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One month - What has changed

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by vercent99, Sep 2, 2020.

  1. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    I think I've taken like a month break off this forum (not NoFap itself), my reason was that I personally felt that I was talking so much about porn here that I believed it could maybe cause me to relapse quicker (think more about porn = more urges = relapse)

    In this month I had some improvements and some things changed the same.

    I do think less of porn but still my streaks are again 3-4 days (sometimes 1-2 days), although during those days I do not, or barely think of porn, so that's good. I also stopped downloading porn when I thought it was impossible for me to delete my porn folder, but I did. However, for the wrong reason. I should've deleted it because downloading porn (and watching) is wrong, but I did it because I was scared of getting caught. But at least I do tell myself it is wrong when I am close to downloading again.

    A big relief, I stopped edging, so I barely ever have any testicle pains. Those pains started with my edging issues, I still have my varicoceles, spermatoceles and probably other issues but still didn't visit a doctor yet because I want to go without my parents as I don't want to tell the doctor in front of them about my porn/masturbation history.

    Another big relief, I haven't had any sleep paralysis, all of this for basically a whole month! I also passed my exams with great results so I'm eager to open up a new aspect of my life, which is to hopefully entering engineering university :)

    On the downside, I went back to my energy drink addiction (but this week toned it down again), and since recently I have been thinking again about my ex from 6 years ago. I honestly think I might never forget her, like trauma. I can only mask the feelings. Although I haven't teared up, I keep seeing her in my dreams, I keep thinking about our past connections and experiences, the flirting, memories, pictures in my head, etc. I thought I could escape it by deleting social media (which I did 3 years ago) but it clearly doesn't help. When I see girls that look of her in the streets, I go the other way, I get too anxious. If I have to get groceries from a specific shop and I see a girl that looks like her, I always think it's her and I go away from shyness. I still haven't felt any feelings for other girls, even if they are attractive. At porn I sometimes watch girls that remind me of her appearance (althougu I don't search for such videos, but if I see a girl that looks like her, I watch the video). I keep trying to solve subliminal (perhaps non-existing) messages from thinks she said before. I can go on and on. Gaming is still the best way for me to forget about everything.

    I feel like I am two persons mentally, a strong one that doesn't care about anything, and one that is too emotional. For example when my parents and siblings want to go out for a nice dinner, the strong part of me really does not want to go outside, not a single bit, I just want to stay home the whole day (which everyone in my family knows, but still they want to go on excursions with me). So this part of me tells them no I don't want to go outside sorry. And then in the back of my mind there is the emotional part of me that is really sad that about me that I don't want to go out with my own family, it keeps making me think how disappointed my family is of me. And then the strong part comes in again saying that I should do what I feel more comfortable with myself, which is staying at home. I don't know what to do in such scenarios.

    Lastly, although I want to become an engineer I am afraid of failing because I'm not the smartest person and lazy, although even since a kid, I always loved mathematics. I am scared of failing the hardships that I will confront.

    Those are some stuff that I had to get off of my chest. I will probably again take time off of the forum and check some time later on.
     
    thinking_differently likes this.
  2. thinking_differently

    thinking_differently Fapstronaut

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    You can become smart. How?
    This.
    Work won’t be “hard” if you do what you like, and laziness will become irrelevant.
     
    vercent99 likes this.
  3. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you my friend
     
    thinking_differently likes this.
  4. Idk how old you are (i'm 22), but for me this gets easier. I can sometimes be the same. Instantly gravitate towards no, excuses, etc; when being asked to go out with family or sometimes friends, among other things. It's good to step out of your comfort zone sometimes and go on these excursions, but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and your family and say that you're not really feeling it. (Depends on situation.)

    Something that's helped me in these types scenarios, if you identify this as a problem, is to let your family know like "Hey, could you let me know earlier if we're planning on going out to dinner?" or something like that. For me, mentally preparing for these types of things helps, as saying "No" potentially leads to conflict. You take time to go through what you described and make the best of it, or at least have a better attitude during dinner since you're not dealing with anxious thoughts.

    Idk if that makes any sense, but keep it up!
     
    vercent99 likes this.
  5. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the reply! Yes you are right, maybe I should just get out my comfort zone. My family wants to go to another city tomorrow with the whole family, so me included. I said I didn't want to go, my father also asked and I said I didn't want to go. Then my mother said something quite sad, she said to me you're almost going to leave us (I will immigrate to another country for university), and we didn't even go out together, I will open your door to your room and not see you again, this isn't a nice feeling, can you please go out with us just for one day for me, think about it. Now I notice what kind of effect my stupid feelings caused to others.

    I still have 0% interest in going on that trip, especially even more because it is outside the city so we have to stay the whole day there and I get car sick quick. But the statement from my mother made me quite emotional so I am torn. I have to make a quick decision because we would then go tomorrow morning.
     
  6. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    I am going, still 0% interest. but my mind is going all over the place reminding me of that one time we went out to the same city when I was a child and got lost in the bus while it started driving because my father went to get some food. I'm honestly scared of such scenarios, at home I never have any worries
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    Quick update, that day went horrible, don't really want to talk about more info. But today was a good day, lots of happy emotions and feeling overwhelmed. Also had a dream that felt so good, it was me and a girl with black hair having intimate kissing, that's all I remember. I often have day dreams as well of being in a relationship with a girl, like stroking her hair while she's on my lap looking at me, I think its all related to my ex and the lack of intimacy I have head. But I don't remember any faces in those dreams and I am not sure why I haven't felt any sparks for any girl yet after so many years
     
  8. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    Saw a cute girl yesterday at the bank and I finally after missing my ex for 6+ years, I felt a spark from another girl. But since I'm a pussy I didn't ask her out and will never see her again :(

    At least I know now that I can get over my ex once I'm in a new relationship, (I never wanted to get into a relationship for the sake of getting over my ex as that would be unfair to the girl, I wanted it to happen naturally)
     
    thinking_differently likes this.
  9. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    fell into the trap again of downloading porn right before my previous reply, but i managed to get out of it again

    i have less desires to PMO these days, sometimes because i keep myself busy but at other times i just dont want to do it anymore

    for example right now im home alone but have no desires to PMO, thats how it should be. Im probably on a 1 week streak now, i think this can turn out to be a good streak (my record was 16 days a few months ago, i need to increase it)
     
    thinking_differently likes this.

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