Oblivious to Romance

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by WuTangFinancial, Jul 17, 2017.

  1. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    I posted this in another category and I am pretty sure it was the wrong one so I brought it to here. I hope it is appropriate now.

    I have been struggling with PMO for almost 14 years and in my times of abstinence, I am greatly aware of the improvements. Yet sometimes, for reasons that do not appear to be consistent, I fall into relapse and suffer from a serious down for various amounts of time. Throughout this 14 year period I was able to lose a bunch of weight, (over 100 pounds, in a healthy way), eat healthy, exercise, go outside in general, socialize, etc. I even traveled around the world, made great friendships and broke out of my shell. During this time I found ways to indulge in PMO and always tore myself apart for it. In some cases I believe it ruined some of my experiences while traveling simply because it skewed my perception of reality.

    The struggles I seem to have the most trouble with are larger life decisions (jobs, housing, hobbies) and finding the appeal of a relationship.

    To help paint a picture, because of PMO and other reasons, I have never pursued a relationship. To this day I have never actually been in a romantic relationship. From my teen years until my early 20's I had terrible attachment issues that I addressed later on by avoiding romantic encounters. Now, only a few years later, I still avoid any encounter with a woman that is not strictly platonic. I am absolutely terrified of woman who are interested in me. More times than I can count did I run from a situation or caused some sort of self-sabotage. To be honest, beside PMO side-effects (which I have learned to recognize), I do not know how to deal with this. Now, more than ever, I would like to resolve this issue because there is a woman who is very dear to me and I am scared that I cannot interpret our relationship realistically. It would feel good to be able to share feelings with this person from a standpoint of confidence and not questionable doubt.
     
  2. What actually means oblivious? Uncaring? Indiffrent? English is not my native language so I can't help you until you'll nail down the definition. I don't want to give improper advice on something I don't even have idea about, so if you'll do it, then I would try to help you. I really want to but I can't right now :D
     
  3. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    In this context I use oblivious to refer to my unawareness in romantic relationships, not uncaring. Indifference comes and goes but I know that is just nonsense. My ability to read intimate situations in a healthy and real way is where I fall short. I imagine part of it is due to overthinking but at the same time there tends to be feeling of inadequacy that coincide with it.
     
  4. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    Sup WuTang,
    The biggest piece of advice that I can give you is to focus on living in the moment. If you let your mind sike you out of pursuing a romantic relationship then you need to retrain it. The best way is to just tell yourself you are going to do something and then you go and do it without thinking about what you will say, what you will do, etc etc. Just focus on telling this girl straight up about how you feel about your relationship and go with the flow of what happens. The more and more confidence you build up the easier it will get. Good luck dude!

    -TheBigBadWolf
     
    WuTangFinancial likes this.
  5. Well, In that case, I would advice you that you need to take the lead of all interactions with women. That means, that you need to have a proper goal in your mind and pursue it like that's the last thing you'll ever do. Nothing happens by coincidence. That's from one point of view.

    The second point of view is this - Don't overthink and overanalyze things. Let them happen, and they will happen in right time. Just go with the flow of interaction. If you had at least one time in your life feel the need of kissing a girl, you'll know what I mean. If not, then look for my first advice, cause it won't work in this situation.

    Good luck ;)
     
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  6. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    Thanks brothers for the advice, I will work on having a better approach and mentality.
     
  7. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Dude i got the same problem as you man.
     
  8. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear that brother, I think I am starting to see why I do it. For years I have had habitually negative thinking and I created a reality in my mind that was not accurate. The balance is hard to find between observing things as good and joyful and being realistic. The highs FEEL great but the aftermath can be destructive. Lows are no better but it seems that PMO may create spikes or drops in emotions that are hard to interpret. I have noticed after using NoFap that many of our struggles are directly correlated with PMO, even those of us who grew in broken homes. PMO is an escape from having to deal with real problems and life situations. It is an easy escape at that. With this support system and hopefully ones outside of this, we can all overcome this trial. Stay strong brother.
     
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  9. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    I'm exactly the same... I have a super negative mindset when it comes to relationships that kills off all possibility of starting one, well at least one i want. I will send you private email, maybe we can help each other.
     
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  10. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    It has been very stressful throughout my youth, I understand brother! Shoot me a message anytime, we can get through this.
     
  11. Ch@d

    [email protected] New Fapstronaut

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    Maybe think about ways to communicate that are natural in the context of moving towards a romantic relationship from a platonic one?

    Example: I like you, I'm enjoying spending time with you, I feel very comfortable around you, etc.. followed by a sweet compliment ("and I find you painfully cute"), followed by a question, "Do you think we might be moving towards dating?"

    If she answers no, then follow up with, something like "Thanks, I just wasnt sure how you felt.. I'm really ok with that, I'm really enjoying getting to know you and I think we'll make pretty good friends".. maybe make a joke though too.. "I'm sure my parents would be thrilled if I brought a beautiful girl home for dinner sometime.. if I'm still single next time I'm stuck with something with the relatives, promise you'll stand in for me?"

    I'm fairly asexual and aromantic myself (always have been, even before developing a bit of a porn addiction -- and I'm completely okay with that). For me, platonic relationships can be romantic in that Id do the same sort of activities I would when I was out on a date anyway. I tend to run from relationships because I find other people too clingy/needy and I like a lot of space and alone time. When initially dating someome there's the excitement of something new and I tend to spend more time with someone when I'm getting to know them-- which, because I'm so witty, funny and attractive (sarcasm) it sometimes makes the person I'm dating think that that's the level of interaction that I want to maintain or that I want to get closer to them more quickly than I'd really like. For this reason, I try to space out the time I spend with them as I'm getting to know them to something that is closer to what I'd want if we did get more serious.

