novibe's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jun 26, 2017.

  1. Today was not a good day...

    Started with me being woken up too late to get myself ready for a special parent day at school. I can't really hear alarm clocks, so that's why the need for someone else to wake me. Then I spent 4 hours in an environment full of 13-16 year olds being triggered left and right imagining how much my BF would be triggered there. I was trying hard to look at all of them with as much love as possible, but couldn't make it.

    While I was there, I sent a NoFAP message to my BF (yes, we have a convo going on here, when it's difficult to talk in real life) asking him to go read my posts. Some time ago we decided not to follow each other on here, because it only created misunderstandings and led to fights. I thought we need to communicate somehow, and since our face-to-face communication is so thwarted, I thought he could catch up by seeing what I'm writing here and on other people's threads. Then I suggested we talk about it, when I get back home.

    Well... that did not go so well. After just a short attempt at a conversation, right at the time I was reminding him how his PA made me feel, he just blew up! I mean, he started stomping, shouting, blaming me for dismissing his point of view. I basically just asked him to leave the balcony, where we were. Doesn't he get it??? Me telling him how I feel has nothing to do with dismissing his recollection/experience/memory/feelings. So, we constantly fight and argue stupidly, because my experience is different from his. That's so utterly stupid! My trauma shoots through the roof after these episodes. Today I just went to sleep for some 5-6 hours after that (quite much time not really sleeping, because of my mind racing).

    Now he apologized for the shouting and behaves like I'm supposed to just move on. Started telling me how I could spend time with my son this evening. I can't! I'm frozen again. I feel hopeless about his recovery and my life in general. Sobriety has NOTHING to do with recovery. The past 5 months have really been an eye-opening experience for me.
     
    Bel likes this.
  2. Bel

    Bel Fapstronaut
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    Oh wow @novibe the last few posts were a lot to read. I hope my pa isn't advising yours on how to do anything bc all mine has done is proclaim how great I was to help him but he's not interested in mending any of the shit he did the past 5 years.....bc I'm not who I was when we met anymore....well no fucking shit, get mind raped over and over and try staying the same. I'm so glad the therapy is going good. Maybe I need to go, but sadly mine would all be traumas received at the hands of the pa.
    I wish you the best and I hope if the relationship is what you truly want it becomes more of what the 2 of you need.
     
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  3. Funny you should mention that. Right after I wrote my post I asked my BF for a talk about his "involvement" with yours, because, after reading your latest journal entries, I got a bit apprehensive about how your situation may influence mine... since they have been talking privately here. It was also interesting to hear my BF's perspective (based on their talks) of your situation. It was basically summarized in one sentence "They decided to break up, then they had sex, and now his head is spinning in confusion." I thought WOW, what a difference in how you both recount the same stuff.

    I then asked him whether he thought finding a more mentor-like accountability partner would be better for him. Also, at the time they became APs for each other, my BF's ability to help someone else wasn't that great either. He agreed.

    At least we were not fighting tonight. He just went to bed, but I still feel frozen, so will be up for a while.
     
  4. LizzyBlanca

    LizzyBlanca Fapstronaut

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    Truth.

    Sobriety is good as a 1st step, but ... well... you know the drill.

    Sorry today was a bad day. Hope tomorrow is better.
     
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  5. I *just* MOed... Like 3 times within 5 minutes. No fantasy (well, a little, about my BF doing it to me), just RPMs from novibe's vibe. It was fast, like seconds! I feel bad, sad, lonely, like "single-mode" again. It was purely a frustrated release. I feel like crying now... This no-sex thing is making me retreat.
     
  6. Justintrojan

    Justintrojan Fapstronaut

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    Hey novibe - I loved this post. My mother also really fucked me up and when she died I was glad. What does EMDR stand for and how do I get more info on it? Thanks and great work.
     
  7. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. You take a traumatic experience (or representation of it) from your past, and then you go over it multiple times, while the therapist is making you follow their finger with your eyes. It tricks your brain into REM-like state, even though you are completely conscious. You use your innate imagination to re-program the traumatic scene to a non-traumatic one. It works! emdr.com has more info.
     
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  8. So, a bit of an update on therapy and relationship stuff.

    Yesterday's therapy was all talk and no EMDR. It was goooood. It was supposed to be an EMDR one, but somehow I started talking about my concerns with my situation nowadays, so we ended up having what I called a "couple's therapy for one".

    We addressed the ways I communicate, because I said I never get what I need/want in my close relationships. I noticed, and a few of my close friends did too, that I give a completely false first impression of myself to others. I don't want to do that, but the defensive mechanisms I learned in childhood just cause me to put on this tough mask. The mask is partially true, but not completely. What I mean is, over time I have acquired a lot of the skills/traits that constitute my mask, but my mask is NOT who I am ONLY. So, my mask is this independent, tough, tom-boy, confident, strong, can-do-everything, never-needs-help, self-reliant woman. Well, some of it is true, if not all, but I'm still hiding the little, feminine girl, who definitely needs attention and help sometimes, who feels very girly, who likes a proactive partner, who likes to feel sexy and womanly, who is romantic, etc. I am all those things, but mostly on the inside, so people don't see it. I don't want to lose the traits I fought so hard to get (the mask), because they are useful and very needed in life sometimes. But I want my FULL SELF to shine through too. I don't always want to just "do it myself". I don't always want to be tough and strong. I don't always want to take charge. I want a strong partner who can see the softer side of me and let me be a girl, protect me, take care of my feelings, finds me sexy and feminine.

