Now do you understand how it feels? (spouse of a PA)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BetterThanYourHand, Feb 26, 2018.

  1. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    Whenever I see a hot guy on TV, in a movie, on a billboard, or if I hear on a podcast that a guy is nice looking, I google him to see what he looks like and if he has any nudes that I can look at.

    I understand that there are lots of nude women that are easy to find on the internet, and nude actors are more difficult to find, but I can guarantee almost any hot guy I google will have pictures with his shirt off. That’s what I will start with to get me turned on and in the mood.

    After that I will go to Pornhub and watch porn with very attractive men getting fucked. I will enjoy looking at their tight abs, muscular arms and big cocks. Male porn stars also have makeup and airbrushing done, so they are made to look perfect for me, but I don’t care about that, as long as they look good and can get me off it doesn’t matter.

    I will use these perfect men every time I get off. My brain will start to crave only these men, because they are the only ones getting me off. I will equate sexual satisfaction with these other men. Soon I will start to be more critical of how you look. I will compare your chest, arms and cock size, and I will start thinking of how these men look better than you. Because of my way of thinking, I will no longer want to have sex with you because you don’t look like the men who get me off. They are perfect, and they satisfy me every time. My attraction to you will get less and less as my needs are now being met through more attractive men than you. I will stop showing you any kind of affection because there’s no point if I don’t even want to have sex with you. I don’t want it to lead to something else, or give you expectations of me because I am content with my solo sex life and the beautiful men readily accessible at my fingertips. We will no longer be connected through any kind of intimacy. We will live platonically. I will do this to you for 4-5 months at a time. I will make you feel shame for wanting to have sex with me, even though I know that’s what normal couples do, but if I shame you enough then you won’t try as much and I can be left alone to get off with other men, because I like them better than you.

    You will start to feel self conscious about your body. You will start to notice little flaws that you never cared about before. Your stretch marks, your arms, your belly, your cock size. You will feel less like a man. You will make the correlation between my frequent viewing of perfect men, and my lack of interest in you. You will start to ask yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why aren’t I enough?” “Why would she rather get pleasure from these other men, when I am ready and willing to be with her and I love her?”

    My lack of affection and interest in having sex with you will start to drive you crazy. It will make you paranoid. You will question what I’m doing every time I leave the room or the house, or whenever I enter the bathroom with my phone. You will think that every time I take a shower that I will masturbate to porn before I get in the shower.

    You tell me your feelings and how I am hurting you, but I don’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing. We argue about it and I threaten that I’m going to go out and fuck a man that I actually want to fuck, which further validates that I am not attracted to you anymore and that I want to be with someone else. It makes sense to you, since I have no interest in having sex with you at all. This does not help your paranoia since your biggest fear has now been confirmed by the woman you love. There could be some truth to my words, or I could be making empty threats just to hurt you, but you will never be sure because I no longer make you feel desired or cherished. I am cold and disconnected from you, so your worst case scenario makes more sense to you and fits with my lack of affection and sexual attraction to you.

    You know that I am capable of love because I tell our children how much I love them and shower them with affection all the time. I make the effort with them because they are worth it. You aren’t jealous of our children getting love and affection from me, you are happy that I’m such a good mother, but inside you wish I could be a more loving and affectionate spouse like I am with the children.

    When I see attractive men in person I wonder what they would look like without their clothes on. You are not special. You are just another man that I can say that I saw nude. I’ve seen thousands of men nude, and I’m desensitized to the vulnerability that you may feel being nude in front of me. We are not bonding over you giving yourself to me, I don’t hold you on a pedestal, I just want to see you nude for my own enjoyment. You may wonder what I look like nude because I expect it of you, but I will never show you. You suspect that my resistance to being vulnerable with you is because I don’t truly love you and won’t reveal myself enough to be free with you. You may be right.

    Sometimes while I’m looking up nude men I briefly think about how if you found out you would be upset and tell me that I’m hurting you. That makes me get mad at you, because I don’t like that you have some influence on my thinking, and I want to do whatever I want to do. I start arguments with you and get mad at you for whatever reason I can think of at the moment, because then I can justify looking at other men and “allow” myself to enjoy them. I can blame you as the reason that I seek out other men. It’s your fault because you are a jerk to me. I work hard everyday and contribute more to this family than you do, so it’s my right to do whatever I want without consequences. I would rather masturbate to these men than have sex with you because you act this way. I’m not hurting anyone, you are just a paranoid idiot. I’m not out there cheating on you am I?

    Even though we have only had sex an average of once every 5 months for the past 2 years, it’s your fault. I hate when you play the victim card and act like I’m neglecting you. You are the reason we don’t have sex anymore, I’ve done nothing wrong so why would I make the effort to make things better between us? This is all on you and how you act.

