Okay, I'm going to try to start this journey again... Because I truly need help.

Spondito_Mcgee

Spondito_Mcgee

Fapstronaut
Okay, I'm going to try to start this journey again... Because I truly need help.

Since I last wrote on this site, I've relapsed repeatedly and my porn habits have definitely gotten worse. The subject matter that I'm spending time watching and masturbating to has never been so sick and twisted. It unquestionably goes against my principles and yet, my brain seems so fried from the tens of thousands of hours of internet porn I've watched in my lifetime that it feels like I need to get more and more extreme with the material I watch.

The irony is that the rest of my life is on the upswing. I've made improvements over the last half a year to my finances, my physical and mental health, I've rekindled old friendships, improved my wardrobe, got a much more reliable vehicle, started a side business, etc. The only thing that is really fucking me up is this porn addiction. And it's not just the wasted time or the staying up too late. It's costing me so much more than that. I haven't had sex in forever, and it's not because of lack of opportunity, but because porn has my libido so dulled out, and my "sexual confidence" so low that I don't even make the slightest effort these days. I used to be an approaching machine at times in my life. I would see a pretty girl at a coffee shop or a supermarket and just go up to her and say hi. I used to sleep with beautiful women constantly. That seems like another lifetime ago.

I was just listening to the audiobook, Your Brain on Porn, which I've been meaning to check out for a while now. And while listening, it has really dawned on me how much porn is taking from me; how much I am compromising in my life to maintain this terrible addiction. I just read that high-speed internet porn has been shown to reduce grey matter in the brain used for cognitive function. This is scary! I pride myself on my brain and my ability to think. But this fucking addiction is literally shrinking my brain.

I've read a lot of great reboot success stories. I want that for myself. I want to feel more energy, and more libido, and more mental clarity, and more self-confidence. I don't want to watch my life pass me by. I don't want to feel like I've been electronically castrated. Like that thing hanging in between my legs is only for peeing and fapping. I want to feel confident that I can satisfy a woman in bed like I more than used to. I want to look at a real woman and prefer her over the twisted things I've been fapping to lately. I want to feel proud that I've slain this dragon; that I've freed myself from these shackles; that I've fought for and won back my freedom!

Wish me luck and send good vibes my way fellow Fapstronauts!
 
You can make it. I fight my fight. The most I have done is 14 days.. Today is 6 days behind me and started 7th day already. I am trying to be so disciplined as fuck. As never. Before these 7days I was failing for long period of time and most I have done was like 1 and half day. So proud of 6-7 days. And I want to carry on forever (will do my best to try)

I read books a lot, visiting this forum (instead of porn) and reading articles, I am really trying to not to look to any woman at all, not even faces. Like a monk. As sometimes everything makes me horny. I need to control my triggers to my best ability. I also start some business so trying to do things about the business daily but it is very difficult and I see no results so I feel hopeless sometimes. But I know I walk the best path of my life and my mind and body will thank me for it and will treat me well in the future. You can make it brother!

Keep taking every single day as that is the most important day in your life to overcome. Don't concentrate on days before and after as you will eventually relapse. Every single day you should put the most concentration possible. And I know it is hard to admit but sometimes even music can trigger you unconsciously (not to watch, but to listen) so if you really want to no to fail, be careful what music you listen to. We must stop the trigger in the earliest possible stage as otherwise it will create a plan in our heads and we are already puppets of the daemon.
 
Spondito_Mcgee said:
I haven't had sex in forever, and it's not because of lack of opportunity, but because porn has my libido so dulled out, and my "sexual confidence" so low that I don't even make the slightest effort these days.
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This has become my biggest issue. Brother we all have problems to deal with and they all stem from P as you already know. Like you Ive been so dissatisfied in my sex like because of porn. Ive had sex with beautiful girls, 10's by a lot of guys standards and couldn't get off or had ED, to the point where its made me not even want to have sex. Feel like I cant enjoy sex. My libido is shot and I am only 22.. But the good thing is we got time and we will heal. Have to keep fighting the good fight man. Remind yourself everyday of your purpose. Sounds like you have a lot of things going for you. As do I. But none of that matters if we can't be a real man and if you feel like me, I don't feel like a real man because of P addiction. Start from a clean slate and lets keep going.
 
