Oasis of Peace

Day 51

bzzzzzz. I had a four day weekend. And I'm taking the entire week off next week for thanksgiving as a lot of people aren't gonna show up anyways hehe

That means ten days off in a row!!!! WOOOHOO!!!!! *Jumps for joy*.

Right got some decent work in. Now it's time to watch Mile 22 and cleanup not in that order. There's a ton of cleaning to di. Dishes especially. And trash to take out tomorrow. But with Dishes done, and a nice plate of food I'll be ready to stream it up! Let's go watch Mark Wahlberg and Ronda Rousey do spy things.

I'm still sleepy from the vax but doing better

Also I'm done trying for more than 3 goals a week.

I'm sticking with 7 days no PMO, 5 hours study and exercise 3-5 times indefinitely.

 

I appreciate my own enthusiasm yesterday. Today my only aim is to get through the day. I have 45 minutes till it’s time to start work. I’d like to do some abs and walk but idk if I’ve time. The walk must come first

no the Zazen first

abs can happen on a break or after work

I’ll have a lot time after work. 6-920pm 3.5 hours almost

I think I’ll spend it eating and watching the seven deadly sins anime for 1.5 hours. Then reading the dharma for the rest of the time. I’ll be in bed by 930

I always want to shower before bed . Ah. Maybe I’ll stop at 910pm and shower. It just results in two showers a day which I feel is a lot. Perhaps I can just not shower tonight. I don’t want to spoil myself too much

if I do abs at work break time then shower I’ll still be clean for bed so it’s fine . Mibs

that’ll be perfect. I’ll be asleep by 11pm and I can get up at 7am in good conscience knowing I gave myself eight hours to rest

then I get to work upper body tomorrow yay and at four pm or maybe five pm tomorrow will begin the ten day vacation of zen

 

Day 52

maybe I should brush my teeth before I get on here posting ya know?

that’d be nice

maybe I could post in oasis before accountability

I think brush before post is a good idea I’ll try that

I've come to realize that for some reason lifting weights makes me constipated. When I switched from dumbbells barbells and weight vests to body weight exercises only. I saw a significant improvement in my digestion. I did some squats with a vest on and dumbbell curls the past few days and now my digestion isn't as good again bummer

I'm not sure if I should just push on and keep lifting with the vest on. Or take a step back and stay with bodyweight. I am incorporating gymnastics rings today so that is some increase in the difficulty. This makes me sad :'( I wanted to add weight. Sighs. =[[

=[

It's not the end of the world if I have to do my exercises without added weight. it's okay. ....darn it.....I don't want to take fiber powder again....-_-

Spoiler: bowel movements stuff

I also don't want to have to sit on the toilet for upwards of ten minutes each morning waiting for something to happen. Maybe I ...I.....I'll stick to bodyweight for today. That's the plan. I've been trying to stick with my plans lately. That's 4-5 days upper lower split all bodyweight stuff. No added weight.

alright. Gonna meditate, do my workout and then hopefully have time to eat something. Then I'm off at 4pm. Study till 6pm. Probably just read the Dharma after work. Simplify

 

Day 53

Oh gosh I did my workout with just bodyweight and I'm glad. I was tired from the night before. If I'd tried to add weight it would've been hard on my body. I might be falling asleep at work. Now I agree with my previous decision to do body weight only.

I could do one calisthenics skill move . I've been working on handstand consistently for a while. I don't feel any closer to pulling off a handstand though it's like the pose is just really hard. I can handstand on the wall for almost a minute though

Shrugs* I think about taking a break from the other skills and just perfecting my elbow lever/peacock pose. I can already do that one as it's probably the easiest calisthenics skill to do.

=]

But it's still difficult enough that most people can't do it.

Om, in other news. I can't wait to get off work today at six. Yay. That'll be great. I'm off tomorrow so I'll just do my lower body workout and study till 330. Then I'll drive to my gf's place to see her. Cool.

Oh snap I'm off 10 day vacation I have arrived.

