[NSFW] [Trigger] I nearly ruined my life today

Q

QuietKarma

Fapstronaut
Hey guys,

So ive never talked about my feelings before - either online or with other people. I feel embarrassed by everything I have become and have done.

I am not an avid watcher of porn, but have somehow developed a desire to have risky and dangerous sex with men while dressed as a female. The feminisation aspect is a huge part of these recurring fantasies which also involve sucking cock, getting 'raped', being in a gangbang, having sex with multiple strangers - usually older 'uglier' middle aged men. I don't find men attractive at all, and that's part of the fantasy - being 'taken' sexually and treated like a slut and doing things that I don't enjoy. Which perversely activates a part of my brain which makes me really excited.

Unsurprisingly I have no normal emotional attraction to men and have always had loving relationships with women.

After many many years of struggling with this and having accounts on multiple 'meetup' sites I decided to go for it tonight and arranged to meet with a 50 year old man in a parking lot. His profile showed he like having sex with men dressed as women and would sexually dominate and humiliate them. He drove a white van, I stood there in the cold waiting for him to park. When he did I went up to his van, but somehow, for some reason, he didn't see me and drove off. I remember in the final moments before I went to see him I felt no urges at all, just nothing, but I walked towards an experience which could have been me AIDS, herpes, syphilis etc.

I am feeling a lot of shame for what I nearly did tonight and all the things I have done on the past, I rarely watch porn, but entertain these ideas often. Twice in the past in college I have 'crossdressed' for parties - I know guys do this on nights out or Halloween often, but my motivation for this was almost 100% sexual. When I think about what I did and the fact that photos exist I feel deep, deep shame. I am a normal broad shouldered guy, I usually wear stubble and have short cropped hair, I like watching Baseball and Kickboxing. Why am I thinking and doing these things? How can I stop the urges?

I have been struggling with these urges my entire late teen and adult life. I feel lost and broken and ready to give up, I am hoping someone can throw me a lifeline.

I'm honestly asking, should I just give in to these desires and 'accept' it? Is this an unchangeable part of who I am?
 
Hey man, it's good that you share your problem here. I cant give you really any advice on the specific subject. But i believe that 'sexual abnormalities' (to call it that) are a result of things which lie in the psychological domain... maybe trauma, unresolved issues, certain negative belief systems... gotta search deep to find out where you are out of balance.

I was so lost in life, also had weird fetishes and sexual perversions. I found out that i actually had lost touch with my core self through the years (very deep basic philosophy of self and life was imprinted by someone else.. which are not my ideas, but indoctrinated for years)... luckily now i have come closer to my true self.

But am feeling guilt and shame of my past porn use, and all the stupid mistakes i made. But well.. we have to learn from the mistakes, and learn to follow our true heart & soul.

I think a reboot is wise for all pmo users or addicts. Getting a more tranquil mind. Focussing on improving self and life.

We are all on the same boat, just the way it manifests is different.. all the best
 
Even if it wasn't a huge amount of porn, if it was porn that got you heading down that road, it is probably a porn induced situation. But I don't know your story.
 
Hi @QuietKarma. Welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here. :)

Any sexual-based addiction has roots in issues with intimacy. So when I read:
QuietKarma said:
So ive never talked about my feelings before - either online or with other people.
Click to expand...
I recognize immediately that you've been suffocating yourself psychologically in the presence of others. You aren't communicating your deepest, truest, most vulnerable self in any healthy form. That's what is meant by emotional intimacy.

Coming here and opening up is a fantastic first step. This is a fantastic community with a ton of inspiring stories and great resources. I would encourage you to start a journal in the forum section for your age group. I would also really recommend you visit your primary care doctor and ask for a referral for a therapist. You don't need to go into detail with your doctor, just tell him/her that you've been having some problems with emotions and they should write you a prescription for some therapy visits that are covered under most insurance. A therapist could be a very valuable asset where you can have a comfortable, safe place to unpack the bags you've been carrying for so long.

Please continue to share your story and recovery. It helps others here. And please try to omit unnecessary or overtly sexual language in your postings, as many may be triggered by this.

Recovery from addiction is very possible. It takes some shifting in the way you live your life, but once you find yourself on the road to recovery, you will be much more at ease and content with yourself. Best of luck going forward!
 
I "liked" your post, @QuietKarma, not because I enjoy the sordid details found by reading stories like yours, but because I am extremely impressed with your willingness to take a risk, dig deep, and put it all out there for any and all of us to read. There is strength within you to be able to both do that and come here seeking help.

I will agree with everything that my NoFap friend @Strength And Light said above: I would also recommend starting a journal and reading others' (I would recommend his - it has been inspiring to me and many others). I understand that, as you said, you feel embarrassed by things you have done, but trust me when I say this: there is no need to feel embarrassed here. We're all broken and seeking healing and I know for a fact that there are plenty of people here who will try to help you with that healing while giving no judgment. Seeing a therapist is also a great idea.

This is not an unchangeable part of who you are. With a lot of work, I believe that you can find healing. I'm also glad you're here - if you do begin a journal, let me know, because I'd like to watch it.
 
QuietKarma said:
Hey guys,

So ive never talked about my feelings before - either online or with other people. I feel embarrassed by everything I have become and have done.

I am not an avid watcher of porn, but have somehow developed a desire to have risky and dangerous sex with men while dressed as a female. The feminisation aspect is a huge part of these recurring fantasies which also involve sucking cock, getting 'raped', being in a gangbang, having sex with multiple strangers - usually older 'uglier' middle aged men. I don't find men attractive at all, and that's part of the fantasy - being 'taken' sexually and treated like a slut and doing things that I don't enjoy. Which perversely activates a part of my brain which makes me really excited.

