One of these days you just want to end it all

I try to be supportive around these forums and help others out but then there are days like today when I just can't cope with myself anymore and the struggle is getting the better of me. This has hit me the hardest since I can remember.

During the process of rebooting one thing I've noticed are very vivid dreams. Through them a failed 5 year long relationship has caught up with me. In the past 3 weeks it has become rare that I *don't* dream about my ex. The dreams are vivid, semi-lucid and are becoming more and more disturbing. They started off with just her in them, now she is behaving in a very hurtful manner (she never once did that), I'm meeting her new bf, getting rejected and so on. I wake up very disturbed, drained and tired and spend the rest of the day recalling her, all the things I did wrong and all the things she did right. She was a beautiful person and I fucked it up so much I can't forgive myself. She tried so hard to make it work but I was blind to my problems and she was a bit too delicate.

For many months now I have felt no emotion. I cannot love or feel connected which is why our attempt at getting back together failed. I don't feel excited or happy for more than a few brief moments every few days. I feel empty and depressed, like a defunct robot with no purpose. I feel like I'm sinking to the bottom and at times like these that thought doesn't disturb me anymore because then I can take the easy way out and end this struggle.

I was on my record streak tonight and relapsed. Did this without any guilt and fully consciously. I just want those dreams to stop. They aren't the only things that are killing me right now but it'd be a whole lot easier without them. Thanks for reading.