One of my greatest lessons

TL;DR - I deeply regret losing the two most important girls in my life to this point (besides my mother), but I feel like the experiences were important for me going forward.

It's hard for me to tell such a personal story on a public forum, but here it is...

Back in November of 2009, an old female classmate found me on Facebook. After catching up, she made the first move and asked to "maybe go out for lunch sometime?". I accepted. Around this time, I was a very lonely person, without a real core group of friends to boot. So, of course I accepted! In my head, I believed that if things went well, I could have a girlfriend for the first time in my life. After doing all the right things, and saying the right things, this premonition came true. I got myself a girlfriend! Hooray!

Unfortunately, in hindsight, I wasn't ready to be anyone's boyfriend. I was so content with "having a girlfriend" that I wasn't ready to take on any of the hardships of being someone's boyfriend. I had no mental comprehension of love and support. Long story short, she was suffering from depression/anxiety/night terrors, and I was "feeling tired of hearing about it all the time" (yes, my words to her ). Plus, with my addiction to porn, my subconscious wished for a "hotter" girlfriend (which I never would have consciously admitted to at the time). We broke up after 3 months, after she started sensing that I was falling out of love for her. Very smart and intuitive girl.

For a couple of years afterward I was content with that decision, despite staying single (or in other words, not finding anyone "better" than her). We still occasionally talked during this time, in which I honestly wished for her to find someone else so she would "maybe not talk to me as much" (a thought that thankfully never manifested itself into words).

In January of 2012, we had probably our most open conversation in the years we had known each other. I won't go into details, but after this conversation, I started feeling my first feelings of regret. She knew me. She knew my family. She accepted me for who I was. She deeply cared for me, my health, my well-being, etc. I missed that feeling I got when I made her smile (you know, that smile...the one that causes cute dimples and goes from ear to ear). I threw all of that away, for what again? Wanting a "better" girlfriend? By the time all of this sunk in, she found someone else. In the end, I got my wish: she found someone else, and not only did she "not talk to me as much", she "stopped talking to me completely". There are too many days in which I think of her and I despair. The lack of communication with her nowadays only makes the despair much more painful. Be very, very careful what you wish for.

Sometime later that year, I met another girl. A co-worker. We hit it off almost immediately, and became fast friends. At this time, she was involved with someone else, which was perfectly fine with me. One, I wasn't that physically attracted to her, and two, I was still unconsciously trying to get over those feelings for my ex.

As time went on, however, we became more open with each other, and really got to know one another. When her boyfriend started neglecting her, I helped support her when she felt sad, and I helped her find the courage to leave him.

Afterward, she naturally started to become more intimate with me. I understood why; I was the nice guy who looked out for her during her toxic relationship. However, at the time I couldn't see her as anything more than a friend. I still "wasn't physically attracted to her". I would reciprocate her intimacy, but in the back of my mind, I still figured we weren't headed anywhere.

Anyway, when my parents were out of the house one day in August of 2013, I invited her over. I knew by doing this, I was inviting the possibility of further intimacy. However, my mind needed to be made up once and for all. Should I be with this girl or not?

So anyway she came over, and the intimacy indeed heated up. We made our way to my bedroom, and long story short, I wasn't able to "perform". At the time I blamed it a little bit on performance anxiety, but I mostly blamed it on the fact that I just wasn't attracted to her all that much (which, in hindsight, isn't true at all). I can only imagine she felt the same...that I wasn't physically attracted to her. I never knew for sure; we never talked about that night. Not once.

We eventually drifted apart after that night. It was only after she found someone else (seems to be a common theme...) when I realized what I had in her. She knew me. She knew what I was about. We had the same ideals when it came to life in general. She had a wonderful sense of humor. She had that smile. She had an addicting laugh. I was able to talk about anything with her. I never felt more comfortable being myself around a girl than I was with her.

I see pictures of her today and think, gosh, why was I not attracted to this girl? She's beautiful. Why didn't I see this before?

She found someone else, who eventually had a kid with her, and proposed to her. I know because she made these announcements on facebook, followed by how happy she felt about her life in general, and how in love she was with her boyfriend (lucky, lucky SOB). Every new post within these contexts became a rough day for me.

Yes, these are my two biggest regrets in life. However, I needed these experiences. Badly. I needed the perspective I have right now.

You might say, "you probably need to get over these girls before you try and get anywhere with any other girl". To that I say I've only proven to myself that, despite any regrets I have about any previous girl, it's easy for me to fall head over heels with any girl who shows me love and compassion, and whom I can relate with on a personal level to the point where she can be open with me about her feelings.

These experiences have trained me (if it happens) to be a much better lover and supporter to the next girl I fall in love with. These experiences have trained me to recognize, sooner, what I have in someone.

Moral of the story: it's okay to have regrets, but only if you've learned the lessons that they teach, and consistently apply them to your life. Everything happens for a reason.

 

My conscious mind understands this. We always do what feels right in the moment. Ultimately, the only way for me to have gained the perspective I have now was to do what felt right in that moment, so in that regard, of course there are no regrets. My subconscious mind, however, is the one that always thinks about what may have been had I not been so...what's the word...greedy? Lustful? Prideful? But yes, you're right, I can't beat myself up over a decision I made that felt right at the time.

Thanks for reading! That is really the ultimate point I'm trying to make here. Yeah, we make mistakes, we may even regret the mistakes we made, but to treat those mistakes as turning points in your life to becoming an all-around better person is paramount.