OK, so she busted me again and here's how..

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Springjim2000, Mar 29, 2017.

  1. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    I've always been interested in perceptions.

    It's relative of course; what is acceptable to one person is unacceptable to another.

    And my PMO habit, my crutch, my guilty secret, my fantasy world of endless and impossibly beautiful females was / is a big part of my life.

    My perception of this secret private world is one of excitement and glamour.

    Hey, you know how it is - isn't it great to get through a humdrum drizzly winter day with tedium and boringness and then smash technicolor style into a world of seriously fit chicks, suggestive poses, luscious long sheeny hair and perfect smiles.

    They all felt close. I had my favourites and whilst the Coolidge effect (google this) would move me onto other stonkingly receptive pixelated females, I could never have enough.

    I felt that I needed to 'serve' or at least 'acknowledge' (wink) all these beauties.

    How could I ever win this and remain the Alpha Beachmaster???

    Ofcourse I couldn't, it was me vs the whole blinking internet.

    So, after a week or so of abstinence, I embarked on a final fap. And this time, I did something different - I filmed my face whilst doing it on my iPhone..

    *************

    Looking back at that short video now is extraordinary. There are Three things that are noticeable and they all fill me with shame and hoplessness and have ultimately checked me in here amongst you fine people.

    Firstly, rather than the super stimulating beauty I see and worship during these sessions, I see me.
    And I'm not looking at my best; a crazed, lolling face, dull addicted eyes and greying hair (I've just turned 40).
    Not the images that i usually associate with 'happy time' but, a new perception.
    A perception of the reality of what actually is and what things actually look like in the real world, not my PMO fantasy.

    Secondly and by extraordinary coincidence, behind my swaying body, a framed picture of my mother on the wall looking down at me.
    Ok, I'm not that freaked out by the whole 'wank senance' thing, but it's just uncanny that she is in the Video. It's as if the dots are joining together.

    Lastly, (and thanks for reading thus far).... a noise.
    It's my wife calling to say she's home whilst ascending the stairs.
    (My face at this time is contorted in ecstasy. And also a sad look, one of accepted shame. Its not the first time she has caught me at it..)

    So here I am before you all. A snapshot of 24 hours, but in truth a snapshot of 24 years and life is frankly going by too fast now these days.

    I don't post to forums as a rule, but I've been utterly motivated by what I have read so far.

    In for a penny, in for a pound, my new way, my new self starts here.

    Thanks for reading.

    Springjim
     
    Jason911, iWILL123, b91 and 13 others like this.
  2. Ignatius McLumfer

    Ignatius McLumfer Fapstronaut

    13
    42
    13
    Good for you brother. It takes courage to get this far - I think you and I are at the same stage. Probably 20 years of my life wasted with this problem, several failed relationships, and possibly a divorce in the offing, which has finally awakened me to the need for change.
     
  3. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
    iWILL123, Bryaan and Springjim2000 like this.
  4. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    Yes, I'm with you on this. Our marriage is suffering, PMO is more expedient than meaningful sex and she has therefore resigned herself to this.

    I've had several failed relationships before this too, and the guilt and regret still rages at times. I'm not blaming PMO entirely, but it weakens you confidence as a man, as well as your energy?

    On we go!
     
    D . J . likes this.
  5. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    DJ, no strategy at all. (Although I will read up round here and get tips)

    A vague goal though - 91 days reboot with not PMO and exercise and better living during this time.

    I have an interest in Taoist sexual practises (withholding 0) during intimate sex, so thought if I achieve reboot, I might attempt that. Not sure if there are any people on that thread here at the moment, but maybe..
     
    oreogirl likes this.
  6. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

    865
    1,272
    123
    Welcome to this community! You will fine a lot of awesome support here. This is a long and difficult journey, but one well worth it.

    Here are some things I recommend:

    -Start a journal to keep track of your thoughts and feelings throughout your journey, analyze them. Often times you can discover new things that can help your recover.
    -Create a set of rules for your reboot
    -Create some goals
    -Create a plan of action so when you feel triggered you can enact it immediately saving precious seconds
    -Identify your triggers and as soon as you start feeling triggered, enact your plan of action without even thinking
    -Remember to be patient, take one day at a time
    -If you do relapse, learn from it, adjust your plan of action and rules and move forward - don't be to hard on yourself
    -Educate yourself. A good place to start is yourbrainonporn.com

    I hope this helps, Stay strong!
     