Unsurprisingly I have no normal emotional attraction to men and have always had loving relationships with women.

After many many years of struggling with this and having accounts on multiple 'meetup' sites I decided to go for it tonight and arranged to meet with a 50 year old man in a parking lot. His profile showed he like having sex with men dressed as women and would sexually dominate and humiliate them. He drove a white van, I stood there in the cold waiting for him to park. When he did I went up to his van, but somehow, for some reason, he didn't see me and drove off. I remember in the final moments before I went to see him I felt no urges at all, just nothing, but I walked towards an experience which could have been me AIDS, herpes, syphilis etc.

I am feeling a lot of shame for what I nearly did tonight and all the things I have done on the past, I rarely watch porn, but entertain these ideas often. Twice in the past in college I have 'crossdressed' for parties - I know guys do this on nights out or Halloween often, but my motivation for this was almost 100% sexual. When I think about what I did and the fact that photos exist I feel deep, deep shame. I am a normal broad shouldered guy, I usually wear stubble and have short cropped hair, I like watching Baseball and Kickboxing. Why am I thinking and doing these things? How can I stop the urges?

I have been struggling with these urges my entire late teen and adult life. I feel lost and broken and ready to give up, I am hoping someone can throw me a lifeline.

I'm honestly asking, should I just give in to these desires and 'accept' it? Is this an unchangeable part of who I am?
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing your burden. No, you should not accept this fantasy. Remember it is a fantasy; you would have never had this fantasy planted in your head if you had not use your imagination to construct it. It feels like a desire because our brain cannot distinguish between what is real and what is fantasy. It “feels” the same to us. If I imagine I’m scared, my body will react. Ffs, every month for one week I fantasize about a dream guy who will make me feel complete. This guy exists only in fantasy, and that’s why I watch chick-flicks because it attempts to bring my fantasy relationship to real life. After I’m over it, I feel disgusted. There is no value in having these thoughts or living that lifestyle, it will only lead to a bigger feeling of incompleteness. Our constructed fantasies are very limited and fail to capture what we already have and what we are truly capable of. No human on this earth was made to be a living perversion. No one was built to have their life wasted by being degraded or abused at the hand of others. We ALL are so great and capable of making a difference in one another’s life. I am so glad you put your deep thoughts here because we all relate to it in some way or another, and we are all battling this very thing. We are fighting for our peace back because these fantansies made a hole in us.
 
Thanks for sharing man, all the other replies have pointed out very well how important it is open up about these things. Communication is what makes humans so good at fixing problems.

My personal struggles with this (trust me I've been to every corner of hell) have shown me we sexualize faults and issues of ourselves when we become exhausted from fighting them.

Punch a wall if you have to, violence of action is a great response to sexualized masochism.
 
@QuietKarma: Kudos to you for the bravery in admitting what you are doing. I think a LOT of us have had related experiences or fantasies. I bet that 99% of us on this site have done things we'd not want our parents--or even our friends--to know about.

Perhaps it's helpful to think about your problem this way: Imagine your drug of choice was booze instead of sex. You began with beer, then drank more of it. You moved up to wine.....then drank more of it. Then vodka. NOW, you are sharing vodka with strangers while one of them may bust the bottle over your head and steal your wallet.

Do you really like vodka that much? Probably not, but you (and most of us) would risk a lot because you are so addicted to that vodka. With sex, the "high" has to be ever higher......Trust me, I struggle with this too.

I remember telling my boss--who would join me in sex parties--many years ago: "I worry about what kind of kinky shit we are going to have to do ten years from now." There was my clue I was an addict getting progressively worse. I am not healed now, but at least slowing down.

Don't give up. It's fixable. Difficult, but fixable.
 
Thanks for all the words of support guys, a few things have changed since my last post. Firstly I am now seeing a woman this is a fairly casual relationship, but will help normalise things. I won't be seeing her again until the new year, so this is the perfect time to start my nofap journey.

My goals between now and 5th of January 2019:
  • No Porn or Masturbation
  • Exercise 5 out of 7 days a week (running or weights)
  • Abstain from all 'electronic' stimulation: gaming, movies, TV series
  • Aim to learn one new thing per day: I am following an online course and working through a textbook
  • Limit all social media usage to 30 minutes a day
  • Meditation 5 minutes a day, ideally twice a day
These goals are extreme for me, but I really think all the underlying issues regarding management of stress, boredom, and over usage of the internet are truly linked. So I am aiming to find an integrated solution to the multifaceted problem of porn and fantasy addiction.

Thanks for your support and I'll keep you updated!
 
QuietKarma said:
I'm honestly asking, should I just give in to these desires and 'accept' it? Is this an unchangeable part of who I am?
Click to expand...
C'mon! What do you think? If these feelings make you feel deep shame and make you feel horrible, then of course not. Like my old man would tell me when I asked questions like this, "Stop being a rockhead." Listen I have been through a lot of the EXACT same shame you've felt, there is an entire genre called sissy that is all about situations like this. Also @Strength And Light is right, you need to talk to someone you trust or see a therapist, granted a therapist is kinda risky as many of them do not believe in porn/sex addiction and might tell you to transition which is a very bad Idea. Also do you really not consume that much porn? What qualifies as porn to you personally? When did you first get signs?

Finally,
Good luck
 
You don't realize how lucky you were. That situation sounds fishy as hell!
I remember a guy here who finally acted out on gay BDSM fantasies with a guy who lived in his street. This nearly drove him to suicide.

You answered your question yourself already. Your fantasies are not compatible with your actual personality. It's not even compatible with your biology. You are a man.
If you are lucky, you can get rid of all those fetishes by doing nofap. If that is not the case, you will need to learn to live with these urges without acting on them.
 
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