1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Now do you understand how it feels? (spouse of a PA)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BetterThanYourHand, Feb 26, 2018.

  1. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    Fair, but most addicts who are still in pmo fog, still in denial etc. don't listen or talk or respect boundaries. They get defensive, shut down, and blame, which shuts down the lines of communication.

    Fair, I think most SO's are shellshocked and want to understand. All SO's I know went out and did their research and understand the addiction as best as they can. And for SO's like me who have struggled with their own addictions, they might even really truly understand the pain of addiction. Just because I wasn't a PMO addict doesn't mean I won't understand the emotions and drives underneath because I did the same thing with my own addictions in the past.

    The thing is, the PA usually isn't doing much, there are some PA's who are really motivated like @TryingHard2Change (just had to mention you because honestly your efforts are really to be admired and are an example that others should look to). But when the PA is not interested in getting healthy there is no way to meet in the middle, there is no empathy from the addict only anger.

    True, but here is the thing, if the addict gets help and uses again, and again, and again, and they don't do something to change it, it's a choice. I speak from my own addictions and experience. If I didn't want to get better nothing was going to make me change. And that is a choice. So if my therapist wasn't working or the coping skills weren't work ing or hell even being tried, that is on me. That is on the addict. They can change therapists, google coping skills, throw themselves in, make sure there is no way to use, or they can be passive.

    For me, I learned a lot, and I applied what I learned 100%. I didn't want to be swallowed and hurt the people I love because of a stupid addiction.




    Actually.... well PA's can be just as destructive. It depends on the person and their level of destruction. I know a PA who lost the love of his life. He would PMO every time she left the apartment. How would he? A device, and when just PMO wasn't enough he added in alcohol, then cocaine, then mixed them all together.... and what about the PA's on here who spend thousands of dollars on escorts or cam girls? Or the PA's who lose their jobs because they use at work? PA is highly destructive, just like other addictions. You can lose everything because of PMO, it's very possible, if the PA keeps spiraling, needing more of a high, and risking their lives (family, job, house, car, etc.). Not all PA's reach that level of destruction, just like not all alcoholics go out and kill someone in a drunk driving accident. It's a spectrum, but there are those on the dangerous end like the PA I know who lost everything aside from his job that I mentioned above.
     
  2. Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I agree with everything you've written and just wanted to say I appreciated reading it.
     
  3. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I agree with the @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, as a PA I understood what she tried to say. In my opinion, I think she was trying to say, not necessarily exact every thought that goes through PA head, but what SO thinks goes through PAs head. How she thinks he sees her, what he thinks and feels, without disregard for her feelings. How she sees him being selfish and inconsiderate, as he is. How she feels unwanted and undesirable cause of his action.

    As a PA I can tell you that I was oblivious to what I was doing to her and I did enjoy what I was doing, while I was doing it. It wasn't until this last DDay where I hit rock bottom, and then finally decided to learn about this addiction and what it did to my wife. Through my research, I found tons of information that showed me and explained to me the other side and perspective. I learned that because of my addiction I hurt my wife, not only lying about it but also by ignoring her and making her feel undesirable.

    I finally started to get her trust back a little and she started to open up to me. I'm gonna post here her confession, from which I learned even more about the pain and suffering I caused.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...nal-s-o-side-of-it.155027/page-6#post-1340597

    Also as a PA I can't say that I ever felt hopeless when I was doing PM, I didn't really think that much, just wanted to get a "fix." Even when I got caught I didn't really felt hopeless, I felt sorry for what I did and in the way sorry for getting caught.

    I also never heard anyone overdose like on drugs, or anyone lose house and cars like from gamble, but I did hear a lot of stories where PA lost the wife, kids, the house, and the job because of Porn and sex addiction. Also, a lot of PAs pay subscriptions for porn and spend thousands of dollars for porn.

    I know this addiction is not same as alcoholism, drugs, or gamble, but people did lose a lot of cause of it.
     
  4. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    157
    393
    63
    I'm completely destroyed by his set back tonight. Going to email him this in the morning. If he discloses that is. If not I guess I wait it out in agony.
     
  5. Excellent, bro! Do it, whatever it takes. It is that important. Living a life is pa is death, and this post captured it brilliantly.
     
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.
  6. Oh man, your wife's post, wow. I am so happy for you that you both hung in there, and that you have used it as a motivator. Right on. Congrats.
     
  7. Cowboy1

    Cowboy1 Fapstronaut

    39
    50
    18
    In my new walk I have learned a lot about my addictions. Not only PMO the other as well. Here's what I think my wife seen or heard. I was telling my SO is that this addiction gets me and it understands me more then you ever will. (Gosh really what a dick I have been) I have a renew love for her a more twnder heart for her and patients. To man up and see my delusion I took leaving her empty never giving 100%. Now the warrior in me is awake. This NoFap site is been such a helpful tool a blessing for me to heal and walk with my head held high. I have to say I really appreciate everyone's honesty no lies just truth.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2018
  8. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    8
    91
    13
    Yes please do, I hope it helps
     
    Cowboy1 likes this.
  9. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    8
    91
    13
    I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this, if you are making the effort to change then you absolutely deserve forgiveness. People (men and women) make mistakes, but putting yourself in another’s shoes makes it easier to forgive and move forward. I only wrote this because I wanted him to see...I needed him to understand from my perspective too, so that he would know the feelings behind why I act the way I do now. I wish all the best for you both.
     
    MovingFoward86 and Cowboy1 like this.
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    Did your SO read it ?? I’m curious his thoughts ?
     
