QuietKarma
Fapstronaut
Hey guys,
So ive never talked about my feelings before - either online or with other people. I feel embarrassed by everything I have become and have done.
I am not an avid watcher of porn, but have somehow developed a desire to have risky and dangerous sex with men while dressed as a female. The feminisation aspect is a huge part of these recurring fantasies which also involve sucking cock, getting 'raped', being in a gangbang, having sex with multiple strangers - usually older 'uglier' middle aged men. I don't find men attractive at all, and that's part of the fantasy - being 'taken' sexually and treated like a slut and doing things that I don't enjoy. Which perversely activates a part of my brain which makes me really excited.
Unsurprisingly I have no normal emotional attraction to men and have always had loving relationships with women.
After many many years of struggling with this and having accounts on multiple 'meetup' sites I decided to go for it tonight and arranged to meet with a 50 year old man in a parking lot. His profile showed he like having sex with men dressed as women and would sexually dominate and humiliate them. He drove a white van, I stood there in the cold waiting for him to park. When he did I went up to his van, but somehow, for some reason, he didn't see me and drove off. I remember in the final moments before I went to see him I felt no urges at all, just nothing, but I walked towards an experience which could have been me AIDS, herpes, syphilis etc.
I am feeling a lot of shame for what I nearly did tonight and all the things I have done on the past, I rarely watch porn, but entertain these ideas often. Twice in the past in college I have 'crossdressed' for parties - I know guys do this on nights out or Halloween often, but my motivation for this was almost 100% sexual. When I think about what I did and the fact that photos exist I feel deep, deep shame. I am a normal broad shouldered guy, I usually wear stubble and have short cropped hair, I like watching Baseball and Kickboxing. Why am I thinking and doing these things? How can I stop the urges?
I have been struggling with these urges my entire late teen and adult life. I feel lost and broken and ready to give up, I am hoping someone can throw me a lifeline.
I'm honestly asking, should I just give in to these desires and 'accept' it? Is this an unchangeable part of who I am?
So ive never talked about my feelings before - either online or with other people. I feel embarrassed by everything I have become and have done.
I am not an avid watcher of porn, but have somehow developed a desire to have risky and dangerous sex with men while dressed as a female. The feminisation aspect is a huge part of these recurring fantasies which also involve sucking cock, getting 'raped', being in a gangbang, having sex with multiple strangers - usually older 'uglier' middle aged men. I don't find men attractive at all, and that's part of the fantasy - being 'taken' sexually and treated like a slut and doing things that I don't enjoy. Which perversely activates a part of my brain which makes me really excited.
Unsurprisingly I have no normal emotional attraction to men and have always had loving relationships with women.
After many many years of struggling with this and having accounts on multiple 'meetup' sites I decided to go for it tonight and arranged to meet with a 50 year old man in a parking lot. His profile showed he like having sex with men dressed as women and would sexually dominate and humiliate them. He drove a white van, I stood there in the cold waiting for him to park. When he did I went up to his van, but somehow, for some reason, he didn't see me and drove off. I remember in the final moments before I went to see him I felt no urges at all, just nothing, but I walked towards an experience which could have been me AIDS, herpes, syphilis etc.
I am feeling a lot of shame for what I nearly did tonight and all the things I have done on the past, I rarely watch porn, but entertain these ideas often. Twice in the past in college I have 'crossdressed' for parties - I know guys do this on nights out or Halloween often, but my motivation for this was almost 100% sexual. When I think about what I did and the fact that photos exist I feel deep, deep shame. I am a normal broad shouldered guy, I usually wear stubble and have short cropped hair, I like watching Baseball and Kickboxing. Why am I thinking and doing these things? How can I stop the urges?
I have been struggling with these urges my entire late teen and adult life. I feel lost and broken and ready to give up, I am hoping someone can throw me a lifeline.
I'm honestly asking, should I just give in to these desires and 'accept' it? Is this an unchangeable part of who I am?