Oasis of Peace

Day 71

@MindfulWarrior thank you It is cute and it’s a good idea to make sure she’s totally cool with it.
@Cirilla thank you life’s good. Hope you find your happy place too.

thank you both so much for your encouragement and support. May we all live our best lives and have forever abstinence streaks

okay so I gotta get my license done. I’ve been struggling with symptoms of a cold but I refuse to admit I’m sick lol. I am healthy! It’s a positive psychology thing I do. Shoulda drank more vitamin c when my throat was scratchy.

but no bother. I’ll get through it. It’s mostly figuring out what’s the most comfy way to sleep in my new home.

I got a concept 2 rower. It’s the fanciest fitness thing I ever got. I haven’t had a gym membership in almost a year and plan to stay home gym forever so I think it’s affordable if I just stay no gym membership at least one more year

I’ve been deepening into my training at home. Doing five sets of each calisthenics exercise, going for full hour yoga flows and 30min or more on the rower. An hour would probably be plenty on it but cardio’s nice. I think I could do more than an hour in a day and not be too tired if I Broke it into two sessions

 

Hecka beat today. Stupid cold I caught from my mom. Oh well. I’ll be ok tomorrow I land get through work, get ten to twenty in on the rower in the morning for active rest

maybe just ten lol

10-20 row is it for me tomorrow exercise wise tho. I’m planning to take four rest days this week. I’m leaning towards interviewing for new jobs post license to try and get more money. I’m worth a lot more than I’m going to be offered and I think I’ll want more. It’ll be a challenge but I wouldn’t leave unless the new place seemed good on all fronts. Making 40% more annually would be a big deal for me

so much money . Shoot. Wonder what I’d do with all that. Honestly. I’d like to just save it all. Save it and put it into CDs or mutual funds. That’s it. Play it safe. Everyone wants to play risky and go for more. Loves to encourage me to do the same.

I like play it safe now. Staying at this job I’m at and asking for a bit more money when I sign on post license is safest. If the boat keeps going I can ride it indefinitely. It’s a very humbling move though. I’d feel like a boss if I made more at a new co and managed to stay there long term

play it safe still sounds best maybe safety is worth 40% more opportunity cost money

we’ll see. I can always apply and look around. For now my focus is on studying and passing my exam. Compiling and filing my LPC application. And just reducing stress as best I can . Self care

okay i can maybe get 100 at a new co my current co offers 70 I’ll try to show them links of other companies rates and ask if they can do more. They’ll probably come back with 75 but I want 80 so maybe I’ll just break moms rules and let them know up front that 80 would be enough to get me to stay. I like the company and it’s been smooth sailing lately and a good two years so far. But I’ll need 80 to stay when other cos are offering 100.

then I can get close enough to the salary I want without having to interview other jobs. Basically doing nothing other than chatting with my supervisor and getting 80k to do a job I would probably keep doing anyways for 70 lol. Perfect

my moms solutions always involve a ton of work. My solutions always aim for the same goal without putting in any work hahaha that’s my style

Make it easy. Also I’m only working 26 hours a week. 80k would be an excellent salary for that kind of schedule. So much free time. I can get in better shape, cook clean hangout watch anime and read dharma . So chill good life. I only need 10k more than they’re offering post license. Honestly I might even settle for 75k don’t tell them though

 

Haha C: Thanks man . It would be nice to get money. Just doing my best to not think about it till I’m licensed. My only concern was that it’s usually a struggle for me to break in at new companies . Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it . But like your friend it could all work out for the better

 

Day 72

slept better that’s good. Taking rest day. Also good idea. Just gonna use my big blanket. The space heater was too noisy

Gotta….go return things

 

Day 73

Mikasa has abs and is shadowboxing with mma gloves in the new AoT episodes. Looked cool. I wanna see that.

I'm almost through Dempseys Championship Boxing. I like it . Recovering from illness is like slowing down three notches. I'm quarantined till I feel better too which means I get more alone time. Lots of it.

Wednesday huh? I can see Cora Sunday at best. Friday is too soon I think. Pushing it. I definitely don't feel inclined to leave my home anytime soon. Maybe I can get groceries delivered.

