Now he's unhappy because I treat him disrespectfully...really?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jbird22, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Not sure why he has short term memory but it's now been every day for two and a half years that he's done nothing to fix this bombshell in my life - come to find out he's disrespected me and our relationship for all 15 years of it so I've been lied to, betrayed, cheated, abandoned physically and emotionally and since then I've been pretty upset with him and definitely treat him with disrect that I never have before but that's because I don't respect or trust him and he's done absolutely nothing to fix it other than saying- "I'll stop looking it" when clearly he still is... Yet he seems to be at the end of his rope with the way I treat him now....unbelievable...don't even know what to do now. He's created this entire dynamic in our relationship yet is now the victim? Wtf!!!! I would have never ever thought of him as a selfish person until after all this unfolded...it's all so clear now. I've told him so many times to fix it himself if he doesn't want to be treated this way and explained why I can't be unguarded and myself around him anymore yet everyday he seems to forget that concept... we have young 4 kids that stay home with me and my own business so I have a lot going on as well...the nerve.... I'm just an all or nothing type of person so right now I'm nothing.
     
    Chrissy and WifeInTheDark like this.
  2. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    Unless your husband is actively doing something about his addiction(s), like engaging in a program for recovery and rehabilitation of some sort, I don't think it's possible for him to be rid of this on his own, even though he may very well want to and even though he has and will promise again and again. It's not that he won't fix this bombshell, at this stage of entrenchment into this addiction, he really cannot fix it - unless he has some concrete means of rehabilitation (a program outside his failed good intentions). Similarly, you may need some help and support as a spouse of an addict, otherwise your anger, frustration, and unforgiveness will always sabotage any possible attempt for recovery that he could ever make. Speaking with other wives on this site whose journey is well further along the way can be some semblance of such support for you.

    I worry about your philosophy - "all or nothing." Do we ever get "all" the things we ever wanted in life? Not really. Then, aren't you already setting yourself up to get "nothing" - and I mean nothing in the extremist sense - separation, divorce, child custody arrangements, asset division and allocation. Will all that be more than what you have now? Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe in your mind you're already headed there?

    Indeed, your husband is in the wrong here for getting trapped into this addiction and lying to you all these years. But, what I would like to say to you is that you are not a victim: You need to decide where you want the relationship to go from here. If you really want "nothing from it," then break it off immediately and spare yourself and the children a lot of anger, yelling, and bickering, and the bad role-modeling of adult behavior gone wrong all around. However, if you want to salvage this relationship, then both you AND your husband need some support or counselling - like AA (for alcoholics) and Al-anon (for partners of alcoholics), as an analogy. Or, some therapy apart or together. If you are choosing to somehow make this relationship work with your husband, then ask yourself whether "your disrespecting him" is accomplishing anything toward that very goal. It seems to accomplish separation instead - which isn't the end you're really wanting if you are choosing to stay in the relationship, right?

    Best wishes!
     
  3. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Some people like to play that game of turning themselves into the victim. Years ago I had a cheating boyfriend and he constantly accused me of cheating. Every fight turned into my fault or at best I got an I'm sorry BUT I said that because YOU did this or said this... I can't stand a person who can't just admit when they are wrong and who can't say I'm sorry with out some bullshit clause attached.
    Weak ass people. Grrr...
     
  4. CptCane

    CptCane Fapstronaut

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    Guilty I am! You guys have hit the nail on the head. I did everything I could her my wife just to hide my addiction. Once it was out in the open, I could do anything right. It feels hopeless when already feel like crap. I almost let myself slip into depression. Jbird22 you sound a lot like my wife in the post above. He has committed an atrocity to you. I might has well taken my wife heart out of her chest and thrown in on the floor. But she stayed. We have worked for 3 years on a new relationship. It has been so hard and I still feel like cheap sometimes. All she says is good . And I have to remember what I did to her. I do wish she would be more respectful and tender but she's not there yet. I will tell you that when she does show love and respect. She glows in my eyes. Forgiveness is very hard for both parties. Remember he still has to forgive himself. That is so hard. If you truly love him show him you have a fight in you. Fight for him not against.

    I'm not sure of your faith. But I can tell you with certainty, if it weren't for our faith in Jesus. We would be divorced right now. No doubt. We are living proof and I wouldn't try it without Him.
     
  5. himmelstoss

    himmelstoss Fapstronaut

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    He sounds like he's acting like you're his mother. "Ok! Ok! I'll clean up my room! Gawd!"
     
  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    wow.

    Not sure who is wrong here.

    The hubby seems like he wants to play it lazy and claim to be the victim.
    The lady claims she is the overall victim or it all.
    Hard to say without knowing both sides of the story.

    There is scumbag hubbies and there is harpies women...
    Both members of the couple have to be at the same place at the same time....either both are trying to fix this thing up, or there is a break up.
     

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