My plan is to do Friday monday tuesday and get all my studying done in those three day. 4-6-6 = 16 hours. Outside of those 16 hours it's laid back camp time

Zen wanna sleep

 

Day 53

hoo

get to see the SO today at 430. Was trying to workout lower today but I’m gonna go use her rower instead. Oh wait . No. I’ll just do my normal routine. Would be nice to get some jumping in tho. Been missing heavier cardio. I’ll try to go for fifteen minutes today. Jumping and marching in place.
I’d run but the hard uneven surface of the sidewalk is not so enjoyable. Someday I may get a rower. I like rowing.

wonder if I could fit one in my apt right now

probably not?

heh let’s get better at jumping then

I’ll be getting a key to my sos apartment today. That means I can go to her apt gym and use the rower anytime! It’s 25m away so I won’t be going regularly. But whenever I’m going to visit her I’ll just show up early and use the rower c:

 

Day 54

“the answer is not in the sky it is in your heart”. Buddha

Oh my hearts been tired and beating harder than normal. As I observe this I think ‘I will rest today’.

Today I’ll actually rest. I’m doing no more than a little active rest level yoga

I don’t think I’ll go on a walk even

man I love yoga. I’m planning to do more yoga days now. I might have to tough it out and use YouTube to practice the long bikram flow. But it’s ok. I don’t want to pay $120/month for bikram classes

Sweating in those classes isn’t good on my skin usually either

meh idk

plus I’m trying TKD on a friend recommendation. They’re trying to figure out the trial class or whatever for me to come in. Meh we’ll see. I’ve had anger issues when I train martial arts so I avoided them long time

My friend said I should try TKD because self control is part of it and could allow me to train whilst keeping my cool

may it be so

because when I tried mma I felt very angry once more. I felt hopeless yesterday when I lost my temper after training. I decided to try to meditate after training every time. But still. Maybe TKD will work, and Kenobi knows his stuff. If not the trials basically free.

can’t wait to give it a try. I could go back to bikram but meh. Why bother idk. It’s hard to deal with my anxiety around ppl and so much easier to do the training at home with yoga. <—These sound like the thoughts of a depressed being who has given up trying to overcome their mental health issues. Succumbed to their inner demons. To Mara

sighs. I’ll make a gym work. ONE GYM. Just one. I will make going to some gym twice a week a regular thing. It’s gonna be planet fitness, TKD or Yoga. Take your pick.

I tried pf and a yoga. Tkd is next. There’s another yoga spot I could try as well. Let’s live it up I’m on vacation after all

 

Day 56

got spicy pork ramen with mom. Nice day. Learning about martial arts at home. Sticking with my plant to wait till I move to find a dojo.

meh I don’t want to talk about it today just focus on taking action

 

Day 57

yes it's an oasis of peace. Lots of good vibes and feelings here om nom nom feels good.

Been at Starbucks a good few hours studying. It's nice. I dunno what else I'd do here if I wasn't working on studying. Maybe read a book? Kinda noisy for that.

shrugs*

Well I got scheduled for my exam Dec 31st 230pm. May I pass it. <3

I'm gonna try to study everyday as much as I can without burnout up until then. Well...at least ....5+ hours a week heh.

I'd like to do more than 5 though.

Like 5-10 hours a week

Study more days than not.

That's what I'm aiming for. Hope I hit the target. Once I pass this exam I'm hoping to submit my paperwork and be licensed in three districts by March 2023. Then I'll probably go work for June. Ah I won't be making lots of money. I won't be getting any benefits. But I'll make a decent hourly wage. And I'll get to work with an employer that I've found to be cordial, helpful and kind throughout our two years of working together in supervision. I feel like June's company could potentially be my forever employer instead of my just for now employer. I'd like that a lot.

Every time I hang out with my partner I always have a feeling or a thought to go work for June. I think she's a very accommodating person like my partner. I think I can trust her. If those pieces can be in place then I'm really set because things are decent with my family too. As well as my friends. I don't feel like my friends are forever friends just yet but we'll see. I've got one more friend group to try out maybe next week and I'll see if I like them. Otherwise just stick with the ones I got pretty much. They're good people

yeah I could explore more once I'm licensed that'll be great

Friends. I just want a few good quality friends. Yeah. Rob Coil Leanne Gabs they're alright. Jen. I'm not like crazy about them but I feel like they're good enough to keep for now. I wish they'd like consistently text me more I guess. I guess they do. Maybe someones at the new group will take the cake tho. You don't know till you've explored enough options to say which one measures up and which one doesn't.

