On the verge of divorce..

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by His Wife, May 8, 2019.

Is it time for me to move on or does he have hope?

  1. Move on

    2 vote(s)
    50.0%
  2. Help Him

    2 vote(s)
    50.0%
  1. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Hello....
    Ive been married to my "Best Friend" for 3 years.. been together for 7 years. And I do say "Best Friend" because he feels more like a friend rather than a husband. We have a good relationship, for the most part. We can go out and have a great time together. I believe we make a great team together but we DO NOT have an intimate relationship..If im lucky we have sex once every 2 months, Thats literally 6 times a year.. How OBSURD is that. I don't feel like he's "My Husband".
    I first realized his PA when we first got married but I was in denial and not well educated on PA. Our marriage is holding on by a thread.. We have tried Counseling, a lot of different counselors to be exact. We always change counselors because he finds an excuse to not follow up.. example: " She's a white woman she's never going to understand us." or " He's on your side". He's blinded by his PA its so hard for him to stop.. or I now feel like he doesn't care to stop it. Ive bought him books on PA, I signed him up to SAA classes, Ive talked to him and He will be good for a week and then return to Porn. He finds a way to always turn around everything on me.
    He doesn't take responsibility of his actions and doesn't realize how bad he is affecting our relationship. I know I'm not the problem I am 30 years old with a high libido and I am physically fit, beautiful and smart. Men and Women tell me Im beautiful EVERYDAY, Every time we go out I get compliments but none of them matter If I don't have the attention from the only man that matters.
    I let him know that I need sex, but even after a conversation he gets offended He gets aggressive, he attacks and blames me and says I started the fight because I bring it up.. Ive caught him on the act, I've found Porn on his computer, phone and even our TV, He has no self Control. Everyone at work knows he watches Porn, They talk about him and make him out like a Pervert.
    Sometimes I wonder if he's Gay, Ive seen gay porn, transexual porn in his history. Ive caught him at a "Gay Sauna" and Doing crazy FAP like inserting a wine bottle in his butt.. Thats when he first opened up to me about his PA and asked me for help but I dont know if it was because he was ashamed that I caught him because he only went to SAA classes for a month and never went back. Ive stuck with him thru thick and thin and I don't want to walk away from my marriage without trying one last time. PA is not only affecting my husband, It's affecting my family and myself. I don't want to ever look back and say I didn't try. At first I thought this was a rough patch but 3 years later and It doesn't get any better now it just feels forced and robotic. I feel like im losing myself trying to revive a relationship that has died a long time ago.
     
  2. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    I'm crying to the lord that my relationship doesn't get to this point, but I'm seeking help. I need and want help.
     
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  3. signalskew

    signalskew New Fapstronaut

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    My wife caught me in the act one time, and she said something like "let me do that for you." I think that was the best possible response. There was no shame involved. She just wanted to help me, and it ended up helping her too because it made me more interested in our sex life together. Maybe offering to help him like that would get your husband more interested in your sex life together?

    I can't speak to the PMO habits of all straight men, but I can say that my habits definitely weren't that gay.
     
  4. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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  5. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    This is kind of true.. Right now all I want is for my wife to give me a nice hand job.. I don't want to fail at sex... I just need a hand job without her getting mad.
     
  6. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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  7. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Ill give him a hand job, blow job that's deft. not the problem. By the time I get home he already watched soo much porn he's not interest anymore
     
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  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear your story, I can relate in part to your husbands troubles.

    From what you describe his recovery has been lead by you his wife , is that right?

    Has your husband admitted he needed help to someone outside of you?
     
  9. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Yes I fell like I want him to recover more than he does himself..
    He did admit to our counselor and at his SAA meetings.
     
  10. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yes I got the sense of that in your original post.

    I have struggled getting counselors to understand me ; I especially liked the “she’s white and can’t relate!” lol.

    Yeah. What essentially helped me was finding ppl who can relate here
     
  11. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    I left porn behind.. Fuck that trash.
     
