On and off NoFap

Hey man. I’ll start by saying I wish I had advice. I’m 36, married, no kids. Have had problems with porn for 20yrs or so, only aware for the past few months.

For me this is the hardest part, rebuilding a sex life with a partner. I have been in and out of periods of NoFap, up to a few weeks like yourself, but have had trouble keeping traction. Right now it’s a few days on, few days off. I want to talk more with my wife about it but I’m also afraid of the distance it puts between us every time I admit a lapse.

I guess the only things I can say are 1) you aren’t alone, this sucks and there are lots of us in the boat with you, and 2) PMO doesn’t help anything, literally nothing. Any relationship goals we have are not made better by physically and emotionally withdrawing through PMO.

hang in there man, and I’ll be watching this thread looking for advice too.

 

Eventually, you're going to have to be honest with your wife. Even moreso if you can't be accountable to yourself. Infants are a killer man, I have two kids myself. Childbirth wrecks women emotionally and physically and it can take a long time to recover.

 

So long as you have secrets from your wife, you are never going to stay better. Believe me I know. My husband became addicted for 2 years while we were engaged. He quit for the next 10. Then relapsed for 5, a time during which he created excuses to allow himself to do it, blaming me and our babies for the lack of sex when it was him who was destroying our intimacy. He didn't share with me emotionally thinking he was protecting me from stress. Not sharing his own troubles (job, family, etc) led to him not coping with life and he has destroyed our marriage with porn. We will never be the same. Jury is out on whether I am willing to stay.

You should be focused on supporting your wife, the transition to motherhood is incredible. She is not the same woman she was before, she has transformed into something greater and more wonderful. I have had 4 babies. Only with this last baby was I ready to even think about sex after 6 weeks (which btw is a mandatory healing time because after birth there is a dinner place sized wound in the uterus, sex before this puts a woman at risk of dangerous infection). This is the only time I was ready quickly - and that's because my husband finally has no more secrets with me. The other 3 babies, secrets. I wasn't ready for a very long time. I was struggling to heal physically from birth - it takes a long time to heal depending on if you tore or not. If she is breastfeeding things may be more uncomfortable and need both extra foreplay and lube (which are not reasons to not breastfeed, they are easily solved and should be because it is best for baby). If you are sitting around just waiting for her to be ready, pressuring her, having a fit that she isn't putting out - well you are doing it all wrong and you can watch things get worse and worse. It will benefit you to truly jump into this new family you are building, supporting your wife emotionally and physically as she takes on this incredible job. The infant time passes so quickly and she will resent you if you wreck it with a sex hissy fit - all it will do is drive a deeper wedge.

 

There is no set time. It depends on so many factors that it's impossible to gauge.

 

Although no real set time the average is 18 months to 3 years. I can attest that after my first dday it took me 3,years of weekly counseling to trust again. After 2nd dday I detached. 17 years later, he’s actually in recovery, but I’m pretty sure I will never completely trust him again, unfortunately. I think the only man I trust 100% is my dad!

 

Thank your for sharing. I pray I remember this forever.

 

If I could go back four years to this season, here's the advice I would have given myself:

1) Your wife *really, really* wants to have a good sex life. She is good willed. If she could flip a switch, she would. You need to focus on cleaning up *everything* on your side of the table to help bring the two of you back together.

2) Every time you masturbate or look at porn, you're poisoning your capacity to love your wife. You *need* that capacity to help her open up and connect with you.

3) Take care of *everything.* Before kids you didn't do the dishes? Now you do the dishes. Before kids you didn't do the laundry? Now you do some damn laundry. Before kids you never did any meal planning? Now you are an active participant in the meal planning process. One of the biggest barriers between the two of you is her own mindfulness that the family is taken care of. Take up any unaddressed responsibilities as your own. It's your family, she's part of it, and they are your responsibility. Get to work.

4) Connect, emotionally. Spend some time alone, journaling, praying, whatever to get in touch with what you are feeling and thinking about. If it's all only negative stuff, you need to learn some positivity. As you do this to clarify your own "sense of self," share it with her. Don't be shy. Give and give and give and give. She will open up. She will get to know the real you (even as you yourself get to know the real you), and she will open up to love you again (maybe for the first time). Sex will take care of itself.

I've withheld myself emotionally almost my entire marriage. Only in this journey have I truly opened up to my wife, and she is becoming a different person right before my eyes. My greatest challenge is to stay focused on "sharing" and "exploring," and not give over to "judging" her or others when we talk. We have two little kids that keep us pretty busy in the evenings, but no matter what, she *always* makes time to connect with me emotionally before bedtime.

Right now, those are just conversations. However, I've noticed that more often than not she gives me signs that she's really turned on, too. Mid-reboot, I just enjoy her blossoming feminine nature. Post-reboot, we're excited to connect physically again, too.