On being a 26yr virgin

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by NotSoAverageJoe, May 6, 2017.

  1. I think I agree more with what someone said on this post earlier, something along the lines of: "My instinct tells me life shouldn't be this way." I think the whole situation has to do with today's modern world rather than just "how life is." I'm sorry, but I don't buy into the whole "life has to be hard" bull crap and "find your passion" hogwash. I couldn't tell you how many people I've come across that were in happy relationships yet had near ZERO passion, so I think the whole passion and life purpose thing is bullcrap and there to distract one. I mean, why don't other animals have to find their "passion" before mating and reproducing? From an evolutionary and survival stand point, "finding your passion" to find a partner, via reproduce, makes zero sense whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, we do have tons of influence over our fate, but I don't think life is nearly as black and white as some make it out to be. Over complicating things is the worst.
     
  2. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I think you may be reacting to what you thought I said. I am totally with you on "life shouldn't be this way." It is not fair, but it is life. Some things we just fight to survive, other things we can enjoy with passion.
    The point that I was trying to make is that people lie first to themselves and then to others about how easy it was. The reality of the moment was far more complicated than our memory of it. When somebody asks how it was, we remember a few good moments to tell them about. I have to work to remember how difficult it was for us to conceive, because I now see it through the filter of success. People who tell you about their pairing up are not telling you the whole story. Enjoy their story, but do not take it seriously. That is how they want to remember it and share it. They will not share what bumbling, incompetent, egotistical failures they were on their first dates. I knew a man who had asked out 39 different women repeatedly and in different ways his first year at college. All without a single date. Finally he went on his first date. When I met him, women were chasing him. He had obviously learned from his failures.
    Some day, when you have an awesome relationship with a wonderful woman, that will not be fair either; you will see it as more than you deserve, but I hope you will enjoy it.
    I also hope that you will begin to discover joys in your on going chase to find a mate. There has to be a better system.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2017
  3. balkanic_falcon

    balkanic_falcon Fapstronaut

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    Wow mate i thought it was me who wrote this. Just i have 21 and i am somehow half-virgin, because of oral sex, handjobs etc. (if this count).

    Actually, what i really want is nice, loyal and good girl who will love me, and who will be loved by me even more. It's about making love, not simply fuc**ng. You told it perfectly mate.
     
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  4. That's just it, I have lost passion for everything. Did I forget that part? Oh geeze. Like is it all even worth it? Why the hell do we exist anyway? Isn't better to not exist? I have not existed for billions of years before I was born, and haven't suffered the slightest inconveince from it. I don't see the point in anything anymore. That's the problem I have.
     
  5. Thaaat's what i want to know. Can there be joys in the chase to find a mate? Do people consider it a pleasant process? Or do they just swallow all bad emotions and push through?

    I'm calm right now; I won't freak the f**k out like i did in that other post.
    Basically i have two choices: rot alone in my room trying to fight depressive thoughts and pmo urges, a fight which i invariably lose, OR try to do the things people tell me i should do such as dressing well, spraying myself with overpriced armani deodorant and go out to social events to find friends and/or eventually someone to go on a date with.
    Now, i experienced the former enough to know there's nothing down that road; thing is the latter feels just as bad. Often worse. It's been four years. That's why i said in that other post i get the feeling life shouldn't be like this... I keep challenging myself with new things to do, meeting al sorts of new people and all i get in return is frustration and stress. Humans don't work like this, i know that much, i witness it every day.There HAS to be some part of my brain that isn't doing it's job ahah!
    I can understand women not wanting to have anything to do with me. I am objectively undesirable. The same way a young model is objectively attractive: sure she will have flaws (if not in her looks, in her personality) but nobody can argue she is ugly. Vice versa goes for me. It's something i am training myself to accept (unless i'm freaking out, see my previous post).
    Right now though, the whole package is really bad. Not just my non-existent love life. And there is no indication anything could ever improve. Because the things that should make my life better actually make it worse!

    So there you have it, that's my dilemma. I feel like i'm going slightly OT so i will stfu now.
    This is really is a good community though. Can't imagine anywhere else where i wouldn't be laughed at for saying stuff like this.
     
  6. Couldn't have said it better myself.
     
  7. Eddie Fapstronaut

    Eddie Fapstronaut Fapstronaut

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    Well said HeadSpace. One can't get caught up in just wanting to get laid. If one gets caught up in that way of thinking it will lead to bitterness and that bitterness will lead to PMO. Also, I think Waldo101 should get that award. He's earned it.
     
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  8. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    I could have replied to this earlier, but I missed it.
    When you are with real friends, you should be able to say things like this. We all need community where we can be open, be ourselves, and get good honest feedback. If we don't risk opening up, we do not risk getting very intimate with anybody. It isn't easy, but it seems to be the only real option.
    Now, for the good news. There is an interesting theory that what makes us fall in love with another person is finding somebody with the same basic flaws that our parent of the opposite sex had. We like looking at beautiful girls, but we don't really fall for one, until we find one that is twisted like our mother was/is. We recognize the issues and problems, we have lived with them all our lives, we are at home with them, and we know that we are better than our fathers are, so we will fix what they couldn't. What you need to do is find a girl with a father who was a lot like you, and she will not let you go, not even if you have 3 eyes and they're badly crossed.
     