Today makes 3 days without porn!...

The last 3 nights I've listened to the audiobook of Your Brain on Porn. I've even brought my laptop in the car with me and listened to it there (my car stereo isn't working).

So far, from my listening, I haven't really gained any techniques or anything to do per se, as much as I've been reminded over and over and over again of all the various ways porn fucks up my dopamine regulation, my memory, my energy, my ability to get an erection with a woman, and on and on and on.

In the book, there are also lots of testimonials from guys who were really fucked up, depressed, unconfident, and unable to get an erection and who have succeeded with a reboot and now feel more energy, more confidence, more mental focus, and are getting harder than they were when they were teenagers.

I want this for myself!
 
WasZeusWrong? said:
OK -- sending you good vibes! I identified with this that you wrote: "I pride myself on my brain and my ability to think. But this fucking addiction is literally shrinking my brain." Yeah, that's scary stuff!
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Thank you brother! Day 4 today for me!

Yeah, the more I listen to that audiobook, the less I can deny how terrible porn for is for my mental and brain health. I like how the book doesn't go into morality or religion, which for everyone is different. It talks about hard facts, and undeniable science regarding the way the brain is wired and how internet porn fucks everything up. The science is undeniable.

I've struggled with depression before in my life, which, like porn, is also very related to dopamine function. When I was at the lowest points of that depression I felt worse than I ever felt in my life. I never want to go back there again, and so I really do whatever I can (meditate, eat an anti-inflammatory diet, take probiotics, try to get sun every day I can, let negative thoughts go without giving them too much attention or validity, etc.) to stay mentally healthy. Until I read this book, I had no idea how toxic and harmful porn is to my brain, and so out of self-preservation mainly, I want to constantly remind myself that porn could very well bring me back to the depths of depression again. It's scary but it's motivating.
 
ShutOut said:
This has become my biggest issue. Brother we all have problems to deal with and they all stem from P as you already know. Like you Ive been so dissatisfied in my sex like because of porn. Ive had sex with beautiful girls, 10's by a lot of guys standards and couldn't get off or had ED, to the point where its made me not even want to have sex. Feel like I cant enjoy sex. My libido is shot and I am only 22.. But the good thing is we got time and we will heal. Have to keep fighting the good fight man. Remind yourself everyday of your purpose. Sounds like you have a lot of things going for you. As do I. But none of that matters if we can't be a real man and if you feel like me, I don't feel like a real man because of P addiction. Start from a clean slate and lets keep going.
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Yep, I've had my share of issues with ED. The first time I attempted to sleep with one of my ex-girlfriends - a girl who was a total 10, with hazel eyes, beautiful face, and body, and who naturally radiated sexual energy - she was going down on me and I was as soft as a wet noodle. She was looking up at me with those hazel cat-like eyes while doing what any man would want a woman to do, and there was absolutely zero going on down there for me. It was beyond embarrassing. I blamed it on the 2 drinks I had earlier that night and promised I'd make it up to her. But in my head, I knew the real reason I couldn't get an erection was porn. And unfortunately that was not an isolated incident, that same story has played out in a dozen other ways with several different girls.

I've also had lots of occasions where I couldn't ejaculate. I took Cia1is or some other pill to get and stay hard, but after an hour or more, I couldn't cum for the life of me, and in some ways, this is just as bad or worse than not being able to get hard. The girl feels like there's something wrong with her. I have to try to reassure her that I'm just tired or have a lot on my mind and that she is beautiful and sexy and the issue is not her. Again, while I'm telling this white lie to her to protect her female ego, deep down I know that my porn habits are at the real root cause of my not being able to ejaculate.

Right now, I feel less sex drive than I've ever felt in my life. Although, ironically, I am very confident that my drive will return in full force once I give my brain a chance to reboot. I am really, really, really looking forward to that. Again I think it goes back to dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical that gets us humans to pursue things. Right now, all of my dopamine function has been dedicated to getting me to seek out, pursue, and collect high-speed porn in harder and harder genres. When I see a pretty girl in a coffee shop, for example, the dopamine levels I need to motivate me to go talk to her are just not there. I see the woman, mentally I recognize her as being attractive, but there's no real physiological response taking place in my body or brain to fuel me to actually move in her direction. She is "attractive", but I am not physiologically "attracted". After all, how can a pretty girl in a coffee shop compete with dozens and dozens of graphic extreme high-speed porn scenes that I can download and watch at a time? She can't. No woman in real life can.

