novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. I have a suspicion this "new" trauma is magnified greatly by my earlier ones, but anyways... I hope to heal too.
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  2. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I kind of want my PA to take it too. Just to see what might be buried deeper .
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  3. My PTSD has become so bad and excruciating, that I finally booked myself an appointment with a PTSD/trauma therapist (EMDR certified too!), so... wish me luck! :) It starts in less than 2 weeks (because of holidays). I am taking this first step in my whole life to take care of myself for once. I deserve it!
  4. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Good luck Novibe. It really is true that you need to love yourself first!!
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Just checking in.
    We miss you.
  6. That's so nice to hear :)

    I have been "busy" soothing my traumas and finding help to heal those traumas :D

    So, I have finally taken a few days off work to get this therapy thing going. Yesterday I visited a general doctor for a "week off work paper" and he referred me to an occupational psychologist to *discuss* my stresses. He (the doctor) was a gentle, but ignorant old man, so, to remedy my stress, he prescribed sleeping pills. Of course I am NOT going to take any sleeping pills. My "sleeping problems" are because of nightmares and pre-sleep flashbacks, and because I don't like falling asleep beside my BF (trigger!), not because I have actual issues with falling asleep.

    Then there was a psychologist visit. OMG, what a waste of time and my company's money. She not only didn't help me with absolutely anything, but made the whole visit a nightmare and a trigger of it's own. Imagine a young (like half my age), slim, pretty, blonde woman in stiletto shoes. That was just the first trigger, but not the only. Then, when I openly shared with her that, when I entered her office, I was triggered and thinking about "Oh, how triggered my BF would get." Instead of comforting me right then, she smirked as if glad to have received a compliment. Immediately I thought "WTF! She is supposed to recognize that the triggers are re-traumatizing to me." Her reaction and total lack of support got me to a queasy state. Then she proceeded to instruct me on how to get rid of my soothing habits. Again, I thought "Whaaaa?!? My soothing habits are there for a reason! I soothe, because I need it. I will probably get rid of those habits, once I'm in an emotionally safe place, but not now." So, instead of addressing the root causes of soothing, she went after the only stuff that keeps me sane and surviving. CRAAAZY!

    BUT, not all is bad :) Today I visited that PTSD/trauma therapist (I mentioned earlier in my journal) and I am blown by her, her skills, her understanding and experience with "my type of cases." We spent the whole hour, and whatever time I "stole" from her, on going over my life experiences, that might have contributed to this latest trauma having such devastating effects on my mind and body. She was able to quickly figure stuff out without being told any of my own conclusions, like my mother's narcissism, my "love addiction", my seeking of unconditional love through challenging relationships and even sex, my avoidant father, etc. etc. I'm seeing her again in two days, and we may even try EMDR at the end of that session, IF I don't talk too much, which is very unlikely, especially with her being such a good listener :D .

    Otherwise, life continues. Kids are starting school on Thursday, so for them the holidays are almost over, and it sucks, because now the weather is finally summer-like here. For me, though, it will probably be a bit more difficult to have everyone around all the time, and having to hide my traumas from them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2017
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  7. I know, that this should not be here, in my journal, but I'm sure some of you would like to try something *cool* to shake up your mornings, or afternoons, or whenever :)
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And glad to hear you are taking "you" time
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  9. Maybe a family movie night is not all forgotten after all Will give it a try, and it's NOT because of my kids this time :emoji_astonished:
  10. I am getting help. I went to that trauma therapist and we already had 3 appointments, but it took all three just to go through my history (and there's a lot!). So, tomorrow and Thursday are the first actual therapy days. I am excited and scared at the same time. I also went to my work doctor. Got two more weeks off work and some anxiety medicine. Now I sleep 12 hours a day. Maybe I needed it. I sleep at strange hours. Sometimes all day, sometimes evening to 3-4 in the morning, but a lot. I think I have a serious depression with serious anxiety, so sleep is good. I am not getting out of the house enough. Basically only to my appointments, sometimes to buy smokes, and one time I went to see a friend. My only hygiene is sauna and cold shower two or three times a week. I need to improve on all those things.
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  11. Today was my first real EMDR therapy session. It was strange, but I'm still hopeful it will work. It MUST work! I don't exactly know HOW it works, but will do some research and post an update here. For now it looks like some brain-tricking-magic :) We started with my childhood traumas, so nothing about the latest and greatest yet. I cried like a baby. It was all about how unimportant my mother made me feel. She was, what I termed as, an UBER-narcissist. Basically, if you look up narcissism, she had ALL of the traits and fulfilled all of the types of narcissists out there, shy of psychopath. She made my life absolute hell. When she died in 2009, and I went out of the hospital room (where she just died) full of tears. A nurse came to comfort me only to be told by me that no, I am not sad, I am relieved that she is finally gone and unable to mind-fuck anyone else on this planet. The nurse was quite taken aback, but didn't say anything. This has been the most horrible story I can almost never tell anyone, because they would think I am such a horrible person for wishing my mother dead. Well, I did, but she caused it. As a kid I had recurring dreams of her dying. I would wake up so happy she was gone, but shortly after realizing that it was just a dream, I would feel both unhappy that she was still alive and very guilty for ever having such thoughts. Anyways, the therapy started with her and what she did to me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Tomorrow we continue. I feel like, when this weight is taken off my shoulders, I will be better prepared for facing other issues from my adult life, like betrayal trauma from my BF's PA, for example. I really want to separate them, so I don't blame him for all the shit my mother did to me, and I feel like I do that sometimes.
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  12. Today's EMDR session was a success. My therapist said it was a textbook good session. My vivid imagination helps a lot. I ended up totally reprogramming one of my first traumatic memories from childhood. On the way back home, when I thought about what happened during the session, I started to see Powerpuff Girl's image in my mind. I came out of that session as one of the Powerpuff Girls :D I had power over my memories and what my mother did to me. I really showed her! By the end of the session I felt so much personal power, that I didn't even wish to leave or have my mother leave the house (in my memory). I just went to my room more preoccupied with what exciting craft projects I was going to do there. I was no longer threatened by her presence there - I felt more pity for her than anger. That's power. I'm going to continue with the sessions until I can work through all the issues I can list. There is lots! After I am "done" with my mother and father, I will kick my teacher's butt, the one who sexually molested me. Then I will tackle my boyfriends, husbands, and bosses. Just watch me! :D
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2017
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    *high five*
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  14. I totally can relate. ***hugs***
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  15. THIS IS really so exciting and amazing!
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  16. Therapy aside, the relationship is definitely going through a crisis. My depression/trauma and his issues (avoidance, self-loathing, intimacy anorexia, reboot, etc.) are getting the best of us individually and result in a lot of fights, silent moments, no sex, anger. We are trying to survive, but it's hard. I feel like I am unable to be very loving or supportive. I definitely don't initiate sex as I used to, and since he never initiated, there's no sex. Since the reboot started some 150 days ago, we have had sex maybe 5 or 6 times :( Right before reboot it wasn't that frequent either, because I was already fed up with lack of intimacy coming from him, not knowing anything about his PA. Most of our "conversations" are just my rants, because he just sits there listening and not contributing much. When he does speak, it's defensive or angry, so a fight soon ensues. He is starting his therapy soon. Just a regular psychotherapy for now, but my EMDR therapist promised to help find him another EMDR person too. She said he sounds like he has a complex trauma, so similar to what I have. Probably some childhood stuff blocking him up completely from his emotions. My complex trauma manifests in love addiction and extreme lack of self care. His manifests in complete disconnection from his feelings and even thoughts, which results in social anxiety and an inability to share and connect with others. So, he is a 4 year old unsure of who/what he is at all, and I am a 13 year old hopeless romantic believing she is undeserving of any love or attention. Yup, shitty shitty!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2017
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  17. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

