Older and bolder - 32 years old - We all deserve a better life

Hello everyone!

The first time I remember watching something related to porn was around my 4th grade. A boy of my class brought a small porn mag from his father's "stash". I remember looking at the pictures and feeling disgusted but at the same time fascinated. It was a bit disturbing.

A few years later cable tv was installed in my house. In my country it existed widespread knowledge that a channel played porn movies late at night. With curiosity and desire I started to see those sessions at the weekends (when the channel played the movies) and rarely missed one session.

In 2003 high speed internet was installed in my house and you are probably guessing what happened. The "dream" did come true. Whatever I chose to see, I would see. As the years progressed I became a massive consumer of porn. A few weeks before the internet instalation I was rejected by my girlfriend what I think made me more and more prone to porn addiction. The everlasting fear of rejection disapeared when I saw porn movies. Have you ever seen a porn actress reject you? I knew I would never feel rejection with porn. It was my safe haven. Real life was too risky...and sometimes too depressing.

The addiction progressed rapidly. I remember sometimes in weekends watching porn for 9 hours or more...per day. Sometimes with pauses. But it was really brutal! But in the beginning of 2007 I hit my breaking point. I remember taking shower at my swimming class locker room with another guys and to feel sexually aroused by a penis of another man. I didn't understand at the time because I had been heterosexual to that point. I was so turned on that I had to masturbate at that moment on a toilet next to the locker room. It was compulsive and it was scary. But now I know that that happened due to the massive porn gloryhole videos I was seeing at that period. I was so scared about my sexual identity and confused that I thought seriously about suicide. But I researched the internet endlessly and figured out the best thing I could do at that moment was to stay completely abstinent during a minimum of 15 days. No porn. No masturbation. No orgasm. After that I discovered that I was not homosexual and porn was "injuring" my brain seriously. Porn has the power to shift your sexual orientation...or to get you sexually aroused with things you never thought of being arousing. It makes a dent in your identity that...can fuc* you up seriously.

Since then I have tried quitting porn several times and relapsed in the same amout of times. The max I went without PMO (I have no girlfriend at the moment) was 30 days. I discovered life stressors are the main factors of relapse to me because when we feel that feeling of anxiety and/or fear we want to be in that "safe place". If we can manage life stressors in a more healthy way it is more likely we can be rid of porn addiction more "easily".

Well, I decided to join this community because I thought it was important to add another weapon to my arsenal of recovery from this addiction. And it is a very powerful weapon indeed. Seeing the counter badge is a great motivator.

I deserve a better life! You deserve a better life! We deserve a better life!

May we be like Rocky Balboa that lifts himself up everytime he goes down! It's not easy but it is possible to win in the end!

May the force be with us!


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