Couple this lack of dopamine to pursue her with an all-time low in my sexual confidence (my ability to get and stay hard and be able to ejaculate with her) and there's no chance in hell that I will approach or pursue her. In that past, me failing to pursue women I think I should be attracted to, has made me feel like shit about myself and feel hopeless. And then, in turn, these self-loathing and helpless feelings, typically lead me back to the one thing I've trained myself to seek comfort in since the age of 12: Porn.

It's really a terrible cycle, but one that I recognize a lot easier now and don't take so personally. I know it's not me. It's my porn habits, which are totally reversible. The damage I've done to my brain, in particular creating screwed up neural pathways, and messing up my dopamine production/regulation will heal as well. Within a couple of months I am really looking forward to having the drive to pursue women. Having the dopamine production to get and stay hard. And having the abilty to cum with a real woman. All I have to do is keep fighting the fight everyday like I've been doing.


By the way, how do you feel after 23 days without porn?
 
Spondito_Mcgee said:
Yep, I've had my share of issues with ED. The first time I attempted to sleep with one of my ex-girlfriends - a girl who was a total 10, with hazel eyes, beautiful face, and body, and who naturally radiated sexual energy - she was going down on me and I was as soft as a wet noodle. She was looking up at me with those hazel cat-like eyes while doing what any man would want a woman to do, and there was absolutely zero going on down there for me. It was beyond embarrassing. I blamed it on the 2 drinks I had earlier that night and promised I'd make it up to her. But in my head, I knew the real reason I couldn't get an erection was porn. And unfortunately that was not an isolated incident, that same story has played out in a dozen other ways with several different girls.

I've also had lots of occasions where I couldn't ejaculate. I took Cia1is or some other pill to get and stay hard, but after an hour or more, I couldn't cum for the life of me, and in some ways, this is just as bad or worse than not being able to get hard. The girl feels like there's something wrong with her. I have to try to reassure her that I'm just tired or have a lot on my mind and that she is beautiful and sexy and the issue is not her. Again, while I'm telling this white lie to her to protect her female ego, deep down I know that my porn habits are at the real root cause of my not being able to ejaculate.

Right now, I feel less sex drive than I've ever felt in my life. Although, ironically, I am very confident that my drive will return in full force once I give my brain a chance to reboot. I am really, really, really looking forward to that. Again I think it goes back to dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical that gets us humans to pursue things. Right now, all of my dopamine function has been dedicated to getting me to seek out, pursue, and collect high-speed porn in harder and harder genres. When I see a pretty girl in a coffee shop, for example, the dopamine levels I need to motivate me to go talk to her are just not there. I see the woman, mentally I recognize her as being attractive, but there's no real physiological response taking place in my body or brain to fuel me to actually move in her direction. She is "attractive", but I am not physiologically "attracted". After all, how can a pretty girl in a coffee shop compete with dozens and dozens of graphic extreme high-speed porn scenes that I can download and watch at a time? She can't. No woman in real life can.

Couple this lack of dopamine to pursue her with an all-time low in my sexual confidence (my ability to get and stay hard and be able to ejaculate with her) and there's no chance in hell that I will approach or pursue her. In that past, me failing to pursue women I think I should be attracted to, has made me feel like shit about myself and feel hopeless. And then, in turn, these self-loathing and helpless feelings, typically lead me back to the one thing I've trained myself to seek comfort in since the age of 12: Porn.

It's really a terrible cycle, but one that I recognize a lot easier now and don't take so personally. I know it's not me. It's my porn habits, which are totally reversible. The damage I've done to my brain, in particular creating screwed up neural pathways, and messing up my dopamine production/regulation will heal as well. Within a couple of months I am really looking forward to having the drive to pursue women. Having the dopamine production to get and stay hard. And having the abilty to cum with a real woman. All I have to do is keep fighting the fight everyday like I've been doing.