    I'm not projecting my weirdness onto you, but just sharing how I deal with these situations because I tend to bolt if a relationship gets too serious too quickly too.

    I married a woman who was a lot like me. We lived our separate lives and had lots of space for a couple of years before we lived together and eventually got married. We were married for lots of years and many of them were pretty good. I think even odd ducks who don't approach relationships in traditional ways can often find something that works.. it just takes the right kind of person and then the right kind of communication to make it work. I know for some people, they avoid forming deep ly intimate relationships (or they bolt when things get too serious too quickly) because of some past experience or trauma. For me, its just who I am & omce I accepted that, it was easier for me to communicate comfortably in that context with the people I dated. If doing so scared someone away, then it was a relationship that wouldnt have worked out anyway.

    I'm older and wiser now, and now I'm getting to know a woman who I think may be in my life for a while if we continue to like each other. We may remain friends and I'd like that too-- we're likely to spend more time with each other initially because we're still getting to know each other, so I explained that I figured we'd spend more time together for a while than we might normally do at least initially as we're getting to kmow each other and then probably settle into something where we had really good time together, but not necessarily as much of it. Turns out, she feels the same way-- so that was sort of a relief to me.

    I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but it might be to someone!

    Good luck!
     
  12. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    Part of the frustration comes from having so many platonic relationships with women and not developing anything with any of them. Although, PMO use made me behave foolishly so I understand that I should probably reboot before I contemplate anything romantic at all.

    Your words have been very helpful, I feel I carry some of the same characteristics about desiring space and alone time. I tend to keep distance because I worry about clingy and needy behavior. I have notice that my desires have been changing and I am having a hard time because I do not know how to handle these feelings. Communicating is something I would consider myself good at but talking to women about feelings is next to impossible for me because of the same reason as most: I do not want to face rejection. Even though I know it isn't the worst thing in the world and that life moves on...because I have little experience opening up to someone in that way, fear drives me to run away.

    For instance, the situation with the woman I mentioned in my original post already feels like it is not going to turn into anything and I have a hard time dealing with that.

    My mind is drawing a blank on this subject...thanks for you words brother!
     
  13. Ch@d

    [email protected] New Fapstronaut

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    I don't have experience when it comes to the fear of rejection, I just don't mind it.

    I know this can be a powerful thing though and maybe goes along with fear of failure in other areas of your life?

    I'm not sure this applies, but I used to manage a large team of people when I still worked. It was important to me to help my employees to develop new skills and meet new responsibilities that were sometimes out of their comfort level (giving presentations, traveling to meet with customers, learning SQL, etc).

    Aside from positive reinforcement,which you maybe can get from other friends, the thing that helped my employees most to overcome their doubts and fears of failure was to break things up into "baby steps", where failing at one particular small thing wouldn't be devastating & they would feel comfortable trying again: making a few slides for MY presentation, scripting a small bit that they could interject in a talk I was giving to a large group, taking a co-worker with them on a customer visit, etc.

    I don't know what your "baby steps" might be -- an maybe you don't either. This might be a very good thing to discuss with a therapist with whom you feel comfortable.
     
  14. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    That would make some sense, I did have a rough home life growing up and did not receive proper support when I was child. Additionally, I was bullied throughout my youth and that only added to the stress of not having support at home. In the midst of all of this, I began PMO, which would only create a more unstable life. I have addressed a number of these things and grown from them.

    Sometimes I fight myself on success, self-sabotage if you will. I know that I have the capacity to do well in the areas I focus but I become so self-defeating that I cause my own downfalls through poor behavior or just straight indifference. Keeping my motivation constant has always been challenging and I wonder if PMO is playing a big role in that. I have done various lengths of time without it and I always notice a change but relapse ensues when there is weakness. However, running from problems with weed and porn has always been a solution to upsetting engagements. These patterns are starting to stand out and I have been addressing them with determination.

    Ironically enough, I gave someone else the same advice about rebooting and creating platonic relationships before jumping in to a romantic relationship. I did not even realize I needed to take my own advice...

    Thanks friend, this has been very constructive.
     
  15. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

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    I have greatly benefited from counselling, and I highly recommend it. If you know you have difficulty with attachment and deep-seated fears, going to a pro to help walk you through the process is definitely worth considering.
    If you want to resolve it - what are you going to do about it?
     
  16. WuTangFinancial

    WuTangFinancial Fapstronaut

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    I am going to continue with my reboot and relinquish my sexual desires for a time so I can focus on my goals. My emotions are all over the place and it has been 14 years of PMO, so I cannot even say that I know how to approach life without it. As my mind clears I believe I am perfectly capable of pursuing the life that I desire. I have invested so much energy into sexuality, porn, speculations of women, hardly enough time developing the things that I believe I have a gift for. I have no intention for marriage, children, a home, etc. It almost doesn't make sense that I invest so much time into something that has given me no return. The issue seems to be motivation and if my understanding is correct, then PMO has to go. It may not be a magic cure but I know that I am a capable and social human and these fluctuations are based on poor decisions and seclusion. Thanks for the suggestions friend.
     

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