On my last straw in life

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by Gclement56, Sep 3, 2018.

  1. Gclement56

    Gclement56 Fapstronaut

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    My friends of NoFap, I come to you a broken young man with a feeling of hopelessness and feeling like this may be my last chance to enjoy a happy normal life. I am having a very serious battle with depression and my self esteem is non existent, I believe this all stems from my sexual dysfunction and inability to have sex and lack of sex drive due to 12-13 years of addiction to porn and masturbation. I desperately need some words of advice from someone who has been in my shoes before I give up for good.

    I discovered porn and started regularly masturbating around 14-15. At the time I never really experienced anything sexual or had a relationship with a girl, so this was my introduction to the sex world. I had really poor confidence growing up (was the "fat kid" in school, picked on, parents never really helped me find sources to boost my self esteem) so I never really tried to pursue girls, I kept to my own. Eventually in high school, some girls began to notice me and pursue me. As much as I adored, liked them and wanted to get intimate with them, my experience with lacking confidence and being with girls overtook my mind. I would get really really anxious when they would make a move on me and I would freeze up because I was nervous I wouldnt know what I was doing. Anything else who experiences this understands, you CANNOT get hard when you are severely anxious. I would try to explain this to the girls I was with, and was subsequently dumped for it time and time again. Each ended relationship over it would further push my self confidence down and my anxiety up.

    Throughout this process, I would still regularly look at porn. I eventually started to drift toward Femdom porn during an early age and eventually thats all I ever watched and fapped to. I am still currently trapped in a nightmare scenario where I only watch femdom porn and only the idea of being dominated turns me on, not vanilla sex. But anyways fast forward a bit and I eventually found my first girlfriend at 17 who was understanding and waited for me to get over my anxiety. It eventually faded and we had a healthy and sexual relationship for about a year. I had several girlfriends afterwards who gave me the same experience. Would allow me to get over the anxiety for a few months to the point where I was comfortable having sex with them. I enjoyed having sex regularly even though I would still fap to femdom porn on the side. I could only have sex with woman I felt secure with and trusted, and I could never and still cannot have a one night stand or sleep around with woman due to my crushing anxiety and inability to get turned on. My last relationship ended almost two years ago, it was the best sexual relationship I had, we would have sex multiple times a day and she was understanding of my desire to be dominated. That being said, somehow someway, my addiction to femdom porn and to be dominated grew tremendously with her, and I feel like thats when my addiction started to spiral out of control.

    Fast forward to today, I am 27. I am healthy and fit, I lift weights regularly 4-5 days a week and I hike a mountain at least once a week. I have a secure and good job, and I would consider myself fairly attractive. I get hit on regularly at work, out in public. I even have a few friends of mine who are girls who offer me sex casually. Theres just one problem. I do not find myself turned on at all anymore to the idea of vanilla sex. In my mind I WANT to, but i feel like my normal sex drive is completely destroyed. I havent had sex with anyone in almost 2 years. I am never horny, only when I fap to ideas of femdom or femdom porn do I get horny. But internally I am craving and desiring to be intimate with a woman. I feel broken. I have been head over heels with this beautiful girl I know for almost a year and a half now. We are best friends and talk everyday. We talk about having sex, she regularly hits on me. The other night she asked me out to dinner and brought me home and we cuddled and tried to get physical but my dick was absolutely dead. No movement, no nothing. I felt extremely tense and had severe anxiety to the point where she even said "why does your energy feel so wacky?"

    I am starting to freak out a bit. I withdraw from or turn down any offers of sex or sexual situations out of fears I wont be turned on, will be judged and then abandoned. Some people make jokes that I must be "gay" because of this, even though I have romantic feelings for women. I dont remember a time in my life when I got turned on by normal porn or by looking at women. Only femdom porn. Since the age of 14 I have consistently PMO'd to femdom porn anywhere from 1-5 times a day regularly. I am starting to fear that I have trained my brain to only be turned on by situations like this and that I will never ever be able to have a normal sexual relationship again. This is causing me a tremendous amount of depression and anxiety and I feel like If I cannot find a relationship or have a normal sexual life I will spiral out of control. Has anyone else experienced this? I have had a few streaks of 16 days before which made me feel great but nothing more. Will my brain restore to wanting to pro-create with woman through normal sexual intimacy because of biology? Any advice will help. Thank you!
     
  2. Tiger uppercut!

    Tiger uppercut! Nofap Moderator
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    Of course it will. Porn has screwed with your brain, my friend. Now you can see how dangerous this certain fetish can really be. 16 days is great but it’s going to take longer for your brain to undo the damage that’s been done for years. It’s a hard battle, man...I’m not going to lie to you. There will be many ups and downs...but just remember that your brain is healing during this. Over time little things about women will start to turn you on...trust me.

    Ultimately the choice is yours, my friend. Make a decision to stay away from porn for good and in time things will return to normal.

    Remember that lust is never satisfied. No matter how much you feed it. It will always be hungry. It’s a never ending circle of misery.

    Best wishes to ya! Stay strong.
     
    Gclement56 and Wario32 like this.
  3. Younameit

    Younameit Fapstronaut

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    keep lifting weights, it will help
     

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