I just want to play it safe and take it easy. But, other people keep tempting me back out into the risking for reward paradigm.

Sorry for all the golf analogies. But, they did a study on people taking risks to make birdies vs. just playing it safe for a par. They found that people most often played it safe. Very few would risk the safe par option vs. going for the Birdie. In conclusion people are more motivated to keep what they have than to risk what they have to get something more.

Therapist says it's about weighing the cost benefit of a choice. hm. Sometimes the cost is smaller than it seems and it's worth it to risk it for the biscuit

 

Day 73

hoooo phew exhales. I learned about how to recover from illness and fatigue from an article. Also working on my sleep hygiene.

yea I don’t seem to have much to say today. I made some decisions using cost benefit analysis. Feeling pretty good about them.

I want some chicken. Maybe I’ll go out and get some from lotte

 

Haha yea I was thinking similarly. If it doesn’t work I’ll go for something else. Either way I’ll win

 

Day 74

mah doctor told me I can exercise as much as my body allows but it may be good to rest a day or two till I feel better. So I’ll rest. Okay

Just let me do some easy rowing or marching in place and a couple stretches. Under 15 minutes at 50% effort

 

Day 75

I realized...I basically don't do full rest days lol. Just doesn't work for me. I get too antsy. I think I can have rest days though where I just do a little cardio and that's ok.

Gonna go for it with the upper yoga day tomorrow. Wonder if I can slog through that 1.5 hour yoga video @_@

I feel like I'm a different person when I'm with my gf. I'm not entirely sure what'll happen with these slightly different parts of me. Who I'll be in six months when we move in together.

But, I think I like who I am when I'm with her. I still have boundaries, friends and my own life. I'm just a lot more calm, peaceful and happy. I don't have an insatiable need to go to extreme lengths financially or athletically. I already feel happy with how my life is. Like all I want to do is protect and maintain the good life that we have together. C:

Crap I used so much Youtube today. But it totally helped me practicing my splits stretching. Reading martial arts books has been an excellent endeavor. Finishing Bruce Lee and Jack Dempseys books was good. Bruce taught me about the beauty of southpaw JKD. And dempsey taught me about boxing. Notably his example training schedules for pros and amateurs working jobs was great. Made me feel like I could understand what's a normal boxing schedule (in the 1920's lol)

Ah I miss Cora already. Soon as she leave I miss her. But I start to kind of forget about people and life when I get absorbed in my hobbies. Funny how that happens. It's not like I fully forget them but they just aren't on my mind as much. Tis normal.

I turned my phone off and put it away today. It really helped me just grind through all the crap I felt like doing. Twas great. yea I didn't study much this week been too tired but it's okay. I'll get it done. . . like tomorrow haha. I'll do what I can. I'm just wondering if I should try for 1.5 hours yoga video or 1 hour solo yoga no video.

I honestly don't feel liek doing youtube when I'm with Cora. All I wanna do is take really good care of my stress levels and exercise. Youtube does not help stress levels because it's too stimulating . . . I wanna be taking good care of myself because

Spoiler: sex

It helps me have much better sex with her. If I'm too stressed out I just don't even feel like having sex tbh. I maybe needa lay off on the online anime streams. And definitely lay off youtube. Do my solo yoga. I'll be fine.

When I'm by myself I always get sucked back into a mma gym somehow. take enough damage for 6 mos to a year. Then leave and take 6 mos to a year to recover and heal. When I'm with Cora I always just wanna stay away from gyms which have made me overdo it and get injured. Just doesn't gel with me. I want to stick around and stay healthy so we can have good sex consistently.

She isn't like demanding in bed . But I know she wants to do it fast. And that means I have to be well taken care of to perform. It didn't used to be like this but maybe being 34 and not drunk all the time means I actually have to take care of myself to do faster sex (and maintain semen retention). heh. I'm alright with that. It's just free motivation to keep my yoga practice strong.

I'm aware that if I need some time to recover from sparring that means I can't give her as good of sex or maybe not at all till I'm healed. I don't want to put us through that. I love MMA but Cora's been here for me. She loves and cares about me. Never hurts me or anything . MMA .... has not done those things for me. I don't think I can have sparring and Cora. So I'll pick her. At least that's what I'm trying to do.

