Once again hurt and let down

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by hurtlady, May 29, 2021.

  1. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    Once again I caught my husband masterbating to pornography. He had live cam footage of a couple having sex from two different angles on two different computer screens up ans had just finished himself off. He is a monster addict at this point. I am pretty sure I can no longer stay in this marriage with him. I have asked him to go to counseling and this time he has agreed to. I will have to see if he has any fallow through on it, but I am unsure if it will make a difference. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he does . He doesn’t view it as wrong. Watching pornographic content and masterbating 2-4 times a day is excessive and addictive behavior he doesn’t acknowledge having. I no longer trust him at all in anyway. How can I be married to a man I no longer trust. He has lied so much hiding his behavior, gaslighting me to a degree and that is abhorrent behavior. I felt part of the love I have for him fall away when I caught him AGAIN. I would rather be poor and alone than stay in this marriage simply because I can’t afford to leave with out loosing a large portion to the quality of my life. That is what people do to you. They trick you in to seeing them for someone they are not and make you love them and invest in them and your life with them. They get you to a point that you can’t get out easily. To a point where you love them so much you emotionally feel like you can’t walk away. Suck you in and then pound your heart to DUST with selfish hurtful behavior. Singular thoughts in themselves and their needs or wants and fuck whoever is in their way. I just want out.
     
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  2. Sorry to hear that.
    You deserve better. Let his screens be his wife.
     
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  3. Sunijacob

    Sunijacob Fapstronaut

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    I really don't know the whole of story and hence I might come wrong with my words here
    So asking sorry in advance if that turns out to be the case

    Have you discussed with him, one on one what you actually feel and what is on your mind
    If it's not done, then he might be there thinking everything is fine

    Telling him this is the last chance that he should go to counseling and if even after that, you see no change or effort by him, then initial steps of separation like staying away might trigger him to rethink about this habit

    https://www.antipornography.org/home.html

    This website and especially some of its documentary will give you insight into why porn is wrong

    Hope it helps !
     
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  4. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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  5. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    I have had the conversation with him that this is it for me. He knows I am considering separation. I slept in the guest room last night and will do so again tonight. I even mentioned today that I feel it may be best if one of us moved in to the first room until he starts counseling and we see where it leads. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to just give up but at the same time I can’t keep letting him hurt me…..
     
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  6. Sunijacob

    Sunijacob Fapstronaut

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    You have taken a step and thats positive action
    You know your husband the most and hence wait if the counselling starts soon for a time that seem fit according to you

    But if you feel he is not giving concern,
    Then staying in a relationship where you are at the recieving end of hurt is also not good either

    I think the one single thing that can flip the problem is making him admit that porn is not good
    Not good for his brain /productivity in long run
    Not good for people around him
    Not good for porn actresses as he lures them into industry indirectly creating consumer demand, into an industry in which many of the actresses are accused

    So, try gathering maximum evidence and arguments to support the fact that porn is wrong

    Once he admits it... He mostly will decide to quit and you can support him

    If he thinks there is nothing wrong with it, he might always be thinking what did I do wrong or I was on the right?

    These are just suggestions,
    I know it's a tough time and only you know the pain
    Whatever is your well thought out decision,
    Have hope and things will turn out good
     
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  7. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    The fist step to getting sober from any addiction is realizing and agreeing that one have a problem and is addicted. Mind of an addict is not rational due to changes in brain that are cutting off rational executive functioning of prefrontal cortex, so lower limbic system is leading the way. This is called 'hypofrontality'. This is not an excuse to what your husband is doing to you and himself.
    In fact, his brain is doing it to him and to you. One more time - this is not excuse to act in such hurtful way but knowledge is useful to at least have some understanding on what's happening.
    An article:
    "Neuroscience Speaks: How Using Porn Destroys Your Willpower"
    https://www.covenanteyes.com/2014/02/28/hypofrontality/

    In my language, synonymous word for 'masturbation' is 'self-rape'.
     
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  8. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    I am just not sure how many years I am supposed to put up with this to give him the time to see his wrong. I have been so hurt there is no more of me to give over to this anymore. I am just exhausted with hurt. I understand it’s an addicts mind he has I have brothers with drug addictions I have seen an addicted mind at work and that is part of what is making this even harder for me. I have seen them battle their addictions for over two decades and I know I can’t give my husband that kind of time to get his ass straight. I just can’t.
     
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  9. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Although I never been in such situation I feel to some extent your pain through your words. I can't imagine being myself in such situation.
    I wish you solution and relief to come.
     
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  10. zeke27

    zeke27 Fapstronaut

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    You deserve better. If he loves you, he would put a little effort in changing his behavior. Porn has killed so many people's potential since it exists.
     
  11. PornisMyGirlfriend

    PornisMyGirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    This is how I see this post: please don´t take it personally but it´s too short and lacks too many elements.
    It looks like it has been written during the moment you felt really down without taking a step back at the ideas you expose. You should have given many more details for us to understand the BIG PICTURE.
    There are many elements lacking in what you say and make your husband look like the source of the unlimited suffering you are shouldering (without counting the problems of your brothers addictions).
    But here are some questions which really need to be answered in order to understand your relationship with your husband as well as things that could explain the origin of his addiction.