  11. BetterThanYourHand

    BetterThanYourHand Fapstronaut

    8
    91
    13
    He read it. He didn’t say anything to me for awhile after, but later on he got mad at something and told me it was stupid and I had everything all wrong. He doesn’t like feeling like the bad guy but I’m tired of walking on egg shells all the time and he needed to know how I felt, even if he doesn’t like it. I wish he was more empathetic. I was hoping for some kind of apology or even a heartfelt hug but it just didn’t happen. At least my feelings are out there and it made me feel better writing it.
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    Well I’m sure all the PA and SO thoughts absolutely validated you xoxo
     
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.
  13. MovingFoward86

    MovingFoward86 Fapstronaut

    98
    139
    63
    @BetterThanYourHand.
    Thank you for your support. I whole heatedly believe you will have the strength to get through this whatever you decide. I just hope your SO is able to look within himself and find his weakness. Once he is able to admit his faults he will be able to start his recovery. This of course is not easy to do and unfortunately there is very little you can do to help him. I wish him luck in his recovery and to you as well. However, based on what I have read I am sure you will be alright in the end. I do hope that you continue to write and share your emotions, not only does it help but you also have quite the talent for it. Keep it up and stay strong.
     
    BetterThanYourHand likes this.
  14. Xander74

    Xander74 Fapstronaut

    93
    124
    33
    In my experience this is the porn brain speaking, being found out and being shown how you’ve made others feel provokes a defensive reaction when confronted with the truth. The pause in communication means his PA brain can’t think quickly enough to react, leading to frustration that comes out as gaslighting/ denial/ anger. Rational reasoning will come after few weeks PMO free and the fog clears. Then, for me at least, remorse sets in and healing can begin.
     
    Torn, BetterThanYourHand and Jagliana like this.
  15. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Wow, great narration. The approach is very effective.

    But remember all generalisations are false.

    I truly care and hence responding with some points
    1) There is no statuatory warning about addiction on any porn today. This must be addressed.
    No PA character depicted in a mainstream movie. No awareness through mainstream yet.
    SO's who dont mind their parnter's PMO must be made aware how unhealthy PMO is to brain
    2) Porn Addiction is a disease. It is NOT merely an ethical/moral/behavior/religuous issue.
    Morality, Religion could help fighting it. But the scientific understanding and method is KEY.
    3) An ailing person cannot be tendered by a relative who is torn by the ailment
    I had seen cancer patients tormented by their SO's because the cancer tears the SO as well.
    4) Mistakes committed from the position of strength/control and the position of weakness/helplessness aren't same
    There is a prejudice that men who are not so good become PA. Another steriotype. Generalization. Oversimplification. Having a great life partner is NOT an entitlement, it needs meticulous work, at highest among priorities.

    My story below only to give context (OPTIONAL to read)

    I know my SO for 19 years. She knew my PMO and did not mind. She had told me it is ok for me to have sexual experience with someone else. She would absolutely hate me only if I offend, bother or hurt someone. And I am of same stand. We however hadn't tried other partners.
    I am strong and never get addicted to habits that my family doesnt like. I never understood addiction and had intolerance to people's addicition (my family members involving addiction felt that I am arrogant).
    The amount of intimacy between us is something only next to what a mom/kid would have. Since 5 years ago my SO got genuinely preoccupied and obsessed with some stuff (to keep story short). I was neglected. I felt lonely and resorted to PMO, for daily dosage. I also relied on my LMT for stress relief. My job pays very handsome and comes with pressure and hard work.
    2016 I had an episode of depression. Tests showed low Vit-D and addressed it.
    This winter I introspected the changes in me. I lost gratitude, the core of my nature. I was distracted, frustrated, restless, checking out every woman on the street. I was swearing a lot. I was so angry at my wife for abondoning me (that is how I felt). And my PMO is not good anymore. I started seeing a counselor. The day I saw the counselor, the topic of porn came, she mentioned how porn could mess up our brains. The same day I quit porn. Next week I researched and found NoFap.
    It has been 39 days and I had absolutely NO urge for PMO. Not even once.
    All the bad symptoms are gone in couple of weeks. But the flatline is very tough. Loneliness, fatigue, etc.

    Another benefit I got from my PA and reboot is that I am no longer judgemental towards people with addiction. In other words I am not arrogant towards them.

    So without any cheating in picture, even a strong minded person, without any idea what is happening could become PA....
     
    Torn and Cowboy1 like this.
  16. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    My motto is "when life is hard, do not make it harder" :)
    There is a reason why I went to a professional counselor instead of involving my SO in my recovery journey. She loves me to the core, but she already has her own battles. She is usually not a nice person when she is hurting. I don't like putting her in that position. My sanity is my responsibility. period.
     
    Rehab101 likes this.
  17. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

    345
    825
    93
    Amazing, simply incredible post @BetterThanYourHand! I couldn't have articulated what it's like from an SO's perspective that clearly. I will share this with my SO @RunningFree so hopefully he can understand why I feel the way I do even better. He's done lots of work on his recovery, but we are in a very tough spot right now again.

    May I ask if your SO has stopped PMO? How long since DDay has it been for you? I am wishing you all the best! As his brain fog clears, empathy should return. That was our experience, similar to what @Xander74 explained above.

    Please keep writing and posting here. Your sentiments cut to the absolute core.
     
    Xander74 and Gooding like this.
  18. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    That is for sure.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  19. @BetterThanYourHand - please accept Ghostie's offer.

    What you have written deserves a much wider audience.
     
  20. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    100
    118
    43
    Wow!!! eyes wide open thank you
     

Share This Page