    The times that we do have sex are much like the porn that I watch. I’ve learned mostly how to have sex through the videos I see. I do not make love. I only have sex to get off. I want to try the positions that I’ve seen in porn, but when you don’t understand how to do them it pisses me off because it ruins my fantasy. You feel ashamed because you don’t understand what is in my head, but you don’t watch porn so how could you know what I’m imagining? I will not give you oral sex because I don’t like it, and I don’t need to make myself do it even though you might like it. It’s too intimate and that doesn’t work for me. I gave you what you’ve been wanting for 5 months now and I hope you don’t bother me again for awhile. Even though I do enjoy having sex with you, it’s too much work to take a shower or make the effort. Besides, it wouldn’t be perfect or magical, and that is what I’m used to watching so that is what I want in real life.

    I would rather be with my perfect men on my phone because it doesn’t require anything on my end. You are excited that we’ve finally had a “connection” and you look forward to having sex again and the affection that follows. You feel a ray of hope that things might be getting better between us because we had sex, but I only had sex with you to shut you up and you know that.

    Another 5 months have gone by and nothing else has happened. You will spiral further into a depressive hopeless state. No matter how attractive you try to make yourself for me, I’m just not interested anymore. Your dignity and self esteem is hanging by a very thin thread, and you are on the verge of something. You don’t know what yet, but you can feel it slowly taking over your way of thinking and being. You are becoming a person you never thought you would become. Sometimes I tell you how miserable you make me and how unhappy I am. I don’t understand that you are unhappy too and I don’t really care because that will just bring my mood down, and I don’t want to feel responsible for making you miserable. I’ve already checked out and disconnected from you.

    The men I look at on my phone are only there for my pleasure, I do not need to give them anything or talk to them. I like that better than real interactions because it’s easier for me than having to deal with issues in real life. I need you, but I do not want you.

    Your sadness makes you sink lower and lower. It hurts you so deeply to know that not only do I not want to have sex with you anymore, but I actually prefer having sexual experiences with gorgeous men on the internet instead.

    You are almost at your rock bottom, you don’t know how much more of this “friend zone” or painful rejection and neglect you can take. Why have you been faithful to someone who cares nothing about your needs? Why waste your life just waiting for her to change when she doesn’t want to? Why put forth the effort if she won’t try to make things better too? Why love someone with all of your heart and soul, if they can’t love you back the same way?

    You are a shell of the person you used to be. You can’t eat much anymore; you are withering away and slowly dying from the inside out. You don’t sleep much. You just close your eyes, forcing yourself to believe that you are still needed in some way so that you still have a reason to be here, but there’s too much pain. You don’t want to exist anymore. Your soul aches too much and the pain is almost unbearable. You are not loved. You are not wanted. You tell yourself to hold on, just a little bit longer, things will get better...but you don’t even believe the words that you tell yourself anymore.
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    Nailed it. This deserves a mic drop.
    The only thing missing for me is having it taken into real life acting out.
    Brittsyboos, Sadgirl, Mr. E and 5 others like this.
  3. Xander74

    Xander74 Fapstronaut

    Wow, just wow. Every PA* at any stage should read this. Great post.

    Edit*every PA in a relationship, and single guys please note this is what you'll put the woman of your dreams through if you bring PA into a marriage/ relationship.
    I've been through a tough patch and this post has given the drive and inspiration to carry on. Thanks again..
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2018
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Spectacular . That had to be really hard to write . It’s not easy sitting in those thoughts . You articulated the point you were trying to share perfectly. I know my SO would flip his shit if he thought for a moment I was doing any of those things . Bravo . Hugs
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    This was the most Amazing post I've read on NoFap. Just Brilliant (that's coming from a writer) honestly, if there was a place to post this anonymously on a writers site or mag I would say submit it because it's that good! The truth, the pain, the wording, just amazing. Are you a writer by chance?

    @Jak3 Read this. This is my reality. Imagine it. Please.
  6. planters1987

    planters1987 Fapstronaut

    I really need to get my shit together. I see it through my wife's eyes. I'm sorry I made her feel that way. I'm sorry I make her feel that currently. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I'm not that far gone, but I know i'm hurting her, and that not why i married her. I promised to never hurt her intentionally, and I don't think pmo is intentional, but after reading this, it will now be intentional. I have to fight for her. I have to fight for love.

    thanks for the kick in the balls. hell of a motivator
    TheBigWin, Torn, hope4healing and 6 others like this.
  7. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I’m not a writer but I use it as an outlet to help me cope. I have lots of notes that I’ve written over the past two years. I like to remember how I’m feeling in the moment, because sometimes I forget and I get taken advantage of or hurt again. I’ve never posted anything publicly before, and I was really nervous about posting something so raw, but I feel comfortable knowing that I’m not alone and there is support out there.
    Freefrom, BB7378, Kenzi and 8 others like this.
  8. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    I love that you are making the effort to fight for your wife. She is worth it and you are too. Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and I hope that everything works out for both of you!
    TheBigWin and hope4healing like this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Oh wow....
  10. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    This has me bawling like a baby.
    Absolutely perfect.
    Painfully perfect.
  11. ThatGirlMarceline

