novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. I'm fuuuuuming!!! I just realized my BF still has all his explicit sexual fantasies books on his kindle. Ha? After nearly 4 months in reboot? I almost smashed his tablet, but didn't, out of pure respect for him as a human being. I don't know what he thinks about accountability. I don't understand. I try to believe him that he hasn't read them recently, but why would he keep them???
     
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  2. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    I have one thing to ask.....was it something he used a lot or put aside and forgot it. If he had his nose buried in it more than not , well then I'm not so sure I'd had refrained from the kindle becoming kindling.
     
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  3. He uses his kindle almost daily, so no, he definitely hasn't forgotten it. He reads a lot... fantasy. I only found out about it, because Covenant Eyes showed me he looked up a book on amazon that was by an author famous for sexually explicit writing. I questioned him about the book (asked him if he bought it, etc.), so naturally I asked what other books he has on his kindle. And surprise surprise, the most recommended for sexual fantasy series of books is on his kindle. It just triggered me so much, especially that I remember so many times him sitting there reading and stroking his chin while smiling at his tablet... and then looking at me with this "what's up" look. He never looked at me like he looked at his tablet (it was a problem already before D-day). His device use, the frequency, the intimacy anorexia, the avoidant behaviors, the ogling - they all led me to discover his PMO and SA. So yeah, the tablet has always been somewhat of a trigger in our relationship.
    He did mention he "forgot" to delete them, BUT, if someone is serious about recovery, they make sure they clean up their environment of P and p-subs. He didn't.
     
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  4. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Yeah I'm very sorry, I too would have a very difficult time believing anything still in a lot of current use did not have all it's content accessed just as much. Imo I don't think anyone can claim independence from an addiction when they still have a readily available storage of their drug of choice. It's like they can't let go completely. Again just mho.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I took all the electronics myself.
    And reset everything.
    It was one of the conditions of me staying.
     
  6. Yes, he is "that ogling guy" and yes, I do worry how much p-subs he *consumes* when I'm not around. Especially, that he claims not to have much control over his ogling, when he is trying hard, when I am around. So how much is he still medicating "unconsciously"?
     
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  7. Hmmm... I've been thinking... Some years ago, when I was drinking hallucinogenic potions in the Amazonian jungle, I thought "All high school graduates should have at least 10 ceremonies before they enter adulthood." Now, after battling PA/SA of my BF my thinking goes like this "All men should be rebooting at least once in their life." The transformation of a man finally working on himself in the areas of his inner being, sex, intimacy, connection, addictions, etc., is so significant, that I wouldn't want this whole situation to NOT happen. I know this sounds strange, but it's true. Had my BF never faced his "issue", he would have never entered areas of self-development he has. I can see improvements in him in all areas of his (and our) life. Good stuff!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2017
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  8. Yesterday I got so down on our relationship, that I knew it's time to go left or right. Today I proposed to my BF we do a "relationship reboot". We have tasks and rules to follow for at least 90-100 days to repair all the avoidance on both parts. Let's see :)
     
  9. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Best Wishes for a successful relationship reboot Novibe!!
     
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  10. Rules of the relationship reboot:
    - We abandon our devices, behind which we hide (yes, both of us :-O ). The only exceptions to this rule are work and max. half an hour per day for NoFAP, FB (I follow some groups), e-mail, his no PMO reading, and my Sunday night poker :D. Also, if we need to look something up (instructions, recipes, schedules, etc.), we get that extra.
    - We both do one sexy thing per week.
    - We both do one romantic thing per week.
    - We both do one scary/embarrassing thing per week.
    - He does one selfless act per week, but not for me, and not something routine like laundry or cooking.
    - I do one nice thing for myself per week (yeah, I know... I do enough selfless acts already ;-) ).
    - We both do one thing we have always wanted to do/start, but haven't, per week.
    - We keep a paper journal of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences of the reboot.
    In the future we may adjust the tasks (if we run out of scary and exciting things to do :D ) and may increase the frequency of some of them.
    I think that's all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2017
  11. There was a question from one poster on another forum: "Does anyone else just not want to do certain things because that's what your partner likes to look at?". My answer, unfortunately, was this: "A million times YES! I can't even send him YT links to helpful recovery videos, if there is a young/attractive woman in the video OR even in related videos. I can't go out with him ANYWHERE. I can't watch a movie. I can't even browse the internet in front of him, because of all the sexualized advertisements all over. Even my Pinterest feed is a no-no nowadays, and I'm into crochet!!! Too many cute women in crochet dresses and bikinis. IT SUCKS!!!"
     