    " We are all in the same boat"

    - When did his addiction begin ? How did it begin ?
    - Do you know the precise reasons of his addiction ?
    - How is / has been your sex life?
    - You might want to understand that Men crave more for porn than Women do, because scientifically it has been proven to be like that (can´t go into details here, there are tons of explanations on the net).
    - He negates his behaviour for a simple reason: the Shame...every porn addict feels ashamed. I can tell you, this is a weght we have to shoulder and it´s really really not easy to talk about even with your most beloved. You need to understand this.
    - He can´t view his addiction as being wrong because it´s an allready normalized behaviour integrated into the depths of his mind. It´s like breathing air. He needs it!
    - Your husband is actually the first victim and the one destroying himself most. Not you, you are not the real victim but the collateral one. The problem is that he doesn´t know it because porn is the drug that makes him feel good and forget about the negativity of porn´s impact itself !
    - You should support and help him. If you stop trusting him....you are not helping him. He is allready in a pit and all he does is running around in the depths of it. What he needs is a helping hand getting him out of it, for good!

    An addicted person needs HELP, LOVE and TIME, time to understand especially.
    Ask someone who takes care of an Alzheimer person and you will see it´s far worse than living with a porn addict. Alzheimer is not about forgeting (like many uninformed people think) but it´s actually about violent outbursts, permanent insults, negation of your own family, your own bonds, completely irrationnal behaviour...you can´t control this. And this illness eats up and destroys more the family of the afflicted person than the person itself. An Alzheimer person was a NORMAL PERSON before.....but now....she is deep down and doesn´t even know it....

    This is is the same with a porn-addict. But a porn-addict is 2 persons: the one you know for it´s good sides AND " the other one", the one you don´t know and only lives inside of the limits of the PC Screen.

    There might be two scenarios:
    1 ) You give up now and he will never forget this and make you responsible for leaving him no matter what.
    2) You give up, you leave him...but he will still not understand and continue. That might be actually the worst case scenario depicting the real lack of help he needs but doesn´t even seems to feel he needs. Because in his mind he doesn´t need help!

    It´s hard I know but you must show him how much you care for him, otherwise...he will be helpless, like a child. And we porn addicts all have a moment where we are really helpless...
     
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  12. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    I have no more tust to give as far as that goes. It has been crushed over the years of trying to be helpful. Everyone has a limit and I have hit mine. To think we we “collateral victims “ don’t have a limit to our ability to tolerate is being blind. There comes a point where it doesn’t matter anymore it just hurts too much. As far as our sex life goes we used to have sex ALL THE TIME but not anymore because he masterbates so much he has a hard time keeping it hard for the real deal. It doesn’t matter how well it’s going when we are having sex he can’t keep it up he rarely ejaculates with real sex.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2021
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  13. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    So the intimate part of our marriage is being severely neglected on his part. I initiate and he is interested but can’t fallow through. It is destroying our marriage. It is destroying a part of me. I have the absolute kinkiest stuff to wear to bed and it doesn’t matter. I am at a total loss in self confidence at this point.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2021
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  14. Sam78

    Sam78 Fapstronaut
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    Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds really rough and like you have done your best and that at the very least you need some separation from him so he can see what he stands to lose and so that you have some time to heal and get resolved on your best path forward. If it helps, it isn't for any lack of value or trying on your part. This goddam disease is such a beast, I have been trying to beat it for 25 years, and it still kicks my ass every week so please know that it is not a reflection on you!!

    Wish you healing and happiness.
     
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  15. PornisMyGirlfriend

    PornisMyGirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Did you try to keep a porn movie on while you have both sex ? IF yes hiw did it work out ? The porn movie might trigger his excitment...and get him hard maybe...for the " real deal" :/
    PS: on a very personal level...if this is really true that sensitivity during real sex is literally lost when someone is used to an auto-masturbation mechanism where only himself controls his excitment.......then I am afraid to be in a very very bad situation.........for the future. (I never had sex but..........I guess it might be really hard for me...).
     
  16. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    At this point to invite porn in to the bed room would be feeding his problem.
     
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  17. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    So I moved some of my personal items in to the guest bedroom as well as my toiletries in to the guest bath. I am hoping that showing how serious I am about the need for counseling and a need for him to give real show of effort on trying to beat this. I will move back in the bedroom once he actually seems someone .
     
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  18. blookes

    blookes Fapstronaut

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    wow what a pig! i wish the government can step in and make porn illegal just based on how many lives it has ruined. porn is a danger to society and i feel like if i wasn't watching porn rn i could be in a relationship with the person that i truly love. but now thanks to porn i have to stay home and stare at a wall while i try to deal with this unatural feelings of depression and anxiety.
     
  19. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Hey!
    How old are you 2? What are you both doing for work? Are you from the US?
    How long are you two together and for how long has he been addicted? Where you having a healthy sexlife at the beginning?
     
  20. hurtlady

    hurtlady Fapstronaut

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    I work in the health field he works in the computer tech field. We are both in our 40’s and he has had his problem for some time. I do not know when he started. We had amazing sex before. Like life altering mind blowing sex …..the kind of sex that makes you wonder if the sex before having sex together was actually any good.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2021

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