 

Day 57

I’ve simplified my workouts into just three exercises a day for upper lower

taking it pretty easy but the goal isn’t to kill myself in the gym. It’s to be in good shape and have an abundance of energy to live life with.

I see my energy as currency, I want to save a lot. Have reserves of it for whenever I need it. Meaning don’t overtrain and get lots of sleep

 

Day 59

I feel decided on my choices lately. I’m alright with them . Yep

alright

sword art online is awesome . After I train today I’ll, ?????? Just watch SAO and eat to my hearts content at thanksgiving. Hooray. Maybe get an hour of study time in would be great too tho it makes me feel good

 

I'll look forward to it. I don't cry easy but if I do I'll let you know thank you happy xgiving

 

I'm listening to "it's snowing and you're tired of running from life" right now as I write. I love this title. It's so fitting for us as we face life. And medieval looking pic on it's nice too. Joseph Campbell's good. This morning I was reciting his story about the man who said 'maybe maybe not' about his sons circumstances. idk if you know that story . Thanks so much for your praise! I'm flattered and very thankful for you. What do you like about this playlist?

 

Day 60

Maybe maybe not

A farmer's son reached the age where it was time to buy him a horse. He'd been a good son and his work on the farm was enough to buy him his first horse. All the villagers gathered and said, 'Isn't that lovely? Your son got his first horse!' The farmer said, 'Maybe, maybe not.' The next day his son fell off the horse and broke his arm. The villagers bewailed crying, 'How awful!' The farmer said, 'Maybe, maybe not.' The next day the army came and refused to enlist the son due to his broken arm leaving with all able bodied young men in the village. The villagers once more said, 'How lucky! Wonderful!' And the farmer replied, 'Maybe, maybe not.' -Parable Paraphrased from Joseph Campbell's talks.

Today I thought about all the things that seem to be bad in my life. The issues the struggles and problems. And when the thought came, 'how awful.' I thought, 'Maybe, maybe not.' I am determined to make every negative in my life into a positive. Every struggle into a strength. That all problems will be but blessings in disguise if I put my mind body and spirit into making it so. May it be so.

I live in a basement with minimal natural light to save money. Gucci I'll get better sleep because it's dark and cold. There were centipedes, spiders and crickets in here. I sprayed for them myself, it cost $10 and there are no more bugs. I feel more confident in my ability to handle bugs now which my girlfriend who is scared of spiders appreciates. thumbs up. The floor is uncleanably dirty, professional treatment is out of budget. So I got socks with sticky pads on them to train shadowboxing in. My feet are clean and I don't slip. It's a blessing because now I know that I can wear sticky socks and train on hardwood floors to keep my feet clean : )

Nothing bad can last as long as I keep fighting to make it good. No negative can persist if my positive energy is more perseverant. Good always wins in the end. I can kill people with kindness. It's the best choice as, "Animosity does not dissolve by animosity, but by loving kindness alone. This is an old rule." - Buddha

-----

Girlfriend, I had thanksgiving with her and her family. It was fun. Good to see them all. Made me miss my own dad. Haven't talked to him in a bit. Sent him a $50 pair of speedo sweatpants for his birthday. My sweats cost $20 and I thought that was expensive! lol. I wanted to get him something nicer though, he's into swimming and all that.

I'm dedicated to my morning routine. I ZaZen and I train. It's 5 days a week of calisthenics. On the two lower days I'm grinding 1 hour yoga flows after doing legs. It's not bad as it's all bodyweight. On the upper body days. I'll do some shadowboxing to warmup and end the sessions with rowing if I'm able to use my so's apartment gym. Otherwise just more shadowboxing I guess heh.

I'm reading Jack Dempsey's book. Heralded as 'The most influential book on boxing (even all fighting)'. It's great work. I found it helpful to see his fight highlights to understand what the methods he's describing in his book look like when put to use. He was an excellent warrior. His punches were very powerful. He hit hard. His methods are different from the east asian styles of martial arts.