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  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We have a list.... Have you read my journal about the Star List?
    He LITERALLY sat down and wrote out everyone (this took days)
    Models, actresses, SI, like, Everyone that brain fuzzy or he used as porn or P-Subs (or found attractive)
    Until reboot is finished.
    We don't watch TV with these people and they All get put through a filter in this house.... Even Cameron Diaz on Shrek.
    (because, depending on how he used them)
    This takes Honesty.
    I'm a little calmer now.... The list really shows his type casting.
    So I don't (for myself) filter in All Pretty people.
    For instance, on my SO list, I only noticed one African American woman.
    So I guess he won't ogle them...
    However, this ensures (according to him) that movies we watch, even facial expressions, which can mimic the O face, (which he found attractive) he won't catch on the screen because these actresses and so on, simply won't be in any screen we watch.
    It does suck... Because even new movies he/we want to watch, we look at the cast and often are like.... Can't watch that for___.
    So now we have a Movie list, of movies to watch later.
    And for us... No social media... It's all bad... And it's not even just the big ones... Do you know there are smaller platforms...?
    Like mocospace?
    Yeah.
    And I'm with you on recovery videos.... They SHOULD think about those things.
    And ads, are for children.... Yes, the sexual ones.
     
  13. You are lucky about the honesty thing... I don't have much of that yet (maybe never). Whatever questions I ask are met with the same kind of vagueness as 4 months ago. I don't even know what exactly he is into, in order to not be triggered by EVERYTHING. So, unfortunately, I am triggered by basically everything I can imagine, even voices. I have noticed WHAT he ogles, so at least I know that much, but it's basically everything. I am stuck at home and paralyzed by this. I refuse to join him for lunch, because on occasion, when we were in public (work, holidays, etc.), I always got triggered and he always ogled :-(
     
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  14. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    See to me this is where SLB has to sit down and write it all out. Not knowing only leads you to believe everything is suspect, and jesus christ how are you supposed to avoid being triggered if you have no flaming clue??
    Like I want to watch that movie Thanks for Sharing....but I can't bc Gwenyth Paltrow is shimmying around in lingerie ....my PA was OBSESSED with lingerie. ...the more whorish the more glommed on......:mad:
     
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  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is why I'm grateful for all the lists. I hate having them all around everywhere... OMG there are sooooo many... But gods they keep me sane too.
    Everyday I know, I see he's doing well. I can rely on them.
    He wrote everything down, and when needed, he ADDS to them.
    He keeps copies Everywhere of Everything.
    I am fenced by them, but I know KNOW I can move and breathe and he's getting better.
    I can ask questions and I don't fear my bad days, even though now I have more than him, even mine are improving.
    I want improvement for you too somehow.
    *hugs
     
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  16. That's where his "avoidance" comes in. He doesn't disclose anything, especially voluntarily, because he is f**king scared. No matter how much I try to explain to him, that it's his lack of openness that's going to drive us apart, not the P, he refuses to find some balls and just start living like it's 1999.
     
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  17. I did a trauma assessment today and here are the results:
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    Fear & Potential Threat of Life
    Your Results: Moderate-High

    Based on results from more than 450 people who took this assessment your answers indicate that you are in the moderate-high range of all participants who took this assessment which indicates that you have likely experienced some form of threat or questioned your safety in your relationship. Your scores are in the moderate-high range (between 51-75%). While at least 25% of those assessed reported more threats, fear of being injured, or had significant worries about their personal safety in their relationship, your scores indicate that you have likely worried about your safety both physically and emotionally.

    Most answers to questions related to physical safety were generally answered with responses of “never” or “rarely.” While answers associated with feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and safety were more likely to be answered with responses of “about half the time” or “more often than not.”

    It may be helpful for you to review the list of questions above and identify the specific areas in which you answered at least half the time or more. In general, these are important areas that will need to be addressed in your healing. Your responses indicate that you are experiencing feelings of helplessness or hopelessness. It is likely that you often question your ability to trust your partner and possibly others in society.

