Obsessive Validation

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jun 21, 2018.

  1. Lately I feel like I have been struggling with wanting to feel important to other women in an unhealthy way, and it’s becoming detrimental to my progress because I want to relapse.

    At the gym, the women I have introduced myself to, I find wanting to talk to them more and more, I don’t go out of my way to talk to them, I wait for them to come up to me and they approach me to say “hey, good morning” and I want to talk to them and chat because I like and enjoy the conversation now that communication has been established.

    At work, I have gotten so much better at talking To the women I work with, and have started email chains and it’s easy conversation, but I find myself wanting them respond back immediately, and get impatient, and try to find reasons to talk to them in person.

    Even on here, I have been yearning at my inbox. But even so I’m not expecting anything sexual, but now I feel so obsessive over attention, and over analyzing “don’t make it obvious, make it seem casual etc” I know this is not normal, I just don’t know why I need this validation to talk to women lately, because I don’t really have sexual fantasies about these women as much since talking to them, but am I replacing that with the validation?
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  2. Jimmer Miles

    Jimmer Miles Fapstronaut

    Hey man - I hear what you are saying. I'm currently going through the need for obsessive validation myself, and it is rough. I think you probably have unmet needs that you are looking for a woman to meet, which is totally normal. In the past, these needs were met through porn and masturbation (but at a price, obviously). Now you are walking around with a whole bunch of unmet needs and this can be very tough and painful. However, you are not alone and the fact that you are on this journey is going to help you identify and meet these needs.

    I would suggest a few things:

    1) Try and figure out what your needs are that aren't being met. Is it the need for love? For closeness? The need to be liked? The need to be admired?
    2) Google "attachment theory" and even consider buying and reading the book "attached" by dr. amir levine (it's also available on audible).

    Let me know if you have any questions man. Congratulations on the 37 days!
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  3. seaguy44

    seaguy44 Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I know how that is.

    There are several ways to explore this.

    1) Sexual - Do you want to be validated as a MAN and receive that validation from WOMEN? Is this need met? If not, what are the obstacles?
    2) Platonic - Do you want to be validated as a MAN and receive that validation from women? do you have enough platonic female friends that can validate you as a MAN. Is this need met? If not, what are the obstacles.

    It's also important to have male friendship too.

    Do you feel validated as a MAN from other men? Do you have male friends?

    It's important to be fulfilled by all of people who recognize you and validate you.. Once they validate you, your obsession will ease and turn to be healthy.

    We can chat more privately. I'll share my experiences
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  4. Wow. I absolutely agree with this when you break it down like that and it does feel like I don’t know what those unmet needs actually are.

    Not love. Closeness, yes. To be liked, yes. To be admired, possibly. I don’t want to be afraid to talk to women anymore, and lately I have been more social and easy to talk to. The interaction makes me feel better, more confident overall whether it’s in the gym or the workplace. I do not want to exist, I want to live and talk to and know a little if anything about the women I see in my daily life.

    I do not have female friends at all, and I although I wouldn’t call the women I have spoken to lately at lengthy periods my friends, it’s great having their feedback and seeing how they think and what they feel about their lives and insecurities, relating to them and conversating.

    I have plenty of male friends, and I do feel feel validated from these male friends. And through NoFap I have opened up and become closer to them about a lot of things. I guess I want that same comfort with women I am constantly around. My co-workers, The regulars at the gym. Just being able to talk and not be the quiet guy who came in and worked out, or the quiet guy who came in and did his job.
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  5. The Pacific Life

    The Pacific Life Fapstronaut

    In today's world of instant communication and speed we live our lives its perfectly normal for us to fall into the trap of expecting instant response, validation, attention and replies. I know I've fallen into the same trap from notifications here to Facebook likes and messages to text responses. Not sure if it's because I like to try and respond quickly to others and expect them to do the same or if its something else. We all need to take a step back and slow down and enjoy life, we fail to realize just how bust the other person(s) we are waiting on are. Maybe it's a side effect of your reboot in that you're becoming more sociable and are yearning to use this reacquired desire to communicate with others. After all humans are social creatures.
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  6. donuts24

    donuts24 Fapstronaut

    I feel both those things y'all are saying

    42 days in this thing, validation and obsessiveness are like a high spped race right now

    just reaching out saying I get


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  7. HI @ShockTheSystem , I really like this thread and the answers to it ---- this is deep and shows true vulnerability. I thought I would just make a few observations:
    I think we all have a need to be validated --- all of us. Not needing validation, for a wholly social-animal as we are, that is abnormal imho. You needing and seeking feedback from others, especially women, is really normal, I think. And that is ok.
    I think we all need to practice "interacting" --- chatting to other people is fun and normal and a way to get, I think, geared up for the time when the "game gets real" ---- when you finally meet that girl (or guy) that just might be "the one" and you have a bit of experience being comfortable with talking to a person you find attractive. Face it: we all get kinda nervous when we find someone attractive, and we bounce between being too coy or shy or too aggressive and eager. It is a balance, and practicing that is helpful.

    I would not overthink this one too much ---- it is good to be aware BUT being out there and chatting up others is healthy. Especially, as you say, that you are NOT targeting them sexually ---- THIS IS SUPER DUPER HEALTHY, my good man, that you see them FIRST as people and are comfy enough to do that. Guys that think everything is sexual are misdirected. The sexiest thing ever is a guy that sees a woman first as a person....so keep doing you, boo, really! :)

    You are a super good man. I know this from our other convo's. Just be you, keep growing, and keep getting healthy.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2018
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  8. Very well said! I do think it is a side effect or my yearning to feel important, even though I’m not seeking these woman, It’s really I just don’t want to seem boring or stale and to keep the conversation going more than anything.

    You’re the hammer and nailed it, perfectly Jamie_K_ :) It’s more interacting with people in general and feeling more confident as a person. Even with guys i work with I am working on talking to superiors and standing out and being vocal so I can shine through. Women that I find attractive have been the challenge because I do not want to oversexualize them anymore and have that human connection of “this is a good person that I can talk to now”

    Yes! And that’s what I’m pushing away is that not all conversation if any of them are sexual, it’s just a sense of being comfortable around people and being able to see that it’s not looks that make someone, because everyone has something they don’t like or their flaws and all it takes is simply talking and getting past the first step of saying “hello” to know more.

    You are an AMAZING and lovely woman. Keep being you too, and thank you for everything :)
  9. I’d like to talk more about your validation ideas. I don’t know if I’m exceptionally needy or just not validated by my wife so seek other validation.
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