I'm writing this now kind of as a reminder to myself. To not forget about it and go back to mma only to screw up my relationship because of it. may i remember

Wonder if I could get something to remind me of Cora consistently ? Like...a ring lol. Not a marriage one just sort of. A reminder ring. So I can remember her often.


I had a lot of fun today working calisthenics skills. Elbow lever planche handstand and front lever. The elbow I got and the front lever is getting closer. The others are....????? making progress lol.

The last one on the list would be back lever. Then a 90 degree push up would be utter madness. But also maximally awesome in the world of calisthenics.


Observing this pattern I think. Zen must not pay for gym memberships eternally. I kick butt at home. At the gym I get my butt kicked. Yes must stay out of gym membership fees

 

Day 75

enjoying singing and keeping my phone off and in a drawer in a galaxy far away.

 

that's an awesome idea. Wish I could put my phone in something that fancy. Or even a dollar store lockbox with a key would make it that much harder for me to get into it. Especially if I put the key and the box on opposite corners of the house! ^)^ great Idea man. I added a chrome extension: 'UNHOOK' it blocks all recommendations on youtube. It helps me not like binge youtube. Really I just try to stay off it though unless I need to lookup how to do yoga poses or to like fix a car or whatever.

 

Thank you so much C:

 

Day 77

I'm doing my best to not do any martial arts training with my friends again. It quickly led to sparring yesterday and now everyone's jacked up lol. I'm just glad there's no serious harm done but screw that I'm done. We can do calisthenics, yoga, or even cardio together. I'm not doing martial with anyone but myself for now. I read my MMA books, do my shadowboxing. And I stay healthy. That's it. That's the plan. Just ttyring to not get tempted away from it.

Phew I feel like I'm rambling. Can't wait to sleep. But I like this journal .

This lemon protein bar is so good. And it's pretty cheap too. Like 1.25. Wonder if I can get a bigger pack of the lemon or strawberry ones. Pure protein, the basic brand. at walmart.

My home gym is so decked out right now. I'm really happy with it. It suits my wants properly. I got my rower, pullup bar and gymnastics rings and now a pair of 30lb dumbbells. It's perfect C:

My dad lifts 25 lb dumbbells. So I'm planning to do the same exercises he does and just one-up him on the weight by 5lbs XD

That's silly. But it's funny. I based it on BAKI where he says 'I don't have to be the strongest just a little stronger than my old man.'

Of course I'll never beat my dad at the sports he was good at in his prime. But I know I can beat him at calisthenics and yoga so thats something heh.

Well I guess rowing too. I love that rower. I just need to rest some and take a walk or a jog instead for a couple days a week to give my arms a break. They be aching sometimes. BUt I wanna row everyday darn it. I'll see what my body can do....should probably take two days off. Okay let's pick the days. We'll say Wednesday and Ooh I forgot the new schedule. I can take off rowing like all the upper/yoga days. And even row like 10-20m on rest days to total 5 days rowing. With only two long rowing days of 30-60m. (okay I've never done more than 45minutes ahah). I think I'll like working some HIIT into it.

Spoiler: sex

I am trying to mimic the rhythms of ideal sex when I'm rowing. Like starting slow, then building up, then hitting a peak, then back down, and on and on again. Just trying to gradually build up, peak and down. Going in waves of tempo. Honestly my training is bizarre and unique. In that it's mostly aimed at trying to be better at sex and look good naked. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit that's the main goal of my training. Even getting buff was largely done to try to get a girlfriend. Now that it worked, I'm just trying to stay buff and increase cardio/yoga so I can be a better partner in bed. Also reducing stress and getting lots of quality sleep helps a lot. I think it's okay to avoid some people places or things in the name of relieving stress. So long as I'm getting my basic needs met: self-care, social and career (SSC). I won't push myself to do things that are high level anxiety provocation for me so long as I have everything I need in order to live a happy, healthy, holistic life. I think I have that irght now. I want to keep nurturing it. I'm gonna be looking forward to tomorrow. I mean today was a rest day but I should've just idk, walked, jogged or rowed lightly. That's my best rest day. well.....now what? I guess just maintain. I've spent the last 18 months working really hard to make it this far in my SSC. All I can do is keep doing what's been working.