By the way, how do you feel after 23 days without porn?
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Its crazy because I swear we have identical stories. The Ed, the delayed orgasm(cant cum), PIED the whole 9. Although its comforting knowing that you are not the only one, we got to fight man this is no way to live as a MAN. Idk about you but I feel like my masculinity has been diminishing after the many failed sexual encounters. Its really fucked me up. I don't even have to write my story. You pretty much just wrote it for me. Crazy. Curious, do you feel like your lack of sex drive/libido is because of those failed sexual encounters? Thats what I feel like mine is due to, and porn of course.

After 23 days things are up and down. I did a previous streak of 30 days where I was feeling like I was on cloud 9 by day 30 and I ruined it. This time is much much harder. The past week Ive been in a flatline. No libido, kind of depressed. thinking of my past a lot. Regretful. But I know this is part of the game especially because I went on a 3 day binge and watched all my favorite types of P. With thats said though, I can feel it easing. Just met a very attractive girl at the gym. Never spoke to her before. She found me on instagram and we started chatting then met up the next day. She made all the effort in getting to know me. The gym is typically where I mind my business and don't try and hit on girls or play the game lol so that was cool. I will say, when you quit, there is something to be said about the retention of semen and rebooting of the brain from porn. I don't really believe it to be a super power, but rather a better aura and vibe you give off. Something sensory I suppose. So I am going to see where that leads me. Ive read that keeping sexual encounters off for the first 30 days is best. I'll see. I will keep you updated man. Really wish you the best. I would like to keep up with your progress. Keep fighting!
 
ShutOut said:
Its crazy because I swear we have identical stories. The Ed, the delayed orgasm(cant cum), PIED the whole 9. Although its comforting knowing that you are not the only one, we got to fight man this is no way to live as a MAN. Idk about you but I feel like my masculinity has been diminishing after the many failed sexual encounters. Its really fucked me up. I don't even have to write my story. You pretty much just wrote it for me. Crazy. Curious, do you feel like your lack of sex drive/libido is because of those failed sexual encounters? Thats what I feel like mine is due to, and porn of course.

After 23 days things are up and down. I did a previous streak of 30 days where I was feeling like I was on cloud 9 by day 30 and I ruined it. This time is much much harder. The past week Ive been in a flatline. No libido, kind of depressed. thinking of my past a lot. Regretful. But I know this is part of the game especially because I went on a 3 day binge and watched all my favorite types of P. With thats said though, I can feel it easing. Just met a very attractive girl at the gym. Never spoke to her before. She found me on instagram and we started chatting then met up the next day. She made all the effort in getting to know me. The gym is typically where I mind my business and don't try and hit on girls or play the game lol so that was cool. I will say, when you quit, there is something to be said about the retention of semen and rebooting of the brain from porn. I don't really believe it to be a super power, but rather a better aura and vibe you give off. Something sensory I suppose. So I am going to see where that leads me. Ive read that keeping sexual encounters off for the first 30 days is best. I'll see. I will keep you updated man. Really wish you the best. I would like to keep up with your progress. Keep fighting!
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Woohoo! I'm on 5 days and you're on 24 days. Let me just take a moment to acknowledge the work and dedication it took for us to get where we are on our journies. Yes, we have a ways to go. And yes, the battle begins anew tomorrow. But I feel it's important to celebrate each and every victory on the journey.

That said, I want to address a few things you mentioned brother...

The flatline and having no libido is simply part of your recovery. It sucks yes I know. But your brain needs to rewire itself a bit. Allow it the time it needs. Your libido will return. I promise you.

Another thing...

In my experience, thinking of the past as a way to beat yourself up for what you could've or should've done is not helpful. In fact, it can be another trigger likely to get you to seek refuge in porn or some other unhealthy behavior. So I guess what I'm saying is please be kind to yourself. You have certainly made your share of mistakes. We all have. It's part of being human. But know that you were just doing the best you could at the time with the information and the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual resources you had at your disposal at the time. By all means, feel free to mentally go into the past to extract learning lessons, but don't dwell in the past to make yourself feel regret, shame, or guilt. That doesn't help anything. And I don't personally know you, but you sound like a damn good guy. So don't ruminate in the past. Instead, focus on what you want to create in the future.