    Well, it turns out I was digging my own grave ALL BY MYSELF. The way I communicated with my BF was often totally counter-productive to what I wanted out of him and our relationship. I always did that, even before I met him. No wonder I always found myself frustrated and eventually alone. I always MADE IT, GOT IT, DID IT, SUCCEEDED, but BY MYSELF. I didn't want that! I wanted to always share it with someone else, but didn't know how.

    We also talked about how some of the habits/behaviors I mentioned, I picked up from my mother. I KNOOOW! The narcissistic one! Nooooooooooo! I do see them in myself sometimes and I hate them. Thankfully the therapist said those are just habits, easy to change. She said I definitely am not, in her opinion, narcissistic. Uffff! That's a relief...

    So, to remedy the immediate crisis situation at home (the fighting, the exhaustion, the lack of intimacy, etc.), my BF and I are supposed to take 3 weeks "holidays" from talking about our relationship. Just living normally during that time: no fighting, no nagging, no checking in, no lengthy "our relationship sucks" conversations into morning hours. I totally agreed with her, when I actually thought about it. How could we have had an environment of developing any intimacy in this kind of stress-filled, basically toxic situation. No way!

    So, last night we talked about that a bit (NOT about the relationship problems this time ;-) ). He totally agreed that something has to change, because he was already exhausted by our recent way of relating. He was a bit apprehensive about HOW we can suddenly just NOT talk about our feelings. I assured him that we still can, but we definitely should keep all the anger, blaming, frustrations, etc., outside of our relationship, at least for a while. We can talk to a therapist, a friend, anyone else, but keep the most toxic stuff out of our own interactions.

    It seemed to have worked almost immediately. No, we didn't have sex yet, but we cuddled before falling asleep. I know how important touch is for him. He seemed so relieved and content. I felt very happy about that :)
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Wow... Just wow
    *Hugs*
     
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  10. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    great progress, @novibe doesn't it feel good when you learn new stuff like that about yourself? so happy your BF responded well too.
     
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  11. Thanks, guys! It does feel good indeed :)
     
  12. Frustrated!!! Sexually frustrated, at that... The cuddling is nice, until some of the things he does get me aroused, and then he doesn't follow through. I don't want to now start avoiding cuddling, because of fear of ending up frustrated. We both need that closeness, especially him.

    We talked about it today. I really hope this little, civilized talk is not going to get him too scared to cuddle.
     
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  13. I'm feeling low again. Nothing I do, propose, talk about, ask for, cry about, nag about, beg for, seems to work. I am at a loss of ideas... The "holiday from relationship problems" idea worked for about two days (almost). He is unable to NOT get defensive and selfish and in-his-head about even the smallest of things. It's exhausting. I can't talk to him about anything, I can't be silent either. I feel stuck. He leaves, I cry. He comes, I freeze. He makes me feel guilty for even existing... I don't know what to do or think or even feel. It's like he is sober, but totally in an addict mode all the time. "Dry drunk" was the expression.

    Today I was thinking how his PA affected every aspect of my life. From not being able to leave the house to feeling like a prisoner in my own home. I can't even run around in my underwear in my own house. I cover myself so completely, because I feel horrible about my body. When he looks at me, he either has this "roommate" look or he unconsciously scans my body like I am some object. It never feels good and loving and appreciative.

    I want to feel special! I want to feel free! I want to feel OK...
     
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  14. I can relate to this one 100% and I hate it. Follow through!!! Why is that so difficult! They are just clueless sometimes...seriously!
     
  15. I asked him. He admitted it was because HE WAS IN HIS OWN HEAD AGAIN!!! Not thinking about how/what I am feeling. It's always HIM HIM HIM! He then bought me flowers... for what? He always buys me flowers when I am upset... never "just because". The flowers now remind me of the bad stuff.
     
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  16. MOed again... How ironic! He is rebooting and I am becoming an MO addict myself. What rationalizations will I use? Depression? Lack of sex? Loneliness? Anxiety? Feeling the need to? What? All of the above?
     
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  17. Yup I get to same point. Then feel like a hypocrite. But when I do it it doesn't take away from our sex life so I feel it's kind of a different circumstance..
     
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  18. It is all so devestating. We should feel celebrated and wanted. Not invisible.
     
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  19. I thought so too, especially that I don't use P, I don't fantasize about anything other than HIM, if at all.
    My libido has always been high. I think, when I was younger, I was a kind of sex/love addict myself, in a way, that I associated love with sex AND got all my self-worth from it. So yeah, I did have a skewed way of thinking... Actually, I think I am still there... :-(
     

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