    This got me thinking --- I hate reading those memes on FB about how we all should spend time w our mothers b/c we never know when they will leave us --- blah blah blah. I understand that a mother's love (for many people) is, perhaps, the most reassuring, comforting feeling they ever have. BUT --- some people have been hurt horridly by their mother. I get THAT. My mother is still alive.

    Just wanted to reach out --- I have had EMDR too and it was helpful for many issues. I am now receiving some therapy for trauma with an approach called IFS (Internal Family Systems).

    I just realized yesterday via my therapist that when I have this sensation of being paralyzed (body literally not able to move and brain awake with FEAR), it could be a flashback. I have no real memory of ever being held down like that.

    Keep on plugging with taking care of yourself the best you can. I struggle with it too, and I don't get out of the house nearly as much as I *should*.
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  18. Yes, Mother's Day always annoys me with the glorifying of all mothers. I don't even like it for myself as a mother of three. I do let my kids express themselves as they want on that day, and they are so cute with hand-made cards and breakfast in bed :) But to me personally Mother's Day lost it's meaning looong time ago.
    EMDR just kind of started for me. I think I need many more sessions before I try something else. I want to take advantage of it while it works. I will definitely look into IFS, since I have never heard of it before.

    What you describe there about being paralyzed but awake with fear... I thought it was pretty common, not for me personally, but I have heard about that phenomenon quite often, when reading about sleep-related information. Maybe a flashback, maybe just one of those normal-but-strange things our bodies do?

    I have other "phobias", if you wish to call them that, and those are: I hate being touched by any adult (even a friend/boyfriend) in any way without permission, although when I ask for it, I love it; I also hate it when someone sits on my bed in such a way that squeezes the cover over me - that's when I feel helpless/paralyzed/fearful. I have some idea where these fears/"hates" came from, and will definitely try working through those in EMDR too. Let's just say, it's not easy being a young cute and pretty girl in a land of predatory men. Thankfully I am now big and :D so, while still reasonably attractive to people my age, the cuteness went away with time.

    I just realized how my lack of splitting writings into paragraphs makes my stuff a bit difficult to read (see previous posts). I am learning from you guys :)

    Self-care... Still not there :-( I need to work through some self-esteem and self-worth issues, I guess.
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  19. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

    The EMDR helped me a lot for many aspects of trauma. I wasn't suggesting trying something else; just sharing that I did that too, and now I found something else to help me further along. We are all on our own journey to figure out if/when we need professional help and what type of help, etc.

    I thought so too. I have read some things previously about this happening to the body in-between sleep/wake.

    My therapist got me thinking along those lines b/c I shared how my older sister became very promiscuous at age 12 --- I only knew that b/c my other (middle) sister told me about it and it probably traumatized my middle sister a bit b/c my mom used to make my oldest sister take my middle sister with her when she went out to hang out with friends (thinking that having her younger sister around would make the older sister behave). Well --- the older sister made my middle sister sit on the porch and be quiet while sex acts were happening inside with a softball coach and ??? (other older men). Yuck, yuck, yuck.

    I guess I may have blocked out some things, but I really don't think so. Unless they happened to me as a baby and I was held down?

    Best of luck with EMDR and sending some "self-love" vibes your way. Hope today is a good day for you!
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