To answer your question...

Yes, I feel the failed sexual encounters play their part in my low libido, but the primary cause, probably 95% of the cause for my low libido is porn. Internet porn is a form of electronic castration. Not only does it drain my semen, make me feel bad about myself, etc. but it makes everything else in my life not create the brain chemistry it should. The "get excited by porn" and "seeking out porn" wiring crowds out the "getting excited by a real woman" and "seeking out real women" wiring. I have zero doubt that after a month or two things will start to correct themselves. After all, we humans are sexual creatures, we have everything we need to have a great sex life hardwired into us. Just like birds just naturally know how to fly south for the winter. Beavers know how to build dams. We humans know how to be attracted to the opposite sex and how to get hard and how to ejaculate. It's innate. We may have fucked that up temporarily with our porn habits, but if we get rid of the porn, we will return to our normal healthy selves. I've had lots and lots of really great sexual experiences with beautiful women but... NOT when I was watching internet porn regularly. The two cannot coexist. And anytime I was watching internet porn regularly I've had sexual issues.
 
Spondito_Mcgee said:
Woohoo! I'm on 5 days and you're on 24 days. Let me just take a moment to acknowledge the work and dedication it took for us to get where we are on our journies. Yes, we have a ways to go. And yes, the battle begins anew tomorrow. But I feel it's important to celebrate each and every victory on the journey.

That said, I want to address a few things you mentioned brother...

The flatline and having no libido is simply part of your recovery. It sucks yes I know. But your brain needs to rewire itself a bit. Allow it the time it needs. Your libido will return. I promise you.

Another thing...

In my experience, thinking of the past as a way to beat yourself up for what you could've or should've done is not helpful. In fact, it can be another trigger likely to get you to seek refuge in porn or some other unhealthy behavior. So I guess what I'm saying is please be kind to yourself. You have certainly made your share of mistakes. We all have. It's part of being human. But know that you were just doing the best you could at the time with the information and the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual resources you had at your disposal at the time. By all means, feel free to mentally go into the past to extract learning lessons, but don't dwell in the past to make yourself feel regret, shame, or guilt. That doesn't help anything. And I don't personally know you, but you sound like a damn good guy. So don't ruminate in the past. Instead, focus on what you want to create in the future.

To answer your question...

Yes, I feel the failed sexual encounters play their part in my low libido, but the primary cause, probably 95% of the cause for my low libido is porn. Internet porn is a form of electronic castration. Not only does it drain my semen, make me feel bad about myself, etc. but it makes everything else in my life not create the brain chemistry it should. The "get excited by porn" and "seeking out porn" wiring crowds out the "getting excited by a real woman" and "seeking out real women" wiring. I have zero doubt that after a month or two things will start to correct themselves. After all, we humans are sexual creatures, we have everything we need to have a great sex life hardwired into us. Just like birds just naturally know how to fly south for the winter. Beavers know how to build dams. We humans know how to be attracted to the opposite sex and how to get hard and how to ejaculate. It's innate. We may have fucked that up temporarily with our porn habits, but if we get rid of the porn, we will return to our normal healthy selves. I've had lots and lots of really great sexual experiences with beautiful women but... NOT when I was watching internet porn regularly. The two cannot coexist. And anytime I was watching internet porn regularly I've had sexual issues.
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Much agreed. We definitely need to celebrate our success more.. everyday towards our streak is a victory! Spot on.

You are right. If anything learning from the past is best. I know we all have things we can change. I imagine its partly due to the flatline why I was so upset. Was not even about porn or failed sex although some of it was. Other things as well. Eh. I'm rolling with the punches and throwing my own! Been a pretty strong guy all my life, physically and mentally. Now I see what addiction can do to even the strongest of us. I appreciate the advice. Feel like I am coming out of the flatline actually!

