. Can you guys chose the 'Ignore' option in each other's profile to create your own private space?

    I choose not to interact with my wife online while she was here. She would (and still does on occasion) read my posts and sometimes respond, but usually I would discuss it offline because these issues lose so much when you try to reduce it to words. It's impossible to communicate exactly what you mean without it sounding like a contract, plus it's exhausting being overly detailed.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2017
  17. I think we definitely should do that... Everything he writes seems to me like he is using a "filter" for my eyes. He even sounds in almost all of his posts like he is expecting me to read what he wrote. I think I do the same to a certain extent. Maybe I am less "filtered" in my posts, but that just adds oil to the fire. He unfollowed me today and I should do the same. It's so tempting to go see what the other has written, though.
     
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  18. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    I actually seem to be tamer here than face to face. We haven't had a problem seeing or commenting. Sometimes there is a need for both sides of the story for accountability reasons imo. It seems like all we do is rehash porn addiction topics, my mistrust that rolls like the ocean waves , or other depressing shit. It's weird bc I just want normal, but even I don't know what normal is any more. I wish you guys the best and successful paths to peace either with one another or apart.
     
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  19. About triggers. It is crazy how many triggers there can be around, when you're healing from a trauma of your partner's PA!!! I *just* went to one website that sells slippers. Yeah, slippers! The wooly comfy ugly things we put on our feet to feel warm and comfortable on those cold winter's evenings. Normally I wouldn't think twice to forward a link to my BF with an interesting item or article or whatever. Nowadays, NO! Even the slipper website HAS TO have a sultry pictures of women IN SLIPPERS!!! CRAAAZY! The site in question has this one picture, that would definitely trigger my BF, of a young woman sitting on the floor, like she just fell from drug overdose, with all the "features" of someone trying to seduce a man (I won't mention as to not trigger anyone). Slippers...
     
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  20. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Totally understand. Things you totally perceived as innocuous become sinister almost. For me my big one is Facebook....until I find out it is not only an easy secret gateway to get around porn blockers and apparently a mode of operation in that he would pull up real people's pages , search out porn with people who looked similar and go to town on himself.
    And sadly that's only one example of probably hundreds that have polluted my psyche.
     
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