Namely that he recommends punching with the knuckle of the ring finger middle and pinky knuckles instead of the more common index and middle knuckles. Bruce Lee punched the same way when he threw his one inch punch. The last three knuckles instead of the first two knuckles were to absorb the impact. Dempsey considers this more helpful for distributing impact, increasing power and preventing injury. I very much appreciate his ideas and will put them into practice as best I can.

<3

It was a struggle to get this far with my self care. To keep working at semen retention. To keep my boundaries. Refusing to sacrifice my training in the mornings for almost anything. I'm doing it and I'm proud and happy with that. My sleep is the one thing that I'm not yet prepared to get strict on. I need looser boundaries like I have with training. There's a range of what I do even though I train 5 days a week with two active rest days. At minimum I can just workout one day a week full body or two days upper/lower split and that's enough to satisfy me at minimum. I want....I want something different....I need a range. I think the ideal would be 920pm I set off on my evening routine. Even as early as 9pm! That's the 'maximum' range But at minimum I was to do ....midnight is too late...midnight then. That's it. 9pm-12am is my range for sleep. As long as I can land in that range I'll say well, at least I did the minimum heh. It's worked well with training. I imagine it will work just as well with sleeping. I love training so much now that I've found a balance of rest and work. I think I'll feel love for the sleep too and excel at hitting the ideal maximum end of the range more and more consistently. Liek how I hunger for those 5 days. When it's time to train I'm full of energy and excitement to train because I've forced myself to rest enough. When I trained 7 days a week I was so tired I'd drag myself out of bed to train. I had no enthusiasm for the exercise. I just felt drained. I hadn't rested a day in so many months. It was just training as hard as I could daily forever. I felt burned out. This 5/2 is good. Now it's time for 9pm-12am perfect.

I have a stack of four martial arts books. Two boxing, one Jeet Kun Do and one MMA (bj penn). I also got three books by the modern martial artist. Those I'm a little less interested in, but will probably read as I paid for them heh. I want the books written by anderson silva, randy couture and the jiu jitsu instructional book with 2k reviews on amazon. Buying those three ones used will run me $60. Ah, that's steep. When I complete a few of these books I'll see about getting them. Mom always said finish your book I'll buy you a new one. She isn't one to let anything go to waste. I'm trying to keep that kind of discipline going.

Of course she never kept to that. No way. I saw her buy the Harry Potter series and didn't even finish the first book before donating the set. I shoulda kept them I didn't know I'd be into HP now.

Wish I had like a punching bag to hit. That'd cost money for a membership though. At some point in January I may bring myself to join a martial arts gym of some sort. Honestly I think people put too much stock in certain forms being better than others. MMA to me is the obviously most useful choice for unarmed self defense. It allows you to fight standing or on the ground. However, whenever I did jiu jitsu I kept getting injuries. Some moron would just be out to hurt people and end up injuring me and a few other people before Karma gave them an even worse injury.

I think it might've just been those schools though. Like some schools the people aren't as foolish, they're more mindful of safety. There's a better balance of hard and soft. Too hard and everyones too injured to keep training. Too soft and no one gets any better it's just a social club. The right balance allows one to get better at fighting with endurable damage. Longevity in the sport occurs.

I could probably make it work. It'd be hard and tiring. MMA or whatever striking school could work for me if it's balanced. A good school. For now I read books on the subject. Practice in my home. Spar with my friends. It's essentially free and time effective this way. A used martial arts book is 10-20$ on abebooks.com

Hm. Wonder if this is my best choice long term. I can control the training much more this way. Prevent burnout and injuries. I'm just wondering if at some point absorbing the books knowledge. The training at home and with others. Will read a head. Culminate in finding a good gym to train at and excel at fighting. I said I either wanted to teach people Meditation, Yoga, Calisthenics or Martial Arts. I wish I could do all four. Maybe I can. But it starts with achieving a certified teaching level at one of them. It'll be a huge mission to get teach certified. A long fought battle to attain a goal. Just like my degrees have been. I think it needs to be the martial arts for me for some reason. While I believe spirituality is the most important thing in my life. Buddha said 'I will protect myself, I will protect others. This is the vow of the Buddhas'. I want to protect myself and others in this way. I want to get better at fighting. Hm. to be continued