  12. I'm not gay either, have never had sexual relationship with another man or even ever so much as checked another man out. That being said, I have watched A LOT of transexual porn, some gay porn( orgies especially) and I too have inserted the occasional "wine bottle" up my ass. Still, definitely not gay. So I can at least offer some insight into that. At least for me - the porn I watch and my sexuality don't need to have a connection. It's the high I'm seeking, not the porn, and if regular porn won't do it and gay porn will provide me with it - then gay porn it is. And if it takes a wine bottle up my ass to get me off - then off to the liquor store I am.

    Maybe ask him if he'd like it if you bought a strap-on? If that's a recurring theme and You would be into that.
    You just have to sink that hook into him, find common ground. If you do - you just might pull him out, reason with him. Ask him what is something he wants to do, if you're not repulsed by it - do it. If you are - cut your losses. If it won't work and all he will still want is porn - dump him, that ought to wake him up. If it won't - at least you'll know where you both stand and know that you did everything you could.

    All that being said, if you feel like giving up - it's entirely up to you and after all you've been through, you know no one can judge you.
     
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  13. His Wife

    His Wife Fapstronaut

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    Hey .. Im to the point where im willing to try anything.. before I confronted him with any of this I had already caught him watching the gay porn.. I went and bought a big dildo and used it on him during sex.. He took it like a champ..at that point.. 3 years ago.. I didn't know or accepted he had a PA.. I shamed him and threw it in his face when we started arguing about a related subject.. At that time I didn't know any better.. I really thought he was gay.
     
  14. Wow... that's rough. I get it though, you were sick of it and burst out. He must have done his part to provoke you too, still... bad move, I understand though. But it's hard to get back from shaming. I witnessed it in relationship of my parents, and I witnessed it in my own. You only ever really go there when the relationship is on the brink of total destruction, yet there are some obligations keeping you together. And then time passes and you start to think, or realize, that there's more than that keeping you together. And yet every day question yourself, is there, really? Or am I just fooling myself?
    I don't know what to tell you from what I read other than what I already did. I understand that it's hard and complicated and that emotions often get in the way, but when you strip the problems of all of that - they all become really simple, and this one is no different - either both of you are willing to be adults, sit down and talk about it, and decide best course of action, where both sides require some sort of sacrifice to reach middle ground and you get out of this problem together - or you fall apart. It's all up to you both, and if you're really sick of it, if you've really had enough to such an extent that you no longer know what to do - as in, break up or stay together - then you owe it to yourself, your frustrations and your pain, to leave your emotions "away", sit down and have an adult conversation. You will know when the time is right to do it. And if it fails and your husband pushes you away yet again - it's too late to mend this. Walk away.

    P.S. I only call it "adult" conversation, because in my opinion people act like kids when their emotions take over, rationale flies straight outta window.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2019
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    So, do you remember what happens to Halle Berry’s first husband ? Eric?

    I recall vividly when they broke up. I was like .... the hell.... who gives up Halle berry in the flesh??? And I mean. Eric is obviously fine as hell. So, this pmo thing can really mess with anyone. That’s why they broke up according to one report.

    As for your man, I think the indirect approach will be more much effective than the direct one. But I say that because the first challenge you describe is trust.

    If he cannot trust you or anyone else he won’t be able to deepen any relationship. So the question is how to build trust ? Or build rapport?

    I can tell you if he doesn’t admit he has an addiction the help you suggest won’t help. But what I found in having an AP is that it really changed how I thought. I was able to relate with someone ... finally. Counselors who haven’t struggled through addictions don’t have an instant connection as a recovering addict to another does.

    Porn requires the user to isolate themselves to practice it, isolating as well their feelings about it from others, so we become both isolated and emotionally detached in order to practice it. When you try to make a regular conversation you can’t penetrate this barrier easily without trust. Having someone who has been there would be perfect. The key is to be able to listen without shame. Shame perpetuates the isolation which in turn triggers the addictive pattern.

    Here at NoFap there are people who open up to be an AP. When he’s ready there are ppl who can function like that.
     
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