Again.. Agreed! When porn became regular, so did the dysfunctions... When I had a girlfriend, actually the only real girlfriend ive ever had (Been more into the single life personally) I remember having ED our first time, she was accepting and we tried again a few days later. Happened again. Third time was the charm and I was able to O inside her and after that its crazy how much better it became. How much easier. Looking back, porn was not in the equation because sex became so good and regular once after I was able to perform. Crazy... We will get back to that point for good. Being single probably plays a big part in all of us having this issue. You can have a lot of girlfriends watching porn if you catch my drift ;) lol
 
Ugghhh... I'm having some major urges to watch Porn right now.

Over the course of the last 5 days, any urges I've had have been strictly mental, and easy to just let pass without giving them much weight. But now I have the mental urge plus a physical urge. I can feel a queasiness in my stomach, and a sensation in my balls. My heart rate is also very elevated. On top of that, my day, which was going to be a very productive kind of day, imploded on me. I had planned a trip to the DMV in order to register my new vehicle. But the DMV is closed on account of Columbus day. And the lunch I was supposed to have with a buddy of mine was postponed also. Plus a project I was working on got messed up and has to be redone. So I'm feeling frustrated and very bored right now, on top of being super-horny for porn. It is always, during times like these, that I shut off my mind and shut out the world by getting in my bed with my laptop and watching porn for a few hours... Or sometimes more than a few. Ughh... how pathetic. But I'm at a loss for what to do instead to give myself some comfort and a reward. The addicted part of me wants to escape and Fap the night away.

What do you guys usually do in situations like mine?

I am very curious.

Bottom line though, I am NOT going to give in! I MUST not! I am too looking forward to a month or two from now getting rock hard with the next girl I sleep with, and shooting a monstrous with her, instead of making excuses for why I couldn't get hard or couldn't cum.

I think I am going to go out for a walk and listen to an audiobook while I do. There are a few audiobooks that I've put off buying and I think I am going to treat myself for being porn-free for 5 days. No small feat for me; the last few years especially.
 
When the urges come fight the initial thought. Don't let it linger and grow. If the urges get crazy do just like you did and find something else to do that wont allow you to masturbate. Seriously sometimes to kill a boner at night I will do some jumping jacks or burpees to transfer that energy elsewhere... At night it is the hardest. For me anyways. Keep on fighting man.
 
Right on man, we have similar journeys. I commend you for taking the next steps.

I can definitely relate to you with how you see women. It has been a weird struggle for me lately.

You see them. They are aesthetically pleasing but you just don't get that physiological response.

I'm in a flatline now so I can't wait to get my true libido back. Good luck dude.

Cheers!
 
Help!! I'm having major urges!

Just got home from work and the whole drive home I was imagining some of the sick images in the dirtiest genres of porn I used to watch. I'm off from work tomorrow, and so staying up late and fapping the night away wouldn't really get in the way of anything. My heart is racing right now. I'm going to have something to eat but I dread coming back into my bedroom with my laptop there. I have 9 days in and I don't want to ruin that. I have some really cool plans for when I get to 30 days and I don't want to compromise that either. But I'm having thoughts like, "all I want to do now is fap for hours on end. After waiting this long it will feel totally fucking amazing. 9 days is good and I can totally get another streak going after tonight."

I hate this!
 
Instead of being so hard on self, I have created a challenge in which I have set some rules and rewards on points basis. I have belief that I can change myself to greater extent by taking up this challenge. If you are interested, see this link-https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/200-days-simple-challenge.197371/

If you feel it is difficult to follow, you can modify some rules, rewards & points for your convenience and set that as your personal goal. I Wish u success in all parts of Life!
 
RELAPSE!

I'm so disappointed.

I won't get down on myself though. I am going to get right back on the horse again. I am going to beat my 9-day streak. And to be honest, I really didn't enjoy myself just now as much as I thought I would. I am glad I didn't. It's just another reminder of how this addiction only costs me and doesn't give back. I am starting my new streak right now.

Wish me luck again.
 
@Spondito_Mcgee Thank you for your post and for sharing. I was dangerously close to relapsing this evening. I came to Nofap to gain some inspiration and encouragement and your post along with the other comments definitely provided that. I can relate to your story as I've had my issues with PIED too. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse and I can relate because I've done so many, many times. Like the saying goes "It's okay to fall in the river. You'll only drown if you stay there. God speed my friend! A porn-free life lays ahead of you!
 
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