OCD, Anxiety, and Depression.

I feel as though many of us never truly recognized the monster that is porn. For me it all started as I was a kid who was always afraid of everything. A truly deep thinker and ruminator. I was a romantic and nip slips and boob shots in movies was my first porn. Like a drug that I needed to tap back into. I was warned at a young age by my older brother about the damage porn had caused in his life so I also had a healthy fear and shame of it. As I began my teen years, anxiety struck like a brick. I didn’t know how to cope and my dad was in a coma and he’d later pass away while I was still in a whirlwind of anxiety. Naturally I gravitated towards things that gave me comfort in life. God, TV, Video games, staying home all the time(I was pulled from school because of severe anxiety) and of course, porn. As you can see the first one clashed with the last bringing me a lot of shame. Enter the next addiction that fueled my further porn decent, OCD. I view it as something apart from us humans. We attach ourselves to these behaviors that make us feel safe from the obsessive fear over thoughts or situations. Mine started as mostly physically seen compulsions like not leaving my mom and following her everywhere(she was my comfort), and staying home as much as I could. Then naturally the more I shrunk my world the more I took on new obsession. What used to be a fear of the fear itself and panic attacks became a fear of God not existing. Oh no. My one main comfort in life taken away by doubt? That was hell. However, I ran from God. Knowing his presence in my life, yet running to avoid fear and doubt. Naturally I went deeper into porn. It was my escape. I looked up all types of porn. What started as naked women, turned into sex, turned into hardcore, turned into anal, turned into young and old, turned into incest, turned into beastiality, turned into gay porn. The gay porn started with a shred of curiosity. Then when I realized I was feeling a slight twitch that’s when a whirlwind of anxiety and depression hit. I would say for the next few years all I did was worry about being gay and obsess all the time. And test in every way possible. Checking, through porn, am I in denial? Looking at all men in public, am I attracted to them? Looking at every girl in public to reassure I was into girls. Most things became a trigger for uncomfortable times. Comparing myself to everyone. They came out, and are kinda like me, am I gay? Why can’t I be confident like him around girls, is it because I’m into men? On and on. Slowly I started to watch gay porn habitually to remind myself of how much disinterest I have in it until one fateful day. I became fully aroused and filled tons of anxiety. But this time anxiety seemed to fuel more intense erection. I climaxed and it felt stronger than my long burned out climax to vanilla stuff. Have I truly discovered I am gay? I didn’t seem to know me anymore. I’d questioned so much about myself and doubted me so much I didn’t feel I knew who or what I was. Over the years I tried to lose porn but as I’d stay away, get some attraction back for girls, I’d always go back. It was my comfort zone from my doubt and grief I’d never fully felt after all. Life moved on and I started working out a ton. I got really fit and confident but porn always stuck around. I seemed to keep questioning my sexuality but it was less and less anxiety more like a background noise. I could usually shoot down rumination attempts of my old fears, Is god real?, am I gonna lose my mind?, am I gonna have another panic attack and become depressed?, but I’d still never really faced them, and the unhealthy habits of porn and living in my head to keep out unwanted thoughts persisted. Then I met my wife. The best woman I know and who I am so undeserving of. She changed me and introduced me to love and sex but as you all know every moment was met with a small dose of anxiety and doubt that overshadowed the full potential of my connection with her. We dated for years before I proposed because I was terrified of coming out of the closet and breaking her heart, but I always somehow did the harder thing and took action with my life instead of letting my fear choose for me. I thank God for that and give him the credit. So I married her, knowing I loved her to death, was scared of my doubt in myself and sexuality all at the same time. A big note as my mom who was once my rock passed a year before we married. When my mom passed I didn’t feel a ton of sadness, but surprisingly a lot of peace. I knew God had her, but also I was a bit disturbed that I felt kind of numb. I didn’t know years of hiding from my thoughts and fears would numb me to actual tragedy and would stunt my ability to fully feel. So this bothered me for a while but I kept going. Over the years I had great times with my wife and months where I was fearing my sexuality. Each time the fear or doubt would subside I would feel 100% confident in my straightness. It’s like I was bipolar how different I could feel at times. However the porn and keeping God at arms reach persistent as ever. I didn’t know I was slowly numbing myself away to life. I thought, “we’ll I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I’ll be fine”. Boy was I wrong. I finally broke down again. And it was just like when I was that same little boy years ago. It all started back up with a panic attack. I ruminated my days away after that and deserted myself back into the OCD cycle fully. Fearing everything and doubting every aspect of myself. The first major positive? I clung to Jesus. I’d almost all but left God behind but he never gave up on me. Even as I doubt him every once in a while I know it’s my doubt in myself and not God. The second biggest blessing of the breakdown? I needed to finally confront OCD. No more will I not learn the tools and get help for this monster that I created. I taught my brain years of rumination, mental checking, and over-analyzing that reinforces my doubts and fears and need for certainty. I can finally peel back the layers of every fear by asking why do I fear this? For me they all pointed to the fear of losing control, and being trapped. Losing control of my mind then my actions and then being trapped by that in turmoil. Depression, being gay when I don’t desire that, god not being there, mental turmoil, being stuck in mental illness forever… I can now face those fears knowing they’re just thoughts with feelings and I can take action. We can Always take action despite how we feel. The 3rd biggest thing? Porn is easier to kick. So far I’ve watched on 3 or 4 separate occasions in a 2 month span and that’s unthinkable for me not to long ago. I opened up to my wife when shit hit the fan and I’m motivated to be a better husband to her and from her belief in me and her compassion she shows to me. Already sex is way better and connected. I’m no longer questioning myself and motives when I make love to her it’s awesome. I still have a gay intrusive thought or two but my obsessions change more often now which is good sign. It shows I’m disengaging the thoughts better so it’s latching on to any doubt it can. Remember OCD is an addiction that can be parted from. It’s only been two months but life forced my hand to confront things same as porn. I will leave porn behind and im convinced it’ll propel me past OCD someday but compassion and kindness for yourself is the best way to go about it. It takes time to undo the years of pain and numbing we’ve all built up. It doesn’t happen overnight so take the pressure off of yourselves. One day at a time. Thank God every day for at least one thing you have. Meditate. Instead of hoping just meditation will save you and make you present look at the areas in your life where you tend to ruminate and live in your head and practice being present and mindful in those moments. It’s frustrating but it takes time to habituate our thinking, and brains. Im not done on my journey and I’ll only keep growing. Remember you can pick up bad habits and lose good ones but you’ll never forget the tools you learn for life. Therapy tools, meditation, prayer. They’re there to stay and will get you out of tough situations. Accept where you’re at, God loves you RIGHT there. No more no less. Accept things as they are and be still. When you’re anxious or depressed allow the feelings. Feel them and just be present without trying to solve it. You’re gonna kick pmo you can do this!

 

Thank you very much. I oughta check them out. I’m still navigating my own journey so anything helps.