 

Hey good point. They do say wrestlers are the ones who win most. Randy couture and GSP to name a couple. I like doing calisthenics and I can’t do very good at that when I’m all banged up. Maybe wrestling would be a worth a try

I’ll see what’s around

 

Day 60

been tough to Get ready for bed at the 9pm end of my range. When I’m with Cora I Have fun staying up with her. Or by myself I like to read books and get some alone time at night

of course if I do sleep earlier then I’ll have plenty of alone time in the morning. So it’s no time lost. Yea this rangevthing will work nods *

 

Day 60

Been losing my mind lately, reading the martial arts books does that to me sometimes. My solution isn’t to quit, it’s to just meditate after any Ma training or reading. And I guess to keep reading to thirty pages or less per day. I did fifty in a day and I got really angry. Then I threw a big fit and now I’m just kind of miserable

I got yelled at a lot when I was a kid. My mom wasn’t so nice to me all the time. Dad was neglectful and would become spiteful if I pressed him to pay attention to me. Sister was always screaming and crying to get attention. She got it though and feels she had a good childhood. I didn’t and felt depressed and suicidal most of my life.

I still feel those thoughts. When I’m with my nofap group. The thoughts are, “No one will ever stay, ever care or ever love me for long.”

I can feel them kind of being uprooted with love. It’s, a deep root to remove. I’m happy I’m experiencing this now. That it’s being healed, it’s just. I wish I could do normal things without getting so mad. -_-

my solution is to call mom or Cora if I’m upset and need help figuring out how to not be unpleasant toward my landlord again. Honestly I don’t want an Asian landlord again. I don’t care if that sounds racist, I want to deal with some other race.

it’s always too triggering to try and be in relation with Asians for me. Maybe at some point it’ll be fine. But right now I just feel like they’ll put me down and treat me like a child to be ignored. Never accommodating my requests. It’s not true. No one’s doing that to me now. But that’s how I feel. It’s how I felt I was treated before

 

Day 61

okay phew good news I calmed down. Landlord and my gf talked to me about appropriate conduct and rules for living in a basement. I understand now. Once I know the rules clearly of an environment I can do just fine. I’ll be alright now

todays a good day. I’m gonna go and do fun things. Looking forward to getting in some study time. Also I like my idea of going to Starbucks when I’m feeling bored or lonely. HALT is the acronym for when it’s time to do self care and or call a friend. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.

It’ll all be ok. Im just wondering if I want chicken or beef rice plate today. Hmmm. Maybe beef as it’s more filling or chicken as it’s healthier. Mmmm imma look at the pictures. Gonna bring my sparring gear . My friends might be down to spar with me : )

one is much higher than my level and the other much lower so idk no one for zen to train with on equal footing atm. That’s ok. Im content to be studying the martial arts through books till I pass my exam. Jack Dempseys book on boxing is amazing!!! Highly recommended. I may even read his biography next to connect with the man. He has incredible and uncommon ideas about how to throw punches. His book is so in depth, it’s covering the way to love your feet to setup punches. Not just footwork but step work. The fall step how and when to use different punches. Even how to watch a boxing match for education. Ah it’s great. Can’t wait to finish and put it into practice, then read more! His book cost me $12 used. Bj penns book was $10. Silva and couture and the bjj accademy one will run me $20 each so that’ll be a little waiting time. I’ll wanna finish what I’ve got before I do that’.

I regrettably bought three non returnable ebooks for $35 instead of the same book in paperback for $60. Sad I’ll have to tough it out with the ebook at some point in time. Can’t justify spending an additional $60 for the books I already own on ebook. I’m not rich like that

 

Day 64

hoooooo . I been suffering bad anxiety and insomnia after training with Rob. I don’t know why. It just sucks. Every time it’s happened I’ve given up. Committed to just refusing to spar him anymore. But, he’s a good friend and I enjoy our training sessions. I’m gonna do my best to keep trying and eventually I’ll sleep easy after training with him. May it be so