    ThatGirlMarceline Fapstronaut

    Very beautifully written and spot on for me. I really appreciate you writing this and sharing this.
  12. MovingFoward86

    MovingFoward86 Fapstronaut

    @BetterThanYourHand. I am a husband and father. An admitted PA and in my first real reboot of my life after spending most of it looking at porn. My wife showed me this post today and after reading it I feel destroyed. I am hating myself for what I have done. It is not as though I did not already know these things, I did and am extremely sorry for what I've done. But seeing this written the way you have just made me see it more clearly. I love my wife and my family and am still trying to understand how I was able to put anything, let alone porn before them. I am encouraging other PA's with SO's to read this because on top of all our other flaws we as PA's have trouble with empathy and understanding what our SO's are going through. Thank you for writing this. As painful as it was to read, it was still very well written and should be published. I hope this helps me understand more of what my wife is feeling and maybe some day she will be able to forgive me for the pain I have caused. The only problem is at this point it is hard to believe that some one, like myself, who could cause so much pain should even be forgiven.
  13. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    This I could of helped me better understand. My shit 20 years ago when I got married. Sad that I never even F in knew. I was such a chump . Self disappointment I'm sorry ladies. I promise to teach my 6 son's this. I'm raising, someone's future husband. Anyways thank you for an eye opener.
  14. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    That was very powerful. You really put different perspective, different spin. I've seen few videos where it describes how bad we PA hurt our woman "it's like taking an Uzi and shooting her up." In one of the articles that I read explained what we as PA destroy in the relationship and in our women, and broken down point be point. That we destroy her trust, her view of a man she thought she married, her trust in her judge of character(because she thought she chose right marrying) and ect. The way you out it is totally different and it's shows a different point view. That's why I do tell my wife that's I would never be able even image how much pain I've caused.
  15. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    Is it okay if I share this?
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.
  16. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

    Kenzi and BetterThanYourHand like this.
  17. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

    This is perfection!
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.
  18. Not bad but not perfection. The narrative still gives off the impression that the addict "enjoys" what their doing even at the expense of their SO's health or that they're completely oblivious to what they're doing to their SO. The real fucked up part of addiction, which isn't expressed in any of your writing but I'm sure has been felt by every PA here who's trying to stop, is the terrifying feeling of complete hopelessness. The feeling you get from a brain that feels hijacked and one which takes you continuously on a ride you absolutely despise but yet feel compelled to take even though you see it rip apart everything and everyone you love and care about. But you can't explain this to your SO because they just continue to see your actions as malicious because they cant understand such a slavery having never been through it. It's a pain that makes every day a living hell for everyone.
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @Scoundrel I see what you are saying, and yes addicts are suffering. I think the point of This post was to show PA's how it feels on The Other Side.

    Would you really be able to put yourself in all the SO's shoes and be okay? Would you think "Oh she constantly cheats on me, but she has an addiction and is suffering, that's okay, I'll keep supporting them and love them and shove my pain down because, well they are addicted, they can't help it. It's not like they want to hurt me."

    Also addicts can help it once they realize they are addicted and learn coping skills.So once DDay and therapy has happened, if shit is still happening, well that's a choice at that point. May not be in the beginning.

    Remember this post is to show PA's how we SO's feel. I think we all know that addicts don't want to be addicted and ruin their lives and the people's lives around them. But porn addiction is very different from other addictions, and so this addiction pretty much is a knife that is plunged into our backs into our heart and twisted. It destroys us.

    Can you not feel empathy for the damage caused to the SO by the PA?
    BetterThanYourHand and Numb like this.
  20. Yes, I understand the point of the thread.

    I'm not advocating we jump from one extreme to another. In any relationship there needs to be boundaries and communication. The very real slavery the PA is going through does not give them an excuse to mistreat their SO. I would never advocate that it does. What I'm saying is if SO's and PA's are going to co-exist then they need to better understand each others pain and the example of the PA in the OP really seems to be more the attitude of a PA who's still in denial rather than of one who's accepted they have a problem and are working on recovery.

    It could be a choice and it could be that the coping mechanisms aren't working and changes need to be made in the program or in the PA's choice of therapist.

    Again, I have not forgotten the point of this thread. I'm well aware of the difference between addictions, but I'm also aware that differences do not make one more worse than the other. Have you had your PA SO die of an overdose to porn? Have you lost the house, clothes, and cars to your PA's habit like those who gamble?

    I can feel it because I've been on both sides of it. It's a sad place to be where there are no winners.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2018
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.

Share This Page