Once again hurt and let down

Sorry to hear that.
You deserve better. Let his screens be his wife.

 

I really don't know the whole of story and hence I might come wrong with my words here
So asking sorry in advance if that turns out to be the case

Have you discussed with him, one on one what you actually feel and what is on your mind
If it's not done, then he might be there thinking everything is fine

Telling him this is the last chance that he should go to counseling and if even after that, you see no change or effort by him, then initial steps of separation like staying away might trigger him to rethink about this habit

https://www.antipornography.org/home.html

This website and especially some of its documentary will give you insight into why porn is wrong

Hope it helps !

 

You have taken a step and thats positive action
You know your husband the most and hence wait if the counselling starts soon for a time that seem fit according to you

But if you feel he is not giving concern,
Then staying in a relationship where you are at the recieving end of hurt is also not good either

I think the one single thing that can flip the problem is making him admit that porn is not good
Not good for his brain /productivity in long run
Not good for people around him
Not good for porn actresses as he lures them into industry indirectly creating consumer demand, into an industry in which many of the actresses are accused

So, try gathering maximum evidence and arguments to support the fact that porn is wrong

Once he admits it... He mostly will decide to quit and you can support him

If he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, he might always be thinking what did I do wrong or I was on the right?

These are just suggestions,
I know it's a tough time and only you know the pain
Whatever is your well thought out decision,
Have hope and things will turn out good

 

The fist step to getting sober from any addiction is realizing and agreeing that one have a problem and is addicted. Mind of an addict is not rational due to changes in brain that are cutting off rational executive functioning of prefrontal cortex, so lower limbic system is leading the way. This is called 'hypofrontality'. This is not an excuse to what your husband is doing to you and himself.
In fact, his brain is doing it to him and to you. One more time - this is not excuse to act in such hurtful way but knowledge is useful to at least have some understanding on what's happening.
An article:
"Neuroscience Speaks: How Using Porn Destroys Your Willpower"
https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/02/28/hypofrontality/

In my language, synonymous word for 'masturbation' is 'self-rape'.

 

Although I never been in such situation I feel to some extent your pain through your words. I can't imagine being myself in such situation.
I wish you solution and relief to come.

 

You deserve better. If he loves you, he would put a little effort in changing his behavior. Porn has killed so many people's potential since it exists.

 

This is how I see this post: please don´t take it personally but it´s too short and lacks too many elements.
It looks like it has been written during the moment you felt really down without taking a step back at the ideas you expose. You should have given many more details for us to understand the BIG PICTURE.
There are many elements lacking in what you say and make your husband look like the source of the unlimited suffering you are shouldering (without counting the problems of your brothers addictions).
But here are some questions which really need to be answered in order to understand your relationship with your husband as well as things that could explain the origin of his addiction.

" We are all in the same boat"

- When did his addiction begin ? How did it begin ?
- Do you know the precise reasons of his addiction ?
- How is / has been your sex life?
- You might want to understand that Men crave more for porn than Women do, because scientifically it has been proven to be like that (can´t go into details here, there are tons of explanations on the net).
- He negates his behaviour for a simple reason: the Shame...every porn addict feels ashamed. I can tell you, this is a weght we have to shoulder and it´s really really not easy to talk about even with your most beloved. You need to understand this.
- He can´t view his addiction as being wrong because it´s an allready normalized behaviour integrated into the depths of his mind. It´s like breathing air. He needs it!
- Your husband is actually the first victim and the one destroying himself most. Not you, you are not the real victim but the collateral one. The problem is that he doesn´t know it because porn is the drug that makes him feel good and forget about the negativity of porn´s impact itself !
- You should support and help him. If you stop trusting him....you are not helping him. He is allready in a pit and all he does is running around in the depths of it. What he needs is a helping hand getting him out of it, for good!

An addicted person needs HELP, LOVE and TIME, time to understand especially.
Ask someone who takes care of an Alzheimer person and you will see it´s far worse than living with a porn addict. Alzheimer is not about forgeting (like many uninformed people think) but it´s actually about violent outbursts, permanent insults, negation of your own family, your own bonds, completely irrationnal behaviour...you can´t control this. And this illness eats up and destroys more the family of the afflicted person than the person itself. An Alzheimer person was a NORMAL PERSON before.....but now....she is deep down and doesn´t even know it....

This is is the same with a porn-addict. But a porn-addict is 2 persons: the one you know for it´s good sides AND " the other one", the one you don´t know and only lives inside of the limits of the PC Screen.

There might be two scenarios:
1 ) You give up now and he will never forget this and make you responsible for leaving him no matter what.
2) You give up, you leave him...but he will still not understand and continue. That might be actually the worst case scenario depicting the real lack of help he needs but doesn´t even seems to feel he needs. Because in his mind he doesn´t need help!

It´s hard I know but you must show him how much you care for him, otherwise...he will be helpless, like a child. And we porn addicts all have a moment where we are really helpless...

 

Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds really rough and like you have done your best and that at the very least you need some separation from him so he can see what he stands to lose and so that you have some time to heal and get resolved on your best path forward. If it helps, it isn't for any lack of value or trying on your part. This goddam disease is such a beast, I have been trying to beat it for 25 years, and it still kicks my ass every week so please know that it is not a reflection on you!!

Wish you healing and happiness.

 

Did you try to keep a porn movie on while you have both sex ? IF yes hiw did it work out ? The porn movie might trigger his excitment...and get him hard maybe...for the " real deal" :/
PS: on a very personal level...if this is really true that sensitivity during real sex is literally lost when someone is used to an auto-masturbation mechanism where only himself controls his excitment.......then I am afraid to be in a very very bad situation.........for the future. (I never had sex but..........I guess it might be really hard for me...).

 

wow what a pig! i wish the government can step in and make porn illegal just based on how many lives it has ruined. porn is a danger to society and i feel like if i wasn't watching porn rn i could be in a relationship with the person that i truly love. but now thanks to porn i have to stay home and stare at a wall while i try to deal with this unatural feelings of depression and anxiety.

 

Hey!
How old are you 2? What are you both doing for work? Are you from the US?
How long are you two together and for how long has he been addicted? Where you having a healthy sexlife at the beginning?