    Your responses for this category which assessed threats, fear of injury, physical and emotional safety indicate you have experienced times of not being safe, emotionally and possibly physically. In all relationships these experiences limit your ability to connect. As Dr. Porges said, we connect or socially bond only when we feels safe.
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    Re-experiencing the Event
    Your Results: Moderate-High

    In reviewing your responses and comparing them to the results from the more than 450 people who took this assessment your answers indicate that constant thoughts, reminders, or feelings of reliving the event are overwhelming you at times. Your answers suggest that the symptoms of reliving the event/s and other symptoms listed above are occurring “more often than not.” Each of the symptoms listed above are triggering you (e.g. struggle to think of others things besides what your partner has done) and hijacking your mind. It is likely very difficult for you to find consistent moments of peace and calmness in your daily living. Your traumatic symptoms are high.

    For your comparison, your responses for this section place you in the mid-high range (61-95%) for all those who completed this assessment. Generally speaking, those who score as you did report that they are frequently triggered by media or being in public settings where they are exposed to sexually suggestive images. In fact, a majority report that seeing a sexually suggestive image triggers anxious feelings which happens nearly all the time. Even dreams, the least reported symptom is happening “about half the time.” Your scores indicate high levels of trauma and through recurrent and intrusive memories.
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    Avoidance
    Your Results: Elevated

    In order to provide you specific feedback we reviewed your responses and compared them to the results from the more than 450 people all over the United States and Canada. Your scored in the highest range possible indicating that you frequently attempt to avoid certain thoughts, situations, or people. The most common method of avoidance for individuals who score as you did is to distract yourself through excessive reading, sleeping, eating, or drinking. In addition, you are avoiding sexual contact with your partner.

    While most of us avoid thinking about certain things or situations when we don’t like them, there are many triggers that create high anxiety and stress for you. For example, there are certain thoughts you are trying to avoid and there are places or locations you avoid (e.g. mall, swimming pool, etc.) While avoidance may seem like it is protecting you, it may actually be creating more anxiety inside of you. Avoidance is not necessarily good or bad, but it can hold you back from enjoying many parts of your life. For example, if you stop going to places you used to enjoy (e.g. the mall) because of how people are dressed, your life satisfaction will go down. If you are avoiding situations you used to enjoy, your avoidance of these activities is limiting what you can and can’t do and what you can and can’t think.

    For each of the questions in this category (e.g. I intentionally plan activities to avoid being around my partner), you are most likely to respond that “more often than not” you avoid activities, events, or try to avoid thinking about what has happened. On some of the questions your trauma shows the extent of how it is influencing you. For example, on the question I avoid sexual contact with my partner since discovering his/her behavior, 76% of those who scored as you did answered that they “always” avoid sex with their partner. In contrast, only 31% in the middle range answered that they “Always” avoiding sexual contact with their partner.

    We are not advocating that you run out to the mall or jump in bed with your partner. We do

    suggest that you monitor your level of avoidance closely and if you find that avoidance is taking over your life please reach out for extra support. Typically when score as you have they are in deep levels of trauma. Their fears and worries consume their minds. They begin to isolate themselves away from others. They stop trusting all people, not just their partner. The use of avoidance is a protective measure that end up placing them in their own prison. Your answers suggest high levels of avoidance and is a hallmark response to trauma. It is suggested that you seek professional support.

    Below you will find support material to help you better understand avoidance and how to respond to it.
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    Thoughts, Mood, & Self-belief
    Your Results: Elevated

    In each of the key sections of this assessment we added your responses to each question and compared your results with 450 others who have completed it. Based on your results, the negative thoughts you have about yourself and society as a result of your partner’s behaviors have increased significantly. For example, negative thoughts like, “I am not good enough” and “It is hard to trust anyone” have increased significantly.

    Your responses the questions in this section placed you in the highest possible range indicating high levels of trauma.

    What exactly does this mean to you?

    There are many areas of your life that have been altered by your partner’s behaviors. You are likely to struggle in your trust for others in society. In other words, your partner’s behaviors have led you to question everyone and everything. When trust is lost, your foundation of stability decreases and it changes your entire worldview.

    You, almost always, wonder whether you are good enough because of your partner sexual behaviors. This means you internalize his/her behaviors as if they say something about you. Common thoughts you may be having include: He/she wouldn’t be this way if I was better or I feel like it is my fault he/she acts this way. In addition, more often than not you have a hard time enjoying activities that you used to enjoy.

