On a noFap journey.. i have conflicted feelings.. (+ OCD & sissy fetish)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Zamyou, Sep 15, 2018.

  1. Zamyou

    Zamyou Fapstronaut

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    So to start off with, I'm turning 28 soon and i've been into porn since i was like 12.. for 10 years i used to PMO 3-6 times a day and ive been trying to reboot on and off for around 4 years..
    I've also developed sexual-OCD themes many years ago but ive had OCD all my life.. the current OCD themes revolve around my fetishes and get fears about my weird arousals and what they might mean... it makes me very depressed and i feel ive changed in a very bad way from whom i was...

    I started off with mostly vanilla stuff but i admit i had a handful of "odd" fantasies as well resembling my current fetishes.. i remember that i used to imagine about penetrating a vagina and tried to find objects i could pretend to have sex with..
    Everything was ok at first... but then vanilla escalated to harder vanilla stuff, then more taboo porn, then gay porn, then shemales and my recent concern is about sissy / crossdressing fantasies and imagining myself as a woman (autogynephilia) or a sissy.. it wouldnt be a problem if i had mostly vanilla fantasies with a few weird kinks here and there but i've gotten these odd ones more in the recent months.. so much that thoughts leak into my everyday life... in real life i am nothing like or want to be nothing like my fantasies.. i've always wanted to be a confident man and husband and a dad some day. But this just scares me... its like my brain is hijacked...

    The worst part is that vanilla stuff seems pretty dull and trying to imagine sex with women in my head is hard and does little and sometimes nothing to me... relationships and sex with women have so far been great and i do get hard being intimate or close to a woman in real life. But in my fantasy realm or even sometimes during sex i need porn influenced fantasies or weird fetishes to feel properly aroused..

    So right now im soon on Day 50 of noFap and while i do feel more confident and calm i also feel anxious / depressed. Have i been suppressing strong- / depressive emotions with porn all these years? Do i have some hormonal imbalance from fapping too much?

    I get most anxious especially when my OCD makes me doubt my sexuality or gender. Random thoughts but also weird fantasies pop up out of nowhere against my will and although they have diminished on noFap, i still get them occasionally and they get me a bit aroused still at times.
    During this journey ive had a flatline too but sometimes i get horny.

    I've seen many people in a similar situation to me (S-OCD / HOCD / TOCD + sissy fetishes) have rebooted succesfully. My goal is not to "get rid of" anything but i want my old self back.. i want to feel content with the old me again and give up porn forever!
    Is there hope for me? Are there others here like me?

    Thanks!
     
  2. Thete is still hope. 50 days might sound like a lot, but compare it to a decade of abuse you went thru. You need a year mate. Or two. No P for you, just go on in what you doing. You will see the progress. And get a good female companion while you at it. Helps a lot as well. I had some BS in my head as well, different than yours, but it was BS anyway. After one year, I KNOW I dont want those things in real life, it was just a fantasies in my head and they grew on me so I thought they are real and that its my sexuality speaking. Wrong. It was my messed up mind speaking. Give it a time, it will only get better since you are on a right path!
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  3. Zamyou

    Zamyou Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for replying!

    Yeah i havent given up yet.. and i think i wont... i dont like this, not because its wrong or perverted... its because it doesnt feel like me or something i like..
     
  4. Zamyou

    Zamyou Fapstronaut

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    Hey so i have good and bad news...

    The good news is overall i feel a lot better and without porn, i have significantly less interest in thinking about these fantasies... might also be the flatline but i do get hard somehow thinking about vanilla sex with girls... I'm approaching day 60...

    The bad news (which i am freaking out about) is that i peeked yesterday and almost edged and when i looked at tranny stuff / sissy fantasies i felt a huge rush and felt like getting off... like all of those old thoughts came back... i feel rly shitty about this but it was like an automation to open up porn sites...

    Now my OCD is so scared that maybe im just repressing my true sexuality and that before this i have been living in denial and this scares the shit out of me..
    Anyway i havent even done the 90 days yet and throughout this journey i have peeked / edged a bit so no wonder im not there yet even after 90 days...
     
  5. New_day

    New_day Fapstronaut

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    I have exactly the same problem and I relapsed on my 65 day for 3 days and I strarted the the 3rd month again to complete my 90 days.
    When I look back at my relapse I get so scared because I am watching porn for about 20 years now, so it became part of me and leaving it is like tearing part of my soul, when I think that i will never watch porn again it makes me sad and like you I dont know if BDSM, shemale and sissy fetish are part of my nature or not but what I know well that porn has done alot of damage to my life and I want to get rid of it forever. I know that it is a very hard war but I know if I managed to win it I will be better and stronger than I have ever been.
    One last thing get a wife or a girlfriend because having normal sex with female regularly helps alot in killing other desires.
     
  6. Zamyou

    Zamyou Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for ur reply, man!

    Oh so you can function as a guy sexually like before? Yeah i noticed sex and overall hooking up with girls make my fantasies fade away... but part of me or not, porn definitely influences my sexuality negatively and boosts fetishes that would be in the background more...
    One thing i love is that noFap makes me feel overall way more comfortable and like a man / at home...
     
    New_day likes this.
  7. New_day

    New_day Fapstronaut

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    My normal sexuality improves every time I do normal sex while I am not watching and I sex gives me more pleasure than before. For fetishes in the background I try to ignore them and they are fading by time. Remember that we watched porn for along time so we can not remember how we were before porn.
     
  8. Zamyou

    Zamyou Fapstronaut

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    Im scared i will not improve ever ... i miss getting random erections throughout the day ... i hope there is a possibility of getting back to that eventually ...
    So far, i do get the fetish thoughts in my head but they arouse me way less than before... idk if this is promising or not... i guess.... at least i feel better mentally...
     
    New_day likes this.
  9. New_day

    New_day Fapstronaut

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    Everything will improve with time, don't worry.
     

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