On the verge of insanity

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by NF SINCE BIRTH, Jul 8, 2017.

  1. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Today I mixed pills and alcohol. I have done it many times before but this time is different. I waited until my sister went to sleep and drove to the grocery store. When I got back home i continued watching bad horror movies. My 6 month stay at the hospital is soon ending. I dont want to be healthy. I want to sink deeper into madness. I want to kill myself over and over again. I always bring a kitchen knife with me in case I want to hurt myself. I see dead people. Shadows watching me from the corners of my eye. I can control it but I dont want to. The more I entertain the thoughts the more real it becomes.
     
  2. Mixtec

    Mixtec Fapstronaut

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    Well, whatever you do, think about where your actions will lead you...

    I say this as someone with close friends who are in prison doing years and guys from my accountability group that were at one time facing life sentences.

    Everything will get better. There is hope. It requires getting rid of the things that are destroying us though...its hard I know.
     
    NF SINCE BIRTH and Flyhigh like this.
  3. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    This post is troubling but not surprising.
    Invest yourself with good actions, thoughts, and behaviors.
    Invest time, energy and thoughts towards getting pills and alcohol, watching horror movies, carrying around a kitchen knife, and believing in shadows and the results won't be good for you, me, or anyone.
    Be good to yourself.
     
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  4. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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  5. pcmaster

    pcmaster Fapstronaut

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    Its good that you didnt become insane but are only at verge of insanity. But alcohol is a good way how to become crazy and when you mix it with pills then you become crazy between crazy persons.
     
    NF SINCE BIRTH likes this.
  6. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    Clearly you don't want this for yourself. Get help. Check yourself into a hospital emergency room. Sometimes we cannot function on our own. It will get better.
     
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  7. sean5

    sean5 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    Just wanted to let you know that I have had similar feelings and thoughts. And I checked myself into emergency room. There is no shame in doing this. This happens a lot. People are pushed to the edge and need help. You are not alone. Please help yourself by getting help.
     
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  8. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    I am back at the hospital. I am sick and tired of this place. They want me to take a urine test. I feel like all my dignity has gone down the drain. They dont trust me. My psychologist doesnt trust me so she wants me to take tests. I feel like I will never find love. How can I? I dont even like myself. It bothers me that my psychologist told me that we can never be friends. I feel like she doesnt really care. She acts like she cares. After all this is just her job. I am stuck here with nothing going for me.
     
  9. jest

    jest Fapstronaut

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    What you think you become.

    You think you'll never find love? Then you won't.
    You think people don't trust you? Then they won't.

    You're stuck? You're not stuck my friend, you're on a journey, if it wasn't for the bad times you're going through right now you wouldn't be able to appreciate all the great positive things that are coming to you.

    You can choose to give up and accept your unhappiness or you can endure it so you become stronger and you can help others like yourself in the future. Become an example, an example of greatness and success. Be grateful for being alive, take a moment to observe everything around you, isn't it wonderful? Everything you see was either nature's doing or Man's doing. The only person keeping you from being happy is yourself, it's a choice you can make.

    I wish you the best, you can and will turn your situation around, make peace with where you are first and slowly but surely you will feel the joy of simply existing and then all your wishes and dreams will come true.
     
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  10. Genji

    Genji Guest

    GO GET SOME THERAPY ASAP. If you don't, I'll drag you there. It's for your own good.
     
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  11. sean5

    sean5 Fapstronaut

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    You have two things that I am certain of: you have 9 days no PMO, which is much more than I do, and a determination to heal and get better. You're right, you may not have much going for you now, but you can and will have stuff going for you if you hang in there. I am cheering you on man.
     
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  12. What is this world coming to I ask myself. The poor fucks....oh the poor fucks..
     
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  13. NF SINCE BIRTH

    NF SINCE BIRTH Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the replies. They are much appreciated. Today is my 90th day at the hospital. I feel better today. It probably wont last but at least I managed to workout today. I have at least 11 mental disorders. I havent really bothered to ask what I have. I know that I have complex PTSD and Scizoaffective disorder. I am hearing voices today. They talk about disturbing topics like autopsy of childs, burning of religious books and talk in riddles. For example: Can you hear the crows laughing and the horses smile? Have you tuned in your disc recorder? God will make your days harder, harder, harder... I better not listen to them. They have made me attempt suicide three times already.
     
  14. It is hard for many of us to even imagine what your life is like right now. Yet we care deeply and want the best for you. :)

    The thing about diagnoses is that they are both important and unimportant. In the former because they are a kind of shorthand whereby many symptoms can be grouped together under each heading. also because each diagnosis will have a care pathway with therapies and/or medications that can ease and address the distress you are experiencing. The latter because what matters above all else is the impact these things have on you, so what it is called is rather irrelevant.
    There is one thing completely consistent, that is these voices are either babbling nonsense or downright nasty and very dangerous. Do not listen to them. Please take your prescribed antipsychotics so they are quieted. This is so important!

    It is lovely to hear that you feel better today compared with your tortured state yesterday. I hope that continues brother.
     
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  15. sean5

    sean5 Fapstronaut

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    I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better today. As IGY said, we care deeply and want the best for you! Please keep us updated.
     
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