    One area that seems to be consistently difficult for individuals who respond as you did is shame. When we asked the question, “I feel ashamed because of what my partner has done,” almost ninety percent responded that they “always” feel this way as a result of their partner’s behaviors. This shame may also carry over to other areas of your life. For example, in another question we asked, “When I am in social settings I don’t feel like I belong anymore.” Sixty-five percent of the individuals in this category answers “always” to this question. The areas of shame and feeling like you don’t belong generally lead to social isolation which is a common manifestation of trauma.

    At this time, your betrayal trauma is elevated. It is influencing your sense of self (e.g. negative self belief, your trust for others and society, and hurting your overall life satisfaction. This experience is altering your life in many negative ways. We strongly recommend the following things if you haven’t already done so:

    1. Seek more knowledge and understanding of betrayal trauma and how to resolve it.

    2. Get professional help from a specialist in treating trauma

    3. Find a support group (12-step, forum like here at Bloom)
    -------------------------

    Alterations in Emotional Response
    Your Result: Elevated

    Your responses indicate that you are experiencing extremely high levels of emotional arousal associated with your partner’s behaviors. After reviewing the 450 responses we found that individuals who score as you did are completely overwhelmed by their partner’s behaviors and often struggle to find any mental relief. Your responses suggest that you are experiencing high levels of anxiety and stress associated with your partners sexual behaviors.

    In fact, individuals who score as you did responded with “more often than not” or “always” on most of the questions listed above, except for the questions related to harming oneself. This level of emotional arousal indicates that you frequently find yourself in “fight” mode. While in fight mode you are likely to be irritable, anxious, and hyper aware of what your partner is doing. It is as if your partner is a sabertooth tiger readying to attack you. As a result you find yourself constantly overwhelmed and anxious. These emotions will trigger the “fight” response which comes out as anger or the flee response--escape. You likely go back and forth between the two but certainly you are likely to feel anger more than you would like and struggle to calm your mind when things become difficult.

    One area that you are likely to struggle with is “hypervigilance.” This is a preoccupation with what your partner is doing. When it comes to closely monitoring your partner’s behaviors, trying to read his/her emotions, and checking up on your partner you likely responded “Always.” While it is common to be focused on what your partner is doing, it is consuming your day-to-day thinking and overwhelming you. This heightened anxiety often leaves you emotionally hijacked with feelings intense anger, sadness, and hopelessness. It is these dark emotions that manifesting your trauma and likely scare you. If you are experiencing these emotions as described, we strongly recommend finding professional support from an expert in treating trauma.

    In this section we also looked at anger. The questions dealing with anger were the second highest area of potential emotional arousal for individuals who score as you did. For your comparison, only 10-15% of individuals in the low range reported being critical or angry towards their partner “more often than not” or “always,” while 98% of individuals who score as you did reported being critical or angry with their partner “more often than not” or “always.”

    Emotional arousal (e.g. anger, anxiety, preoccupation) is very common for individuals dealing with betrayal trauma and at this time your answers would indicate that this is an area with which you are struggling. We would strongly recommend that you seek support to deal with the painful emotions you are experiencing.

    In addition, here’s a few suggestions that may be of help to you (Please note that we realize that these solutions are not easy to do when you are feeling so overwhelmed, however by doing these things you will be doing something for yourself which can aid in your healing and recovery):

    1. Create new habits to help you relax your anxious mind (e.g. meditation, mindful breathing)

    2. Participate in yoga

    3. Learn new strategies to help you avoid being hijacked by your partner’s behaviors.

    Below you can find some additional resources if you would like additional support.
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    Persistence of Symptoms
    Suggestions

    If you have been experiencing the symptoms listed in this assessment for months or even years this would indicate that your mind and body are not experiencing relief. You are experiencing trauma that is not diminishing and instead is constant or growing. For your health and well-being please consider participating in at least one of the following activities or events:

    1. Find a personal counselor

    2. Attend a 12-step group

    3. Find a sponsor

    4. Participate in an educational class (see class Healing From Betrayal Trauma)

    5. Develop a strategy or treatment plan for your personal healing
    -------------------------

    Functional Impairment
    Suggestions

    If you find that you are experiencing many of the symptoms listed in this assessment, that your fears are not going away, and that it is hard to function in other important areas of your life, please seek help. We know that this is a difficult time and thank you for having the courage to take this assessment.
     
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  18. May I ask if you'd be willing to share a link to the assessment or where to find it?
     
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  20. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Holy hell novibe I'd be afraid to take that test after your results and how much you are trying! I hope eventually you are in a better place emotionally somewhere down the line and you can take the same test with much more positive results! Hugs
     
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