I've never been in a place like this in my life where all major areas of my life were going well. I'm even getting into creative endeavors now with writing a novel (just for fun with friends). I'll probably hang with lele soon and we'll draw together. She's down to teach me stuff. I gotta help her somehow seems like she's been struggling

Oh well whatever. lol. I'll just try to keep my stress levels low here.

Agh!!!!!!

C:

 

Thank you ^_^ life’s been good gonna maintain boundaries

 

Day 78

Yay they fixed my toilet no more runny water noise. I’m so thankful I can finally watch anime on my tv in peace. Been a long time coming

mom never stopped talking to me when I watched at her place even after a good dozen requests to stop she never did. So, I dunno if I’ll ever go back more than like one night and note to self to never watch tv there unless she’s out of the house

watching in my office there is doable though

I’ll try to study at her office area and work in my office are when im back these two weeks. She won’t be there im just house sitting so don’t be concerned about me getting triggered

im hungry gonna workout upper now

 

Day 78

ommmmmmmm I slept without the use of my hypnosis aid. I feel like I can do anything. That’s been such an important tool for sleep for so long for me. Makes me feel like if I just work hard all day I can sleep and then I can live a real life without needing a whole hour of listening to sleep audio aids before bed to sleep. May it be so

 

Day 79

Oh shoot I'm back in the mma gym. I dunno what else they're called. Got a new years special, gave me a free shirt and gloves with a 6 week membership ?_? That's alright. It's muay thai only for now. That's good with me. I like the gym, the people there and their style. It's good with me.

I accepted that I'll do my best to stay safe and healthy in there. But that I'll train and spar period. I have to do it. There's something in me that refuses to live without regular training at an mma gym. I don't know why or what it really is. I just know it's probably that thing that Dana White's always talking about people having in them. So I'm fighting because that thing won't let me live the basic peaceful life my parents modeled for me.

Shrugs. Oh well, we all have our different passions I suppose.

Today was fun. Learned the long range jab. Got to hit the bag some. My overhand right needs work if I'll ever throw it. The rest of the punches seem ok. My solo peek a boo boxing training I've been doing with my book and youtube has actually paid off lol. It was working very well at defending punches today. I can't go into as low a crouch with it as Tyson did or I wouldn't be able to check kicks. That doesn't matter when you're at mid-close range though.

BJJ was good of course. My bjj sock really save my skin, literally. I got to get in some powerlifting after. Could still do 155x5 on a squat and 185x5 on a deadlift after a couple hours of class and a few months away from barbells. Not bad C:

I'd love to get that weight up. My goal is to get a muay thai black belt (yes in the modern era some gyms offer those now). And a bjj blue belt would also be good. I'm gonna keep trying till I get my belts. I basically smile all the time so I don't really make determined face like Goku. so....I'm determined smiling now lol.

I ....I'll get 2-3 days at the gym this week. Then it's time to go back to mom's for a week off sadly. But I don't mind tbh, it's just more time I can work on reading mma books, shadowboxing, and even swimming/rowing for better cardio. Swimming has slowly crept back into view since my elbows ache from rowing and dips. Swimming's been the most effective way of healing and preventing that elbow pain for some reason. Also drinkin willow bark extract helps too.

Ah I'll miss the bags a lot. I wonder if I'll even make it through the week with mom. Maybe I'll just end up not staying there idk.

If I came back Sunday night to my place. And trained at the gym during the week. Then thursday night I'm back at mom's. That could definitely work. Just go to mom's on the weekends basically. Fri-Sun. I could deal with that.

Then I can get my 2-4 days of training at the gym in and utilize these six weeks. ommmm?????

trial.....six weeks......

I love my $50 hayabusa gloves they is awesome and so worth the money for the upgrade. I don't think I need any more gear till I upgrade the membership to full mma. Then I'll want some more bjj socks. Also I need another shirt uniform but that can't cost more than 20$. Sooo that's fine.

Okokok time to sleep

I am watching no tv during the workweek now. Weekends I'll watch after I've completed by 5 hours study time for the week. Studying's going well. I'm gald glad

See you in Valhalla