  9. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    I agree, most people who seem to be in succesful relationships are normal people. They have a normal job, a normal amount of friends ,a normal social life and a normal outlook on life. They don't have anything that makes them special and that may actually be the catch. If you're normal and adaptable you will find love easier because there are so many people to identify with. People who try to get out of the norm have problems finding relationships because they want somebody to share their unusual life with and there are simply much fewer people around like this. I think what you mentioned with life has to be hard and finding your passion may actually make everything a lot worse because people will compare themselves to extremely high standards and thus never be confident with themselves. They'll always think I have to be better than I currently am. I think finding a passion is something that happens naturally. I don't think people who have a passion were looking for it for years. We are attracted to the things we like to do. So forcefully looking for a passion doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

    I always wondered if this theory is true. To be honest there are some characteristics of my mother I would find attractive in a woman while I would despise others. The only girl I've fallen for in my life was not like my mother I would recall.
     
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  10. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    A few people seem to come into it naturally. Some of them seem to have never been able to live without it. I knew a little girl who regularly flirted with older boys before she could even talk well. When she was pre-k, her mother commented to one young man that she was winking at, "What will I do with her when she turns 16?" He replied, "You can call me."
    Most of us didn't get started that way. Few people slide easily into relationships. Consider how many dating sites are servicing how many people who weren't easily successful on their own. They have millions of clients, many of which still aren't having much success.
    I wish it were easy for all of us. I did not enjoy coming home to roommates with girlfriends and trying to sleep alone. The worst was hopping out of the top bunk in the morning and finding a couple beneath me. That room mate was a pampered, overweight, not too swift farm boy with one lung. The only class he had was freshman, and that was at a technical school, but he didn't have to sleep alone. I did graduate with a bachelors degree from a good university, but I wasn't doing so well with passion.
     
  11. Aiyoshi

    Aiyoshi Fapstronaut

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    THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!!
     
  12. A father who is a lot like me?
    People like me don't have wives and children. I hope that theory is wrong.

    Man, I should just forget all about relationships and use that time to do other things. I had my first crush at 12. Now I'm 22. 10 years and counting without being able to get so much as a kiss on my cheek must mean something Ahahahaha

    Also, if i mentioned any of the things I post here IRL, I would be laughed at for 9 months. Even the only 2 dudes I trust and consider real friends would crack a joke and laugh about it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2017
  13. HappyDaysAreHereAgain

    HappyDaysAreHereAgain Fapstronaut

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    It's not about kids, it's about having similar personality and issues. Sometimes it is sad; if her dad was loud and abusive, she probably will not feel attracted to a quiet, well behaved young man, until he blows up.
    We live in a land of masks and shadows. We say people are real, but we really can't see through their makeup masks and costumes to see who they really are. Almost all of them are ojust as convinced that they cannot be open as you are. In courtship, we have to begin to lower the defensive shields and show who we really are. For many, we do not know who we are, so we can only begin to see who we really are. I don't know how many times i have been surprised that my wife knew me like I did not yet know me, and it began while we were dating. We would be laughed at and shunned if let it all hang out for everybody, but we need people where we can open up. The most important part of marriage is not the O, it is the acceptance of each other for who we are. Fears and secrets hurt that openness. Emotionally we want to stay safely in character, but that is a dead end for a relationship that is becoming more intimate.
    The results to opening up to self awareness of yourself and opening up to others may surprise you.
     
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  14. jack barnard

    jack barnard Fapstronaut

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    Don't go too mad, my best friend confided in me that he was a virgin until the age of 28 so all hope is not lost, just try and go to some parties (house parties) or get onto some online dating websites!!
     
  15. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant

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    Hey guy!

    I sympathize. You seem to be getting from all ends (no pun intended). I do not want to minimize your challenges. They're no doubt serious. Still, I have a few suggestions:

    (*) Forget comparisons with others (you can’t really know others as well as yourself anyway.) Your issues may be physical and financial; mine may be less easily seen or operated on. You may not be “average” – but that’s beside the point: you're here to become a proud and successful you; that's all.

    *) Likewise, erase from your mind any notion of defining a woman as “desperate,” less worthy than others, or to be used. Every human being is, like you, unique. Income, age, or public prettiness? Irrelevant. One of the more feminine women I’ve ever known was not “pretty” and yet so beautiful. We’re here NOT to objectify people by outward characteristics and none of those traits has any bearing on your, or their, capacity to love.

    *) If you feel you must follow @Headspace's initial advice, so be it. But my money's on @LavaMe's wisdom and approach. Get clean, become at peace with yourself, and then look for a woman to love and who will love you in return. Hint: you can’t find her on a P site.

    Inner strength, patience, and success!
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2017
  16. Txqjacki

    Txqjacki Fapstronaut

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    This is not really true. The root of addictions is the fear of emptiness. Addictions are things you use to distract yourself from that fear. Technically almost everything is an addiction. You are most likely addicted to your phone, computer, television - even thinking can be an addiction. As a rule of thumb, anything that you can't go a week without doing, and getting cravings for it, is an addiction. Now you can try that on basically anything, and you'll be surprised at how many things you're addicted to.

    Of course, some addictions are more harmful than others, especially P and M addiction. There's only one way to go, and that's forward. Fill your life with things that matter, and rule out P and M. Check out my thread on the "Self-improvement" forum, called "Getting started with meditation?". One of the videos there talks about the root cause of addiction, and how you break loose of all of them. Meditation can also help your NoFap journey. Its worth a shot :)

    Stay strong friend!
     
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