  7. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
  8. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    415
    781
    93
    This is so refreshing to read. A lot of the men here fail to see that what they are doing has very little to do with sex. When I first confronted my SO and he was in porn addiction defense mode he made a comment along the lines of, "so what? I like pussy" I had an "omg moment," like he is actually equating this with "getting pussy". I was like, "dude, you're not having sex, you are whacking off to images of women who, A: aren't even actually being sexually pleased, and B: would likely be out of your league in real life." Good for you for realizing how pathetic it really is. As a woman I can tell you there is nothing more emasculating to imagine than a grown man, slumped over his computer screen, playing with himself to images of women whom he would likely never have a chance with in real life. I really believe porn robs men of any positive "masculine" traits and keeps them in some sort of suspended pubescent adolescent state. As the SO of a recovering PA, let me assure you that, how you saw yourself in the moment, is how your wife sees you as a porn user. The fact that she has to "catch you" says it all. A good woman wants a man, not a sneaky little boy, who is willing to risk his real life relationships, just for a chance to see yet another set of boobies. Porn lies. It tells you you are a Don Juan with a harem of beautiful, willing women, but it actually turns you in to a sad manchild, who often becomes too lazy, unmotivated and messed up about what sex is, to actually have any.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2017
  9. oreogirl

    oreogirl Fapstronaut

    585
    1,687
    123
    Fucking brilliant, nicely done. My husband is a year into recovery, he was ready after a lifetime of PMO that wasted his time, his body, his self. He still has healing to do, but he is amazed how much better life is. Even though he still doesn't know how to fill all that time, like losing a part time job where the pay is shame and inactivity but you just can't quit, life is sweeter. Best of luck, journal, as any 40 year old knows, time goes by in the blink of an eye, so amazing to look back, especially when you feel like change isn't happening fast enough, you can look back and see the progress. Does your wife know about your.plan to move into recovery?
     
  10. EverythingIsConnected

    EverythingIsConnected Fapstronaut

    44
    81
    18
    I need to look at more posts like this. That's the real motivation. Telling us how reality perceives PA's opens up my mind to the real perceptions that non-PA's have and really convince me what I'm doing with PMO is unnatural and pathetic. Thank you.
     
  11. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

    740
    10,443
    123
    My Journal
    Very interesting post. Wish you the power to fight this addiction!

    Yeah, this is perfectly described. From the cold to a shiny blue pool with a hot chick in it. But if we view it from a distance we actually realize how dark this is. And it even gets darker after the high is over. Always remember this. The glamour is fake. It's a 'fata morgana'.

    Thanks so much for posting this. It's really motivating to keep going after reading this. And your description fits it totally.
     
  12. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

  13. Gautama

    Gautama Distinguished Fapstronaut

    352
    409
    63
    Welcome to NoFap and the war against Porn addiction @Springjim2000 Your war will have plenty of battles and it's winning the majority of battles that will get you through this. I managed 7 months of hard mode last year and then dropped my guard. Stay at this place and just keep battling away and you'll be fine. Lots of good people here who are all rooting for you. Good luck. ;)
     
  14. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    Thanks for your words - it's very good to get a perspective from a woman on this. Us men still treat PMO as a slight in-joke, knowing how easy and instant it can be.
    Your views on its emasculation of a guy are bang on, it just take us time to realise this!
    You are so right, porn lies. It's great to learn you are on here with your SO.
     
    Jason911, iWILL123, fuzzywaz and 2 others like this.
  15. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    Thanks man. 'Fata Morgana' - like that. We do worship mirages and it's forums like this which open our eyes (even though our instincts always knew it
     
    oreogirl and D . J . like this.
  16. Springjim2000

    Springjim2000 Fapstronaut

    97
    114
    33
    Cheers. I'm confident already about the positive changes to come and it's a big hit already knowing that I can tilt at this enemy with advice and help.
    No, my wife doesn't know. I think she has kinda accepted that's what I do.
    Thinking about it, our sex life is not so great as we are wrapped up in M (she does it too)
    Perhaps I should get some reboot days under my belt so she will take notice and we can talk it through..
     
  17. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    2,330
    8,893
    143
    Just wanted to drop in to say that this is a great post Jim. And I wanted to also say thanks for everyone who has responded. I've seen every single one of you respond and offer advice to numerous other people. It really is such a community effort and it's not always recognized in that way.

    Best of luck Jim. I look forward to your recovery. You are among good people here.
     
    iWILL123, fuzzywaz, vibemaker and 3 others like this.
  18. oreogirl

    oreogirl Fapstronaut

    585
    1,687
    123
    So true, I don't always come out of the woodwork, but this story really grabbed my attention, good to see you on the boards, always enjoy your posts. Good community here is true
     
  19. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    415
    781
    93
    Just wanted to bump this thread because I found it so interesting. @Springjim2000 how are you doing in your journey? I feel like this thread should be required reading for those PMO addicts in denial.....
     
  20. uranium

    uranium Fapstronaut

    33
    22
    8
    Yo, wish I had a wife. Just saying.
     
    iWILL123, Gautama and oreogirl like this.

Share This Page