novibe's Journal

I really appreciate you being this transparent about your experience. I have no doubt my ex-wife felt this way on so many occasions. What really hurts me to think about is that my ex-wife used to really enjoy sex, but my behavior made sex such a overwhelmingly traumatic issue in our marriage that she now has to 'relearn' how to enjoy it, which could take a very long time. It's a good reminder for me of how personally destructive this addiction is.

I think it's important not to shame yourself too much for MO. I'm under the impression that he's the addict, not you. You only have to rationalize the behavior if you've already made the conclusion that it's off-limits for you. Personally, I can't do it, because if I MO once, I'll do it 6x a day. Your story may be very different. However ...

... I will say that I disagree with the notion that sex is a need. I was just talking with another SO about this recently. If you frame sex as a need, then yes--those rationalizations will seem justified. Feeling unwanted or depressed? Then by all means, MO and knock yourself out. But just be aware that "sex is a need" is also the mindset that gives the addict license to meet his needs in any way possible.

*sigh*, welcome to my life. I know this feeling all too well.

 

. Hi @novibe. I don't want to "pile on" but I would like to add a bit to what @SuperFan said. One of things us PAs learn is that we have used pmo too keep from feeling stuff. There's lots of medications available to numb, we choose the dopamine/porn option. Part of recovery is learning the feelings just need to be felt... And processed.

All that to say, the mo isn't something to beat yourself up over, if it's just a thing. If it's a way to hide from the pain for a bit, or numb the feelings, then it's worthy of some thought. Same if you were getting hammered, or any other way to avoid the feelings.

I'm truly sorry for the crap your working through. But huge kudos being so up front and transparent.

 

I definitely have elements of love addiction in my makeup. Especially in high school and college, I totally had romantic obsessions. I lived and breathed R&B music--it was the heyday of Boyz II Men back then. Cracks me up, since I'm an incurable rock & roll addict these days and haven't listened to R&B in years. But those were the messages I absorbed--life was all about finding 'the one', that cosmic, magical relationship with a 'soulmate' that would fulfill all my dreams and desires, and me for hers. Virtually every movie I saw growing up had that as at least an indirect theme, if not a primary one.

And you're right--it totally sets you up for failure. For me, at least--whenever I found myself in a relationship where there was disagreement or friction of any kind, my reaction was to think, "well, this wouldn't be happening if she was the right person for me." So I'd get complacent and bail, or she would break it off. I never really had the maturity to consider that maybe healthy relationships involve conflict resolution and compromise.

I attend between four and six 12-step meetings each week, and at least one of those is usually a SLAA meeting (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). It's good to be in a room full of people who understand the romantic obsession side of things.

I'm really glad to hear that you're discovering this and working on it before you get married. Your future self is going to be incredibly thankful!

 

Um, you mean like this one?



Doesn't help that 1) it's my favorite all-time song, 2) my favorite 80's movie, and 3) I relate more to Lloyd Dobler than any character in cinema. Damn you Cameron Crowe and Peter Gabriel for making me believe in soulmates!

 

Always applies.

 

Awesomeness

 

The snarky "find a relatable link STAT" guy in me is very proud of you for this.

 

I'm so proud you're proud of me

 

Love it! I've definitely been known to enjoy some latin love music myself:

 

Sorry to have gotten us on a tangent. Now I'm on YouTube looking at all the sidebar videos of 90's ballads and I realize I had zero chance of not becoming a love and sex addict, lol. This thread could easily become a video jukebox, but I'm resisting the temptation since this is @novibe's journal.

Richard Marx, Bryan Adams, Roxette, Heart, George Michael ... I had no idea how much the deck was stacked against me.

 

Well your tangent got me thinking...
The most freaking romantic thing I ever received was a tape, yeah dating myself, a guy made for me with a note saying he always thought of me whenever he heard them. The best on that tape....Peter Gabriel "Your eyes".....never even slept with this guy...wanted to but things never could work out oddly enough. I flashback everytime I hear this song. ***sigh*** good times, uncomplicated times.