Off my chest, wished that I never met that girl 10 years ago!

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Jonny1992, Sep 11, 2019.

  1. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

    Hello Guys,

    There is something that is really really bugging me. Really.
    10 years ago I made contact with a girl. I was someone, who always need hugs and comfort. She was 5 years older than me. And she was always like a bigger sister to me.
    I don’t have brothers and sisters, and thats why I felt alone, and wished for closeness.
    I got older 20 or something like that, and I noticed she fell in love with me, a porn addict that felt always like a girl never could fall in love with me! But I was shocked, that she wanted to be more than friends. And I broke up contact, did not wrote her, changed my numbers and I was feeling way better, until last year!

    She and her family moved in another country, and one day I met one of her friends, and they asked me if I did know how, lets call her Mila, how Mila is doing. I said I don’t know, but she got her number, gave me it and I started to write with her, I thought, just ask her how she is doing and then let it be ... if it would be like that.

    And this is where I wished, That I never did this step, never. I would like to go back in the past and change everything about my life, I am regretting it.

    We talked about sex, and I wanted to help her, but if would have been better, if she just talked with her female friends about it, because it was triggering for me, and also her. It ended that we mastrubated together and showed to each other how we look like. She was hot, but I don’t like small boobs. I love to cuddle but I don’t love it when a woman is to thin, really Nothing against her, but I don’t like that.

    And over one year we did it once in two months or something like that. And I asked her which position she would like, and showed her gifs and videos. And I feel sooooo bad that I did that, I really feel bad and still regret that. i know how dangerous porn can be, how it destroyed life of many others, and why did I idiot gave her that drug. And this year we completely broke up contact, and I am glad, but I asked her once, if everything is fine with her and that I hoped that she is not addicted to porn and she is not, I was very very relieved!

    But thx to the kick, of online mastrubating I started in July to mastrubate with webcam models, and finished it in August!

    And this is why I regret the contact with her:

    I wouldn’t have know, how sexting is and there for there wouldn’t be the wish to mastrubate online with girls, if you never were addicted to weed you don’t want to smoke weed.

    And I never showed some other porn, besides her ... but

    I feel very very very terrible about it and sometimes I feel good, but sometimes, when I am reminded of that, I fall in a hole and am really depressed, life makes no sense to me, and I would like to end it. But what keeps me away from this is, how my mother and friends would suffer, if I wouldn’t be there anymore. I love them And I don’t want them to suffer, I really don’t want them to suffer.

    Why I feel bad, depressed and lose sometimes sense in my life? Because for me, it was really Evil what i did, selfish and not respecting the rights of others!

    Guys ... and to those who read this. I am not a good example but one advise.

    Don’t do things, you will regret and bear it a long time in your life, this short pleasure, is not worth the pain, and for me, you are also not worth to suffer!

    Good day!

    Edit: Now that I wrote everything, maybe I can let go of the past, and be careful, not to repeat the mistakes, that is the reason, why I gave my smartphone away, to not be able to chat with her. Thats over 2 months now, and I am thinking about getting my smartphone back! But my conscience is warning me, I don’t want other regrets, don’t know how to handle that! I really lost a lot, thx to porn! I always think, the my friends would be better without me.
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
    White Sheep and Tiger1 like this.
  2. TheRIghtChoise

    TheRIghtChoise Fapstronaut

    I know about this kinds of feeling. It's caused by PMO. PMO makes us hate ourselves. PMO is like an artificial you that you let in, it will destroy your ambition, dreams, emotions and will make you think only about P or PMO like activity.

    This is some hard truth, from someone who is older than you, and has been in this destructive PMO cycle for a lot longer than you. You know we are good, that's why I can tell you this.

    NOBODY REALLY CARES. Does anybody care about that one homeless person who keeps on drugging himself in his own misery? ANd then begs for help? No, that person is a dead weight to society. He exists, but he doesnt contribute to nothing. Maybe has a kid somewhere but he doesnt care. He begs for money and gets more drugs. Thats it.

    I have been like this for years. I am still struggling hard with it. I WAS A PATHETIC LOSER IN ALL MY JOBS. I WAS INCOMPETENT AND ASOCIAL BECAUSE MY MIND WAS GONE. People, including my boss, used to make fun of me behind my back, put stickers on my back like a high school prank. AND I LET THEM DO IT. I DIDNT REALLY CARE. Because I would go home and watch P and everything would be ok for 5 mins. LIFE CAN BE LIKE THIS. EVEN THOUGH IM TALL, NOT BAD LOOKING, HAVE A KUNG FU BACKGROUND, I DIDNT HAVE EMOTIONS OR A MIND, just a blank depressive stare.

    But you know what? SO what? It's my problem. People just want to get rid of you.

    The reason? PMO. PMO caused this. It did it to me . It did it to you. We are fucked by perversion.

    Quit PMO, STOP ANY PMO KIND OF BEHAVIOUR and you will change. If not? Then stay like this. It's possible. People commit suicide all the time because they cant handle life. ANd the people will say: 'Oh, he's better off , he seemed depressed all the time'

    Its not cancer, its still a choice, every relapse is still a choice. You have to understand this.

    Lets make the right choice together, alright? Love you, man. Let's do this shit.
    Jonny1992 likes this.
  3. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut


    Yeah, you are right, many people doesn’t care about drug addicts! Thats why I am thinking about the ones who really care about me. I don’t want them ti suffer, even now on this forum I noticed how friends suffer, cause I relapsed a lot. Talked to a friend, he will help me making my devices saver, and honestly, I nearly fall back on camgirls, I am glad that I stopped it!

    Ok, lets continue our fight, I want to be a better version of myself.

    Thx buddy, together we git this, I feel motivated!

    See ya

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